Almost 44 and would love another baby

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I was in a as relationship a few years ago and have a daughter who is 7. I’d always wanted more but split with her dad when she was 3. I met someone 2 years ago and we were trying for a baby. Rationship didn’t work out. I’ve found myself considering ivf or sperm donation. I’m almost 44 and feel like it’s now of never. I look after daughter mostly all alone. Dad sees her every other sat and sun.

I’ve spoken to a fertility clinic and I need testing done to determine my egg reserve. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by costs and worried it’s too late already. I’d been trying around 2 months with previous partner. Both times period was late but then came and was vv heavy and painful.

My mum had me a month before her 43rd birthday. She has no regrets, obviously 🤣 I was her first though so it’s a bit different I realise. I don’t see anything wrong with this op. Just be prepared that it may not happen particularly if you did try for 2 years with another partner. And be aware that the risks of additional health needs and pregnancy losses increase with age. Do some research and go into it with your eyes open. As for losses, I miscarried my second pregnancy. It was complicated and traumatic, my GP said I’d been very unlucky. I was 30. As a comparison my mum had no losses at all (yes I’m aware this is all anecdotal)

I had my son at 42, it was incredibly hard work. I really felt my age sometimes and I had a hands on partner. He is now 16, I'm 57 it really keeps me so young ...just be prepared after 40 you definitely feel older and probably will need more support than you did with your daughter

Sorry Op i think 44 is just too old. You'll be in your 60s when they are still in school.

Limits your chances of early retirement. If.your still paying for a student.

Then consider managing 2 kids at completely different stages in life. Even getting to the pictures can be a mission

So no one should have another baby if they already have a child that’s older and wouldn’t want to do the same things!!

Why would you think that? Having a sibling is perfectly normal. It creates a broader family, the OP has left enough of a gap that she won't struggle with two in nappies, and most dcs quite like babies.

What a weird negative comment.

So I have decided not to do this as I don't want one child not to have a dad when the other does. (I also quite like my time off). However, if my ex wasn't an abusive bully, what I might consider is doing what Katherine Ryan does in 'the duchess' as asking my first daughter's father to be the donor sperm.Would mean your daughter has a full sibling, you will eventually get every other weekend off and no guilt that one has a dad and the other doesn't! Could that be worth a try?

Also, if you told your ex you were strongly considering going ahead anyway and he just has first refusal on the sperm and it would be better for your existing daughter if you use his sperm, he might be more keen then if it
Was 'shall I have another baby or not'

I think it would be more unfair on the second child who wouldn't have a second parent

OP, I had my ds at 45 and it was easy, no nausea, no problems, worked full time until 38 weeks. Healthy ds, 50th percentile. Mumsnet is always against having babies later, but every woman in my family has had babies in their 40s, carried on with their careers etc. It's a completely normal thing to do.

You seem to have a calm and realistic view of the chances. If you are fit & healthy and have the resources to offer another child a good life, go for it. Good luck. x

If you want another baby you go for it forget what other people think and speak to your friend you could do it together good luck

Yes, I absolutely don’t know the stats for these things. It’s absolutely something to take seriously. Thanks for highlighting this. I think I’m just being very wishful thinking and with the mindset of if it’s meant to be It will be. I need to consider all options though

OP, on balance Mumsnet is always against older moms whether you already have a child or it's your first.

Give it a try. You want another child, your daughter wants a sibling, looks like you have a support system, so why not? I wish you the very best.

I see their point, I never had a dad (unknown to mum) and I was, still am, bitter about my younger sibling who went off to stay with her dad every weekend. Love my younger sibling dearly and even though we’re genetically half siblings, neither of us have ever considered it as such.
Swings and roundabouts and pros and cons with any and all decisions, OP do what feels right for you, none of us can ever really know the perfect decisions, that’s the beauty of everyone being imperfect.

Haha, sorry - I was looking for a curious emoji!

Have you contacted the Donor Conception Network UK Charity to talk to others who may have been in the same position as you? They might be able to put you in touch with other “mixed families” as they call them, to find out how the DC manage when one of them has a Dad but the other doesn’t.

I’m not judging you for considering an unconventional family btw- I’m a SMBC of a toddler DC by sperm donor IVF (he’s my only child). But I personally don’t think I’ll have IVF again to try for a sibling, as much as I desperately want one for him. At age 44 I’m not sure I can justify the huge cost, stress and time away from him, as it would likely take multiple rounds to stand any chance of success at all at this age 😢 (and IUI is a no- go btw, even in your late 30’s the success rates are incredibly low).

Ultimately it's your choice. If I were you I'd concentrate on the child i have. Not hankering after what I dont have.

That isn’t necessarily the case. I had my DC at 43 and retired before they left primary school as I had built up decent pension and savings having had a very good career before they were born.

Logistically it has been much easier for me to be retired in my early 50’s with a primary age school child than it has been for younger working parents of DCs classmates.

I was thinking the same thing. I would ask the ex if it were me. If he’s not moved on maybe he would agree to it.

Considering you already have a daughter who has a sort of involvement father, it wouldn't be good to have a new baby with a donor who may never know his father.

However, if you have a friend who would be willing to be your donor, and you know is a responsible and honorable person, I'd go ahead.

Don’t do this, at 4; and a single mum it’s really unwise. A disabled child that takes all of your time is not what your daughter wants

I think it’s a terrible idea!

Your younger child will grow up without a father, while seeing their sister enjoy weekends with her father?!

The age difference of 7 years is huge and your children will never be able to enjoy activities or holidays doing things together

You are far too old - way too risky and you’ll be paying uni fees well into you late 60s.

God no peri will hit you whilst you have to parent a toddler.

Having a child with a sperm donor has a lot of potential problems later. My friend did it, and the child is furious that they were deprived of the opportunity to have a father. They can’t forgive her for what they see as total selfishness on her part.

At age 45, there is a 1 in 30 risk of Downs Syndrome. You mentioned possibly adopting if IVF doesn't work - surely this is more sensible than IVF?

I have a friend who had another baby in her mid-forties (after a gap) and she is KNACKERED. All the time. It seems to be a lot harder due to lower energy levels and I don’t think she is really enjoying it to be honest. Plus, she’s older than the other mums which is also isolating in its own way. These are just a couple of things I’ve observed. I’m sure there are more.