Recovering from BED/bulimia caused by restrictive eating

[Taq]

As the title really. This follows on from another thread in 90 days only, and hopefully it can be a nice, supportive thread where we can help each other out.

There is only one rule. Please DO NOT suggest or advise ANY kind of dieting, restrictive eating, or rules around food/what to eat/how to eat. That is what got me and many others into this mess!

I totally get that diet culture is so ingrained into our society that people might suggest things like intuitive eating or intermittent fasting etc thinking it might help. But it won’t, and if this is pointed out to you then please take it on board. There are many other threads where that will be welcome 🙂

Please feel free to share resources. Personally, I have found Brain over Binge totally revolutionary. I think because it closely mirrors my own story - I had a health condition that made me lose lots of weight. I felt amazing being so thin and had so many compliments. When I was better and began to climb back to my normal healthy weight (BMI 23 - I have never actually been clinically overweight which I think it important to note) I panicked and began my first diet - calorie counting.

I lost all the weight again calorie counting and I was under 8 stone. I was obsessive over it but the intense hunger made me binge one day. And so began the cycle of binging and purging. Like the author of BoB, I couldn’t make myself vomit, my purges were in the form of starving myself and exercising.

That is a very condensed history of a very long story. I am now in recovery and I have the book to thank as it was almost tailored to my exact situation. My binging wasn’t caused by psychological issues; it was simple biology of hunger, which then caused a habit which I carefully nurtured and ingrained over 3 years without realising.

Everyone’s story is different and not every approach will suit everyone. The philosophy of BoB worked for me but different people will need different methods.

I'm not naive enough to think that this is me cured forever. But I am now absolutely positive of two things:

1. I will NEVER diet again.
2. I am now a recovering bulimic.

Hope this thread ends up being a helpful and supportive place 🙂

Better. Thank you. I feel like I’ve set myself back (mentally) in allowing myself the chocolate. I thought I was being careful and considered. Still. I haven’t given into the “urge” but it’s much stronger than it has been.

Thanks for asking xxx

I went out drinking with friends last night. I wore a dress, I felt okay, but everytime I went to the toilet I was critical of my body. I felt like I looked like a rectangle on skinny legs. I'm literally all boobs and tummy at the moment. My friend complemented me on my legs and I couldn't just accept it graciously, I had to say, oh you should have seen me a few years ago. I looked so much better. Urgh. Why. Maybe I am bigger because of the menopause, and it actually isn't my fault? Maybe I should just stop blaming myself.

Glad you are ok. This week, maybe try allowing yourself some chocolate when you want it, rather than seeing it as a reward for avoiding it for a period…? Aiming to make it less high value and see it as just another food, no better or worse than any other. Treat it as an experiment? Have a couple of pieces - put the rest of the bar in the fridge/cupboard and then consider if you want more-eat as much as you want (putting it away helps you pause and think whether you want more, rather than eating all of it on autopilot)-it’s fine if you do eat it all!

Thank you. I’m just not a stage in my recovery where I can have that food in the house - not least open it and not eat the whole lot. I ate a 300g bar - that’s enormous! Better IMO I just don’t have it. If I ate it out it would be portion controlled but in the house it’s “free flow” and that presents a different set of issues to me.

I ate a 200g chocolate bar the other day. I enjoyed the first half and ate the second because it was there, and also if I left it then my family would know I ate the other half. I felt vile after. It was a really sickly sweet one too. I try not to buy chocolate as I've got such a weekness for it. I get in a destructive mode of eating it then replacing it so no one knows. The same bar can be bought, eaten and replaced so many times. If I want chocolate now ill go out and buy it.

Yes I enjoyed maybe a third. I just can’t stand the feeling after. I will buy a bar from the canteen at work etc but at home it feels a step too far. My husband bought this bar for me.

@BusterGonad why would you not want your family to know you’d eaten half a bar of chocolate?

I’m the same.

Because eating that amount on my own is shameful, I'm a secret eater, to me it's embarrassing. I feel like I should be eating healthy food and by eating the chocolate I deserve to be unhappy and fat. I know. Its crazy thinking. I can't help it. I wish I wasn't like this. I will eat chocolate at home with the family but eating at home in the day seems wrong somehow. It doesn't make any sense. It really doesn't.

There’s a lot to unpack there…where is the idea about what you should be eating in the daytime come from? Have any of your family said anything to make you think they are judging what you eat?

Hi all.
Just thought I’d post an update. I’ve been a) busy, and b) struggling. I have had a serious temptation to diet to get rid of this excess binge weight before I start not bingeing. Which I know makes no sense and won’t work! Even thinking about starting a diet makes me want to binge.

I have mainly been struggling because I couldn’t find the right answer. Restricting doesn’t work, but completely free access to all foods all the time doesn’t either. It’s too much like bingeing.

I have resisted the temptation, and instead I read BoB again. I took SO much more in from a second reading. The main part to jump out and which has stuck in my head was the idea that you only binge to cope with the urge to binge.
Bingeing doesn’t help with anything else. It doesn’t make you less stressed, happier etc. It ONLY switches off (temporarily) that immense urge to stuff food in your mouth.

You binge, to cope with the urge to binge. That’s it. I have such strong urges because I have acted on them, many times.
The only way to reverse this is to not act on it, many times.

For the past few days, every time I have been tempted to binge, I have just said to myself ‘all it will do it cope with the URGE to binge and delay recovery. It won’t do anything else.’

So far so good. 6 days binge free. I’m trying not to look in the mirror or think about my weight. Not dieting is actually the toughest bit at the moment. But we all know what that will lead to!

I hope everyone is having a positive day today.

I disagree, eating disorders are all about secrecy and hiding what you eat as its shameful. To go from being someone very controlled over eating then becoming this thing that can't control herself around sweets and chocolate is not what I want anyone to know about. No one has dictated to me except myself. When I'm alone and eating crap I hide all the evidence. It's always been that when when I'm stuck in my binge cycles.

I mean I disagree about being a lot to unpack, as I thought most eating disorders were about eating in private and hiding the evidence.

Yes @BusterGonad I agree.

Me too. I empty the bin or hide the wrappers under other stuff. I think that sort of behaviour (or atleast the sentiment behind it) is typical of ED.

Sorry I don’t mean to question the hiding aspect itself, of course that is characteristic, particularly in relation to binges …but specifically I mean the idea that you said you wouldn’t want them to know you ate half a bar of chocolate alone during the day (and therefore it’s better to finish the whole bar, even if you don’t actually want it, rather than leave some as evidence)? Leaving what you don’t want surely is the opposite of someone who is out of control around certain food? Questioning our own ideas/assumptions can sometimes help find a different viewpoint and in this case that may also enable less restriction around food? It certainly doesn’t sound like your family are actually judging you.

Because going out and buying a 200g bar of chocolate and then eating 100g of it is imo behaviour that I shouldn't be doing and would never have done a few years ago. When I ate properly I'd occasionally buy a pack of Cadburys giant chocolate buttons, but it was so infrequent that I wasn't ashamed of it but now I tend to eat slovenly quite often and it's absolutely embarrassing as I do not want to be, or be known as that person. Leaving behind the 100g is basically letting every know I went out purposely to consume a huge amount of chocolate and eat it on my own.

Hi all

Thanks for this thread Taq. I read the one this inspired and have been on others similar. I came on to start one and found this, it's exactly what I need so if it's okay to join I would love to.

I stopped drinking alcohol nearly 3 years ago after a difficult relationship with it for many years and the alcohol free thread on here was my lifesaver.

I have had a difficult relationship with food, weight, body image, dieting, eating disorders of various kinds for a lot longer than alcohol. And i finally admitted I had BED a few years ago and have been doing a lot of work on it. Brain over Binge was quite powerful for me.

I don't have time to say too much right now about what has helped and where i still nerd to work on but would like to join and chat with like minded people and find a safe place to be accountable at my tricky points.

@Breathmiller welcome 😊

How is everyone? I’ve been binge free since my last post where I felt bad for a binge that wasn’t a binge..!

I feel I’m restricting for fear of just binging but I am adding in more foods and allowing myself more than the bear minimum and just eating if I’m hungry. I’m trying to eat well as sugar or alcohol I’ve realised just triggers a binge and I’m not sure how to break that cycle.

Hope you’re all ok.

Sorry I've been a bit quiet, I've started my HRT meds and I've been feeling a off the past week or 2, I'm finally feeling less sick and more 'normal'. Unrelated but slightly related (🤣)?my swimwear arrived, one swimsuit and a bikini, the Joules swimsuit was too small in the bust but great everywhere else, the Curvy Kate (bra size) bikini fitted really well and it's really given me a boost to know I can look okay in one. I've ordered the swimsuit version of it too so I can pick and chose depending on how confident I feel. It's nice to have some of the holiday anxiety over swimwear go down a little. After trying on the bikini and feeling good I then went on to clearing out my wardrobe, baging up clothes that don't quite fit and storing them away, then bagging up clothes that won't ever fit or look good, I'm going to give them away. It's made me feel very positive. I'm hoping that feeling good will also help me to not feel the urge to binge. 🤞My mindset is good today at least.