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Binge Eating Disorder Support 3

994 replies

FightingBed2014 · 13/04/2015 18:49

Welcome, this thread is for those that have disordered eating / Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and need support. We are all working towards a better relationship with food, together. Everyone is welcome to join in and share as much or as little as you like. Our focus is on learning to be happy with who we are right now and moving away from our negative self image, thoughts and eating patterns one step at a time.

Previous threads can be found here:

Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014

My blog following recovery from BED can be read here:Fighting BED

Many of us are following Dr Fairburn's Overcoming Binge Eating Second Edition book Here This is also used by a lot of Eating Disorder services in their treatment programmes.

Although we have no rules, we would ask that people either avoid talking about or be mindful when it is necessary that the following can be a trigger for those with an eating disorder; asking advice on how to start a new diet, talking about specific weight and clothes sizes. Please also remember that those supporting you need support too.

This thread was started by a BED sufferer and the majority of contributors are Eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real life support and advice from professionals

OP posts:
IronMaggie · 16/04/2015 21:33

Hello ladies, glad everyone's doing well, and still talking.

I've had a run of good days and am feeling positive at the moment as tonight feels like a small victory - I've had two nights of 3 hours sleep so have been exhausted and was alone with the DCs for the evening. I also got something off my chest at work, and have been anxious about whether I should have said anything. Normally all of that would definitely have led to me eating everything in sight, but I've had a sensible dinner and am now tucked up in bed for a super early night.

I'm finding that with practice I'm able to see the binge lorry approaching and take action to avoid it, rather than waiting for it to mow me over and only thinking afterwards, "what the deuce happened there?". I'm terrible at analogies, but for anyone following the Fairburn process I think this is what step 4 feels like - it's been a long and roundabout way of getting here but I finally have a sense that recovery lies ahead.

Fighting, I love your list of tips from the other day - all such good things to work on. Re no.1, I tend not to write things down out of fear of someone else reading it but it's been really cathartic - think I'll keep it up!

And Gum, sending you lots of strong, positive vibes. You can do this. Do you have a list of things you enjoy doing?

sleepwhenidie · 16/04/2015 21:49

tea don't you think then, that there's a good chance that lots, if not most other people who appear confident and capable feel anything but under the surface Smile? Most of us need to stop judging ourselves so harshly and also not be so afraid of making ourselves a little bit vulnerable-open up and share your insecurities/worries sometimes and usually the response you get is compassionate. And when you share your issues with food with the right people in RL, letting them see the real you, even if only in tiny steps, it can be so liberating - I think Fighting and Margo will agree...

On the subject of binge vs overeating, I agree they are different, a binge is characterised by a feeling of loss of control and eating well beyond the point of any enjoyment. With overeating, most people do that from time to time, if you define it as eating more than your body needs-but isn't it funny we never judge ourselves for undereating Confused? My personal hate that I think of as overeating is eating food I don't actually enjoy. If you eat an amazing cake as well as all the good stuff your body needs, that to me isn't necessarily overeating, providing I've paid proper attention enjoyed the experience (of the food and all that comes with it). Whereas stuffing it down, standing up, in bits and pieces, as if it doesn't really count if I'm not paying attention and no one can see me Wink..that is just a waste of delicious food and then I feel annoyed, whether with myself or the situation where I'm eating rubbish because nothing else is available (occasionally unavoidable of course Smile)

sleepwhenidie · 16/04/2015 21:59

Maggie Grin so pleased for you. Sleep deprivation is the worst so getting through with that and work stress in the mix is amazing! Flowers

teacoffeesomethingsweet · 16/04/2015 22:05

I agree sleep we're probably all just great pretenders Envy
Also, I know chatting to someone could help. I can't think of a single person in RL though that I would comfortable discussing it with. It is just too embarrassing.
The part I'm really struggling with is that I should really accept that I may never be slim again. Honestly, ever since I can remember, this has been one of the most important aims in my life pathetic
I maybe need to get a lifeWink

teacoffeesomethingsweet · 16/04/2015 22:07

I'm not sure where this >> Envy came from. It was meant to be Wink
Fat fingers, clearly.

spanky2 · 16/04/2015 22:11

I posted here ages ago. I bought the book that was recommended about binge eating. I am starting week three. Thank you for being here as it gave me the confidence to try to make myself well again. Felt too wound up about stuff to post, but knowing people were out there like me has really helped.

sleepwhenidie · 16/04/2015 22:19

tea, no one is saying that you'll never lose weight. There are no promises but at the very least the chances of you not gaining weight are excellent - together with being free of binges/dieting dominating your existence then that's a pretty amazing start. Ultimately the goal has to be eating intuitively, being in tune with your body enough to know what foods do or don't work for it (as with Fighting and dairy)and how much. Also what movement or exercise you enjoy and makes you feel good. Long term, living this way, your body will reach its healthy weight, which may or may not be what you think it is (or what a chart tells you it is Wink) at which you can be happy and comfortable and really live the life you were meant to Smile

sleepwhenidie · 16/04/2015 22:22

And on the subject of sharing in RL, it may seem unimaginable at the moment but give it time and be open to the possibility, that may change as you become gentler with yourself Smile.

spanky hello - stay with us and post as much or as little as you like, there are plenty of understanding and sympathetic people here, I promise you are very far from alone Smile

jassS · 17/04/2015 05:19

Really good insights from all people, all at different stages in the joirney to regain the good relationship with food. For the records: I do beat myself up this morning for eating too little! Am sitting in airport and i know by the time I get to my destination I will be starving, as I only threw one apple in my bag, and plane food is sandwitch, i.e. can not eat, its gluten! Am really angry with myself that I failed to prepare properly yesterday. Need to take good care. Previously I would have enjoyed a good opportunity to starve a bit, but now am really seeing that only having an apple w me is a strong risk to my resolve of eating normally, albeit gluten and sugar free!

I have additional problem - I ma settling towards my normal weight, and am struggling with not wanting to do it quicker, i.e. restrict. Need to board now, have a happy day all!

Mydearchild · 17/04/2015 07:29

Hello all, I've been lurking for a while and wanted to introduce myself. I am a 38 yr old mother of 2 and have BED. I have binged all of my adult life. I cannot tell you why i do this, believe me I've looked for a reason, but nope there is none. My weight fluctuates a lot. Last year, after many years of trying to 'diet' i lost weight and felt in 'control' of food for the first time in many years. I was happy to have this sense of freedom from the exhaustion of wanting to binge then bam Christmas came and I've not stopped binging since.

I am sick of the mental exhaustion of it, the obsession of food, the secrecy, the shame, the guilt. I have a pattern every day, i wake feeling 'in control' and determined this is going to be a 'good' day, then it gets to late afternoon and my resolve weakens and i mist over into my zombie state (only way i can describe it) and i think sod it its too hard to fight the urge and so i give in and binge. I don't even think when i binge I'm like a robot. Then the sick feeling of guilt and self hatred. Hating yourself is hard because if you hate yourself its hard to love life and so those around me suffer.

I feel my waist band getting tight again and i disgust myself, i wake in the night feeling absolutely gutted that i am doing this to myself again.

I want to know if that compulsion will always be there or if it fades with time? its such a strong urge that it overwhelms me most days but i don't want to battle like this in my head for the rest of my life its just so hard. I bought the book you recommended fighting and have started to read your blog its nice to have found a place where others can relate as i have nobody to share this with in real life and i am sorry that you are all going through the same.

jassS · 17/04/2015 07:53

Welcome, mydear. and belive me - we all have been where tou are. Sometimes we still are there and we all know we will sometimes also in the future be back on square one.
But it does not mean that the situation is hopeless. Most of us feel that the binge-diet cycle fades once you decide the following:

  • stop thinking "I only eat today/this week, then will properly get myself in hand and lose weight"
  • stop restricting
  • stop reacting to a binge by trying to "compensate" next day for it.

Your weight will still somewhat fluctuate, but sooner or later it settles. Some of us can say it was rising through all diet-binge cycles over 10-20 years. And it stabilised quite quickly when diet-binge cycle was broken. Not completely broken, I repeat, bingeing or at least overeating still happens occasionally.
Important thing is, it does not matter. Also healthy ppl sometimes eat toomuch, they just donot think abou it too much after the event and go on living. For us overeating means "fail" and fail means urge to punish, compensate, but bfore compensation comes the feeling "at least I will eat before i diet, since my day/week is anyway ruined".

It takes at least a year for the body to believe you truly are not going to put it back on diet. And it only believes if you make sure you eat three proper meals a day, maybe some snacks, and do not calorie count. Of course make sure you get nutritious food, concentrate on what you get positive from food - eat a lot of vegs and fruit and meat and fish and eggs and all healthy stuff, but do not forbid unhealthy things. Focus on getting good things in first, in quantities you like, do not try to keep to a certain decent portion size. Eating too little that lunctime hot meal means for sure you want something probably not so useful, but handy, before evening meal. For urgencies, keep fruit or other stuff you like and is easy to eat guilt-free handy. I think this is the essence of what has started to kill the binge-bust cycle for me. Good luck! Off to my next flight now, so far the apple and latte i had is sustaining me:-)))

Mydearchild · 17/04/2015 09:22

JassS Thank you for reply i sat here nodding and smiling, its like you knew me! I will always 'be good' tomorrow, just one last day of binging today and then I'm sworn off it for life but of course tomorrow never comes. I restrict myself, very frequently skipping breakfast (i admit i struggle to face breakfast until mid morning ) and not eating until lunch, in my head this gives me more calories to eat later on in a binge without gaining weight.

I run quite a lot which has helped keep my weight lower than it would be otherwise but i also punish myself with this, i am not good enough or fast enough. Dh is a very fit man with a very sensible attitude towards food and exercise so i hide my eating from him as i feel he will judge me as he has referred to my weight gains in a negative way as he does not understand this relationship with food.

Its so nice to have found you all.

FightingBed2014 · 17/04/2015 10:24

I can stop but just wanted to say welcome mychild, glad you found us. Thanks

Have a safe journey jassSThanks

Hope everyone is having a good day.x

OP posts:
jassS · 17/04/2015 21:34

You are me, mydear:-) Bingeing side is the same for all here, but only a few are also compulsive runners. I have run marathons to escape my BED. I am now limiting also sports, to 4 times a week and no more than about 25km per week of running. Rollerskating and biking is less limited:-) No obsessions allowed, all has to be reasonable!

IronMaggie · 17/04/2015 23:18

Hello ladies! And welcome mydear, everything you mentioned is something I've felt and been through, and I'm sure others have as well. I know you can find help here.

I've had a pretty positive day. I went to the cinema with DP which was a real test - for some reason that always leads to a binge. But it seems ok so far, we had an early dinner beforehand so I wasn't tempted to fall into the habit of getting too many sugar-laden cinema snacks. Have just had a green tea and am going to go to bed in a bit.

It looks like the weather is going to be pretty decent this weekend, so hope everyone has fun plans?! (not sure where you've been jetting off to jass, but hope it's somewhere exotic!)

Mydearchild · 18/04/2015 07:18

Thank you all so much for such a lovely welcome Flowers. It is such a relief to be able to 'talk' to others who know exactly how this feels. Well yesterday was a much more positive day, i managed 3 sensible meals and didn't binge. I feel happier this morning, not waking up to the sick bloated feeling is nice oh and the guilt i hate the guilt! Maggie i find taking the dc to the cinema very hard. Sweets and chocolate are my trigger food and i have been known to sit through a two hour movie just eating until i have felt sick. Last year when i had my longest period of not binging i did successfully manage the cinema a few times and it felt so good to have that control over myself (i am not sure if 'control' is a good or bad word but thats how it feels).

Off for a run today - i decided yesterday that i am not going to put myself under pressure to run a certain distance or do it in a certain time, just enjoy it like i used to. Then a day of running the dc to various clubs. Dh and ds are going to Wembley tomorrow to watch the FA cup semi-finals so a day with just dd who is 11 and myself will be nice, i told her she can chose where we go for lunch so that will be a bit of a test really. Have a good weekend all. Flowers

Mydearchild · 18/04/2015 21:13

Have taken delivery of Fairburns book and by god it's like he's writing about me. I genuinely never thought i was such a textbook case - I've been in denial for a long time about binging. I haven't thought of myself as having an eating disorder as my weight is ok ish. Only really overweight or very underweight people have eating disorders not me, I'm not either of those. I'm a pro at the binge starve cycle. Oh boy I've got a lot to learn.

jassS · 19/04/2015 06:43

Ha, my dear - and then you think it must be you who is wrong,because the rest of the world of course stays slim naturally! And those who do not are just people without willpower! and you beat yourself up for not having enough willpower to be slim enough, even if you are "passable"!

Until you somehow trip over the information that the societal pressure makes us starve ourselves to be slim and our bodies just can not take it more than about 10 years, sometimes less. It overrides our brain and gets that food into it, never mind that it is not healthy food anymore. At this point our body is not anymore interested in anything else than calories to sustain itself. We gain weight and the body calms down, allowing the brain to prevail once more - we diet and lose, until the body can not take it anymore. It is that simple, and it is just amazyong how we have let this to rule women during all the decades slim has been the ideal. Bthw, I sense things are getting better for current youth - there is some criticism of "too slim", like Beckham or this weird girl in sex and the city:-). I read I think somewhere that women size 14 are the happiest of the lot, followed by 12, 16 and then 10. Showing that not being too impressed by social norms and remaining at the weight where nature probably wanted you makes you happier than temporary wins over your body and slipping into these small-number clothes.

Also, diet-binge starves you all the time - you never get nutrients, because only calories matter. In diet, you get too few vitamins b and calcium, as you limit probably grains and might eat low-fat milk stuff, which does not allow you to get calcium, as it needs fat. Lots of vitamins are fat-soluble, so you miss out at all. And in binge mode we tend to neglect healthy food and pig on really sugary and starchy stuff, as "it does not matter, I am gaining anyway and will diet later". We never concentrate on vegs and liking them, we may obsessively eat them without enjoyment when on diet, but in bust moment they go out of the menu. First time ever I started to think about vitamins, omega three, calcium, all microelements, when I started to think about what I get in, rather than how many calories things give. Now I always remember to drink water and I eat veg and fruit because I really like it, and I do not treat them as replacement for something I really would like. I dip my vegs into full fat dip (home made), or eat with cheese and liver pate, and it is really good. Previously veg eas diet food, always to be eaten withput anything fattening beside it, as it ruined its low calorie value.

I strongly accuse the 90ies ultra-slim culture, to which I totally adhered to. I have a degree in natural sciences, to my shame, so .... i should not have been fooled, but I was. And I thought bthw that lots of my doctor friends were too fat, because they never dieted! They were all healthy weight and they knew it, but I thought BMI above 20 is a shame! Also, I have spent hours on the beach I did not enjoy at all , thrying to make sure I tan evenly! Because this is how you were supposed to look (I come from nordic country, were suntan can b eonly accuired from may til july, I luckily new solariums are not an option for cancer risks and they were not common in my post-soviet-occupation home country, also nnot affordable, so "worked hard" on the beach! ). I think this food journey has made me also to realise the skin color does not matter neither! I will of course still go to beach, and play with my boys, but will not consider time spent in water as waste of sun tanning option!

MrsMargoLeadbetter · 19/04/2015 11:47

Welcome mydear lots of good advice on here already. It is amazing to find a community of people like you. It really has changed my life. Smile

Struggling a bit here. Feeling like a sh*t parent as struggling with DS again. Feel echos of my DF in my approach, which I hate. Sad

Am making a renewed effort to use the Rise Up app to record my feelings & food as it helps.

Am looking forward to DS getting back to school so we all have a routine again. I know from previous experience that hols are difficult being self-employed as I take time off but there is no-one to cover me. I need to plan ahead better. I just feel pulled in about 100 directions and I can 'hear' a little voice saying 'what about me?'....

Hope you are all having nice weekends.

sleepwhenidie · 19/04/2015 12:40

Hey Margo hang in there, holidays are nearly over. Can you plan something nice for yourself in the next week or so? Regarding your DF, do you have any insight into why he parented the way he did? Can you write about it and also identify where you feel you have managed to move away from the things he did, that is, recognise the differences between you rather than the similarities? This can be a good exercise in terms of being more forgiving of DF and yourself and help you see the positives you have achieved. Mimicking our own parents is inevitable to some degree or another, don't be too hard on yourself Smile.

Welcome mydear, you've had some great advice above. Glad you are feeling less alone with your struggles with food Smile.

FightingBed2014 · 20/04/2015 12:02

Mydear I don't think I could add anything to JassS's wonderful messages. It's just lovely to read that you have found yourself in the Fairburn explanations. I hope this is the start of a new chapter in life for you.x

OP posts:
FightingBed2014 · 20/04/2015 12:05

Margo, I think the reason you feel the voice asking 'what about me' is a good sign you need some space for yourself. We can only do so much.

sleep has covered everything with DF in her reply, I agree with her (easily applied to someone else, its a little harder for myself).x

OP posts:
runningLou · 20/04/2015 13:23

Been away from the thread for a bit but now back from hols in France and at work - eugh! Holidays were difficult in terms of food but I tried to stick to 3 meals a day and not worry too much about not being in control of what was served. I was surprised by the fact that I didn't feel hungry - I have been used to hunger being such a constant feature of life in the starve and binge cycle, it was actually quite strange! I gained some weight through the week (didn't weigh at all when away so tried to go with how clothes were feeling) but probably about 2lbs which given the amount of cheese and bread that were consumed is not too bad!
Even when eating 3 meals a day I found myself always looking for something sweet at the end of a meal, even if I had eaten a lot of savoury. I know this is a habit and I don't feel like I have had a proper meal if I don't have a dessert, and sometimes yogurt and fruit don't cut it. How do others deal with this?
Now I am home I am realising how much my body shape has changed due to recent binges and also lack of exercise following knee op in March. I don't like my new shape at all but I am trying not to focus too much on this but instead think about what my 'natural' shape might be and how to feel happy about it rather than always wishing to be something else. I think in reality I am meant to be bigger than I was when at my slimmest (Summer 2013), and instead of thinking of this being me at my 'best', and always striving to get back there, I need to think about finding something more sustainable. Looking back to that time, I was under severe emotional strain (of my own making due to end of affair), I was sleeping poorly, running daily, sometimes twice a day ... None of that will fit in with my new job, looking after DC, and trying to patch things up with DH. It is nearly 2 years on and I need to let this go.
Yesterday there was a marathon here and I was looking at the runners (of all shapes and sizes!!) enviously and wishing I could take on that challenge. I am on forced rest now due to my knee, but I would love to be strong enough to do that, and I hope I would feel proud of myself at the end regardless of what size I am.
One thing I am struggling with currently is deliberately staying out of touch with friends with whom I have talked a lot about weight/exercise in the past. Is this bad/some kind of denial, or is it ok not to be in touch with people who remind me of difficulties in the past?!
I have bought the Fairburn book and read the first section and I am a classic case of bulimia. I haven't started on the programme at the back yet, but I will do. One thing I have decided is that when I get home from school with DC (I finish at 3:15 and pick them up on way home) I will not hang around in kitchen but will make a cup of herbal tea and go and sit upstairs in spare room for a bit to try and unwind before cooking DC's dinner.

sleepwhenidie · 20/04/2015 14:15

Lou! Such a change of tone in your post Smile! Eating regularly seems to have helped your outlook! I'm so pleased to hear you sounding more positive.

First-the need for something sweet after a meal...have it, whatever it is you want. When you truly give yourself permission to do that then you may find the urge is sometimes there, sometimes not, give it time.

You seem to recognise now that your ED was taking you away from the truly important stuff in your life - DH and DC's. It's almost as if your primary relationship was with bulimia (instead of another man), lots of sufferers identify with that analogy, particularly if they keep their struggles secret, should you? Apart from it being like an affair though, I'd describe it as an abusive relationship that is hard to leave (battered wife syndrome if you like). So when it comes to the friends you talk about, would they encourage you to stay with the abusive partner or help you leave and make a fresh start Smile? Base your decision to be with them on that.

sleepwhenidie · 20/04/2015 14:15

Sorry I meant 'would you?' Not 'should you?' Smile