Adult eating disorders support

[thesootherfairy]

Hi
Was inspired by the teen thread. Looks really supportive and was wondering if anyone else would like an adult support thread?

I'm 47. Have young pre-teen DC, a DH and a family cat. I work full time self employed. But I've had anorexia since I was 12. Had no help (not well known about back then so no help offered). Recently been diagnosed with anorexia.

Now face a 2 year wait for treatment.

And you?

Hellotheresweet exactly the same in terms of planning everything has to be worked out to the nth degree. I am very structured too in what I eat but tiny tiny portions always the the same stuff. I've been trying to break the mould this week but have woken up today and the thoughts are back. There is a couple of on line exercise classes I want to do today, the doc said yesterday I shouldn't be exercising ( I walk an hour and 40 minutes on dog walks a day) but I'm desperate to just get moving to try improve my mood.

Problem is I am beyond exhausted, sleep has evaded me this last week but there is something inside pushing me to do it

@Hellotheresweet I control what I own, sort of a minimalist. It has been extreme before, less than 100 things, including underwear. Not as bad as that now. I'm also a sort of prepper in the lead up to Brexit, nothing under the bed but the kitchen cupboards and freezer are full.

Interesting to read i am not alone re the overriding commitment to structure and planning.

How is everyone socially? Pre anorexia (or at least pre it becoming serious) I absolutely adored socialising.

Now, hmmm. I love it if it fits entirely my terms ie doesn’t intrude with my eating plan and at a time that works perfectly for me. Otherwise I will decline. Also - For a short amount of time. I am happy and enjoy for an hour or so, enough time for a coffee for example, but then I’m itching to leave and go off on my own and carry on with my plan For the day.

Makes me sad to think how sociable I used to be. Now, I’m very insular and feel happiest when I’m at home.

Any one else relate?

Also... I get a little paranoid people aren’t thinking “she used to be so attractive and now she looks so gaunt”

Too tired to keep name changing and lying about this.

I developed anorexia when I was 19 after the death of my brother. It felt life-saving to have control over my weight finally (I was a chubby child, broad shouldered and muscular as a teen - never small and slender), so losing my appetite through grief was empowering, despite my mental health spiralling out of control. I dropped 4 stone - probably exacerbated by my GP putting me on 40mg of fluoxetine for my depression.

It swung then to bulimia and binge eating, and now, at 48, its haunted me all my life. I have abused diet pills - bought reductil online for years after it was banned. The last batch was clearly fakes and I was at one point in fear of inducing a stroke as a result. I threw them and articles about these stimulants 'cooking' your organs have forced me to stop.

One of my college friends - also bulimic - died of a sudden heart attack over the first lockdown. That scares me terribly. I'm also sure that My 10 year old DD was starting to suspect why I was vanishing after every meal so I've forced myself to stop purging now. It's so, so hard, but I can't poison my DD's childhood with this. I've also lost a lot of teeth, my skin is of an old woman's and my hair is thin and I lose it in clumps.

I'm still looking for pills to stop my appetite and cravings. I've tried most things on the legal market and just last month, I bought orlistat online and even soiling myself on numerous occasions hasn't made me stop. A month of taking these has done nothing for my weight however (carb heavy binging) so I'm back in the prowl for drugs to help me.

It's all very desperate. I just want to be small and insignificant and I want the attention that weight loss brings, yet I'm the most unvain person you'd think of. I can't exercise - bulging discs in back makes everything painful - so my weight gain (and age) is horrible. I'd buy speed or cocaine if a) I knew where to buy it and b) wouldn't get caught.

I wish I could stop and be happy. Food is my comfort and solace, yet it's my mortal enemy.

I'm so sorry for everyone here. It's not a great existence.

@LittleEsme I was also a wide framed and tall child. Felt huge and unfeminine. It all started with a simple diet age 12. Then turned into anorexia/EDNOS, as was technically "normal" BMI. Then BED and to bulimia, aged 22. I was even a day patient at the hospital for a few months. And here we still are.

I've been bulimic since the birth of my first son, so going on 16 years. I'm a fraud coming on a thread like this as I don't see any recovery, didn't even know it was considered a mental illness until quite recently. It's just something I do. I did feel it was ruining my life when I was at my thinnest probably about 10 years ago but I'm a normal weight now.
I went through a phase of being terrified of heart attacks- unfortunately this led to anxiety where my attacks would 'mimic' heart attacks :(

So many of us.
Welcome to you all.
I have some theories as to why those who have had therapy have found it either unsuccessful or unsustained.

I need to go and pick up Dd Xmas present so be back later when I have more time.

Welcome @goldielockdown2 @LittleEsme @Hellotheresweet @paranoiamumma @DuckingMel

Sorry to hear also find yourselves here.

Whilst I'm sad we are all suffering. I'm also glad to have "met" you all. I actually thought it was just me.

What troubles me is the lack of help available for us all.

It is like no one is even bothered (nhs obvs).

Having suffered from anorexia for more than 30 year I now have quite a bit of insight. If I actually had some help now, I stand a chance of recovery. A 2 year wait probably means I'll get back to where the anorexia decides I don't need any help.

It's really shocking that there is such a lack of treatment available.

I've read up on possible types of therapy. A lot of it strikes me as not really being helpful or actually missing the point entirely.

CBT for instance. All about giving you tools to change your behaviour.
Erm right. That's half a job. At best!

If you don't get to the reason for the ED, as in why it exists, then there is no point in all the tools and behaviour change.

You'll end up relapsing. And you'll actually not feel better. Your weight might be better and you'll eat more and everyone will think problem solved but actually you'll still feel exactly the same as with the ED.

What is needed is to get to the emotional need that it serves. Ie what is it that the ED is covering up.

I know exactly what it helps me with and what it conceals. I just have no treatment to help me move forward.
And I'm worried that whatever treatment is available will just fob me off with pointless "tools" and information on how to eat more. That won't be helpful.

Thank you for the welcome @thesootherfairy and sorry my first post was a bit of a ramble. I've never, ever spoken about this illness before either in real life or online.

@goldielockdown2 hugs for you.

Same. Only the Ed assessment lady. That's it and here.

On those Ed questionnaires I did score max points so where I am is still about weight as that helps to distract from the thing I want the ED to hide from me so I can't feel or and I don't have to think about it.

As you can all tell I'm annoyed and a bit ranty.

For me ED is about wanting to be more feminine and attractive. I was always the gooseberry growing up, but, with hard work, matured into a sort of swan. It's so hard to maintain it, but I don't want to be the ugly and "spare" one any more.

All tools and analysis go nowhere, as my experience tells me that:

• yes, I am less attractive when bigger
• yes, I will feel uncomfortable
• yes, I will be of less consequence...

@thesootherfairy I just completely agree with all you say. I know all the CVT tools I can use to change catastrophising thoughts / compulsive behaviour. I know exactly what a balanced diet looks like (I’ve grown as fed three children!). I understand the unhealthy consequences of certain behaviours. I have two degrees, a family and a pretty “big” job. I know all this!!

The issue is (and this is being very honest) I get something from letting the ED back in... I get a feeling of control in these stressful times. I get to have this one success as a thing just for me, when the rest of my life is constantly giving. I’m at the stage where I’ve lost loads of weight (3.5 stone) but still hovering around a just normal / only just underweight bmi, so I get compliments;which I’m ashamed to say I like). If I’m knackered and down I tell myself it’s the ED, not anything else that might need addressing.....

To unpick all of that is much more time consuming than 12 weeks of CBT of whatever they offer these days!!

As you say (I think) @DuckingMel, as adults unfortunately experience doesn’t prove that we’re all just as happy bigger / eating whatever / without this. So giving up now feels like a sacrifice, even though we know there are gains (not weight, I mean gains like being free and being social etc) to be had...

CVT = CBT (sorry!)

I think for me it's biological, a genetic adaptation triggered by initial weight loss.

I lost weight as a teen because I was a gender non conforming child and I didn't like looking like a woman. I still don't. After the initial weight loss it felt instinctual though.

@legallyblond are you me?
Ditto two degrees, "big" job 2 DC

And I don't need sodding "tools"
I know what a balanced meal is etc.

I need the underlying cause, the reason the ED exists and is still here to be addressed. And it's not as simple as just telling someone what that is.

I need someone to unpick how that is interwoven into the ED or I'll be trapped forever.

From
What I have seen of the Ed service which is precious fucking little (4 appointments included an assessment), it's the ED service who are clueless.

They've no idea at all. They think telling you to eat more and things like "let's try experimenting with upping food intake and weight gain to prove to you it's not linear" what the actual fuck. How is that going to help me?!!
I'm not as thick as two short planks and I probably know more about food intake vs weight gain/loss that they ever will.

What to do. I don't even think private treatment would be any better.

I think those who invent supposed treatment don't actually understand the illness.

I think they only understand the illness as it very first presents in 12 to 13 year olds.

I don't think they have the faintest idea about grown ups.

I, too, feel very patronised by NHS therapy (this seems to be a club for the academic overachievers - I too have a collection of degrees), but am starting NHS psychodynamic therapy in January, so will save my ultimate judgement until then...

@thesootherfairy I totally get the frustration with services and wait times. There's a lot of articles and information out there about the disparity between adult and young people's services. It is also apparent that there is a real postcode lottery with services, none of which is fair when you are desperate for help.

That said, I would be wary of dismissing the treatment options services propose. They are different for adults vs teens. If you read some of the self help guides, a lot of it seems very obvious, but when the ED is so entrenched it can be difficult to implement what it asks of you.

I go through phases of really hating myself because I cannot do the very basic thing of feeding myself properly. Similar to you, I'm well educated, a professional and have significant responsibility within my job. None of that reconciles with my absolute inability to eat properly. There was a point in time when I was really dismissive of 'tools' because I thought I should be able.to do without them. I'm now at a point where I can accept that I probably do need those things - even if it seems stupid or if I feel ashamed about it - because my way isn't working.

At this point I should say that I also have bipolar and GAD, which probably means that I get treatment more readily, so don't take me as a yardstick, IYSWIM.

@Rustnot
Yes. However I won't have any use for any of these "tools" until they offer help that goes to the reason the Ed exists in the first place. The rest is pointless windows dressing that won't last five minutes beyond discharge.

@DuckingMel
Exactly. Assessment lady really talked down to me. I thought she was really rude and unfortunately she has announced that she'll be delivering my therapy 😣

Ugh. Can you switch to a different therapist? I'm led to believe that a huge part of the success of therapy lies in the therapeutic relationship. You need to feel safe with her and it sounds like you don't.

So it's not just me then ! What a relief !

@Scales2020

Ugh. Can you switch to a different therapist? I'm led to believe that a huge part of the success of therapy lies in the therapeutic relationship. You need to feel safe with her and it sounds like you don't.

This

[quote thesootherfairy]@Rustnot
Yes. However I won't have any use for any of these "tools" until they offer help that goes to the reason the Ed exists in the first place. The rest is pointless windows dressing that won't last five minutes beyond discharge.

@DuckingMel
Exactly. Assessment lady really talked down to me. I thought she was really rude and unfortunately she has announced that she'll be delivering my therapy 😣[/quote]
What you want is therapy OP
The NHS offer treatment

In my 12 weeks they touch on the history but the focus is treatment.

Yes, it’s not necessarily hugely relevant to us women who know what we need to do.
I did make some changes though that last to today (introducing a proper evening meal, every night for example). Ok I haven’t put on any weight, and actually lost some weirdly, but it is not completely without its merits.

However you seem very keen to delve deep in to the roots, in which case - you should know your ED treatment is not going to do this. You need a counsellor. And likely have to pay privately

I'm so very wary of therapy. I went to see someone at the beginning of the year privately in yet another attempt to beat this. Granted she wasn't a specialist. Put me on food diaries to write daily which absolutely did my head in. I was still heavier than I am now but was still underweight but got that comment "you not that underweight" which really upset me.

I know that often there is a route cause or trigger that led us all down this horrible path but for me thankfully there is nothing specific at all. It makes it difficult as they want to pin point exactly when it started and almost want to say well because of this instance that's why you are how you are. I my case nope nothing.

Feel like such an idiot I found the scales that dh hid thought I would do a spot check and I've managed to put on 4lbs in a week ffs! How is that even possible. I want to restrict all over again, but terrified of the repeat blood tests this week. I guess I also fear the your are not that thin comment again xx