Almost 44 and would love another baby

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I was in a as relationship a few years ago and have a daughter who is 7. I’d always wanted more but split with her dad when she was 3. I met someone 2 years ago and we were trying for a baby. Rationship didn’t work out. I’ve found myself considering ivf or sperm donation. I’m almost 44 and feel like it’s now of never. I look after daughter mostly all alone. Dad sees her every other sat and sun.

I’ve spoken to a fertility clinic and I need testing done to determine my egg reserve. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by costs and worried it’s too late already. I’d been trying around 2 months with previous partner. Both times period was late but then came and was vv heavy and painful.

Thanks so much. Glad to hear you managed well at 45. Was it natural? Or ivf? I think I’m struggling with knowing if I should risk trying own eggs first or donor

Natural but unplanned. Very much wanted, just a bit of a surprise.

Does your family have history of having babies late. I have four sisters, all had babies in their forties. My dm had two babies in her 40s. Maybe we have genes that lend themselves to having children later on.

My mum had me in her early 30s and her sister had 3 in her late 30s. I don’t know my dad’s side and am an only child myself so it’s totally unknown. I hope I have the lucky late pregnancy gene. I did have some dna testing done years ago and I was predicted to go through menopause after 50 due to a certain gene which I was quite pleased about so maybe that is a good sign

The average age of menopause IS age 51, but perimenopause starts much earlier, up to 10 years before.

You're too old.
You haven't even researched the risks, you've just latched onto what your GP said - do some actual research about the risks of a baby having a disability (in the unlikely event that you did manage to get pregnant and stay pregnant).
You think it will all work out if it's meant to be - maybe. But it could also be a disaster if you or the baby are seriously unwell.

Ok, I don’t have peri symptoms though. Surely that a good thing?

I have researched the risks. Embryos will be checked for abnormalities during ivf. It doesn’t take away all the risks, but it’s a good start. If I want to eliminate risks I could use a donor egg

Even a donor egg isn't risk free. I was at school with a girl who had a downs baby.

Using a donor egg means your children wouldn't be genetically related to each other.

Its also a massive age gap to manage, especially when you are on your own. I have similar gap, my oldest does things that involves 9.30 pick up, which means the LO gets dragged out instead of being put to bed.

Don't think because its a big gap they won't bicker and fight. They absolutely do.

Days out can be hard, oldest wants to do stuff LO is too small for and vice versa.

Have you considered fostering, which would let you skip the baby, toddler stages, and have a child that would be better company for your DD?

Donor eggs would not eliminate risks, just reduce, and they can’t screen for a whole host of disabilities anyway. Do more research OP, yours sounds pretty shaky all through this thread. I think if you are honest and realistic about it and the risks and the low chances of success then you will be more likely to be successful overall. Going straight to donor eggs may be the best bet.

Yes but it’s a risk we all take to have a child. Donor eggs from someone younger is no more risk than me trying when younger

You said it would eliminate risks, it doesn’t.

I’d rather stop at 1 if it meant my child wasn’t born from my own dna. Your children won’t be related.

Please consider talking to someone at the Donor Conception Network and/or a counsellor who specialises in fertility and donor conception. It seems quite likely, given your age, that you might need to use donor eggs, as well as donor sperm. This means that any child born will have no biological and genetic connection to a parent in its life. In my view that is quite different to having a child who has a genetic connection to at least one of its parents. Especially as the child will have a sibling who is biologically yours. You need to think beyond the baby stage and how the child might feel as they are growing up. Most DC children are well adjusted and happy, but most research is on those conceived by either donor eggs or donor sperm, not both. I’m
not aware of much research on those conceived by double donation. You might want to look into that.

If the child won't be yours biologically and won't have any contact with its biological father, I don't think it's worth putting yourself through all the risks of pregnancy and childbirth. If you really want another child why not consider adoption?

Fostering would mean a child coming in and out of our lives and I think that would be very traumatic for my 7 year old to cope with and would be incredibly irresponsible.

I’m very aware that using a donor egg abs sperm would mean the child isn’t genetically related to me.

I grew up not knowing my bio dad and having a stepdad. I don’t think a child has to be genetically yours for you to be able to love it. I think it’s really strange that people think like that tbh.

Adoption is very difficult. I know someone who adopted and has a child with lots of issues from the bio mother being an alcoholic when pregnant. Adoption isn’t the easy route at all.

It's not just about you though, is it. Children of donor eggs/sperm often have complicated feelings towards their parents. I'd read up on that.

This would be the same issue if I adopted though. People do adopt and have biological children. Look at Angelina Jolie.

I think people can be very traditional in their views of the right way a family should be created.

So can kids who are adopted? So can biological kids? I can’t possibly know how a child will feel in the future so not doing something that would benefit my existing child in a long term way because of something that may happen down the line seems a bit short sighted.

As far as I understand it’s no more risk than we all take when we conceive a child. There are absolutely no guarantees you will have a child without disabilities at any point in time. Donor eggs are usually from women under 35.

Adopting a child is different to creating a child.

You should categorically not have a child just to benefit your existing child.

That’s your choice. It doesn’t mean that’s what I’d do. Do you have more than one child? If so your opinion isn’t really relevant

So not eliminated then. Your body will still be very old for carrying a child so there are still risks to you. You are being quite ignorant on this thread about all the risks and points people are making, starting to feel like you are just here to goad people.

It’s not only to benefit my existing child. I always wanted another and always felt I was meant to have another. There are options available now to make that a reality if I can’t conceive naturally myself at my age. It’s not like I’m 50. Women do have babies at my age.

No risks can ever be eliminated is my point! Ever. No one can ever conceive a child at any age and be guaranteed the child won’t have a disability