SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

I would be interested in hearing from people who have stayed at home as well though (whether or not the alternative was fee paying schools)

Probably get flamed for this but I think what is right for the mother is right for the child, and once you frame it that way, consequences/decisions can be flowed through easily. You sound like you want to be a sahm, so stay at home and give them the support they need as they go through the state sector. If you want to work, then work and pay for the best poss childcare & education your salary can afford.

Happy mothers tend to result in happy balanced children - just my humble opinion though.

Well i'm in my 8th year of being a SAHM to 3 dc's - in fee-paying schools.

I'm not going to go back to my old career but now my youngest starts 2 days a week in September I'm looking for something to do. Not quite sure what yet but it will be very different to my old career as I do need something that fits around my family really.

So although you may not choose to go back to your old career it doesn't mean you can't do something interesting in the future. So many people nowadays have a variety of careers.

I might want to work diabolo, I would possibly be bored if I had nothing to do whilst the DCs are at school, although I know some people who are very happy with that arrangement.

gator can I just say it's good to see you are so realisitic about the future. Far too many women labour under the delusion that you can ho off and back on the job market, as if it were the number 42.

That's not to say you shouldn't give up, of course.

Things to think about. By no means a definitive list.

1. Will your DH's salary be able to provide you wiht the standard of living you want for you and your DC? As Bonsoir says, ask yourself what you want to provide. Be scrupulously honest.

1. Is your DH's salary and career stable?

1. Is your DH happy to be the sole breadwinner for the long term? Ask him to be scrupulously honest. Some people find this very stressful.

1. How will you protect yourself financially in the event of divorce, accident or death of your DH?

1. How will you protect your retirement?

1. What will replace the things about your career that gave you satisfaction? Olease don't say your DC .

Gatorade - I gave up my career and haven't regretted it for a moment! Been there, done that. Having said that, the fact that I worked for a long time before having DC and did all sorts of quite exciting and interesting things continues to open a lot of doors for me. I would not be happy being a cake-baking sort of rural mother - I like being busily part of the globalised world. My DC are at French private schools (so not the sort of horrible mortgage defying school fees that you have in England) and we can afford to pay for a lot of extras for them, so there was no trade off for us there, fortunately.

What kind of thing would you do to keep yourself engaged with the wider world when your DC grew up, were you to stop working?

Can you tell I used to be a lawyer?

OP - you are right, you might want to work, or you might love being at home (I was a rubbish SAHM, sat around reading all day instead of doing any housework or coking, I hate the gym and "lunching" isn't my cup of tea either).

From a purely personal opinion, I would do the private route and work 3/4 days per week to support that as you state in your OP. It's similar to what I do myself.

But what suits me, wouldn't suit everyone, and I was lucky enough to walk straight into a job in a school so don't have to worry about any child-care during holidays etc, which always seems to be a problem with other working mums I know.

cooking, not coking

I will start with you Bonsoir as I am going to have to think about some of wordfactory's questions for a little longer!

I think I have had a similar previous 'exciting' career, I have worked for the same company for more than 10 years and it has taken me all over the world, including 3 years in Asia. I clearly would have to modify my role to fit it around my family if I go back. But, as you have eluded to it does mean that I feel fulfilled at the minute and as though I have had an interesting career that have done the things I wanted to do, I don't feel I still need to 'achieve' anything which is why I think I can focus on enjoying being a SAHM.

Maybe the answer is to just have two children!!

Fewer DC certainly offers more freedom and fewer costs. DP has two DSs and we have DD together. That's plenty for us! We all like our independence and are not glued to one another.

For the record about 20% of a level students are at private schools and the no of private entrants to Oxbridge is now near enough 40% so the statistics above aren't accurate. Ie you're twice as likely to get in from a private school as opposed to the statistics above wh suggest you're 8 tines as likely. Which given the selective nature of top privates isn't surprising...
Anyway, I remember a journalist writing that all women fancy being a sahm at 6 months with one child. It's so lovely you can't imagine leaving them. Try to separate out the arguments as I think you're conflating lots of issues (no of children to have, whether to work, type of education) plus nothing is irreversible.

gator I think one of the reasons I don't miss being a laywer is that I did it for almost fifteen years when I gave up!!! I had done so much during those years.

My only regret is that I was just about to become a judge, and I wish I'd kept that up actually. It would have been interesting. But the day to day lawyering...I was pretty sated.

But not having a career at all wasn't for me.

You can never predict the future, but I will post here a word of caution.

I am a full time lone parent with 2 DC in private schools. When they were small I toyed with the idea of giving up work to be a SAHM, but I kept my hand in professionally, even though I was running a company with my now ex.

Thank god I did. I never planned to be a LP, but my now ex left us and because I hadnt given up I was able to pick up my professional career. I am typing this from a hotel somewhere in Europe, but at least my DC have managed to stay in school, and I can pay the bills. I shudder to think where we would all be now if I had given up work.

polly the number of entrants at Oxbridge who are either private or grammar schooled stands at almost 70%.

So one way or another, you'd better have some cash.

I also had an exciting corporate career once. Am a few levels lower than I was but it fits in with the DC

Well that's another point to consider.

If you do return to work after a period staying at home, the chances are you will have to go back in at a lesser level. Most women do.

Some are pragmatic. If it suits family life, the rest is not a problem.
Others cannot stand to see less able candidates being promoted above them and their hearts turn to bitter ash .

Do you have any opportunity to work part time?

I decided early on I could not afford to take a lengthy period out of my job as I would become out of date with changes to legislation etc. This wouldn't make going back impossible by any means, but it would make for so much extra prep before returning I thought I would be put off as that would all have to be done in my own time for free.

So - went back when DS1 was 9 months, and then subsequently had a whole year off for DS2 and DS3 and now work part time.

Although the money is pretty good for the amount of work I actually have to do as an established professional I don't do it just for that - it's extras, and if I had been keen to stay at home I would have had to compromise on that as DH is not a high earner.

I work because I would slowly go mad if I had no escape from being a SAHM, ever. I think that's the first thing you need to think about.

Even without thinking about any research about whether a mother WOH benefits her children, I know that it is good for my own happiness and that this has a positive effect on my children.

Mine go to the local, good, state primary by the way although that is as much about principles as money as a bit of extra work by me would pay for the fees but I prefer to spend it on other opportunities for the children / family.

before I had ds1 I was convinced I would get a full-time nanny and go back to work full-time - I loved my job (media) and was very successful (and earned more than dh)

However, I got pregnant about 2 years before I'd planned to (I needed about another 2 years to work out my career plan) and things changed dramatically once ds was born.

I realised when he was about 7 weeks old that I couldn't leave him for 15 hours a day 4-5 days a week and so went back part time (3 long days) until I had ds2. Having children completely stymied my career - I was working in a young, mainly masculine environment with a long-hours culture and lots of networking needed - which just didn't fit in with my new priorities and I ended up being put in a box marked 'mother, not serious about her career' ...

meanwhile, dh's career was on a steadily upward trajectory and when he got offered a fantastic opportunity abroad it seemed the sensible thing to do was to stop work and be a SAHM for a while

I've now been out of the 'proper' workforce for 12 years although I've done bits and pieces of work here and there (and had another child) and I now have three part time jobs which I fit in during school hours and evenings.

If I could do it all again however I would have tried harder to keep hold of my career because now I really miss it - I miss the status it gave me, I miss the money and independence and I worry about the message I'm giving my children - ds1 refuses to acknowledge the fact that I work at all because I earn so much less than dh. If you step off the career path completely it can be very difficult if not impossible to get back so I'd think carefully about it before doing something drastic

It's at this point I mention I bought an island in the Pacific in 2005 and the older children are doing very well, genuilneyl not to show off but just to say women can have variety in their lives and dont' jsut have to be virtual servants chained to the home like a Saudi owned bride

Xenia you were coming across as quite reasonable until this. I mean what? Is there no middle ground? Can you not be a SAHM, happy, fulfilled and successful in the things you are doing without being enslaved?

This idea that you only have value as a human being if you have a job is abhorrent. I'm not denying that work brings money. However, if you are lucky enough not to be totally dependent on your own wage, this is a position of privilege from which you have the choice to do so many things.

If money, private islands, private schooling and Oxbridge are ALL you think is worthwhile OP then yes, obviously go back to work. If your world is somewhat wider than that, then take a bit more time to consider ALL the options.

(FWIW I am pro independent schooling, but that isnt really the point here).

Whilst I am considering everything, and thinking of answers I will say that yes, I can go part time, but I would then be 'stuck' at my current level, and, one other point to consider is that I can take a career break and go back at the same level, or maybe 1 level below. But, those options would damage me long term and I think I am an 'all or nothing' sort of person.

DH is home and we need to get DD to get ready for bed, I will ponder words questions, and the others posed since and get back to you all later.

Thanks for helping me think through things.

If Oxbridge is important to you yes word...
Actually I'd quite like my kids to go if I'm being honest and if it's their aim too but am guessing the stats on children of two Oxbridge educated parents is probably another story that trumps the fact that my poor deprived kids are at state schools.
But is that true? That half of all state school entrants are from grammars. They were all from Camden girls and hills road in my day.
Anyway a digression as I still think op shouldn't make it an either/or

wf's list is good and I agree with the comment about happy parents mean happy children.
(Yes, my Oxbridge stats may be slightly off but the basic principle is still there - private school equals massive advantage although I think the decision for you is more about other issues).

The other issues and I am very very fimrly in one camp are loss of self adn status, utter boredom at home, no earnings, mean leaving women all the time, sdisappearing with a younger woman abroad and paying nothing agian eever and very importgantly the fact that in most decent careers if you come off track you can never ever get back properly again. You might get back on £13k as a class roiom assistant but your chance to lead the business and earn hundreds of thousands has forever gone. You shoot your career to pieces.

Then there are the feminist issues. Do you really want to live on handouts from a man, and not earn your own money? Do you want your children to see that women clean and serve and men earn?

Also huge numbers of housewives get depression and more get fat than working women too and loads may well like those baby years but they really regret th eloss of self status income career when their husbands are coming into their own career wise at their height in their 40s and 50s and menopausal woman has children left home and total emptiness in her life.

We need many more couples where it's your husband not sure whether to go back to work or not whilst it's assumed you will otherwise women will never get anywhere in the UK. Why are you at home and not him for example now and how did you as a couple decide you would take 5 months off rather than him?

Gatorade when I went back part time I envisaged it would be a temporary measure - for the same reasons as you have mentioned. I am indeed stuck at the level I am, although I do ask for and get some interesting small projects to work on.

I did expect that when DS2 was at school I would up my days and move back into management but DS3 was already well on the way by then. I have now reappraised home/work balance and decided I am quite happy with how things are.

It did keep my options open though, which I think is one of the most important things to do when you are making decisions like this at such an early stage parenthood.

OP

Go with your gut feeling...

This idea that a woman staying at home, supporting the family, running the home and family finances, and providing a caring role is some sort of pariah living off a man is actually incredibly insulting to a whole raft of women who do this.

Xenia, if all women followed your path and were back at work in high powered careeers etc, where would all the nannies and support services come from to enable them to do this...... who will be there to look after your ageing parents etc.