Called off the wedding - should I still attend his family wedding this weekend?

[TheEventMum]

Hi all,
I’m looking for some perspective and practical advice.

Yesterday I told my partner that I’m calling off our wedding and that I don’t feel able to legally commit to someone who doesn’t want to put ongoing effort into our partnership. We’ve been together for 5 years and have two very young children. This isn’t a sudden decision – it’s after a long time of asking for basic emotional effort, affection and engagement, which hasn’t changed.

The conversation was calm and amicable, but it’s obviously very raw and new.

The complication is that we’re due to attend his family wedding this Saturday. I’m now unsure whether it’s appropriate (or sensible) for me to go, given what’s just been said, especially as extended family don’t know what’s happening yet.

I don’t want to cause upset or draw attention away from the couple getting married, but I also don’t want to do the wrong thing emotionally or practically by turning up and pretending everything is fine.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

did you attend or decline?
what did you say if you didn’t go?
hindsight, what was the least awkward / least painful option?

I’d really appreciate experiences rather than judgement – everything feels very fresh and I’m trying to navigate this calmly, especially with young children involved.

Thank you.

I wouldn't go. There is always the possibility of someone finding out and then there will be drama and the couple getting married don't deserve that.

I'd get used to not going to stuff from his side of the family. I assume you're spitting up not just not getting married.

I don't agree with people who suggest marrying him anyway then divorcing him. Who needs that's kind of aggravation?

In my opinion, your priority should be moving forward and what's happening with your kids. Regardless of being married or not, you will still be tied to him through the children so for their sakes you need a plan.

I think the real issue is figuring out if your husband is aware you’re leaving him or not as it’s not quite clear! He may be ‘avoidant’ but you don’t seem unproblematic either….just leave it until after Christmas if you have two young kids. Why create all this drama right now and ruin all sorts including Christmas and a wedding? If you can’t go and be pleasant then fake the flu. Take the time to book a couples therapist and work out how to do this in a mature manner.

No, don’t go. Everyone will be saying “ooo, it’s you next!” You’ll have to explain that actually it isn’t. This will get back to DPs family who will confront him for not telling anyone….

All in all, it will put a dampener on the day of a couple you actually like.

If you have split up dont attend the wedding it isnt appropriate and will send your ex wrong message. I might be happy to make an excuse like being ill to avoid it being a topic if conversation at the wedding, but i wouldnt go pretending all fine. Recipie for disaster after a few drinks.

Ffs why the angst? No one needs to know that you called off the wedding, go or don’t go. Your choice

If you aren’t together then don’t go. At the very least for the bride and grooms sake who won’t want a random woman in their wedding photos forever more.

Fair point.

So go.

At this point you and DP have simply discussed splitting. You haven’t formally agreed it, he hasn’t accepted it, nor have you announced it.

So go.

At this point you and DP have simply discussed splitting. You haven’t formally agreed it, he hasn’t accepted it, nor have you announced it.

Exactly. At this point OP has simply said she doesn’t want to get married. They haven’t split up. He doesn’t seem to think they’re going to. They’re still living together.

Not sure why people are advising you to marry him. Absolutely do not. Yes your pension will be affected due to the years you’ve been part time and he clearly hasn’t so has been paying into his pension at same rate pre children. But why would you marry someone you don’t want to be with anymore so you can claim a few years pension? Then all the hassle and expense of a divorce, what, one year after the wedding. Don’t do that OP. If he isn’t objecting, go to the wedding, but leave before anyone gets too drunk and any potential arguments as you can’t have that at someones wedding.

You are de facto spouses as you live together and have children together. Effectively you have just initiated a split. My view is that Saturday isn’t about you. You accepted the invitation. The seating plans are set. The food is paid for. There will be lots of future occasions when you need to come together as parents of your children, so you may as well get in the habit of it. Go to the wedding. Be polite. Don’t share your private relationship plans until afterwards. Maybe after Christmas even.

Ummmmmm …. The whole point is they are NOT married and not going to be … did you misread?

Ok so yes - I was thinking getting divorced rather than not getting married. My point still stands though. The couple whose wedding they are going to will still have sorted everything for both of them by now.

What did you do @TheEventMum?

Part of his pension and you would probably be entitled to more than 50/50 as you've taken a financial hit from having children.