Morning all, I hope you are all well, and today will be a good day.
I thought I would give you some of my story.
I 1st suffered with an eating disorder at the age of 13. For me, that is always food restriction but can be accompanied by laxative abuse and/or excessive exercise. I remember that 1st time, it was a teacher who wanted to get me some help as there was no support or understanding whatsoever at home. I became quite poorly, but I dont think I saw any Drs. I have trouble remembering any of my childhood.
Between 14 and 18, I dabbled in recreational drugs, which eventually led to heroin addiction, which by 19 I was in deep. At 20, I became pregnant with my eldest and battled hard to not use during the pregnancy, and I did reduce heavily, but her Dad was still using in front of me every day so this made it incredibly hard. After her birth, I was straight back into using it, which got way worse, as well as heroin I started using crack cocaine. I eventually ended up in prison for 6 months. As I had no family, my daughter had to go into care while I served my sentence. On release, I left my hometown to start again and was reunited with her and given a 2nd chance at being a proper mum. Her Dad was also in prison at this time, but on his release, he joined the two of us, and that reunion led to relapse, and I was again using heroin. I again found out I was pregnant and again tried to get myself clean and went to drug services who put me on a methodone prescription, and I stopped using. When my 2nd was about 2, I was managing not to use drugs, but the eating disorder snuck back in. I became very poorly and eventually ended up in a rehabilitation centre for 9 months.
For a good few years after leaving there, I managed to stay well free from drugs and anorexia for a couple of years. Although I would always go on an extremely strict diet every year from about August to drop a couple of stone so I could allow myself to enjoy some Xmas food. The eldest twos father did not come back on the scene, so I struggled with no support.
That's when I met my youngest twos Dad, and 3 months after meeting him, I again relapsed and was again using heroin. 6 months after meeting him, I was pregnant and determined not to let history repeat with this child and again sought help through drug services and have been on a heroin substitute for the past 11 years. I also, in that time, had another child.
Six years ago, I had to go into a womens refuge as the youngest twos Dad was abusive, and it was the best thing I could have done. After 16 months, I finally left refuge to move into my house, which I still call home. Apart from some times of being in a deep depression I feel I've been doing ok. The depression did lead me into being taken on by the community mental health team, which is how I was led into the compassion focused therapy group after 2 years of individual therapy, having not helped.
January 2022 I decided it was time to become a little healthier as had been eating a lot of crap and put on a lot of weight and this desire to be healthier has somehow lead to where I am now. I've gone from one extreme to the other, which is me all over! Everything is all or nothing in my life. I can't seem to do anything with balance. I am an obsessive person with anything I do. Even with things like decorating and shopping! Anything to keep me busy, but I go all out!
But yeah, I have ended up restricting more and more of what I eat, and this eating disorder has got a grip on me once again, and I have lost a lot of weight where I know I am in trouble. However, reading through this thread over the last month or so has made me realise I have never actually had a healthy relationship with food and have had disordered eating my whole life! I just never knew. I thought how ate was normal, but as I've spent most of my life very isolated, I wouldn't know what was or wasn't normal.
And there you go, that's the short version (it really is) of my background. Sorry, I know I have basically just spewed my guts on here. Spending all my time on my own I dont get to talk to anyone in real life so thank you for giving me this space to write it all down x