SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

First of all your assumption that private is better - that isn't necessarily true. What about a SAHM and state school.

Secondly, what do you WANT to do. You say you have no more ambitions left career wise. What about when your DC grow up and leave home? Do you have any potential studies, hobbies etc.

Thirdly, while it is good to plan. You never know what is around the corner (I speak from experience), so have plan A, plan B etc.

An evaluation of your local state options might be necessary before you commit really. Are you sure you can't consider them? State and part time?

Thanks for your questions fluffy

I am very confused about whether or not I think private school is better then state school to be honest (which is partially why I am confused about what to do), I think if I was certain that private is best then I would definitely return to work and fund the school. However, that is another debate all together. As it happens, our local schools are not great but as DD is so young i don't feel that I can make a judgement based on their current status as so much can change on 4+ years.

As for what I want, I don't miss work at all and I don't know if I want to go back. Again, this may be because I have only been away for 5 months and DD is at a lovely age and fun to be with. I do think I would like to be a foster carer in the future, however this is a long time away as I understand that my youngest DC would need to be 2 before I would be considered.

I will start working on plan B too....so many decisions!

I think children tend to do better when mothers work and family income is high so you bight be doing them a favour if you do work. I've always worked full time and put or almost put 5 through fee paying schools. It's very possbile and it also gives children a lovely example that women are bread winners and can succeed and gain power and lead which children of housewives do not see as their role. They just see woman as servant and cleaning living off male earnings, which is not a good example.

6% of children go to private schools and 50% of Oxbridge entrants and 73% of judges and almost as high for most good jobs. It is a massive massive advantage if you pick one of the top 50 schools.

Xenia you make a very good point about setting an example for my DC's, I had a working mother who worked up to almost the top of her profession. I am currently on maternity leave from a
City senior management role, I think that is in part because of the good role model that my mother was to me.

If you don't mind me asking Xenia how long did you take as maternity leave for each DC?

You need to think about what you want your DC to achieve (which can be quite hard to focus on when they are lovely cuddly tiny babies and don't need any sort of worldly pressure) and how you can arrange your life so that they can have the opportunities you would like them to have. And then work out what it will all cost, how much you will need to outsource and how much you can do yourself.

Actually I just took two weeks holiday because in each of my first three jobs - first three babies - I was with a different company and in those days you needed 2 years of service to get your 6 weeks on 90% pay, so I used 2 weeks of annual leave and went back full time although I expressed breast milk every few hours. With the twins I was working for myself so had no pay, no leave and that was fine as I was established and better off and I was taking calls the next day and our nanny just called me into the other room to feed them when they need me which was much easier than all the hassle over expressing milk. The youngest are just leaving prep school. The oldest have graduated so it's all getting a bit historic.

I accept not all mothers want to take 2 weeks off but some do and it has some advantages. It is easier sitting in an office than having a baby and toddler and 4 year old needing you all day long so it's physically much much easier. Secondly the baby bonds with its mother, father, nanny right at the start rather than some nasty parting at month 6 or whatever and thirdly you don't lose a penny of money and fourthly if it's not the first child you already have childcare arranged for the others and it's qutie hard to put it in abeyance or sack the nanny or give up the nursery place just because you're at home on leave so you might as well keep the routines going.

Xenia, I resent the idea that all children get from a SAHM is low aspirations and the idea that women are servants.

I am the main breadwinner and work full time. My mother was a SAHM and I'm hugely grateful for what she sacrificed and for what she achieved (three happy, well adjusted, graduate, working, successful women - one currently on maternity leave (not me) and debating whether or not to go back to wok)

you have massively oversimplified this issue.

Xenia I am amazed, hats off to you for juggling all of that. Maybe I have damaged my career already by taking 5 months off so far.

I have chosen to WOH specifically so that I can afford school fees. It's a no brainer to me.

I don't expect most people to agree with me. About 50% + of new graduate entrants to work are female now and even 20 years ago when I started. Yet only about 10 - 18% end up in positions of power and the rest stay home with babies and take their career off track for life. So yes I agree most women don't do as I do but it's gone really well for us and I think that's worth saying.

Over 20 years ago I read a book by Valerie Grove, journalist which will be very dated now. She interviewed women in long marriages with 4+ children and good careers. One was Barbara Mills and some others. I think that was helpful, to show just like men as long as you aren't married to a sexist pig who thinks women and only women do housework and childcare men which clever women avoid like the plague, you can have a nice family life and big family and work.

I really don't think it was harder to be at home. Babies are very demanding. When we had number 3 the other two were 1 and 3. I genuinely don't think sitting in an office all day being often appreciated and praised and paid well for it is harder than being at home with 3 children under 5. Also if you plan a very well paid 30 year career then a few years when it's hard but you work is a very small priec to pay. It's at this point I mention I bought an island in the Pacific in 2005 and the older children are doing very well, genuilneyl not to show off but just to say women can have variety in their lives and dont' jsut have to be virtual servants chained to the home like a Saudi owned bride.

OP - I think you sound like you are very much enjoying being a SAHM. if you enjoy staying at home and being with your baby don't feel you have to go back to work to provide for school fees later on.

If you decide you want your kids to go to an expensive school later on, go back to work then. You don't know if your kids will be academic (and if so they don't necessarily need to go to a so called "top 50" school), musical, artistic or whatever. I don't want to turn into a private vs state argument but a lot of girls go to Oxbridge from my DD's state grammar. She is currently thinking of a course not even taught there. My younger DD is gifted in Art she is unlikely to go to Oxbridge either.

You can't predict the future; enjoy the present. Maybe plan to go back to work part time at some point (there may be quite a gap from your kids leaving home until retirement age) but don't spoil this time by your baby fretting about a private school 10 or 12 years down the line.

I don't think it necessarily needs to be a black and white choice. Personally, I think stopping work altogether is risky since it can be hard to get back and your identity changes and relationship with your dp and children. Why can't you take a long maternity leave (1 year) and then go back part-time and send your children to state school initially while saving up should you decide to make the switch at prep (age 7) or at secondary age (11) when you could also opt to go full -time. I think this keeps all your options open and means if you don't go private you've still got a safety net which could be useful for all sorts of eventualities.

In any event you need to visit some schools as a starting point. Often people feel an instinctive, 'This is right for my kids' or the opposite and then your planning will go from there.

SAHM without a doubt!

You are right Fluffy, I am somewhat unexpectedly really enjoying being a SAHM. If you had asked me before maternity leave I would have thought I would have told you that someone like Xenia was my role model and I would want to return to work asap.

The issue I have with delaying the decision is that I could do my career a lot of damage by taking along time off, my honest feeling is that the longer I take off the harder making future progress will be. If I chose not to go back at or before 1 year I think my earning potential will start to plummet. I am terribly confused at what to do for the best.

I also can understand what you mean about having no idea whether or not my DCs will be academic. As mentioned above my local schools are not great but there are good Grammar's within an accessible distance (if e DD/future DCs ae Grammar material!). I do however think that if I do decide to go down the private route I would want to DCs to start at pre-prep as being parachuted from state to private at an older age can't be easy.

Thanks five, would schools laugh at me if I start going to have a look now? I imagine for pre-prep people must put children's names down from birth onwards but what about with state schools, would I be allowed to visit?

Can you elaborate Colleger? I'm really keen to get opinions from those who have done SAHM as well.

I think there's a lot more to think about here, than just whether you want to pay school fees or not.

Giving up work permenantly, is a big thing. A lot to consider. Both for you and your DH.

I agree wordfactory, I feel like it is all DH and I are talking about at the minute! Luckily, he will support whatever I want to do as it is my career that is in the balance. Although, sometimes I wish he would just tell me I have to go back to work/stay at home!

Well I think you may decide when all the children are at school that you no longer want to be a SAHM - its not an either or really. You can be different things at different stages of your life surely.

I can MrsCB, but if I decide to take say 10 years off until all DCs start school I wouldn't be able to return to my current career. I am scared that if I do this and then have to do a less interesting job I will feel unfulfilled, if it is for the set for my DCs though then this is maybe a risk worth taking.

It's not an easy decision, and I'm afraid you have to to with your gut feeling.

I knew as soon as my eldest was born that I could not face going back full time, but also that I wanted to work.

In our case, I work part time, in the same career and for the same firm (I am a lawyer), as before children, and the children are at state school.

But... We have good state schools, and the children are genuinely thriving. They mix socially with children from the local private schools and, at this stage, I have to say I can't see any difference.

*for the best for my DCs

This thread is helping me, if only to see how confused I am. Over the course of three hours I have gone from not worrying if I don't have a future professional career to realising that I might regret not having one and feel unfulfilled.

When your children are at school surely you will want to work anyway?

I stayed at home until DS went to school, I started working again the same day he started school. Perfect for me, perfect for DS (as I work school hours and term time only). It funds the "extras" that make life enjoyable and helps contribute towards his fees. Win-win.