Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Also any comments and suggestions would be most welcome.

I would love yup Follow you. Could you make the link click-able please i'm on my phone so I can't copy and paste it x

Yup = to lol x

It hadn't occured to me to do that Jokers, good idea. I hope this works

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Wow the post on positive thoughts really struck a cord with me!
How are you today?x

Thank you for asking. I'm not too bad, although the whole house is currently unwell bar DH. But we're muddling through. I loved the article I shared, it almost felt like a telling off at points. I guess those would be points I need to do most work on .
A lot of what I have been thinking has been 'I want to get to this point and I'm going to have failings and hardtimes'. But I think going forward 'I'm going to get to this point and accept the bumps along the way, will be just that' is far better.
How are you doing? Is the subject I blog about something you have experience with?

I'm doing ok today. I mainly struggle with feelings of "oh my God, i'm not God enough for anyone" but the past week has been ok.

Will post the full and honest account of my relationship with food later. (I normally gloss over things to hide the facts bit this time, on here, I'll be brutally honest. )

I could have written the gloss over part of your post. With something that's so hard to talk to anyone about, I think we become experts at minimising it all. But then how how on earth do we begin to explain all the complexities to someone who doesn't experience it? All very tough. That's why I figured the blog may help, looking at it all over a long period, may perhaps help others to see the ball of wool untangle. (best description I can liken it to).

I completely know what you mean....others try to understand but most can't. I'm lucky that my partner can
Do you have many understanding people in your life?

No not really. I could talk to DH but he doesn't understand any of what I'm describing. Friends tend to give a blank look and family judge. You know the, 'well why don't you just eat less'. Or 'you should be eating more of this' insert picture of salad here. Which is ironic as they would describe themselves supportive .Must give them their due's, they have supported my running, which is nice. Ultimately this is me on my own and I'm the only one able to make a change. Who knows, I may show them the blog one day.

I'm lucky to have my partner. just wanted to give you a quick picture of my life. Feel free to ask questions
I'm 5ft 2. I was very active and any reason was a reason not to eat. I was only just 7st (underweight). My partner brought home an eating disorder assessment Sheet from work (he's a paramedic) & I ticked nearly all the boxes. I did the test alone and didn't tell him for months. He's so patient . We Wanted to ttc so started to increase my weight, hard but I did it. I had 4 MCs all been 11 & 14 Weeks. Which was very difficult. Me and Mark wanted (still do) to get married but wanted to have savings first (still saving). Even when we stopped ttc to give my body and our emotions a rest my weight continued to increas. Til I was 12stone.
I've dieted and exercised down to a healthy 8st for when we do ttc again. But I'm having to urges to skip meals, drink water to fill up on and exercise lots. Like before. I'm worried i'm going to get "that way" again.
Any negative emotions make me feel like I just can't eat. I worry about being good enough for people, which makes me stressed, so I don't want to eat. Work is hard to find at the moment too, which doesn't help.
It all comes back to emotions and thoughts, though I do worry about parts of my body not being perfect.

I never read blogs op but for some reason I had to click on the link - I could have written that myself.

I want so badly to stop binge eating. I do so well, lose loads of weight, get fit and healthy. Then if I eat one 'bad' thing like a sweet or something I think 'sod it, I've ruined it' and eat and eat. I'm not even hungry when I do it.

perfectlypurple I am the same with regards to the eating one bad thing and then the throwing in the towel. I will post another bit in the blog today about the positives I've found. one of them is that the book im using for CBT has really helped in this area. The idea being to get rid of the 'all or nothing' approach. This has always been there, whether it be with anorexia or binge eating. It's work in progress and you will probably have seen, in the blog, lately its not been great. But I still consider myself to be on the programme. That is something I never achieved before. The book is one recommend by other MN's and its been fantastic. I will try and link the post.

Thought id drop in and say hi. Hope you both have a good day

Jokers, It was lovely reading that you have a lot of support in your partner. Knowing he is there and also has more awareness due to his career must be a big comfort for you. The questionnaire sounds like a good tool to have.
I think we all share the same triggers of emotions and thoughts. Perhaps our outward symptoms are different, but underneath we are fighting similar battles. I certainly recognise the urges to drink water, from my younger years.
I was sorry to read about your miscarriages, the affect that has on your must be very great. Something that will no doubt make your battle to stay as healthy as possible, very hard.

Hello! I've just started reading "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Christopher Fairburn. Is that hte same one? I think I have the first edition so I don't know how different it is.

I had been going to an Eating Disorders group last year but can't make it this year due to childcare issues. I can recognise a lot of my problems.... but I've still put another stone on in a year..

I'm terrified of it. So I end up eating...

Your right - we are all the same, and have the same goals. People think changing the what you eat will change the way you think. But in reality we need to change our thoughts and outlook first. Then our relationship with food will follow.
In a way having my partner support me makes things harder, I lean on him too much, then when he's out doing a shift I can fall apart. I haven't quite learnt to do things alone yet. That's my next goal. Just cos i'm alone doesnt mean I can skip meals. I keep thinking "no one will notice so its ok" but that's not right. Today I WILL eat 3 meals and 2 snacks. And they'll be healthy. I won't rely on sugar for energy bursts today.
Now I've said that you can all shout at me if I fail!

Hi Goodness. Yes it's the same one, although I have the second edition. I'm not sure of the differences either.
Are you able to keep in touch with anyone who organises the help group for support? It must be hard not having that to help. But your obviously heading in the right direction if you have decided to follow the book. So I would take a big positive from that.

jokers, I can't copy and paste as I'm on my phone but your comments regarding changing our thoughts, is spot on.
Looking at today and your eating, no one would shout at you. Just take it a step at a time. Perhaps If you can break it down into smaller segments it will be achievable? Say 'I will have a snack in the next hour or so' and then the next step I will have dinner at ... Maybe that will seem less daunting? The stress of any large goals for me is a big trigger.

Its definitely to do with the mess that is my head. I'm getting up courage to go back to the GP but I'm not sure what they can actually do. Its an underresourced/underfunded area I think. There's sometimes 6 sessions of basic CBT isn't there but I think I need longer. I also have children at home so appointments would be tricky anyway.

Ah so much negative thinking. I'm only a couple of chapters into the book. I'm hoping I can pull myself out of it a bit.

OhIFellOff - are you working through it alone or do you have a therapist/GP involvement etc? It sounds like you're taking control back :)

I have found that I can easily skip small goals, I think "well outs only a snack, ego cares" but with big goals I keep them better. Like doing a puzzle. If I miss a small goal I won't get the big goal completed.

Goodness, I'm definitely trying to. It's very much a rollecoaster though. I may not have a grip on the actual eating this week, but I certainly feel like I'm laying foundations with my emotional stability. I have just come to the end of the sessions you mentioned. I didn't find them very helpful tbh. Using the book and writing down my feelings has been something I could do at my own pace and been much more beneficial for me.

Jockers, it's really interesting to read you're thought processes and how each person has a different perspective. Although it's not a happy subject, eating disorders, the psychology behind it all is quite fascinating. I do hope today is a positive one for you.

Yes the psychology behind it all is amazing. Today has been good so far, but that's prob due to having a day to home with nothing to make me anxious!
How's everyone else doing today?

Ok I messed up. But it was only the snacks I missed out. I know its all important but it could have been worse