why are some women content to do all the housework?

[honeydew]

I meet lots of mums in my local area who, like me, are stay at home mums with very young children but are prepared to do absolutely everything for their partners and DH's! They slave away cooking, cleaning and washing at home with no help and at the weekends, they still don't expect
their partners to do anything! I have friends who never get a proper break from their children, even if it's only for a couple of hours. Their DH's leave them to it 24/7. Is it just me who has found that old style patriarchy is alive and well in society once a woman gives up work to raise her brood? My DH does help me with baby DS, he also puts my older daughter to bed and washes up after I've cooked each night, so we work as a team. So many women I speak to say that their DH's are not 'hands on' parents and do virtually all the chores and baby changing/feeding. Oviously, if one partner is working during the week they can't do that much, but some men don't want to contribute at all it would seem! Are they just lazy or simply 'expect' women to fulfill that role?

BUT BAWC you are still saying there MAY be exceptions, what you mean is that the majority are fat/useless/worthless and going to a be a drian on your taxes as they have no pensions.

Can you not see that in trying to be 'supportive' and worrying about these 'poor women' as you seem to see them. You are infact doing teh total opposite and not seeing that SAHM have an enourmous range of skills, talent whatever that they are using in a DIFFERENT way to yours. Who says your way is better than theirs??

Personally I would love to be a SAHM, I would have time to help my kids with their reading or whatever, and time to do loads of things I cannot do now. I would NOT see it as a waste of my eductaion in any way. I would see it as a valid life choice. THAT is what you should be ranting about, the fact that women who choose one way over another way are not offered the respect that is due. But no, you cannot rant about that as you obviously have no respect for SAHM. You may say you do, but 'playing at being a SAHM' and 'Housework doesn't require skill' says far more about how you really think.

In the 60's kids (girls) were taught housework, cooking, cleaning etc AT SCHOOL, boys were taught car maintenance and brickwork. That is a great idea, do you know how many kids cannot cook?? They do 'food tech' at school but it doesn't teach them about the real world and how to do anything but heat it in a microwave.

Obiesity is an issue, and will be more so, as CHILDREN are not taught how to cook, their mothers are all at work and are using fast food or ready meals at home (they work so don't get time to cook properly) So instead of SAHM contributing to the levels of Obesity in this country, we need to look at working mums NOT teaching basic cooking skills to their kids which will lead to long term reliance on c**p food and more fat people - Oh yes, and our taxes are now having to be spend on education on eating well, since all the mums are working!!!

Dino yes of course we need to know the pitfalls of making our financial choices, whether that be investing in Equitable Life or marrying a mendicant. But too often the discussion is left at what we can do to protect ourselves in the society we've got now and I've always believed that the day we all decide to not aspire to trying to change society, is the day we may as well all kill ourselves. Or at least to not bother to reproduce. What's the point, if we don't believe society can get better?

Caliguia said it far better than me

Go Crunchie Go!

Lets just remember what this thread was about, which was B&Wcat thinking it unfair that the partners of SAHM's were not doing their fair share because it is thought that by staying at home you are not working. I certainly read it that B&Wcat was sticking up for us.

However the isolation/pension/obesity comments not matter how caring they are meant to be are unnecessary. We've all weighed up the pro's and con's of both working and staying at home - we know the potential downsides. As a SAHM I haven't felt the need to point out what I see as the downsides of working mostly because a whole load of you would be offended.

So I guess I'm saying that B&W is not against us, just being a little clumsy in the way she's puting it.

B & W

How much cleaning do you all do? I can't see a house needs more than 2-3 hrs a day (max) and if you share that around the family that's no more than an hour each. Surely everyone can fit that in before or after a day's work and more if necessary at the wkend?

Are you sure it's the same ofr everyone? Eg for those of us with an SN kid? Who destroys everythinga nd needs help with everything (he is 6 btw and can't fold or put away anything- cannot organise himself). Actually I struggle with that too (I also have some sn).

I haev held down damned good jobs and been a SAHM. work was easier, full stop. Not that I have a choice: luckily I go to Uni because my Dh is a sweetie and is willing to go without for my dreams, but i couldn't work, Social Services state that Sam can't go to childcare. Full stop. Too reactive.

There are lots of reasons to be a SAHM. because you want to. because your kids have SN. because YOU have SN. Because your DH is ill / disabled. beasue you can't find a job. because you can't find childcare. because you can't afford childcare. there are as many reasons as people, in fact.

To go back to the point in quesiton. DH and I both now work - DH works 37.5hrs a week (usually more) and I work appprox 30hrs a week (he works afternoons and evenings - I work nights).

Before I worked outside the home I did the majority of the house, because I felt it unfair to expect DH to do masses of housework when he got in from work when he was working long hours everyday.

I still do the majority of the housework - because I'm at home more than he is - my hours are split over 3 nights, his hours are made up of at least 5 days, often 6 and occasionally 7.

I don't think it's fair that when I'm at home more often than he is that I should expect him to a very large amount of the housework.

Being a stay at home mum is EXTREMELY hard. Financially, I am dependent on my DH- I can't even get a credit card because I don't work. Psychologically, I find the constant drudgery of housework the most mind-numbing and boring thing I have ever done and I really miss the stimualtion of work. Me time? Ha ha ha !I'm very isolated, frustrated and am agahst that SAHM's are so little valued by society when huge sacrifices must be made by both parents. We simply can't afford childcare for two children of 2 years and 10 months! My DH and I go without so much to provide for the children. I had a professional job in education before becoming a mum and the stress of work is a very different type of stress to staying at home long-term. Those who cast aspersions on SAHM's obviously haven't done it or can't face the demands of small people day in and day out! Plus I love my kids and believe that my place is with them for the pre-school years. The Government in my opinion needs to find some real solutions. Other European countries pay mothers to look after their babies and in France, they pay you to have a third child! Until policy changes(in about 100 years time!), women will be forced into making stark choices they don't want. I'd like to work part-time but have no extended family to help out where I live and we can't move either. So I'm stuck really ! Am I, by staying at home perpetuating the ideology that women should all be homemakers? Probably. But today's society, high house prices/rental and poor Government policies towards families leave me no choice. Living on one salary is hard enough without me doing all the housework too! But I do agree that if you've never been taught how to do domestic chores, then yes, it would be harder to learn but no excuse for not bothering to help your partner at all. I mean, is it really that difficult to clean out the toilet bowl?!Why do women make so many excuses for men? If they can work, then surely an ocassional nappy change can't be so impossible? Men aren't feeble are they?!! Why does no-one in my house except me change the loo roll?! In response to a mumsnetter who asked me if I live in Stepford?- why yes of course darling!

See what I find odd is this idea of being "financially dependent" on your DH (if you're a SAHM). As far as DH is concerned what he earned while I was a SAHM was 'ours' - and what we both earn now combined together is "ours"

I was a SAHM for 5yrs - and I never once felt I was 'financially dependent' on my DH. As it was he let me spend the Child Benefit and Tax Credits however I wanted - the money to support the children came out of his salary.

He let me spend the Child Benefit and Tax Credits however I wanted.

He let you QoQ? Surely yours by right anyway.

How boring to go back to the point in question That's not very MN.

I agree dino about the cooking baking thing BTW. It just hacks me off that BAWC was using that 'research' that SAHM are fatter than WOTH ones as part of her arguement IYKWIM

I know as a WOTH mum I am seen as selfish etc, and maybe I am in some ways. But I truly don't have the choice. If I did, would I work??? NO That is why this stance of BAWC annoys me so much, she would then judge me on giving up a well paid job to look after the needs of my family. She would look at me as worthless and not contributing to society. Those are the messages I get from her posts, that all SAHM should wake up, get to work and get a pension.

I have said a number of times if DH earns what I do I would not work. simple. I would not expect to be judged on that choice, but with people around like her who pretend to show concern whilst looking down on that choice it is frustrating. Honeydew is a SAHM who doesn't like the drudge of the day to day life, but should she get off her arse and get a job to change this, no, should she be supported, YES.

That is the reason for my anger, I feel BAWC is trying not to address the issues for SAHM, but in saying if the PM's wife doesn't think it is enough, we all shouldn't think it is anough for us!!

He let you QoQ? Surely yours by right anyway.

Why? He was the one working, so we qualified for the tax credits in the first place. We both look after our children (even now when both working I can spend the CB as I like) - Tax Credits we've budgeted towards other stuff.

And going back to pensions - I'm never going to get a great pension with my job, would I change my job to a 'better' one so I'll have more financial security when I retire? No way - I love my job - even if the benefits of it are pretty few and far between.

That's the thing isn't it. The true test IMO of a equal and basically good sociaety is when we are not judged on the choices we make, we embrace a persons freedom and ability to amke up their own minds as to what is right for their family and themselves.

Ooh, overlooked the cherie blair reference. Purleese. If you were married to TB wouldn't you throw yourself frenetically into your work?

glassofwine, let me take you back to one of BAWC oh so supportive posts

"It's not as simple as if 'a man likes to go out to work and a woman likes to be a home-maker let them get on with it.'. What would happen if after 20 yrs of home-making the husband dies or leaves the wife with nothing (no money, no job and limited skills or experience to help her get a job and, terrifyingly, no pension). Home-making may be valuable and some may find it rewarding (I certainly don't) but it is under-appreciated and unpaid. And what kind of messages is it giving to this woman's children?"

Are you saying that BAWC really is supportive of you? SHe has also said that Housework is for toddlers and that she doesn't understand why anyone who has kids at school should be a SAHM (Different thread, but same sentiment)

oh and yes he "let" me in the sense that we've never bothered getting a joint account (just as well given our financial situation last year - as it means my credit rating is still ok) so that money had been going into his account.

FIL left MIL afte 35 years of homa making, she got half his pension, the house and a fair stack of the available cash too. You don't automatically lose everything.

why are some women content to do all the housework?

cos dh does all the other work

only fair

Well according to society, I am dependent because the bank won't give a loan or credit card etc, and am seen as a risk with no income. I am officially unemployed!

Maybe I am just to used to having my independence and my own money to spend! How far does my tax credit and CB go? Oh it buys about two packets of nappies,a loaf of bread and pays for the TV licence. Yes, my DH's money is 'ours' but I have to ask "can I have some money please?" and I hate that! I FEEL dependent anyway!!

Joint bank account.

god id MUCH ratehr do a bit of light dusting than drag all arundf the TEDIOUS Meetings dh does

i have the long straw imo