Almost 44 and would love another baby

[Darklight1]

I was in a as relationship a few years ago and have a daughter who is 7. I’d always wanted more but split with her dad when she was 3. I met someone 2 years ago and we were trying for a baby. Rationship didn’t work out. I’ve found myself considering ivf or sperm donation. I’m almost 44 and feel like it’s now of never. I look after daughter mostly all alone. Dad sees her every other sat and sun.

I’ve spoken to a fertility clinic and I need testing done to determine my egg reserve. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by costs and worried it’s too late already. I’d been trying around 2 months with previous partner. Both times period was late but then came and was vv heavy and painful.

If you're are absolutely set on it then do NIPT to rule out syndromes and genetic disorders. Hopefully, you'll have happy and healthy children. I guess everything is a risk.

My eldest was a result of years of fertility treatment and youngest was a happy accident. My girls are perfect but they think the eldest has autism. I reckon the youngest might also have it. I don't know if my age was a factor. I reckon it probably was.. I don't think the high risk pregnancy, gestational diabetes etc helped.

You can't plan for everything but you can rule out what you can rule out.

Good luck whatever you decide.

You’re completely anti egg & sperm donation then? I think the odds would look favourably on how well much longed for donor babies are brought up than a large percentage of unwanted natural pregnancies. Billions of people don’t know a biological parent, not just through death.

Where are you planning on procuring the donor eggs from?

The fertility clinic that supplies them and performs the ivf treatment.

@Darklight1 a child may want/or know about their genetic parent, no matter how well cared for they are by parents who have used donor egg or sperm. In the old days adoption was all about how wonderful the adoptive parents were, not a care about the birth parent or the child. Now it is all about the child, what is best for them. Rules have changed in respect of door egg and donor sperm as (in this country at least) anonymous donation is no longer allowed. Gone are the days when male students supplemented their income by donating sperm. However, this still means the child is only given the data about the donor parent when they are 18. So it is still not all about the child, but it is a step in the right direction.

It’s unfortunate for those children & people who don’t know their biological parents, but sadly it sometimes happens.

To knowingly create a human knowing that they will be deprived of a biological parent (and their genetic background) is different imo. It’s driven by the desire of the adult, rather than the best interests of the baby.

You shouldn’t do this if you need to use donor eggs or sperm.

Never said it was the easy route.

My mum was an ‘only’ through choice of her parents .. she died aged 86 and not a day went passed that she didn’t hanker after a sibling.. she had 4 of us just to be sure we had lots of family support. (Which we do..) go for it OP you only know if you try ! xx

Looking at it from a purely financial angle, you'll spend the best part of £15k on three rounds of IVF which statistically are unlikely to be successful. That's money which you could surely put to good use for your existing child.

What about wanted natural pregnancies? Wouldn’t that be a fairer comparison?

That’s the thing - has research ever been carried out on outcomes of the mental health of adults born via egg / sperm donation, IVF or surrogacy? It’s easy to say they’re all fine, but where’s the proof? We already know that children who are adopted have worse mental health than non adopted adults.
We WANT to believe it’s all lovely and wonderful and altruistic, but we just don’t know.

A baby should not be produced to satisfy another human’s desires. You have absolutely no idea if having another child will ‘benefit’ your current child. You’re just guessing

Look at the forums where people are sharing their distressing experience of growing up without their biological parents, without a sense of identify…!

Why do you think your 7 year old will benefit from a baby sibling so much? Unless both parents are the same, it actually won’t be her biological sibling anyway.

@Limonades I’m not sure anyone is having a child because they’re selfless..

@JamesMacGill not a fairer comparison in the point that I was making to be honest. My point being there are millions of people having children every day that they don’t & can’t care for, which is a far larger problem than the OP having a very wanted child that she has the health and finances for. I wouldn’t say anyone is arguing that the easiest/best option is the same bio parents but in this day & age that’s idealistic and just not possible in this circumstance.

@Soontobe60 I don’t disagree at all, there should be studies into it. I also don’t believe all donor conceived children are fine, I know they aren’t. Neither are all none donor conceived adults either though. My lived experience is an adopted uncle on each of my parents sides, a sister who has no interest in meeting or contacting her biological dad and a friend with 2 mums. Of course all of them have had questions but none of them have sought to find their biological families. Whether that’s a coincidence or a product of being in very much loving families I guess we won’t know until there are studies. I’ve just grown up in a family that emphasises family as a unit rather than based on biological links. I am guessing your lived experience is with people who have mental health issues as a result of not knowing their roots though?

You’ve very naive if you think people donate eggs just to ‘help’ women who can’t have a baby with their own eggs. Donors actually donate for payment - they’re selling a part of their body. In the UK currently payment is £986. Some donors are persuaded to donate eggs as a means to pay towards their own IVF. Egg donation is a brutal and dangerous procedure.
https://www.thinkglobalhealth.org/article/money-and-risks-behind-human-egg-donation

£985 compensation is for travel costs, time out of work etc. It’s not formally a payment and completely different to the American system which you have posted a link to. It’s also quite a low risk procedure, I didn’t find it difficult myself to be honest but I’ll attach an overview. Are you donor conceived yourself?

There is lots of research on the outcomes for donor conceived children and adults . You can google it or find via the Donor Conception Network. It is overwhelmingly positive, except for those whose parents kept it a secret from them for a long time. Being open from the beginning is the way to go.

Is that research carried out by Donor Conception network? What are outcomes measured by?

No, it’s carried out by academics from around the world. The DCN are a good source of information and resources, but they don’t conduct research themselves.

most children are produced to satisfy the human desires of their parents aren’t they?

Well that's because some people are actually thinking of the child first.

By a mother and father who are producing a child from their own genetic material and who are around to raise the child. The child’s interest has to be considered!

Let’s be honest, it’s to benefit OP, not her existing kid.

If you want a baby go for it good luck 😊