Binge Eating Disorder Support 3

[FightingBed2014]

Welcome, this thread is for those that have disordered eating / Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and need support. We are all working towards a better relationship with food, together. Everyone is welcome to join in and share as much or as little as you like. Our focus is on learning to be happy with who we are right now and moving away from our negative self image, thoughts and eating patterns one step at a time.

Previous threads can be found here:

Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014

My blog following recovery from BED can be read here:Fighting BED

Many of us are following Dr Fairburn's Overcoming Binge Eating Second Edition book Here This is also used by a lot of Eating Disorder services in their treatment programmes.

Although we have no rules, we would ask that people either avoid talking about or be mindful when it is necessary that the following can be a trigger for those with an eating disorder; asking advice on how to start a new diet, talking about specific weight and clothes sizes. Please also remember that those supporting you need support too.

This thread was started by a BED sufferer and the majority of contributors are Eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real life support and advice from professionals

Maggie - was the trigger for your dip DP being away or was there something else? It's great that you are seeking RL help .

Wow, long silence and then all these messages to go through!
Sleep, I guess I have to be off sugar and gluten until I have a baby or give up trying. And I think 90% reduction would do, not aiming at 100%. But like all BED sufferers sometimes it is easier to be 100% than moderate. Gluten is bad because of immune issues and sugar because you need really low blood sugar levels sometimes to maintain a pregnancy, if you have reproductive immunology issues. In addition, all this is rather empirical research, not so clear it hepls at all, but it has helped other people with similar mc patterns.

In addition I seem to struggle with everyhting nowadays - going to work is an effort, going out to run is an effort, even for a walk is an effort, everythig. Only cooking and eating seems interesting. Weird, I would not call it depression, but something rioting against day to day grinding of the life.

Where does it come form, I really can not say. Some of the drugs I was on while pg can have withdrawal effects, it may be this. But I have a feeling it is something worse, although I can not pinpoint it. I am not unhappy, in fact perfectly content to lie on mu sofa after work and not forcing myself to go running or walking if I do not feel like it, but just finding it hard to not feel a failure for being the coach potato. But I can not always be on the move to avoid earing all the itme, can I? It is like I can not be home ans sit still without eating. Evenreading which is my favourite pastime isnot keeping my head out of the fridge! Its sunshine here, am I allowed to sit in without feeling guilty? I should be able to, but am not.....

Ok Jass, I think that the 10% leeway is good - because it does introduce the genuine possibility of choice and also means that when you make the choice to have cake/whatever, you shouldn't beat yourself up or think that all is ruined . Much like the approach we should probably take with eating healthily generally I think. Your instinctive feeling is that 100% is better is a hangover from diet mentality I think, but if you put your head into 'non restrict'/recovery mode, then it is the opposite!

With regard to the tiredness, if you were my client I think right now I'd be asking you to write down a detailed description of your dream life - where all your desires have come true...what would it look like and involve, what would you be getting from it? It can be a good way to refocus on life in general. Also two lists - what things (people, activities, places) make you feel energised and which are 'energy vampires'? Are you sleeping well? What about diet generally?

Don't feel bad about taking time out to rest - you've been through a lot lately, you also need to be kind to yourself - do you think maybe you've shelved the emotions after your mc in a similar way to Fighting with the bereavement? If you can bear it, force yourself to sit on the sofa in peace, no food or books and feel what comes up for you - write it down if you can. It will likely be hard but could be very revealing....

How's it going for everyone?

I am taking it slow but since I realised what was wrong, I haven't been using food as much.x

Hi Fighting, I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't had to deal with grief in any major way yet, but I can imagine that finding comfort in any way possible is only natural.

I haven't over eaten today or yesterday, but mainly because I'm still dealing with the after effects of my last binge. I won't go into detail but it's been particularly severe / painful this time round. If only I could remember this horrible feeling and use that as an incentive not to do it again...

Hope everyone's well?

And Fighting, I thought of you when I read this article - we're not the only ones!

Hi Maggie, thank you so much for the article, who knew there are more of us out there. Fils me with a little hope.

Thank you for the lovely words about the passing relative. I didn't word it right but the loss was from DH side and I didn't know them well. So although it was a sad time for us all, I burried my emotions because I didn't feel I could talk about me when everyone had just lost a very special person close to them.

How are you feeling today?x

Sorry that sounds like a daft question after saying yoir so uncomfortable, I meant emotionally.

I wish I had the answer for you. It's one that you are working on though. You're learning to looking after yourself again, that's something to be proud of.x

Sleep, you are probably right that 90% is better. I guess overall I am still 90%, if I have really binged on sugar badly for last two days. Followed by wine. It gives me abdominal pain now to eat sugary things, so I do not even want more and am probably OK tomorrow without sugar agaiin. Lets see, am not getting angry or disppointed eith myself. And you are also right that diet mentality is hunting me, and with this partial restriction of specific food groups it immidiately resurfsces. What to do? I need to be off sugar and gluten, but I also need to fight my BED. How to reconcile these two, have no idea at the moment.

Sitting quietly I know what comes to my head. The ultrasound of my baby when it had lost heartbeat comes immidiatelt into my mind. I can not sit still right now, even if it is getting better now as I can restart trying for a new pg. And I feel like far worst things happen to people re children and i can not really complain. I have 4 and my loss was first tri, so should be able to get over it. A bit like you day Fighting that DH has his relatives have the right to grieve and not you so much. I feel as well that ppl have II and III tri losses, they can grieve, not me.

Tomorrow must be better day. three meals.... Try to get back to that....

Jass you can grieve the loss of your baby just as much as someone who lost theirs at a later stage , there are no rules about which is more painful and sad and your feelings are what they are, no right or wrong about it - don't try and minimise them, they will surface somehow, sometime, acknowledge them

Am trying of course, but am really bad at it:-)

jassS, I thought a lot about you after your post. Sleep is so right. From the second we find out, we are mothers and they our children. You have every right to grieve your loss.
My thoughts are with you.x

Less grieving today, and no eating, as have amassive toothace. Or nerve pain whixh seems like teeth. Only got a dentist's appointment for next Thu, so may have to take painkillers for a week! Luckily it is not as bad a syesterday evening today. My body seems to want to send me s tired message, I fear. Sitting on sofa doing nothing, but since it hurts to eat then not eating at least. Rubbish. Three free days off work this eeekend and feel like it will be wasted unless i start feeling more into things soon.

No pain today,mit stopped in the evening, and as I was starving by then, yes guess what then happened. But i did not eat mindlessly until uncomfortably full. Problem is, two-three hours of snacking is not binge, but good amount of food nevertheless, part of which I certainly did not need.

Thought about your experiences of food diaries and downloaded an app to try this as well. logged breakfast and also logged skipping snack, as went running and was still full from breakfast. Lets see whether this thing helps or starts to feel like a pest. It does not calorie count or anything, just wants me to log it. Is ready to do some graphoc representation of what i ate, but I have not yet used it enough to see what that means. Also does periodic eating disorders wuestionnaires, and I score hugely on these as having a disorder....

Jass try and remember to always sit and focus whenever you eat-so don't try not to snack but when you do it, sit down and properly eat, give it your full attention. Also I'd think about applying some curiosity about how much enjoyment you are getting from whatever you eat - the first bite is always the best in this respect . Try and make sure the last bite is as good. If the food becomes less and less enjoyable with each bite, each one becomes less 'worth it' - where then is a good place to just stop eating for you?

Glad to hear the pain went away jassS. The inability to eat would have meant anyone would then have a large amount afterwards, even without an eating disorder. It sounds as though you had a presence while you ate, which is good.

The app has been a good source for others, I hope you find it a help too. The more resources we have, the better.x

Hello everyone. I just wanted to say that I downloaded the Fairburn book to my Kindle yesterday and I can recognise myself in so much of that book.

I have had disordered eating since my early teens, I think. I stick to a diet and lose weight successfully for a few weeks at a time but then for whatever reason the spell breaks and I am right back to eating anything and everything, in binges of varying sizes. And eating ridiculous foods! Choosing things that are extra fattening or huge portions! It is almost like I am deliberately trying to sabotage the weight I lost, to get me back to square one as soon as possible.

So at the moment I am slightly over a healthy BMI. I lost 8kg at the beginning of the year but in March I stopped doing that diet and now I am right back where I was in January. I am the classic yo-yo dieter, I suppose. I do seem to have BED according to the descriptions in the book. I do binge and it is on a background of generally overeating, with a few episodes every year of 'successfully' dieting and losing weight. In this way I usually manage to stay around or slightly over a healthy BMI.

I have read some of the first thread and I am working my way through the second thread now. I just wanted to say that I am very inspired by reading some of the stories on here and it is lovely to find that my disordered relationship with food is not unique. Obviously I would prefer that nobody else in the world has to put up with what I do regarding food but it is reassuring that perhaps it doesn't have to be this way forever.

I don't want to talk to anyone IRL about my eating. I would be very embarrassed and defensive if anyone raised it. My husband obviously knows some of what I do but I would just die if he labelled it.

Welcome IMust, I'm glad you have joined us. It's great that the previous threads have been a good source of help for you. Dr Fairburn's book has made such a difference to so many of us, I hope the programme does the same for you.

We all understand the disordered eating and yoyo dieting cycle here. You will gets lots of support and encouragement. It is understandable that you don't wish to speak about it in RL, we seldom do at the start for all the obvious reasons. Some of us are further along the journey and have felt ready to take that step, myself included. I can honestly say it wasn't as scary as I imagined and I gradually opened up to more people.

The great thing about being here and working on the steps is, we learn that there are no deadlines, no pressure, we can go at our own pace. You have already made great steps to break the cycle and change how you feel, remember to celebrate those things you are doing for yourself and be proud of your strength. Take it slowly and a day at a time.

Thanks for the welcome.

I was thinking last night about something I once read in some diet book or other. It was talking about what to do if you have a bad day and fall off the wagon. The analogy was about if you drop your iphone, you don't go 'oh well' and stamp on it until it is in a million pieces. Unfortunately that is EXACTLY what I do when I fall off the wagon on a diet!

I am trying to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time. I am on step one of the Fairburn book and I have been monitoring my food intake for two days so far. No binges as such but the weekend is not my danger time as I am with my family all the time. I always binge in secret so there is rarely an opportunity at the weekend.

To add to what somebody (sorry I forget who) was saying on the previous thread, I would also be terrified to go to the GP about this in case they say that I clearly don't have an eating disorder. Aside from anything else, I am a pretty normal weight (slightly over with a BMI of 26 but I carry it really well!) and I know that doesn't preclude anything in reality but I feel like it does.

I may get myself some private counselling or CBT, depending on how the Fairburn process goes. I was baulking at the cost but surely this is something definitely worth spending money on?!

Just reading that back - I wasn't clear. I don't smash my phone up if I eat the wrong thing! But I do continuing eating crap until the diet is smashed into a million bits!

I actually can't remember when I started binging. I didn't realise what I was doing was binging until quite recently so it is hard to identify when it started. I think the earliest I can remember doing it is probably the first year of university when I was living in halls. I can remember doing it as a coping mechanism for boredom and loneliness (lots and lots of both in halls), and also as a 'reward' and motivation for studying and writing essays. So 12 years ago. And I have been doing it ever since.

Hi IMust, the iPhone comment is a brilliant one, describing exactly how we do not see the 'all or nothing' approach for it's true destructive potential. I will keep that one in mind for when those times arise. It is very few and far between for me now but it happens. In time you can learn to move away from it too.

The idea of not having your feelings and worries validated is one I think we all share when it comes to asking for help. If you don't feel ready to talk to your GP just yet, have you considered one of the charities such as b-eat? It may help you to have someone local to talk to, they run support groups across the UK boyh online and in RL (if you live here of course) and really know their stuff.

Although the book and thread are a help, as you acknowledge it definitely helps to get to the cause with therapy. Its great that you are thinking in that way already. Have you had any before and found it helpful? I agree the fees can make you choke a little but I definitely think it's worth it, investing in yourself is always worth it.

I mentioned recently that trainee councillors, in their final semesters, have to take on people. (I am not a trained professional, so that may not be advisable, sleep is that something that you would recommend or avoid?). Some fully qualified councillors will do a sliding price scale depending on your circumstances, that is probably worth asking about. The Eating Disorder Service I see were very clear that we should only see people specialising in ED when I saw them, as others won't be equipped to help us properly.

Are you feeling any more positive after finishing the first half of the book?x

It's ok, I didn't get visions of you smashing the phone, made sense to me.

The boredom and rewards is very familiar reasons for binges. How a lot of us on here have come to see BED / disordered eating, is as a symptom of what is going on. We all have different triggers and reasons for why we do it. By dealing with those, we can remove the need to use food.

It takes a lot of digging and happens very gradually, I'm still finding new things unlocked all the time almost 18 months on. Quite often at the beginning it is hard to identify what emotions we actually feel, since we are expert at avoiding them! For me I had / have issues from my upbringing in a dysfunctional family, It created low self esteem and self worth. Its like a tiered system I think: at the top is binges, under that is boredom and loneliness for example but those are still symptoms, the next tier is why I feel that way, dig even deeper and you get the next one, long buried hurts and not being accepted and so on. That's how it is looking back over my journey so far.

Besides here, have you thought about a way for you to get out how you are feeling, a form of writing or diary of sorts?x

Welcome IMust,good you found us! You say that for some unknown reason you break the diet and overeat until you regain that weight. Of course you know the reason - you rbody is worried that the diet is starving it, hence tou have this reaction. It is not willpower eelated at all. It is pure physiology, a survival instinct whihc overrides all willpowers in the world. Yo-yo dieters inform their body that famine is always around the corner - hence the body reacts quicker and quicker to diet/famine, and normally over the years yo-yo dieters (incl meself) still gain, after every diet the binge kicks in a few kilos higher than in the previous case, and quickly the new weight goes over the limit at which last diet was started. It stays quite stable for 10-15 years maybe, so that you still get to your goal weight, but body gets better wnd better sabotaging diets, and then the upward creep happens......

Sleep, mindful eating is my most difficult issue - I enjoy reading that paper when eating alone, alway have done! I do not want to give it up, it is the most pleasurable thing - eat and read. I know it is wrong, but I just love reading while eating... When eating as a family I eat more mindfully, but it still ends up stuffing meself, actually even more, since I an bored spending time at the table and continue to eat until everyone is finished. But obviously I am a very quick eater with my BED!

Thanks, Fighting. I haven't ever had any counselling or CBT, actually, but definitely open to the possibility. I will do my due diligence and make sure they have the right experience regarding eating disorders, so thanks for the heads up on that.

Jass I absolutely love to eat and read too. Mainly Mumsnet!

Today was a potential binge day as my DH is away. Historically I would have almost certainly done so (and of course there is still time for it all to go very wrong) but I have eaten a healthy and decent sized dinner already. I'm not hungry and don't feel like I am going to binge.

Yesterday was almost triggering too. My husband saw me doing my monitoring and asked if I was dieting. I tried to act casual even though inside I was hyperventilating like mad. I explained I am just keeping track of what I am eating because I have noticed I need to eat more vegetables. So I am trying to eat more nutritious choices. He said "so are you at your target weight?"

Inside I was, like, "Argh!!! Does he think I am fat??!!!"

What I actually said was "Well there is probably room for improvement but that isn't my focus right now."

DH nodded and said "Good." Then changed the subject.

So that was incredibly stressful for me but astonishingly it has not yet resulted in excess eating. I keep thinking 'fake it til you make it.'

IMust, tell your husband if you can - that you will never diet again, but are making sure you get enough veg, fruit, healthy fats etc. Rather focusing on what you need than limiting the food you eat? I am sure he will approve!

My husband has never understood my BED as a problem. he thinks I just have a too good appetite! Or maybe he does, as today in the shop he asked am I planning to eat the baguette as well or is it enough to by one. I said no, I am not planning to eat it. Then he asked wether i feel like i might eat it despite not planning to. So he may be getting a bit more what I am suffering, ot maybe I have actually been a bit open lately about my inability to control the amounts of food I sometimes eat. Anyway, I laughed about it and was Ok sharing with him.