Recovering from BED/bulimia caused by restrictive eating

[Taq]

As the title really. This follows on from another thread in 90 days only, and hopefully it can be a nice, supportive thread where we can help each other out.

There is only one rule. Please DO NOT suggest or advise ANY kind of dieting, restrictive eating, or rules around food/what to eat/how to eat. That is what got me and many others into this mess!

I totally get that diet culture is so ingrained into our society that people might suggest things like intuitive eating or intermittent fasting etc thinking it might help. But it won’t, and if this is pointed out to you then please take it on board. There are many other threads where that will be welcome 🙂

Please feel free to share resources. Personally, I have found Brain over Binge totally revolutionary. I think because it closely mirrors my own story - I had a health condition that made me lose lots of weight. I felt amazing being so thin and had so many compliments. When I was better and began to climb back to my normal healthy weight (BMI 23 - I have never actually been clinically overweight which I think it important to note) I panicked and began my first diet - calorie counting.

I lost all the weight again calorie counting and I was under 8 stone. I was obsessive over it but the intense hunger made me binge one day. And so began the cycle of binging and purging. Like the author of BoB, I couldn’t make myself vomit, my purges were in the form of starving myself and exercising.

That is a very condensed history of a very long story. I am now in recovery and I have the book to thank as it was almost tailored to my exact situation. My binging wasn’t caused by psychological issues; it was simple biology of hunger, which then caused a habit which I carefully nurtured and ingrained over 3 years without realising.

Everyone’s story is different and not every approach will suit everyone. The philosophy of BoB worked for me but different people will need different methods.

I'm not naive enough to think that this is me cured forever. But I am now absolutely positive of two things:

1. I will NEVER diet again.
2. I am now a recovering bulimic.

Hope this thread ends up being a helpful and supportive place 🙂

I find joules dresses big, everything else small. I have a size 12 and age 11 polo
top, the age 11 is bigger. The sizes can be a bit all over the place.

Boden is lovely and they size big. They also have reviews on the site where others have given a guide of if they’re true to size if not.

Tonight I had tea, was full, then whilst faffing in the kitchen afterwards I ate 2 slices of toast and a two Kit Kats. And it wasn’t until after that I thought ‘wtf have I just done!?’

For me, this is just totally a habit. I have done really well at ignoring urges since BoB, but this wasn’t an urge, I just did it whilst I was clearing up without thinking!!

Really annoyed with myself but I suppose I just need to think of a way to address it.

Also, after the second Kit Kat when I realised what I was doing, I had absolutely no desire to eat anything else because I was so full and because I realised what I was doing. In the past, I probably would have gone on to have a bowl of cereal, a yogurt, another chocolate bar and probably a bag or 2 of crisps. So I suppose we have to be thankful for the little victories!

I've had a weekend which has been extraordinary for being so ordinary.
Yesterday, I had mushrooms & spinach on toast for breakfast, soup for lunch, met a friend & had coffee & cake with her and then went out for curry in the evening. I can't tell you how long it is since I had cake when I met up with a friend as that was always banned. This time, it didn't feel like a treat or naughty. It was just something which I knew would taste delicious and I was right and I was just a person enjoying a piece of cake like thousands of others probably did yesterday rather than someone destroying their diet, being bad or anything like that. Same with the curry. I had what I wanted rather than going for the healthiest option or worrying about having something in a creamy sauce.
Today, DH and the DC had a bacon sandwich and I could have joined them but I chose to have the same as yesterday as it had been so nice. This wasn't me being good, it was just, when I thought about the taste of it, I actually wanted the mushroom & spinach more. Previously, that decision would have been wrapped up in feelings of "good" and "bad" and, if I'd gone for the bad choice, would have led to thoughts of "well, I'll never be thin so there's no point in trying" which would have led to a binge. Lunch was tuna salad and a roll and dinner was cottage pie. I did then mindlessly eat a dozen or so midget gems just now. That was it though. It didn't lead to anything else. They were averagely tasty but not particularly so. Like @Taq I ate them without really thinking about it. It was simply that they were in front of me and the packet was open. That's something I need to work on not doing!

I find Joules sizing all other the place. I only discovered last summer that their jeans are really well suited to my body and now I'm worried that they'll stop doing such a good range. That was one of those shopping trips where I realised it was much better to wear a size larger and look good (well better) than squeeze myself into a smaller size, look dreadful and be really uncomfortable

Thank you for the help. The lady selling the swimsuit also has M&S ones in the same size, both worn so I am presuming that they both fitted her and are of a similar size. I have a M&S swimsuit which fits but it is low plunge and needs stitching up to make it less obscene, I'm going to take it to a seamstress. I'm hopeful that it will fit. Every review I've read has said its true to size and some even say its on the large size. As soon as it arrives, if it fits I'll order the one I really want at full price.

And also the Joules dresses I own were reviewed as being small, so I ordered my top end size (cheap on ebay) and they fit. A bit tight on the bust but not noticeable (not much stretch) but perfect everywhere else, it's always the bloody boobs as they're are oversize! So when I knew they fitted I ordered more expensive ones from the range.

@Taq that wasn’t a binge. A moment of indulgence and it stopped at that. Well done.

@raspberriesblueberries sounds like a great weekend.

I had a single glass of wine, often I’d drink the bottle and binge. I’ve been trying to fuel my body for running. That focus is helping me right now. I was really suffering with nausea for days after a long run. But felt fine this weekend so that’s great. Think not binging has helped with that. I haven’t binged in weeks now. I’m feeling good. Who knows if it will last but it’s good right now. I went to sleep last night thinking of French fancies (something I used to binge on 15 years ago and shouldn’t eat - coeliac) it was weird that they came to mind at all.

I obviously had a bad day yesterday, but thankfully I've woken up and do not feel the need to carry it over. So long as I am improving I'm reasonably happy. All I could think about yesterday was failed diets, dieting and my size but today I'm feeling a lot clearer headed and I feel strong enough to refute those voices.

It’s so hard isn’t it. Dieting caused my binge eating as I’ve said. I’m managing so far to not binge, which is unbelievable and amazing and I’m so pleased.

But the temptation to diet is so huge when I’m not happy with my size. I have been so obsessed over my weight for years now, and I feel big. I feel happy too that I’m not bingeing and I feel incredibly free to be able to just eat normal food, but I am just itching to get the scales out and see where I’m at. But that will lead to a diet, which will lead to a binge. I KNOW this!

I have to keep telling myself that every time I ignore these urges (whether to binge or to purge) they will get weaker. And they are. But oh my goodness it’s tough.

Im so glad that there are others here that I can talk to who will understand. No one in real life knows I have/had an eating disorder. My DH knows I’ve given up dieting but he never knew the extent of the bingeing.

So thank you for being here to talk to 💐

@BusterGonad glad you’re feeling better today 💐💐

@Taq everything you've said is so true, my husband doesn't know, he'd never understand, he's fit, active and doesn't really carry weight, he's not small by any means but he's strong. Food for him is fuel, he likes snack food etc but he knows his limits and it's natural for him to stop when full. In fact I've only one friend who I talk about it with but she's still in the diet mindset and I'm obviously desperately trying to move away from that. To be honest it must be hard for anyone to understand it as on paper it sounds really messed up! Yesterday was totally shit. Holiday clothes always sends me in a spin. I'm so much happier in autumn winter clothes. I look so much more put together in a jumper dress than a sodding summer 'expose everything' dress. 🙄

The scales of doom. I want to throw them out but I don't. They sit under my sink cupboard taunting me. They have so much power over me. It's ridiculous.

The scales. Aghh. The problem is they represent my clothes boundaries. I know roughly how much I need to weigh to stop getting in my jeans. So keeping an eye on it was meant to be an opportunity to “rein it in” before I had to resort to leggings. Problem is we all know where that leads. I have bought a few jeans and joggers in the next size up recently. But then I’m cross. Cross I have beautiful clothes already which I’m too big to eat and have spent money I didn’t need to spend replacing them.

I do know that mentally, I’m better if I don’t weigh.

I have been learning about water weight recently and that’s help. I didn’t realise that salty foods make you hang onto water and therefore weigh more - not an excuse to binge but actually just a normal thing that happens to most of us after a chinese takeaway. Not evidence of failings and colossal overnight weight gain.

The worry about not weighing is that what if it’s going up and up but practically, I know if I’m not binging that it should all even out and I’ll achieve my natural weight.

There’s so many cogs in this machine!

The worry about not weighing is that what if it’s going up and up but practically, I know if I’m not binging that it should all even out and I’ll achieve my natural weight.

This is it. I have such a skewed view of my own size that I can’t trust myself to realise how I really look. I’m terrified that I’ll be all ‘oh I can just eat normally and be fine’ and then discover that I’ve gained a stone a few weeks down the line.
I know as you say, that once I stop bingeing it should all even out. Eating normally served me well for the first 30 years of my life after all!

But it’s just so tough.

Just listening to a BoB podcast. For those recovered from binging but who could
do with loosing weight to be healthier BoB recommends Heather Robertson - Half Size Me. I’ve not listened but intend to.

Thanks I’ll have a look.
I’m struggling today because I feel really, really fat. I cannot get fat. I just can’t. I don’t care how shallow that sounds.
I think I need to restrict my binge foods and not have them in the house. Anything toasted with butter on it a massive weakness. I bought bread yesterday and I’ve just eaten over half the loaf as toast and butter. Because it’s nice and I couldn’t stop. This is bloody ridiculous.
I’m trying to not restrict but I really think I can’t have bread etc in the house. Not at first at least.

sigh.

@Taq im like that and can’t have forbidden fruits in the house. In some ways it helps I’m coeliac as the kids don’t notice this - I can’t eat their treats and as I’ve said I’m not tempted by things I know will make me physically ill.

But if im in the mindset to binge I’ll binge thinking about the stuff I shouldn’t be having.

You’re not fat. You feel fat - I’m not sure if that helps but there is a difference.

Obviously I don’t know your commitments but can you go for a walk? Does the bathroom need cleaning? Listen to a BoB podcast that resonates with you?

I think I will have to do the same. My main problem foods are anything with butter on - toast, bagels, crumpets. It’s ridiculous. However, it does mean that they’re not easily gettable I suppose - can’t just pick up a nice toasted bit of granary at the petrol station!

I was thinking I was doing the right thing not restricting, and having those things in the house again. But I think it’s too soon.

I'm so much like that too. Dates. I bought a big box of dates, I thought I'd have a few a day. They lasted about 3 days. Cashew nut butter is another one. I had a thing for these peanut brittle sweets. They were a one way road straight to obesity for me.

@TiredOldLady I’ve spent the last 4-5 years on a constant diet of calorie control (with increased bingeing) and before it all went tits up I was that insufferable person who talked about nothing but diets, was convinced I had THE answer for weight loss and that everyone should calorie count, and even talked many people into it. That’s what diet culture does though!! But there’s no shame here.

I have now absolutely quit dieting, and I will not go back. But it’s bloody hard.

Ive been doing great until todays binge. All I want is to get on the treadmill and run until I can’t stand. But I won’t. Tomorrow - no, NOW is another day. I just have to break this cycle.

I also need to work out a balance. I can also hoover up any form of bread with butter - and since doing a low carb/high fat diet years ago, will have a few scrapings of butter straight off the knife too! On the other hand, I've had a box of Lindor truffles, a toblerone and a few other things in the cupboards for weeks and haven't opened them. Once I do, it will destroy them within an hour or two. I just don't seem to have the ability to have one or two and then ignore them again.

As I said, Mondays are usually a binge night. I intentionally ate more for both breakfast & lunch but was still ravenous and the way home and just wanting to eat anything containing saturated fat. I had a very small bowl of pasta with grated cheese, a chocolate digestive and then an apple and managed to stop there. I think it managed to hit the comfort food & sweetness boxes in a controlled fashion.

I'm also struggling a bit with restriction, as I just found out i have high bp. I'm looking at what foods to eat/not eat for health and wondering how I can do this without triggering a diet.

Will look at what a pp suggested - thanks 😊

Another balance I need to find is between not restricting and mindless eating. DS tried a dark chocolate digestive, didn't like it and left it on a plate on the table. I ate it. DD has a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and left the packet on the side. Whilst putting it away, I had two handfuls.
Neither of those were a binge and, I can eat whatever I like whenever I like, they're most definitely allowed. But I don't want to go up another size.

The 'half size me' channel that was mentioned by a pp looks very much like a standard weight loss channel. I've skimmed through some of the videos but I haven't delved deeply.

The Binge Eating Therapist did a video on Restraint (as opposed to restriction) - might be worth a watch.

I think there’s a stage (which can be repeated over years according to mood/state of mind!) when we stop restricting but that then becomes ‘eating whenever we get the opportunity’ because we are ‘allowed’.

Personally, gradually I got better at recognising that there is no point in eating food that isn’t either something I really want or something my body needs. ie if I’m not actually going to enjoy it and it isn’t serving any nutritional purpose, what is the point? I find I eat like this at times of low mood and days/periods where, frankly, I’m not taking particularly good care of myself generally, for whatever reason.