Binge Eating Disorder Support

[FightingBed2014]

This is our second thread, helping each other through the ups and downs we experience with binge eating. The original thread can be found here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/new_blog_posts/2029166-Eating-Disorder-Recovery

This is open to anyone, no mater how good or bad things are for you. We are all here for support and help to recover from our disordered eating. Talking about how we feel has been the first step to recovery for us. There is hope and life without it.

I blog about my recovery as I go through each new experience, if you want to have a read it's here

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Yes sleep, I would definitely agree with the scale. When I started just talking about my own body shape and size would have had me in tears. Even remembering the feelings of self loathing and shame are hard to think about. It's almost like looking back at someone else and I feel desperately sorry for her. No one should have to feel that way about themselves.

So we can say I started at 1 (unless there was a zero, then it's there). I began to forgive myself when I started the 'Overcoming Binge Eating' book. I learned that the diets failed not me and I do indeed have an eating disorder. Pushed me to a 1.

Learning to ditch the idea of restrictions and those being my go to 'feel better' wasn't right as I was punishing myself. Pretty big after 20 odd years so that was a 2.

Taking up running and being good at training just because I wanted to probably made me a 4. this was obviously up and down as it was early days. I could easily go back to 2 when I had my period and injury held me up. Also too much pressure to achieve set me back a long way.

Sharing my story from the beginning, struggles and achievements has given me an outlet for emotions. I've never done that before and honestly believe its the key to this working. The things I was carrying and accepting without realising, its no wonder i struggled. have spoken to you all and had feedback from the blog. I haven't felt alone or a failure as the rest of the world suceeded in life. I see it as a normal place with all kind of people now. There's a 5.

The mirror challenge took months (as did all of the above) but I've never got past the negative before. I've allowed myself to think positive thoughts. It took a lot to squash the negative comments and opinions from other on repeat in my head. Doing this made it possible to buy clothes and feel worthy of looking after myself for the first time. Thats 6. (My bank balance wasn't so happy )

Finally adding all my achievements together has shown me what I can achieve and especially without looking for approval to do something. Those I would have looked to, are the same that would have previously crushed my confidence. I haven't once consulted them or discussed it with them. Funny how without them I have flourished. It is now permanent and makes me smile knowing I am capable. Starting the business has shown that. so perhaps 6.5 now .

I'm happy with that. Room for growth but I measure my sucess in what I do and overcome now, not what my clothes size is. I only hope by sharing that my positive changes can help others too.x

That was a bit emotional, looking back at it all. I'm still little old me sat in the room with my DC but I did all that after so many years of tearing myself up.

Margo and purple it has been a privilege to see you both grow in confidence and make positive changes. sleep you're a lovely person for giving us your time, support and gentle nudges when needed.

Wow, fast moving thread! welcome to new joiners.

Fighting, that is inspirational, well done you! Sleep, you are a wonderful person

Again I'm stuck as I'm on my phone, so can't read through previous posts.

Sleep, actually I don't enjoy cooking that much, prefer baking. But I hate throwing food away, so tend to use leftovers up if possible.

I've been trying to enjoy my food, chewing slowly. Not eating very healthily, as dd is still at her friend's, been just shoving stuff in the oven and got up late, so had brunch instead of breakfast and lunch. I did get out for a walk though.

carrie I'm mostly on my phone. do you mean when you hit reply, you can't see the previous posts?x

Yes I find it hard to remember who posted what and reply to them.

I have a v small handful of nuts with my porridge so there's some good fats? Dinner was mackerel so that's a good source of fat and omega?

I've had an okayish day today. No binging as such but have had a lot of sugar. Porridge and nuts for breakfast (I can't stop weighing out an exact portion size though, is this okay to do?) Lunch was a ham and coleslaw sandwich on brown with a packet of crisps. Dinner was some kind of Asian chicken and pork broth with rice and stir fry with sauce... then some trifle... the only food I prepared today was the porridge. I find it easier if I'm not the one preparing and dishing out the food. Does anyone else find that? I would have thought it would be the opposite.

I'm not working tomorrow so I plan to read the first thread from start to finish :)

Lost the plot this evening and ate loads of crap

I'm lurking here
I don't know what I'm classed as - I have disordered eating but...
If someone says something I don't eat, I hate eating in front of people in case they think "well that's why she's fat" and I get upset if I "binge"
I put binge like that because for me eating a bag of crisps and a chocolate bar is a binge in my head
Obviously I don't mean that is but to me it is? If that makes sense

I try to stay low carb as I get bad sugar lows and that's when I don't think about what I'm eating and grab whatever is closest (my sugars are generally low anyway but can drop to below 2)

Today was not great, I didn't have any decent food in
2 weetabix and milk
Protein powder/oats/banana/almond milk blended
Fresh soup
Graze punnet with rhubarb/apple
Handful almonds
Piece of cake a colleague made
Mars bar

That looks awful written down
I've spent my life with my mum calling me fat and saying stuff about me and I'm getting there but slowly. Do a lot of exercise - pole fitness, spin, weights, horse ride and am a plus size model part time

Agrestic I think for now weighing out your portions isn't too bad. Just take things at your own pace and maybe look to naturally choose portion sizes eventually. It took me a long time to let go of WW pro points portions. One thing at a time sounds sensible. You're already trying to adjust what you eat. You will know when you feel ready to take another step. In the mean time feel good that you are doing this for you.

I don't find cooking so much of a problem. I tend to be bored of the food by the time it's done. For me shopping is still an issue. I buy crap I really don't need. its in much smaller quantities now but still happens.

Good luck reading the thread, its a long one A good example if how the journey is less of a straight line A-Z and more a rollercoaster with a few loops thrown in.x

Carrie you had a sttrssful week and yesterday wasn't a good day either. You needed to binge / eat more and that is ok! Looking after yourself is good and that happened to be what you needed.

Try to not feel guilty, today is a new day (easier said than done I know).

If you are still feeling bad maybe think 'I can do / have what ever I need to feel ok' and keep repeating until you feel ok. what you want and need may change. Today food, tomorrow a walk or music.x

Good It's lovely to see you felt able to de-lurk.

I think we are all a variation of disordered eating, with common themes. There seems to be a bit more flexibility regarding eating disorders now. I read somewhere (could have been here) that a binge is subjective. What we perceive may be different to others but is still a valid term, if that's how we feel. I am definitely finding strength in the fact I don't have to tick boxes to either be or have something. Trusting my own judgment if you like.

Sleep may be able to offer help regarding what to try and build into your food intake. I wouldn't day it was shocking. The positives were there. You're eating regularly which is a good start.

Do you do excercise because you enjoy it or for other reasons?

I'm sorry that you have been through life with your parent doing that to you. It's soul destroying but it can be overcome. Detachment is possible eventually. Do you feel this has been the main factor for you?

Professionally you sound successful. I am very much in awe that you model, such a fantastic opportunity to build confidence. Does it make you happy when your in front of the camera, with someone seeing you in a way your mother refuses to?x

Yes if I cook I'm bored of it by the time I serve. And I've usually eaten a lot of it too.

Yes I think I'll carry on weighing the porridge out. I've actually bagged it all up in sandwich bags so I can just open a bag rather than constantly weighing. I think next time I'll bag it up without weighing it.

To everyone: Do people in real life know you're problems? Or is it a secret?

Right, I'm going to start reading!

Your**!!

I've detached (NC) because the forced termination last year was the last straw
I love exercise, I like being sweaty and tired! Plus it makes me happy
Modelling is great, I've only started this year but seeing the photos really helps me see myself in a different way

Agrestic my DH knows and a few others. My DM also knows but doesn't talk about it. I've had mixed reactions. Some have been supportive and others have show disintrest. Its kind of irrelevant now for me. I'd talk about it if the subject arose. As much as you can do with people who haven't experienced it.x

Good NC sounds like a way for you to move forward. It must have been a difficult decision for you.x

I should point out that the only person who knows about my blog and posting here is DH. That is definitely a secret so that I have an outlet. It's been invaluable.

There are times where I wish I could take it public. I'm sure it would help a lot more people putting a face to the name but I can't see that happening. There are things I have mentioned that wouldn't go down well with certain people in RL.

Hi Goodas, we have chatted here and there on other threads so I feel like I 'know' you a bit already . From everything you say on those, you generally eat very well and seem to have all the 'right' motivations for exercise, enjoyment and health. You look great and are a walking advert for physical health at every size, I know you are extremely fit! As you say, your idea of a binge comprises a lot less food than most people would consider a 'binge', but as Fighting says, the fact of your feelings about it make it just as much of an issue for you as five times as much food could be for someone else .

Two things I would suggest, first, maybe switch away from low carb to low GI based diet as you may find this keeps your blood sugar more stable, around a mid-line, without such low dips...also this would allow you to incorporate slightly starchier and sweeter foods (like fruit, sweet potatoes, a small amount of good quality bread) into your diet and that may lessen any feeling of deprivation of sweet/comforting food that could be contributing to your 'binges'. I believe we all need a certain amount of sweetness in our diets, it's very tough trying to cut it out completely. Second, have you had any counselling with regard to your mum, the termination and your self-esteem? You are doing some great practical things (your exercise, the modelling, the general way you eat) to improve your self esteem but a bit of help from a therapist or counsellor could be extremely valuable. Perhaps you could ask your GP for a referral?

Agrestic - you didn't mention the nuts first time ! Yes, better with those on your porridge. And mackerel is fantastic. But (cheese sandwiches aside), you still had hardly any protein and very few calories up until dinner and that will be taking its toll if its a regular thing, and the purging is very worrying - you need to really think about how effective dieting/restricting/purging been for you in the past and how a different approach is needed - just like Purple says. You say you've ditched calorie counting but I suspect that isn't really the case, anyone who has calorie counted consistently for some time knows calorie counts back to front, they don't need MFP and the like .

To be honest, in terms of calories, you probably didn't overeat at all that day you ate the cheese sandwiches, but you feel as if you did because you 'gave in' to a perfectly natural hunger and had the two sandwiches after 'lunch' which I would classify as a snack ! And yesterday was much better.

Let us know what resonates with your from the first thread, or any questions that come up

Fighting I loved reading your 'stages' along the scale! You should be very proud of yourself

Hi sleep
I'm eating some grains - I've developed a liking for quinoa with salad/feta/chicken, and I eat sweet potatoes
My weight had gone up, I've pulled it back by 4kg but the doctor still isn't happy
I get irritated that I try not to eat junk, and can cut my calories and still don't lose weight (sigh) but am trying to focus on nourishment, enjoying food and what tastes good
I've had 16 counselling sessions, we haven't even touched on the termination because I can't bring myself to talk about it. Diagnosed with PTSD, and I have two counselling sessions left
Am still exercising (not enough I don't feel but have been struggling with ongoing cough
Pole pic!
instagram.com/p/t3cuNrNdyL/

That must take a fair bit of strength, impressive!x

It's just fun
I take a lot of stick for it, comments about how I'm too fat/shouldn't wear shorts blah blah
It's been a struggle, I'm probably the biggest intermediate/advanced student and I still think "I'm going to break the pole/am too heavy" but seeing the progress is amazing

It's fantastic! I really detest the stupid ideas like that, ' oh you shouldn't do / wear that' because you're not a certain size speaking of which......

I just found this and its given me a cross between the rage and sadness;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2219432-would-your-mum-say-this

I think I finally got DM to stop sending me links to dodgy weight loss sites. Sadly I have to listen to constant talk of 'do I look fat, oh my clothes are tighther, I need to lose weight'. If I try to mention it really doesn't matter, if you're happy... The oddest response of 'oh I don't care about my weight' is infuriating. She knows I have an ED but still goes on. Never asks how I'm doing with it or anything close. I always knew her eating was off but as an adult I now see clearly she has seriously disordered eating too (but refuses to aknowledge it). My DGM is from 60's generation and behaves like others in the link, slim is an important factor for a woman.

I've had comments like "my legs are so much slimmer than yours, look how much narrower my shoulders are" (she's about a size 24, I'm a 16)

"Are you obese or is it just that dress?"
In front of people while grabbing my stomach "talk about a muffin top, look at this!"

Sleep, yes you are right. I know the porridge is about 100 cals without the nuts and I know two slices of toast is about 200 cals! A tin of tinned tomatoes can't add much on... hence eating them.

Today dp made me cheese on toast with some smoked sausage and a grilled tomato on the side. Twas lovely but high fat. I felt okay after eating it, if I had made it I would have felt awful.

I haven't eaten anything else yet and I'm going to a zumba class at 7. I'm starting to get hungry but this is where I get really anxious about eating. I'm hungry but I'll be exercising in an hour and a half...