SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

I'm a bit drunk so this post will make little sense but I've been a SAHM for 7 years to 3 children. I feel very lucky to have been able to be at home with them for this time and there are a lot of pros to being a SAHM BUT I really regret leaving work.

I'm now starting again in the same career (passed entrance exams yesterday!) and subject to a medical, fitness test, couple of counselling sessions, 50 weeks of training which assuming I pass, will be going back on the same wage I left at 7 years ago. If I had stayed on and just took MAT leave I would have been promoted several times and wouldn't be dealing with the stress and worry about whether I'm doing the right thing now or not, not to mention the above hoops I'm jumping through... and as a family we'd be much better off.

Can't really advise about the private school matter, I'm of the opinion that for most children it's usually a good choice and I'd be very wary about quitting work entirely.

I think Xenia paints too negative a picture of SAHM life, talking about sahms being servants and living of handouts from a man.

Maybe ask a woman who is violently anti sahm if she has a happy marriage, if not, maybe that colours her view on marriage ?

I have been a SAHM for 10 years now. I have had a few small free lance projects, but no serious career.

I stayed at home and sent the children to the local State school. It was a great way of kick starying our social life here and making local friends. The school did not work out and we ended up sending them private anyway.

I am nt completely finanially dependent as all the savings, and things like the car are in my name. Dh salary goes into our joint acount. I do a course and or a bit if free lance work to keep myself employable. Ths way it seems to work!

I think it s great for the family that I am at home, it works for us, I think I do a better job than any nanny or CM could, simply as I care more.

When dh had a rotten year at work t was hard though, and he became a bit resentful of my easy life. That passed.

I am a sahm. I was a very successful lady before dc, i was powerful, respected etc.

Now i watch my children explore a grid on the lane, this can take 15 mins, examin the holes, walk around working up to stepping on the grid :-) its a joy!

My pace of life has SLOWED right down and i love it.

My children are loved and cared for by me, no one will love them like i do!! I would ignore the idea that your child will only be oxbridge if you go to work. My three year old can read, she is the most articulate bright little girl you could ever meet. She gets looked after by me, a bright women who really cares about her.

On your death bed what joy will you recall....the deals you made at work or the absolute thrill when your two year old finds a bee on your lawn.

You will need to be of the right mind to be a good sahm, leaving your newborn at two weeks? My god i would have sold my soul not to leave mine.

4 months is nothing. My ds is 17 months off and I took a year of may leave. At 4 months I could never imagine leaving him but 10 months i climbing the walls. I went back full time but have a v supportive dh, family help with child care and do a lot of 'outsourcing' as mentioned above. It's been great! Don't decide anything yet.

when breathing my last gasp I'll recall achievements
work and family
my ft vocational job, the family we raised

Bonsoir, I am constantly surprised that the DC need me more now almost than when they were tiny, my 10 year old boy has had issues with bullying and dyslexia and sickness, and he seems to need to have lots of chats and attention to talk about the big things in his life.

My mum was a sahm, and my dad adores and respects her and I am very grateful for her being there when I needed her.

Big kids need a lot of guidance and parenting still.

It's lovely to hear some SAHM support as well, I was starting to think I was misguided to be considering it as an option. I must admit I'm not yet any closer to making my mind up but some very interesting points and questions have been raised that will help me come up with an answer...in a few months time. As a few of you have pointed out it is still early days and the way I feel may change.

No decision is for life. You do not have to decide now whether to stay at home for children, some of whom are not even born yet. In the nicest possible way, things can change. Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. Sickness and redundancy and global ecomic meltdowns can happen, as can lotterry wins, a sudden passion for a new career etc.

You can be a SAHM for a few years, or months, go back to work, then quit again to retrain in something new...

That is real life, not the black and white for or against positions taken here :)

so xenia what do you think to nannies then?
do you think they are idiots, not capable of anything more?

I agree with Chandon - life changes and evolves, so whilst it is worth mulling over your options, you don't need to plan every aspect of your life and set it in stone now.

Since you're happy being with your baby right now, why not take a few months more mat leave, then return full or part time and see how it goes. If you and your family are happy, continue, but if you yearn to be at home more, or at work more, then change.

You never know what is round the corner, what surprises will come your way, and chances are things won't work out exactly as you plan.

I have been a WOHM with a successful career, and I have been a SAHM doing a few freelance hours. When the DC are a bit older I'll probably go back to something else.

BTW I agree with whoever said that being a new Mum on mat leave to a 5 month old isn't really representative of SAHM role overall. I have 3 DC aged 7, 4, and 1, and it is FULL ON! I look back on those lovely early days with DC1 with fondness, but it was a different life.

Rainyday: "On your death bed what joy will you recall....the deals you made at work or the absolute thrill when your two year old finds a bee on your lawn."

It would be both. Actually more likely the former - I love deals. But we are all different.

SAHM every time.

evidently all the housewives will give it big thumbs up
you need an objective think op

Agree with Chandon and Lime. Life changes massively all the time and you can't make such long term decisions. Illness, sudden changes, emotions etc change so much as the children get older. I have 4 children and have also done it all; SAHM, full time, part-time working. It's all had its upsides and downsides. Also like others said, life at home with 2 toddlers and a baby is a bit different than with a 4 month old.

My youngest is now 3 and working part-time fits in well for now. 4 children are very expensive even without private schooling. Whilst you think you can live comfortably on one salary now you might change your mind once they are older. We spend £500 per month on extra-curricular activities alone, £200 a week on food, never mind holidays and the rest!!! Good luck with your decision!

Xenia just read your post on page 1 about only taking 2 weeks ML. It is (and was even 20 years ago) illegal for an employer to allow a mum to return to work within 3 weeks of giving birth. Are you sure you are not misremembering? (I was in the same position and had to take unpaid leave). I am so glad things have changed for modern mothers and they have longer than that.

OP go back to work. Being a SAHM will drive you stir crazy after a while if you are used to having an important high status job.

there's no we can all spend £500pm extracurricular stuff
how?
what on?
mandarin,violin,tutors...what

I'm astonished
unless you're including daily after school?

When you are doing your financial planning for children in either scenario, please think about your pension provision as, say, if your DC have 30 years of looking after a person of retirement age with no pension in 30 or 40 years time that is a hard price for a child to pay for, say, the 5 years of full time SAHP attention pre-school.

Sorry, but I do worry about this kind of planning being forgotten - I think decisions we make as a parent are for at least 60 or 70 years even if we stay on a purely practical level.

Sorry I see that was one of wordfactory's questions - still, that is the one that bugs me the most now I see my parents and their friends caring for my grandparents' generation.

I went to Oxford but through circumstances am a SAHM. I have enjoyed it more and more as my daughter has grown. I loved the first baby year but the next year when they walk and talk is so wonderful. To be with them as they see things for the first time and delight in the little things of life. Baking together and reading and groups - and then I really loved 2. We did so much walking and exploring of woods and beaches and gardens. There are lots of times I've found it tough ( partially due to income, we earn far less than you) but I still feel these are years I'll never get back and for me staying home has been so much better than I thought it would.

One book I found helpful was, 'how not to f* them up' by the psychologist, Oliver James. He explores different patterns of working and what can be right for one woman isn't right for another. Many high achieving women do go back to work and take a nanny. However I think it was something like only a third working when their child was 3.

Apologies for typing -not used to this phone yet!

IMO o James methodologies,interpretations are flawed
he has a v specific wimmin know your place agenda. not robust or good basis or decision making

'Thanks five, would schools laugh at me if I start going to have a look now?'

No. And I think that would really help clarify things for you.

But I would also say that in the current financial climate there's more flexibility than there used to be in the independent sector depending on whereabouts in the country you are and the sort of school you're looking at.

At the school my dds attend, there have been 1 or 2 leavers and starters every couple of years so there may be flexibility for your dcs to start prep at age 7 or even age 8 or 9. It's generally harder if not impossible in Yr 6 and harder still in secondary. It's worth finding out. But then again it depends what sort of kids you've got. I started mine early because I was worried about the competitive entrance exam at age 10 but since then, the school has been much less oversubscribed. One of mine would probably have sailed through regardless of the primary school she'd attended but the other one probably wouldn't. She needs the extra support of the prep and wouldn't have coped with the exam if she'd gone to a state primary.

Gatorade I was in your position last year. I choose the route of working full time and having my 2 DC in a good prep school. 1 year on I have totally reversed my decision and oldest DC is starting at an excellent state school in our village in September. I have had an insight into private education and our local options are just not good enough to justify the loss of mummy time, holidays, friends on your door step etc. I also didn't like the 'over confidence' many of the older children had, the behaviour wasn't IMO good enough etc. They were many pluses, lovely grounds and small classes however the children went on to pretty bog standard fee paying secondary school whereas one or two children in our local state school have gained academic awards for highly regarded Secondary Independents. I guess what I am saying is that this decision is totally down to the schools you have to choose from. Also consider what you really remember about your early childhood.

I am a sahm (have been since dc1 born 7 yrs ago), 2 dc in fee paying schools.

Personally I have never regretted it, I have adored my years as a sahm and am not planning to go back to work now my youngest is about to start school. However I have to acknowledge it would be very hard to go back to my career after such a long Time out.

I have always tried to do something tho, have done a few bits of freelance work, took over the running of a playgroup and currently I do about 10 hrs a week volunteering which I will up when they are all at school. Plus of course the obligatory pre school committees and PTA :)

I don't think this makes me a bad role model for my children. I am proud I have never missed a 'first' anything and have been able to go on school trips, help out when needed and seen every play and assembly going.

gator thank you for your answers. Were you a lawyer too?

You seem well protected financially. You may be already thinking about this, but if you do give up work, it may be in your ebst interests to transfer all your rental properties into your name. You will be able to use your nil-start tax code on the income. And should you ever divorce, it will send out a signal to the court that these properties were intended to protect you.

Unless you run them through a company, of course.

I thin what you really need to weigh up, is how you, as a person, will fell without paid employment. As you can see here, some people really love it.

Ignore any silly comments about not bonding etc Or DC of working parents going off the rails. Most DC have two working parents and most are absolutely happy and lovely. In fact I worked as a lawyer with DC who went off the rails and trust me, it wasn't because their parents worked too hard .

However, it must be said, that some careers lend themselves more easily to family life. Dh's doesn't. Mine didn't. So I gave up.

Now, I didn't remain a SAHM. I hated it in fact. And would still hate it. Instead I carved out a new career for myself that is (almost) entirely flexible around the children, and one where I work from home.

Thus, whilst I can't give you things I value about being a SAHM, I can give you things I value about not being a WOHM;

1. Not having to source childcare.
2. Not having to dread school holidays or illness. Enjoying the former, in fact.
3. Not feeling that neither my DC nor my work were getting the attention they deserved.
4. Being able to attend all school functions.

However, as my DC get older their school hours get much longer, their independence grows, the calls on my time are much less. I feel I could easily WOH now, wihtout compromise. I don't want to go back to it, but frankly, I'd be buggered if I did.

Houses. I know a bit about the law. I am right. On this:

"Xenia just read your post on page 1 about only taking 2 weeks ML. It is (and was even 20 years ago) illegal for an employer to allow a mum to return to work within 3 weeks of giving birth. Are you sure you are not misremembering? (I was in the same position and had to take unpaid leave). I am so glad things have changed for modern mothers and they have longer than that."

It is not. For factory work it is 4 weeks and other work 2 weeks.

I think it's appalling mothers should be criticised if they choose to take 2 weeks off to have a baby and men not so critcised. How sexist. Plenty of women go back quickly and it can be the very best thing for everyone as I explained above.

www.gov.uk/working-when-pregnant-your-rights
Compulsory maternity leave

Even if you?re not taking Statutory Maternity Leave, you must take 2 weeks off after your baby is born - or 4 weeks if you work in a factory"

That is for employees. For the sefl employed there is no period and I took calls the next day after the twins which was lovely. Load of women adore their work and babies and want and have a right to work and have children just like men do.