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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

Almost 44 and would love another baby

179 replies

Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 18:54

I was in a as relationship a few years ago and have a daughter who is 7. I’d always wanted more but split with her dad when she was 3. I met someone 2 years ago and we were trying for a baby. Rationship didn’t work out. I’ve found myself considering ivf or sperm donation. I’m almost 44 and feel like it’s now of never. I look after daughter mostly all alone. Dad sees her every other sat and sun.

I’ve spoken to a fertility clinic and I need testing done to determine my egg reserve. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by costs and worried it’s too late already. I’d been trying around 2 months with previous partner. Both times period was late but then came and was vv heavy and painful.

OP posts:
ooooohlala · 01/08/2025 19:25

That would be a really shitty thing to do to your existing daughter.

indoorplantqueen · 01/08/2025 19:34

I think you’d be mad to do this. Your age, your current dc (who sees her father) and your overall set up. It would be really shitty to bring a child into the world who has a half sibling who has an active father.

Original poster
Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 19:35

ooooohlala · 01/08/2025 19:25

That would be a really shitty thing to do to your existing daughter.

Why exactly would this be a really shitty thing to do to my daughter? She constantly tells me she’d love a little baby brother or sister. Her dad won’t have more as he really struggled coming to terms with having her. He’s a good dad now so would help out more if imagine if I did have another. I really don’t see how giving a child a sibling could ever be considered a really shitty thing.

OP posts:
doglover90 · 01/08/2025 19:36

Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 19:35

Why exactly would this be a really shitty thing to do to my daughter? She constantly tells me she’d love a little baby brother or sister. Her dad won’t have more as he really struggled coming to terms with having her. He’s a good dad now so would help out more if imagine if I did have another. I really don’t see how giving a child a sibling could ever be considered a really shitty thing.

Show quote history

A 7 year old isn't always the best judge of what they would actually want or need in the long term though.

CommissarySushi · 01/08/2025 19:36

I'd say just enjoy the child you have. It wouldn't be fair to your existing dd or the potential child.

Original poster
Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 19:40

doglover90 · 01/08/2025 19:36

A 7 year old isn't always the best judge of what they would actually want or need in the long term though.

Show quote history

I’m an only child and I didn’t want to have kids if I’d just have one as I think it’s really sad to not grow up with a sibling. You miss out on so much and I’m so V many ways. She sees friends with several brothers and sisters and is always envious as I was

OP posts:
Original poster
Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 19:42

I have considered asking a male friend to donate who always wanted kids, but didn’t get the chance to have any himself as yet

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 01/08/2025 19:45

He’s a good dad now so would help out more if imagine if I did have another.

What do you mean by this? He has her every other weekend, do you think he’d have her more if you had another child? Why would he do that? Unless you mean he would like to have her more now, and you’ve said no, but if you had another child you’d say yes?

namechangedtosay · 01/08/2025 19:46

It’s not strange at all to want 2 dc and families can be created in many different ways so I don’t think is negative in the slightest ! If you are happy and healthy , can provide for both dc then go for it !

WaltzingWaters · 01/08/2025 19:55

A friend has just had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. She’s 44 and was told that the chances of miscarriage now are 1 in 2.

Winnie806 · 01/08/2025 20:05

I wouldn’t personally OP. Just had my second mid thirties and, despite being fit and healthy and having a really hands on DH, I felt so much older than my previous pregnancy not much earlier - I have two under two. My DC2 has a severe health condition which required surgery at just 3mo and there was a worry DC would be born with a chromosomal abnormality. Most stressful period of my life. So relieved my pregnancy days are over and I’d be devastated to find myself pregnant again tbh. DH has had the snip.

But I know you’ll probably think it’s easy for me to say this with two DC perhaps!

TaupeMember · 01/08/2025 20:47

Winnie806 · 01/08/2025 20:05

I wouldn’t personally OP. Just had my second mid thirties and, despite being fit and healthy and having a really hands on DH, I felt so much older than my previous pregnancy not much earlier - I have two under two. My DC2 has a severe health condition which required surgery at just 3mo and there was a worry DC would be born with a chromosomal abnormality. Most stressful period of my life. So relieved my pregnancy days are over and I’d be devastated to find myself pregnant again tbh. DH has had the snip.

But I know you’ll probably think it’s easy for me to say this with two DC perhaps!

Sorry, but what a tone deaf and insensitive comment

Nearly everything you've said isn't relevant to the op. And moaning on about 2 under 2 when the op would have given anything to have this set up. Thoughtless

calmingpompoms · 01/08/2025 20:55

Go for it if you want to. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for your existing child. She’d love a sibling and you’ll love the baby.

The thing to consider is your age. Having a baby and soon to be menopausal would put me off a bit (as I’m currently menopausal with two young kids and I feel old and it all feels hard)

Holiday24 · 01/08/2025 21:08

If it's something you really want then give it a go! Just keep in mind that it may not happen and you'll have to come to terms with that if it doesn't.

I have a similar age gap with my children and it's worked out really nicely - much easier to give them each the individual attention than with a smaller gap, and they get on brilliantly. Having said that, my first would have been happy as an only child too - having a sibling might be nice but you can be just as content without.

Btowngirl · 01/08/2025 21:09

Mums net usually hates unconventional families so I am not surprised at the first few responses.

Ultimately if you have the health, finances and time and it’s what you want, why not go for it? Your DD is old enough to understand what it means to have a sibling.

Original poster
Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 21:49

ShesTheAlbatross · 01/08/2025 19:45

He’s a good dad now so would help out more if imagine if I did have another.

What do you mean by this? He has her every other weekend, do you think he’d have her more if you had another child? Why would he do that? Unless you mean he would like to have her more now, and you’ve said no, but if you had another child you’d say yes?

I mean he enjoys the time he spends with her ands if I had another baby and she was in anyway in need of extra attention or looking after he would help out extra as and when he could. He’s happy with every other weekend as I live by school and see other mums more with her friends. I don’t prevent him from seeing her more

OP posts:
Original poster
Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 21:51

namechangedtosay · 01/08/2025 19:46

It’s not strange at all to want 2 dc and families can be created in many different ways so I don’t think is negative in the slightest ! If you are happy and healthy , can provide for both dc then go for it !

Thank you 😊 I’ve just always had a strong feeling I’d have 2 and daughter keeps asking for a sibling. I can afford it

OP posts:
Original poster
Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 21:52

Btowngirl · 01/08/2025 21:09

Mums net usually hates unconventional families so I am not surprised at the first few responses.

Ultimately if you have the health, finances and time and it’s what you want, why not go for it? Your DD is old enough to understand what it means to have a sibling.

Thank you 🙂 I feel like that. Like I want another, daughter wants a sibling so why not try it even if it’s unconventional

OP posts:
Original poster
Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 21:54

WaltzingWaters · 01/08/2025 19:55

A friend has just had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. She’s 44 and was told that the chances of miscarriage now are 1 in 2.

The risks are higher for sure. That’s awful for your friend. I’ve had friends in their 30s have several miscarriages though. I filled out the online calculator you can do and even with my age if I’m past a certain amount of weeks the risk doesn’t seem to be that bad

OP posts:
Original poster
Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 21:55

Holiday24 · 01/08/2025 21:08

If it's something you really want then give it a go! Just keep in mind that it may not happen and you'll have to come to terms with that if it doesn't.

I have a similar age gap with my children and it's worked out really nicely - much easier to give them each the individual attention than with a smaller gap, and they get on brilliantly. Having said that, my first would have been happy as an only child too - having a sibling might be nice but you can be just as content without.

Edited

I’m totally prepared for it not happening and almost feel I need to give it a go and see. If it works out amazing, if it doesn’t then at least I know I tried, if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 21:57

calmingpompoms · 01/08/2025 20:55

Go for it if you want to. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for your existing child. She’d love a sibling and you’ll love the baby.

The thing to consider is your age. Having a baby and soon to be menopausal would put me off a bit (as I’m currently menopausal with two young kids and I feel old and it all feels hard)

Thanks it really means a lot to get some positive comments. I went to see my Gp and she was very encouraging as said the main issue with older pregnancies is high bmi and high blood pressure both of which I don’t have so 🤞

OP posts:
BCBird · 01/08/2025 21:58

If you are concerned about the costs now, what will it be like if you do manage to have another child? You won't get any financial support from the father. I would be happy with my lot and not risk my health and status quo on having another child

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/08/2025 22:01

Can you actually afford it? The fertility treatment and a new baby? Do you have people to support your daughter while you are potentially out of action? I think it’s a bad idea, it’s likely to be a long difficult road due to your age that may just fail anyway and you will be missing out on fully enjoying your daughter while she’s young.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/08/2025 22:05

Do you think it would be fair for the second child to see your older DD go off and spend time with her father when they can't do the same?

Will your elder DD feel pushed out because new baby is always with you, they get to stay on her Daddy weekends.

What if the new baby has significant needs? That would take so much from your DD, more than you can imagine and you absolutely can regret having a child.

What if there's complications for you? Long term health issues?

I don't think it's a smart decision at all.

Jk987 · 01/08/2025 22:06

Your child’s Dad is barely involved if he only sees her once a fortnight. He needs to step up up big time.