SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

If you wnat to leave your babies at 2 weeks that is your business.

but don't taut it as some sort of ideal we should all aspire to

BTW, are you in a relationship Xenia? you mention work and babies but no partner...

just wondering

Why? Because a woman is nothing without a man in her life, I suppose?

I haven't actually read the whole post but I believe your query was whether it would be better to be a SAHM or pay for private.

If I were you I would wait a while. You said that your local schools aren't great but then they may turn around. As other posters have said private schools aren't necessarily better.

Having said all that both my dc are at private schools and I do believe that they are at the best schools for them. One is very academic and the other is more laid back and I have been able to find schools which they love and which enable them to make the most out of themselves.

I am also a SAHM and am proud to be one. I consider my job to be vital as I consider raising my children to be my most important role. I did have a 'high flying' career but don't miss it for a second. Luckily for us my dh earns enough money for us to be able to afford our lifestyle and we are all happy with the arrangement.

I am not saying that working mums are evil incarnate, far from that. Some women work because they need to and some because they want to. Fair enough. I don't want to or need to.

If my dh didn't earn enough I would actually rather send my dc to the local state school than work as I still think being a SAHM is more important. The caveat to this statement is that my local state schools are actually very good, just not as good as their indie ones.

Someone upthread (sorry can't find the post now) mentioned that your career can also stagnate if you choose to return to work p/t rather than full time. I went back to work p/t and that has certainly been my experience. But the important point here is that working part time allowed me to spend time with my DC when they were little whilst retaining a foot in the career door. now my DC are at school I am looking to increase my hours and have no doubt my career can and will take off again. If I'd been a SAHM for this time it's unlikely I would have found a job in my field again. And that's even without a recession to factor in which of course make it harder.

Agree with redsky that your career doesn't have to stagnate if you work p/t. My pro rata salary doubled in 3 years working p/t (3, then 4 days per week), whilst working in two really challenging and interesting roles. It depends where you work, and your manager!

Having to work all hours solely to pay school fees is nuts. Move to an area with good state schools and see more of your dcs. Working because you need the money for basics and/or it makes you happy is fine but doing it at the expense of seeing your children, while thinking it will improve their life chances is not. If you want to be a sahm AND educate privately then stick to two children. Compromise.

no, wordfactory, not because a woman is worth nothing without a man.

But because IF you are in a relationship you might understand the concept of working as a team, and respect. Talking about "handouts" and "being a servant" etc don't strike a chord with me at all.

that is why I was wondering.

I have read this with interest. Without a doubt it comes down to the sort of individuals you and your children are and what your local schools are like.

I went back to work after 9 months mat leave on both occasions, then when DD1 started at state school and was unhappy I finished work. However, she didn't need me at home when she was at school. I went back to work 4 months later but on a part-time basis. P.S. I used the 4 months to get an informed idea of what her school was actually like. She is now at a private school, despite the school being outstanding according to Ofsted. Horses for courses all round. She's happier at her new school, I am happy at work.

Good luck in making your decision.

I think the decision also depends on your relationship and whether it is based on trust, teamwork and mutual respect or... not.

I don't think it's relevant but in our nearly 210 years of marriage we did work as a team. He took them to the dentist for 17 years. I did our tax returns. He had a period being 100% the person who did the washing, I did the girls' plaits and got school stuff ready etc etc. All couples try to work on that basis.

In fact before we even married we discussed childcare as all sensible couples should. As I was going to earn more he would haev given up work had childcare not worked out he offered but that never transpired. I remember his plan he could bring a baby to me in a London park to breastfeed at lunch time which might have been rather nice.

I took 5 years off when I had my DCs. DS1 had already started school when I went back 3 days a week and DS2 was almost 3 when I started (he went to pre-school).

This has not really affected my career as within 18 months of returning to work I have been given a really good promotion and finished my final exam.

From about 2 years ago we decided we wanted the children to go to a lovely local private school, mainly in preparation for Secondary school as they are awful in this area. At the time I wasn't back to work and it was all a bit unknown so we made the decision to wait until they were 7 to go private or 11 at worst case.

I wouldn't have given up being a SAHM to send them private at all, we just hoped things would work out that way. As it happens due to unforseen circumstances DS2 starts pre-prep at 4 yrs in September and DS1 will have a place for Juniors (they were full in his year as we left it too late to apply).

I do have the occasional wobble as it is a big investment, it sounds really selfish and a bit materialistic but I see things that we could afford if we had an extra £1400 per month spare but I ask myself 'actually how would it enhance my life other than maybe going away for a few more weekends or buying Gucci handbags'. I also wouldn't sacrifice our family holidays or after school clubs/music lessions etc to send them private, the deal was we must be able to afford both otherwise we wouldn't do it.

Teamwork isn't the same thing as division of domestic and childcare labour.

210 years of marriage? , it can feel that way, I know.

Bonsoir is right, division of labour does not equal teamwork or marriage.

I meant that we think what works for the family, not just for us as individual units. It is give and take from both sides. Also, *someone has to look after the kids, there is no way around that. I don't think it is demeaning, or less worthwhile to do so myself.

Thing is though, all the teamwork and respect in the world won't help if your DH dies or becomes ill/disabled.

Fortunately the OP has protected herself but I so wish more women would do the same before giving up work.

I probably should mention that after the 1st 2 years of being off work I actually did a lot of voluntary work relevant to me field as well as expanding on other related areas. I am sure this helped a lot but meant I was free to do this work when the DCs were at pre-school so didn't affect our time together too much. This really helped when going back to work TBH.

Team work usually means woman ends up with dross dull stuff and husband had great career and best of all worlds and woman later regrets it if you're not careful. Our team work (19 not 210) was many jobs we both did at home and for others a division as it's easier as am an to be 100% responsible for washing or woman for the tax returns or however else you divide it - one does all the cooking the other does all the laundry is fair non sexist divison which does not damgae women's work prospects or income. Team work of many people means woman sacrifices all and man sacrifices nothing which is not really how good teams work.

Teamwork in a marriage is about combining your skills to best effect in realising a shared vision and goals. God help those "couples" who think that is about who loads the dishwasher.

My DH and I make a perfect team and this is because we have changed roles and flexed around circumstances so many times that nobody sees the other as having one role and one role only. I like it that way.

I think we are all agreeing that teamwork is having an arrangement that works and that does not make one person feel lumbered with all the responsibilities.

I am still shocked how many women work (part-time and full time) and yet are expected to do all the childcare, cooking, washing, cleaning and tidying.
I am not exactly sure why they stand for it.

The other side of the coin for us is that DH and I earn and have always earned the same salary. This means that when I have had time off or SAHM or gone part-time it has made a much bigger difference to our family budget than it would have had he earned double.

This has determined some of our decisions and family dynamics. Everyone's situation is very different, but I would feel very very responsible leaving my job to SAHM as our household budget would be halved.

"Team work usually means woman ends up with dross dull stuff and husband had great career and best of all worlds and woman later regrets it if you're not careful"

Yep. Really dross dull stuff- like bringing up the next generation of citizens.

It boils down to whether or not you think there is worth in the SAHM role.

Xenia clearly doesn't think so. It is decision we must all make for ourselves, within the context of our families.

I happen to think self worth comes from more than just career and money, and I want to have children who have this fairly fundamental belief as well. Staying at home is a valid choice as is working.

I dont consider looking after ones own children as dross, or a chore.

I don't think it's that simple. It depends on the life you lead. If you want to progress as a family beyond the confines of the life you know, that requires research, thought, consultation, decision-making. That can be a large part of the SAHP's remit.

If you are happy to spend generation after generation living in the same town or suburb (and lots of people are), there isn't going to be the same need to explore, benchmark, ponder etc.

But your family can progress (or not) regardless of employment status.

Really? I think that families progress due to a large combination of factors and that income is often part of the equation! I also know plenty of families that are stuck in a rut (big time) with lots of cash to splash around...

It's clear that Xenia doesn't place any value on the role of a SAHM and hugely values the role of highly paid female commercial lawyers. She often reduces her argument to the fact that the latter can therefore afford school fees which will be the key factor in their child's success and that the WOHM will be satisfied and happy and that is a good for the family.

But there's more than one way to skin a cat.

I believe that the same result can be achieved either way, given an astute parent. I started at very much the same starting point as Xenia, also have a large family (well, larger), my children have achieved the same (or better) academic results (though with less music, sadly) and without any expenditure on schooling. I'm also pretty happy and don't regret commercial law.

Mind you, I don't champion being a SAHM as the only route to salvation, since it's very clear that it's not.