SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

"If you are happy to spend generation after generation living in the same town or suburb (and lots of people are), there isn't going to be the same need to explore, benchmark, ponder etc."

And does this only happen if both parents are in paid employment?

Not read all the posts but can share my experience. I was a senior manager in a private sector organisation many years ago and then had twins! I breastfed them for 12 months so could n't go back to work. I looked at a few nurseries just before I had them and decided that I would become a SAHM. What fun we had before they were old enough to go to school - picnicing in the park, swimming, soft play centres, mother and toddler playgroups, visiting the local village library etc. I had been in a very well paid job, earning as much as my DH and had a company car.

When they were two and a half, my children went to a pre-school two mornings a week which allowed me time to clean the house and do the weekly shop and it allowed them time to socialise and be without their Mum. It was far harder being at home with my two children than being at work, but I felt I wanted to raise the children with my values and not someone elses. I also witnessed their first smiles, their first time walking on their own, their first words and many firsts. They went to a lovely small village state school and I occasionally helped with swimming and reading and I became a Governor at the school.

They are now 11 years old and both attend a superselective grammar school. When we realised they were quite bright we looked at private education but realised I would have to go back into full time employment to afford it. As a mature mother when I gave birth, my age was against me for full time work, but I also felt it wasn't what was right for our family, so we looked at the city grammars and aimed for them.

We go camping in the summer holiday, have two 8 year old cars and our house has mainly looked like a bomb has hit it. But I wouldn't have it any other way. The children are happy, thriving at their state school and I am working part time to pay for after school clubs, holidays and little extras. We do lots of things together as a family and feel we have done everything possible to guide our children towards a good future. Our salary was halved many years ago when I gave up work for the family and our lifestyle reflects this.

In the last 6 months, my two children and OH were involved in a fatal road accident and my OH was seriously injured. We are thankful that both children were okay but things could have been so different. Do we regret the materialistic items we have given up for me to stay at home and raise the children. We will never get that time again and I often think about the fun we had when the children were small (although it was hard work alot of the time) and can't believe how quickly they have grown. Me going back to work was not for OH and I. We have no regrets.

My DCs have a SAH parent, but it isn't me, it's DH. Until DD2 (the third child) was about 1 we both worked, but my career had taken off to such an extent in such unexpected ways (international travel) that, with DD1 at school and DS about to start school, it was no longer logistically possible to organize things without a gigantic amount of faffing and additional expense. DD1 hated after school club, for example. From having earned about the same when DD1 and DS were born, I was earning more than double what DH was earning and he certainly wasn't earning buttons. And, to be honest - we wanted the kids to have the stability of a parent at home if the other one was overseas for days at a time. Would we have opted for private school for the DCs if DH was working? No. I'm very risk averse, as is he. Making such a long term commitment out of earned income seems ridiculously pollyannatastic to me. How many of us can seriously guarantee our earnings will remain the same (adjusted for inflation) for the next umpty thrumpty years? I know I can't. Jam today, sure - but who knows whether gruel is lurking round the next corner.

Is DH happy as a SAHD? On balance yes, we both believe it's best for the children. He is however a monumentally shit housekeeper, he regards hoovering as the devils work and our house always looks like a tip. This makes me feel sad and him feel bad. For about 5 mins. Then we shrug our shoulders and carry on doing the fun stuff instead

Am I happy as a jet setting WOHM? Most definitely not, I'd much prefer to be the SAH one. But thems the breaks. Someone's got to do it and it makes sense for it to be me. Especially since I too am a shit housekeeper and this way it's not so obvious I was clear the writing was on the wall when DD1 and DS went on strike from eating my cooking not long after DD2 was born. I would be a rubbish SAHM - good on cuddles crap on everything else.

My DCs seem to be doing pretty well. They are none of them boring, anyway, which is my main requirement in a human being.

I think life is dynamic, relationship is dynamic and subjectivity is dynamic. A lot of people in couples drift apart when they have such differing lifestyles as full employment for one and SAH for the other. You wouldn't think of it now, it happens slowly and until the time ppl realise they have travelled completely different routes it can go unnoticed. Your 5 months are just euphoria, but what happens in years, what happens with your mind, with your self, with your DH attitude, with your relationship, is impossible to predict now.

I would personally never leave my job, I love it to pieces and I cannot imagine how on earth I can live being confined to the house. Networks of friends and other mums, parks and everything is nice, but not ALL the time. There is realisation, professional realisation, growth as an individual, which IMHO, is not achievable at home. There is a lack of mechanisms to be pushed in that manner at home. Because it (self-development) not only comes from inside, it's a process consisting of multiple things, some inside, some outside, some born in this interaction.

When your child is 5 months, it still sleeps a lot. Imagine, having no time absolutely, in 6 months time and with more DC, for yourself. Nearly never. Read a book? Forget it. You turn into a serving machine, caring system, nursing, feeding, doing that, or that, whether you want it or not, always, no way out, no space for your brain to do smth different. For me, this is misery.

I am so grateful to our greatgrandmothers fighting for us going to university, having jobs, leaving the tyranny of the domesticity. Domestic is so nice, relaxing, but it can really strangle if you're not careful. Things turning up strangled in the end can be vary varied for different individuals, but something suffocates for sure in this lovely embrace.

I decided to give up work when I had children. I've not missed it because I've found other Oppertunities to keep my grey cells ticking over. Don't dismiss the state system or even consider s bit of both? DD was at a private nursery, state primary, state secondary for 2 years, private school for 3 years & then state sixth form college. DS attended private nursery, state primary, private prep, private senior & will start at a state sixth form college! There's no way we could afford to educate them fully within the private system & fortunately we found a delightful infant school where they never had a class size larger than 25.

Meanwhile I became a school governor them chair of governors, completed evening classes at a local school & university & am now a health trust governor. If illnealth hadn't got in the way I'd be doing much much more than this!

Do what feels right OP. If you feel money would be too tight for 3-4 children, then consider all other options. It would be terrible to pay for 2 children & then for the remainder to have an education they would consider inferior to their older siblings. Also private is not always best. DD's 3 years at her senior girls school were not the happiest years & can't honestly say the teaching was that good. Only kept her there as felt further changes would cause more disruption. DS was more fortunate plus I got a bursary for both of them. I feel we gave them the best options within education we could. DC are not so sure as teens believe any other school is better than their own!

I wish you luck & happy times with your beautiful baby.

First of all - that's awful, Red, your husband's accident. Surely for someone like me that makes me think ah she's now going to say he never worked again and how silly she was to have given up work before. Then I read on and you're all happy so that's fine.

I am the opposite of Meta - I always assume tyhings are going to get better and better and indeed I expect in my 50s to have the chance to do all kinds of work thing (ie enjoy work and make more money) than ever because the children are getting older.

I suppose the thread shows that different parents including house husbands make things work in their own ways. Most of all children want happy paernts. Many women particularly those who liked their jobs and are fairly bright hate being housewives so that is never a wise option for them as they will make everyone miserable. I always add the political point that as long as it is always muggins mum saddled with all the stuff at home then we will never get women to positions of power and if it's in theb alance - husband or wife at home then for political reasons at least until 50% of boards and the cabinet etc are male then it should be the man at home. That is your duty.

Please don't assume that only stupid women like looking after their children. It is so insulting and wrong. I am also concerned that you think it's a good idea for children to be brought up by stupid people! Or are you saying that child minders, nannies and so on are bright because they are paid to do it?

meta I know quite a few SAHDs.

Mostly they worked in the meeja and publsihing beforehand so were not earning a lot and thus it made sense for theor partners to work full time and they look after the DC.

My observations of them are that on the whole they are far more relaxed and pragmatic about DC/home running, than my female friends.

You don't hear them pontificating about working Dads. You don't hear them discussing housework as if it were a highly skilled position.

Also, they nearly all do some form of freelance work. And thier DC fit in around it.

I know a couple who are really unhappy, but that is not true for most.

"I am also concerned that you think it's a good idea for children to be brought up by stupid people."

I agree with seeker on this one. There is no getting away from the fact that DCs who spend the majority of their time with limited vocabularies and poor expression don't enrich their language in the same way that DCs who spend their time with more educated and verbal people do. And surely the same goes for all other human skills? Why wouldn't it?

Though to be honest Bonsoir the langauge used by many SAHMs on the Cherie Blair thread doesn't fill me with hope that their DC are being given an enlightened upbriging.

Xenia, children do not want "happy parents" if that means the parents are not there.

Children want parents to be THERE. Not quality time, quantity time. Parenting requires time and patience and not putting yourself first from the parents.

If that set up is not possible, then of course, a CM or nanny can be a good second-best option.

Funny how fathers (who bring home the bacon and keep the family in style) get to put themselves first and get away with it

Actually Xenia's last post is a good reflection of how I feel.

She said MANY bright women, not most or all and I think that is true. In fact I suspect the word "bright" is irrelevant. Many women struggle to adapt to SAH role.

I won't be buying any islands soon but this view is not exclusive to high earners, or full time workers, and is an observation of some people's reality. Just because it is not yours doesn't mean it is insulting.

We are just different. Obvious!

I think SAHM. Time is precious-why sell it if you don't have to? I am a SAHM and my DC are doing very well in state school. Being with Mum and Dad very often is very valuable to a child, few kids prefer childcare.

' Do we regret the materialistic items we have given up for me to stay at home and raise the children. We will never get that time again and I often think about the fun we had when the children were small (although it was hard work alot of the time) and can't believe how quickly they have grown. Me going back to work was not for OH and I. We have no regrets'

Very good post RedVW. I'm sorry to hear about the accident. I feel simelar after having been through hell to have my kids (stillbirths, near fatal births etc) and couldn't give a crap about material stuff and careers now. That isn't to say no SAHP are materialistic (I know of some) or that people are only working for that stuff; many work to survive.

Thing is, and I know this is easy for me to say because I am able to earn lots of money and be around for my DC as a SAHP would, I do think that one needs a certain amount of cash to access certain things for ones DC.

It's not remotely apparent when they're small, but as they get older, you really do see how money becomes more and more important. It's wrong, but that's just how it is.

"Funny how fathers (who bring home the bacon and keep the family in style) get to put themselves first and get away with it"

Some do. Some, like my dp, found it very hard to spend so much time away and was putting his own needs and desires second to the good of the family unit when he was earning enough money to keep us all going.

But seeker I bet no one thought he was a bad parent for having the gall to work.
This seems to be a critisism levelled only at women.

I agree with wordfactory that educating children in a broad and varied way requires rather a lot of money. It also, however, requires time and forethought. I know rather a lot of parents with masses of £££ or $$$ or euros, and the willingness to spend it on their DCs, but absolutely no time for forethought, or even daily support.

@word My DH did not work in publishing or the meeeja. He was a well paid academic. But it still made sense financially to facilitate my career rather than maintain his and for me to downsize. I've got a great job. I don't dislike it if one accepts that one has to work. I'd prefer to be at home reading a book though rather than in Luxembourg on the third trip this month (with two more European trips in the next two weeks before I stop for the zombie zone that will be the 'lympics and August. I would also rather have been at home for DD1's first GCSE exam yesterday, and for the many music exams which my DCs are taking next week (appalling scheduling on my part). It should be noted though that they are delighted I won't be around for these since I wind them up. They are less delighted at my now traditional missing of all the school summer concerts. But there's not a lot that can be done about that - this is one of the busiest times of the year for me. Tant pis.

What my sort of job does bring though is a degree of flexibility which means that at less busy times of the year I am around much more than a typical WOHM. And they quite like that. Swings, roundabouts. What my DCs are definitely growing up seeing though is that people can have all sorts of different domestic and working arrangements and none of them are necessarily less valid than any of the others. They also see that into every life a little rain must fall.

I might possibly have put them off visiting most of the major cities of the world though. Because I'm not exactly an enthusiastic sampler of the global lifestyle. East, West, home (or NYC) is best. That's the message I;m clearly giving out!

Indeed, Bonsoir.

And I know I'm absurdly lucky to be able to earn money and still have the time.

If one had to go though...the money or the time...it would be a tough call. Especially as DC get older. The costs mount.

Even just 2 minutes ago when I was trying to cook my lunch and then had to stall it to take a call from a daughter, that illustrated the merit of working. She had a work query adn I could answer it. Had I been a housewife we would not have that bond. Mother/fathers who have a doctor daughter get lots of nice chances to talk about work - it's a real bonding thing. If instead you are a housewife and bring up your daughter ot be one I suppose you can call each other about baking and stuff I think we forget how much our children as they get older admire our status, career, interesting work and of course the money and there is none of that if you are a housewife.

Also of course all the working fathers and mothers do have a relationshipw ith their children. The stay at homers always imply that if you work you never see a child. First of all I was breastfeeding every few hours all night neve rmind before work and as soon as i got in the door so that's hours and hours (as mnie never slept much). Secondly mos parents when children are little try to rush home and do less after work stuff so usually get there for a few hours in the evening so lots of time then and as most small children get up at 6am (ugh) you had a goodly bit of time early on and then all the weekends. Then at 3 they are probably in nursery school half the day so your'e outsourcing to their Montessori or whatever anyway even if you're at home and then big school at 4.

I have never said stay at home parents have a low IQ. I have said though that in general those who earn £50k - £100k are less likely to give up work and people in those income brackets then to be those who are fairly bright. If your IQ if 90 you aren't likely to earn much so it can make economic sense to stay home. If you're on £100k and your husband on £20k rarely does the woman stay home.

Also do not forget that financial status is actually one of the best predictors of child outcomes and private school too and if your work makes the family better off then that alone can help the children do very well. Teenagers often want stuff, silly them and if you want to imbibe into them a work ethic (see other thread on skills need for an international working life) it doesn't help if mummy sits at home and gets her nails done and hasn't done a day's work for 20 years.

meta my DH does not exacyly sell travelling with work either. I think the DC thought it was worse than death.

Then DH and I both had meetings in NYC so we took the DC with us and juggled meetings. They could not believe how cool the whole thing was.

Though to be fair, if either of us had been travelling alone we wouldn't have swum in the hotle pool everyday, visited Central Park and Ground Zero, spent a fortune in Maceys and Saks ...well okay I might have popped into the ships.

Oh my ... Xenia you leave me sat here with my mouth open.

I had a brilliant job that I absolutely loved (educated to degree level, selective school from 4 in case you decree me 'not bright') however being at home with my children gives me far more satisfaction. Our dc are at private school, but if the option was state school or for me to return to work. State school it would be.

Incidentally my mum worked and I really resented it. I wanted to come home to find my mum at home, so she could spend time with me, I had my own front door key at 11 and an empty house til 6.

My youngest starts school this Sept. I have no wish to return to work and besides my career has sailed off without me, however I do voluntary work and will do more of it. That way I have the feeling of doing something useful, my children get me every hour they need me.

Oh Xenia really. You talk as if SAHPs stayed in confined to the four walls of their kitchen with no contact with the outside world. I think you need to get out a bit yourself! I certainly never, ever discuss baking with my mother - we are much more likely to get into heated debate over comparative welfare provision in the different countries we have lived in or the state of ME countries or the intricacies of 16-18 curricula across examination systems or which jurisdiction is best to get divorced in. Or anything really.