why are some women content to do all the housework?

[honeydew]

I meet lots of mums in my local area who, like me, are stay at home mums with very young children but are prepared to do absolutely everything for their partners and DH's! They slave away cooking, cleaning and washing at home with no help and at the weekends, they still don't expect
their partners to do anything! I have friends who never get a proper break from their children, even if it's only for a couple of hours. Their DH's leave them to it 24/7. Is it just me who has found that old style patriarchy is alive and well in society once a woman gives up work to raise her brood? My DH does help me with baby DS, he also puts my older daughter to bed and washes up after I've cooked each night, so we work as a team. So many women I speak to say that their DH's are not 'hands on' parents and do virtually all the chores and baby changing/feeding. Oviously, if one partner is working during the week they can't do that much, but some men don't want to contribute at all it would seem! Are they just lazy or simply 'expect' women to fulfill that role?

its like most things in a relationship if one partner is willing to let another get away with it they will

as m2james said - if they can get away with it - they will continue to do it I believe... can't comment as my dh is very hands on with house and children.

There's a thread about this in 'The men's room'. My stance is that you don't expect your child-minder/ nursery nurse to do your house-work as well as look after your kids so why should you expect your wife or partner to do it? Looking after young kids is or should be a full-time job. When the partner who goes out to work comes home s/he should do 50% of the child-care and pretty much 50% of the house-work. This is what my dp does more or less. Different when kids are at school though or if you have help in the form of grandparents.

hmmm, i never expected dh to change nappies. i felt that as mom, that was my job.
hoowever after i had my first baby, i stopped doing things like ironing his shirts for him, and havent looked back since, ds1 is 9 now
if you let someone get away with someting, then they will.
i dont work in a paid job. now the kids are slightly older, i could do something to earn a few peennnies to help dh out with the finances, but i have zero desire to do so, and as long as he lets me get away with it, i intend too.

(why is this in Education?)

why are some men content to earn all the money? whya re some people content to let their partner have affairs and why do other peole control their every move?

Human variance, that's all. Some people (I am told) like cleaning / home making and more power to them. It's not about what you do, but if you're happy with it right (within boundaries obv).

Now, if someone is unhappy but continues then that's different.

I don't know that these men are lazy as such. Some may well be of course, but pthers might be exhausted. So if the Mum is happy to do the home based work, and that keeps the family stable, then why not?

well said peachy

peachy said it for me
some people like doing housework

also you are only getting a one-sided view
nobody knows what goes inside other peoples homes for deffo unless you live with them

I do personally like "homemaking" but DH does his share with the children when around and we take turns for a lie in at the weekend as well which helps my sanity. I like watching that Mums on Strike program and seeing the dads having to deal with kids and house on there own!! my sadistic side coming out i think

My MIL was a cleaning type (had her own business) and she hated any help, which was fair enough although I do wonder what good it did her family, in that her two sons were unable to care for themselves (DH learned quickly and is brillaint, BIL lives at home probably always will). Dh got so sick of her slavery he states it contributed to their divorce! Of course, he could have just done some work without waiting to be asked?

Honeydew, what you described was very much how my dad and mum operated. I doubt if my dad knew how to pour himself a glass of water! Mum was fulltime SAHM, according to her, under pressure from my dad to give up work once my brother was born.

I swore never to marry a man like my dad.

If a man did not do housework before the kids arrive, I doubt if he would pitch in after, particularly if his partner stayed/worked at home. I don't suppose it is reasonable to expect a man to suddenly change his spots. And if the woman is happy with this arrangement, then fine. But it is hard work though, esp when the children are young!

Honeydew - I've been stunned by this ever since I stopped work with DD1. I would say that the majority of mum's I know do the majority of housework, ironing, childcare and cooking. There is great variety in husbands who do are very hands on with the children to those who barely acknowledge them - each to their own. however most of my friends are intelligent women who have had or are having great careers and yet they still do so much more in the home.

I'm considered to be lucky because when DH gets home it becomes team effort from that moment. If he's stressed or had a bad day I'll do more then him, but there are also many times when he takes one look at me and says ok you go out/have bath/ scream into a pillow and I'll take over. Nine times out of ten he cooks our evening meal, he finds it a great way to unwind and I appreciate the break. There are some jobs he never does, like the washing for example, but then I never put up shelves etc.

I just don't understand why this isn't fair. By the shere fact that DH is home then he has stopped work, so why should I be expected to continue working?

Also (on my soapbox now) DH is a great role model to DS and DD's hopefully will not expect to run around after their future partners. The children see us as a team.

lastly I don't feel any resentment towards him and he doesn't feel that I've got the easy job because he readily admits he wouldn't want to do it fulltime.

Like glassofwine's DH, my DH doesn't come home, sit down with the paper and expect to be waited on.
I do the lions share of housework as I am at home during the day ... he goes to work during the day. BUT when we are both at home it is a complete 50/50 split ... if washing and ironing needs doing it gets done by either of us (and I don't need to ask him to do it - he just gets on with it) ... he tends to bath the children to give me a breather but whoever cooks dinner doesn't have to wash up etc. That sort of thing.

BTW, because my mum was so much involved in family life and my dad was not (because of the rigid definition of roles), my dad is now for all intents and purposes useless in helping out with the grandchildren. Not a clue about interacting with a child. Well, cats in the cradle and all ...

It's not as simple as if 'a man likes to go out to work and a woman likes to be a home-maker let them get on with it.'. What would happen if after 20 yrs of home-making the husband dies or leaves the wife with nothing (no money, no job and limited skills or experience to help her get a job and, terrifyingly, no pension). Home-making may be valuable and some may find it rewarding (I certainly don't) but it is under-appreciated and unpaid. And what kind of messages is it giving to this woman's children? I really think that child-care and house-work should be shared by the whole family. My kids (4 and 2) already know how to put a wash on and hang it up.

Honeydew, do you live in Stepford?

I have a friend who's relationship is like that, and she's incredibly happy and wouldn't want it any other way.

Believe it or not somen women enjoy living like it!

And there's that recent research which suggests women who do (paid) work are healthier. Isolation and obesity are real problems for many long-term SAHMs.

whatever works for them. different strokes...

lots of people get upset about the mr ramsay not changing nappies thing, but who cares? not his wife, so why should we???

I work part-time (20 hours per week over 5 days) but still do EVERYTHING. When DD1 was little, DH took far more responsibilty than he does now. DD2 has been 'mine' from the start and the longest he can be left with her is about an hour. If I go out (i.e to Parent's evening or somewhere really exciting like that) I am supposed to have her in bed before I leave or he can't cope. He has been known to ring when I'm halfway round Waitrose to ask how much longer I'm going to be. It has come to pass that I have taken on the housekeeping, childcare, family accounts etc etc completely alone. His work is very challenging and he puts in long, unsociable hours, and I think I have gradually cut him too much slack. Now we have reached the point where if I don't do it, it don't get done. Don't think I have taken it all lying down, because nothing could be farther from the truth, but I don't want to live in a disorganised pigsty, so I (grudgingly) do everything myself.

Perhaps Mr Ramsay's kids will care. And Mrs Ramsay if Mr Ramsay left her after 20 yrs of home-making. And Mr Ramsay's sons' wives since they will have learned strict gender roles and will think they don't have to change their own kids' nappies (we usually repeat much of our parents' parenting styles). And the tax-payer since they will have to fund Mrs Ramsay's pension and medical care when she is in her old-age. And I care because loads of men (and women) still think all women should be indoors cooking, cleaning and looking after kids which leads to sexism and a real lack of aspiration among many young women (who give up potentially exciting, valuable and important academic careers and later vocations) because they think they should or want to do what their mums did.

i think mrs ramsay will probably do very nicely thank you for quite some time

Perhaps they aren't content to do it. Perhaps it just worked out that way... DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years, 13 of them married. He does very little... always has. And I work part-time too. For years we used to have terrible rows about this but it never really changed anything. If anything I've let my standards drop and the house is never really tidy as far as I'm concerned. DH does more now that we have kids but even so I still do the lion's share. Perhaps it should be me that shifts. He doesn't see the dirt or the mess, he can't see the need to hoover, dust etc, I'm the only one bothered. I am also something of a control freak - I like to hold all the strings if I'm honest.

So what's the answer? Keep rowing pointlessly? Leave him? Why? We love each other, we get on well, we share 3 kids......lose all that over housework rotas. I'd be stupid. As others have said, who knows what goes on in other people's marriages?

Sorry but it si that simple, letting them geton with it doesn't preclude the passing on tot he children or DH / DP how to do it; of course every man should know how to do the stuff that goes into making ahome, but knowing how doesn't mean on a day to day basis he should have to do it. Just as because a woman chooses to be at home, doesn't mean she doesn't know how to earn a living. Or indeed that she never has done.

'And there's that recent research which suggests women who do (paid) work are healthier. Isolation and obesity are real problems for many long-term SAHMs. '

So, as a SAHM (albeit in Uni hols) what do you suggest, that I should be forced to go out to work? What kind of dictatorship wuld that require FGS, where people are ordered what to do because it means they are less likely to get fat.

You just can't tell poeple what to do.