SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

polly yup those stats are correct. Or they were the last time I looked them up.

Oxbridge have increased the number of state schooled entrants over the years...from grammar schools!

Actually the number of schools represented at Oxbridge is pathetcially small.

That's not to say of course, that someone from an entirely different school won't egt in, or that one should go to work just to maximise your DC's chances...even I, ambitious vixen that I am, wouldn't slave for twenty years solely in the hopes my DC might get into Oxbridge .

I am driven I suppose and have a fairly high flying career.

After dd1 I was really torn about what to do, but went back to work as I knew we wanted dc2 pretty quick.

However, after dd2 I was ready to go back to work and I enjoy it. The sheer monotony of day after day of a toddler and a baby, and it is bloody hard work! I work 3 days a week and don't feel my career has been side tracked at all.

Yes you're right Word, pathetically small. I think the issue isn't so much state v private as elite state/private vs the rest. I can honestly say that my rubbish private school with non qualified teachers was absolutely in no way a path to academic glory and untold riches.
Anyway, again digressing. I really don't agree with the way Xenia has phrased it, but Leslie Bennetts in the Feminine Mistake does express something similar that did influence my decision. There are far more off ramps than on ramps in the world of work and you've got a lot of your life to go. For the brief times I had no or little income, I hated it. My marriage and mood has improved enormously since this has changed. And if you'd asked me when my first was 6 months old, I'd have absolutely argued that I'd be happy to stay at home. It may be that you don't want to go back to the same job, but maybe you could use this time to think about something you would like to do that could fit in with your 2/3/4 children.
I do think it's potentially sad to be limiting the number of children you may have in the future because of at the moment theoretical school choices.

I agree weith PP. Alao huge nmbers of women find their relationship alters if they give up work. They are the lesser second person to the all seeing all knowing God of money making. They ireon his shirts and must do as he say, give him sex and stay pretty for him otherwise he will desert her and pick another. It is an utterly different relationship for many when they become a housewife, unbearable for many. Also their husband married the exciting pretty career woman. he didn't marry a divorced stat at home mother. He wants what he signed up for not something different.

Also if the mother is at home she tends to get lumbered with all manner of dull servile stuff and a pattern is developed even at weekends that she does everything chidlren. It is a slippery slope and countless women hate it and regret it. I recommend earning 10x your husband. Now that really is huge fun.

Xenia what you describe undoubtably does happen.

To some. Not to all.

A few years ago I was unemployed for a few months, and while I didn't enjoy it because i wanted to be working (and had no children at home) it did not harm my marriage. I did not become a slave. I did not become 'less' in the eyes of my husband. I was not bullied. I was not left, divorced or forced into servitude.

Conversely all money was shared and home life was split proportionately to how much time we both had. DH did chores in his evenings off. I did what I had time for in the day, which was by no means everything because, actually, despite being unemployed I was busy volunteering, running, caring for elderly family members, seeing friends, reading, writing, having a social life etc etc...

The very idea of sitting at home dieting and 'looking pretty' for my man is, frankly, laughable to me in the context of my marriage.

Have I married the only decent man out there or are your opinions based on your own fears?

No two marriages are the same OP, only you can know if one of you working would work for your family and your self esteem.

Right, I'm leaning towards going back now to be honest, but here are my answers to wordfactory's questions, more to help my own thinking, sometimes seeing these things in black and white helps.

1. Will your DH's salary be able to provide you wiht the standard of living you want for you and your DC? As Bonsoir says, ask yourself what you want to provide. Be scrupulously honest.

We are lucky, DH has a very good salary and annual bonus. His salary would comfortably provide for our lifestyle (we use the equivalent of my salary as mortgage overpayments at the minute) and could pay for at least one DC to go to a good fee paying school. However, see below about job security!!

We are hoping to have the mortgage paid off on our home by the time DD starts school. We do however still have mortgages on two investment properties (one without) and although they are rented out there are times when they are not rented out so we need to cover these months out of our income.

2. Is your DH's salary and career stable?

He seems to think so! I am not so sure. I think that he is comfortable that as he has 'in demand' skills he could get another job if he ever was made redundant. This worries me. We are fortunate enough to have savings and if the worst came to the worst we could sell assets but I would hate to be in this position. This is another reason why it would be better for me to keep working.

3. Is your DH happy to be the sole breadwinner for the long term? Ask him to be scrupulously honest. Some people find this very stressful.

We have been discussing me going back to work for a long time (since before DD was conceived) and I think DH always says what he thinks I want to hear. We have just had a brutally honest chat over DDs bath time and night time feed, I showed him this thread and asked him to be be honest.

His view - he doesn't want me to go back to work. He thinks it is better for DD and any future DCs to have the security of a stay at home parent and seems to think their relationship with me will suffer if I work . I need to think this through a little bit and we clearly need to talk more about this. I don't want him resenting me going back to work, and I don't want to not go back just because he wants me to stay at home. With the football being on this is probably not a good time to probe him further on this one!

4. How will you protect yourself financially in the event of divorce, accident or death of your DH?

Accident and death of DH (what an awful but very important thing to think about) are well covered by insurance. Divorce would be more of a challenge, I have investment property as a fall back, one in my name which isn't mortgaged and I could live off the income but certainly couldn't pay school fees out of it. I guess everyone thinks 'divorce won't happen to me' but I should consider this further too.

5. How will you protect your retirement?

I need a whole different thread on this!! [whisper] I have stopped paying into my pension, although my employer still is. All my eggs are in property baskets. I need to deal with this no matter what I decide to do about going back to work.

6. What will replace the things about your career that gave you satisfaction? Olease don't say your DC .

No idea and something I am worried about.

I have read through the rest of the comments too. Given the stats given about Oxbridge etc maybe it is selfish of me to not go back to work (pushy parent...!) and therefore give DD the best opportunity in life. I don't know if the DCs will be academic but i should do all I can to offer them the best.

Can someone help balance up my views and give me the benefits to DCs (and to me and my DH actually) of me being a SAHM?

First comment is that four months isn't long enough to decide whether you really do want to be a SAHM in the long run. I recently had 8 months off: spent the first 5-6 loving being with the children, baking loads, seeing friends etc. Then the next two months working out how to go back to work earlier than planned, because, actually, it's nice to have a break from the office but ultimately - I found - unfulfilling and lacking in intellectual challenge. Start thinking about your options, but don't assume that your feelings won't change.

Second comment is that one other reason for me going back was that I was acutely aware of the message I would be giving my DC (and DD in particular): I studied hard and got two excellent degrees, had a great career, got promoted lots, had a short break with DS, got promoted some more, bright young thing etc, then you came along and I stopped....

The stats about Oxbridge are misleading.

Other factors are IMO more important. Your DC are not automatically discounted from entry if you stay at home. It is just more likely that a super-motivated intellectual parent will work and so it appears that working mothers are a pre-requisite. This is untrue, what really matters for your family is how you bring them up.

Being five months into maternity leave is not like being a SAHM. I felt like you at the same stage: this changed when I had two DC (having worked Pt in between) at home for 16 months!

Things to consider: redundancy and not being able to get a job at the same level of pay (things are v strange right now), death, divorce or one partner having affair, behaving badly or wanting to leave, illness/injury (serious enough to get sacked/run out of sick pay but not enough for critical illness insurance to pay out).

I would be much less anti staying at home if there were many more men staying at home with children and many more women in top positions at work.

Would your husband support you if you went back to work? The problem with being the lower earner with one v high earner can sometimes be that the high earner can't or won't help with stuff like drop-offs, Dc being ill etc. His point about the Dcs relationship with you suffering if you work is bollocks and actually quite manipulative.

In your shoes, I would go back PT, get the best possible childcare, take the full maternity leave with the next DC, then see how you feel.

In support of SAHMs, think about the great stability you could offer your DC. Think about remaining the primary influence in their lives. Knowing the minutiae of what is going on in their lives. Think about the increased amount of emotional support you can offer them. You would not be gambling on child care, even a fantastic facility can have one shite member of staff, you eliminate this influence by staying at home.

By staying at home you have much greater opportunity to structure and organise your DCs early years in the way you think best and appropriate to their development.

By staying at home you afford yourself much more personal freedom to pursue interests outside the realms of work.

You could gain fufillment in other areas of your life as well as your children. You could read, write, volunteer, visit, study, develop your own interests to a greater extent than you could of you worked.

Don't underestimate the value of things that don't 'make money'.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking employment=worth. That way true slavery lies.

Can I throw something else in? It also depends on your child. Just because a huge proportion of Oxbridge students ate from private schools, doesn't mean that your child will thrive with both parents in full-time work.

I am particularly thinking of a child I know, whose parents work long hours, with travel. The child was in nursery from 7.30am to 6.30pm five days a week, and is now in a private prep with similar wrap around care. Fantastic care, but it just does not suit him, and he is not a happy child. He is very shy, very clingy.

Thanks Dozer, you make some good points but just to defend DH before he gets the manipulative label he only thinks this because of the difference between my relationship with my working mother (which is good but not cuddly) compared to his with his SAHM mum, he is just naieve. I have no doubt he will support whatever choice I make. Incidentally he doesn't earn that much more than me, although he would if I was part time!

If you want to know one of the benefits of being a SAHM, my DS (6) loved having me around for so long, and the fact I could go to the class assemblies, help out in the library, actually make the sodding costumes for dress up day with two days notice, etc etc, was nice and good for him.

I suspect that if he were older he would have been rather less keen on me being able to crawl all over school and know what he is up to every day...

The trouble with going back to work part time is that it can grind your career to as much of a stand still as leaving completely, only you will be there to witness it and be engaged about it. It is really annoying to see people that have less experience/capability promoted over you because they put in longer hours.

Also when you work in a professional role part time you may be given a full time case load.

Your family will also see you as the go to person because you only work part time and you may have to fend of requests to go and queue up at the post office, book all flights, pop in and drop off abc to xyz, do all the banking mundane shitty tasks that everybody else wants to palm off.

Your post suns up exactly what I think would happen with my career if I do go back part time good as gold , the only positive to that situation is that I would be earning money and at least id keep my hand in so that I don't have a huge career gap when/if I decide I want to work full time and try to get to the top.

Thanks also to those who have reminded me it's still early days, things can change, I might be loving being at home now but I can see that it isn't always the nice easy option that the pre baby rose tinted glasses can make it look to be.

I really do love it now though, I adore seeing my DD change and develop each day, I love planing stimulating activities for her and introducing the world to her, I think I would be jealous of a nanny if she was experiencing these things instead of me.

In my experience, part time does not work for a number of reasons as other posters ha e mentioned. Someone gave me very good advise "work full time and outsource everything that you don't need to do yourself freeing up time. "

Goodasgold, working PT may damage career prospects, but to nowhere near the same extent as a long career break. Job-sharing or doing four days seems to work well for some people.

on the oxbridge thing, isn't the important thing the relative number of applicants from state and private rather than entrants? Seemed to me (a state school applicant and entrant) that there were far fewer applicants from state schools (don't know the actual stats) and so they were more likely to get in. So if you're a parent who values the oxbridge poss, state schools might be best (if you're not, your child is better off privately educated, unless a genius or unusually driven).

My DP is on the telephone right now offering support to a friend of his whose eldest DD has gone completely off the rails. Said DD is at one of the most desirable schools in Paris, has had every educational advantage in life, is multi-talented. Both her parents have always worked extremely hard... but they both recognise that they did not pay their three DCs enough attention and all three are in big trouble - the eldest being the most problematic as she has entered the high-stakes exam years. DP's friend gave up his career earlier in the year in order to provide a more supportive environment for his DC, but it is taking a lot more than that to sort.