Almost 44 and would love another baby

[Darklight1]

I was in a as relationship a few years ago and have a daughter who is 7. I’d always wanted more but split with her dad when she was 3. I met someone 2 years ago and we were trying for a baby. Rationship didn’t work out. I’ve found myself considering ivf or sperm donation. I’m almost 44 and feel like it’s now of never. I look after daughter mostly all alone. Dad sees her every other sat and sun.

I’ve spoken to a fertility clinic and I need testing done to determine my egg reserve. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by costs and worried it’s too late already. I’d been trying around 2 months with previous partner. Both times period was late but then came and was vv heavy and painful.

It will eliminate r increased age related risks due to my age. I may still try with my own eggs and see. I need to wait for the results of my tests to see what reserve I have etc.

There are extra risks in pregnancy with egg donation

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Egg and sperm donation are ethically murky practices.

You're keep only mentioning the benefits to yourself and your DD, you need to think about the potential child too.

The risks of pregnancy and childbirth and higher with your age though and that’s not something you can get around unless you don’t do it. So considering the risks to your health and the wellbeing of your existing child are also important. Hence suggesting you think about that and ensure there is support for yourself and daughter in place not just for the ‘2 weeks post birth’ as it will likely take much more than that. But your response to everything seems to be ‘waaa but me want baby’, having a baby at 45 (yes, you are old for it, no changing that) as a single parent comes with additional challenges and risks. Being ignorant about that will just make the challenges harder not easier as you won’t be prepared for them. And it makes it more unfair on your child, they can’t no about the challenges and risks you are facing, they are too young.

Personally id go straight to donor eggs as your chances of miscarriage are significantly higher with your own eggs even if you do have lots of them and I’d want to get through the process as quickly as possible once you start it.

A child does not have to be genetically yours for you to love it, of course not. I have a donor conceived child who I love the very bones of. But my child is genetically related to one of the two parents who are raising her and thus to her extended family on that side - and that connection is important to her. To have no biological connection to your only parent and your only sibling (who ARE biologically related to each other) is likely to be of great significance to any future child you might have. I’m not saying don’t do it, just think about it from the child’s POV and see what research is out there.

@Darklight1 you are always looking at it from your point of view and never the resultant child’s

I’m not 45. I’m 43. I am taking everything on board. I have also thought about asking 3 male friends who didn’t have the chance to have kids yet if they’d consider donating so child would have a bio dad. I’m still weighing up the options and pros and cons. I’m a little defensive as people keep pointing out the child wouldn’t be biologically mine if I used a donor egg - as though that thought hadn’t ever occurred to me

Totally understand this but they would be treated no differently by either of us. I have spoken to 3 male friends about the possibility of sperm donation so even if I use donor eggs child would know their bio dad. I think that would be the best scenario other than own eggs with friend donor

I think it’s pretty impossible to know how the child would feel further down the line. That’s why I haven’t overthought that as there’s no b way of knowing. I have done some research. I had previously thought it would be C a similar feeling to children who were adopted but realise it’s different. Children who were adopted know their bio parents made the decision to not keep them. This way child may see it for what it is - people donating so those who would love a baby and need help can have one. Not saying I have all the answers but I would hope child would know how much they were wanted and loved. I would talk to child openly about it from a young age so they were aware. I wouldn’t like it to come as a shock at some point.

It doesn’t matter that you would treat them no differently. It doesn’t matter if you love them to the ends of the earth. It may still matter to the child, and the teenager, and the adult they become, that they have no biological links to the only parent and sibling they’ll ever have. You are still seeing it from your viewpoint as a loving parent. The child will have their own feelings, no matter how loved and accepted they are.

If you’re using an anonymous donor egg and an anonymous donor sperm, you’re creating a human being that won’t grow up with either of its biological parents?!

That feels a little selfish imo.

Understand there’s no way of knowing how a child created with a donor egg or sperm would feel. That’s why ideally I’d try to use own eggs and a donor I know. If those options aren’t viable I would rethink.

I also don’t see it as selfish in the grand scheme of things. A child may indeed feel as you do about it. There’s no way of knowing. Would you think it was selfish if someone didn’t have any children and it was their only way of having a child?

Not necessarily. I know a family who've had the same foster child for 13 years.
The mum was a single parent, who died of cancer when they were about 5. There wasn't anyone in the family able to care for them full-time hence foster but still had contact with his grandparents.

If you use donors you are purposely creating a child who will not know one (or both of their parents). Adopted children are not created to give someone else a family, to not know their birth parents. It is circumstances that cause children to be adopted and it is only in last resort are children put up for adoption. And the child is always the first consideration. They are not a commodity to make a family for someone

I think sometimes you need to shelf what you want. You have a child that is healthy. At 44 your chances of a difficult pregnancy and a child with complication is much higher. I would worry about the long term impact of having a child with complications on your first DC. You also need to worry about your own health. I had my first at 40 and second at 42. I have since discovered a heart issue and worry about making it to my child's adulthood. Had I been able to have children before I would have but our fetility journey as long and arduous.

I'm not going to comment on the selfishness issue.

But I was 39 when I had my last baby, and it was a million times harder than when I had my first (at 26).

You'll be over 60 when your child is leaving school if you have a baby at 44. That's the age I was when I started to feel very worn out.

I’m 43 right now so not much older than you when you had your second. I have savings so wouldn’t work for at least the first year. I had my first at 35 ands had planned another with dad but things didn’t work out. He struggled to adjust to life with a child and didn’t want another but didn’t tell me until I was 40 and wanting to try for another. I feel like I’ve just got time to give it a go. It may not be the most sensible option but I really feel strongly about it. I’d hoped feelings would go in terms of another child but they’ve just got stronger.

Yes. A baby has a right to grow up with it’s biological parents. It’s obviously not always possible (eg a parent dies).

To create a baby with other parents‘ sperm or eggs seems selfish. It’s not what’s in the child’s best interest.

This is only your opinion though. I have no idea how anyone can think it selfish if a parent who may have fertility issues goes down the donor route. If anything it means the child is even more wanted.

There will always be people with strong issues either way and luckily I don’t share your views.

You are thinking only what’s in the best interest of your 7 year old, not what’s in the new baby‘s best interest. A baby that won’t know her father and potentially biological mother! And who’s older sister has both of these and spends weekends with her dad?!

That’s good to know and definitely a route I’d consider if I don’t go down the ivf route or it doesn’t work out. Thanks for this info. I had thought you fostered while child was waiting for adoption or until bio parents could have child back

I think many people are only thinking it’s bad to use donor eggs or sperm. That’s a different debate surely? Like I’ve said many times now my preference would be my own eggs plus sperm donor I know and I have male friends who have always wanted kids and it hasn’t happened so it could be a good thing for both of us. I have no ethical concerns with using donor eggs or sperm though if needed and don’t judge anyone who uses these routes to conceive children. There are many reasons why donors would be necessary in same sex couples for example and I personally don’t see it as being unethical

Plenty of kids don’t see their dads. I didn’t ever see my bio dad and tbh I would have preferred it if he had been a sperm donor in many ways as for me it would have made it easier to understand why he wasn’t involved in my life

I’m one of 5 siblings. I would have loved to be an only child!