Called off the wedding - should I still attend his family wedding this weekend?

[TheEventMum]

Hi all,
I’m looking for some perspective and practical advice.

Yesterday I told my partner that I’m calling off our wedding and that I don’t feel able to legally commit to someone who doesn’t want to put ongoing effort into our partnership. We’ve been together for 5 years and have two very young children. This isn’t a sudden decision – it’s after a long time of asking for basic emotional effort, affection and engagement, which hasn’t changed.

The conversation was calm and amicable, but it’s obviously very raw and new.

The complication is that we’re due to attend his family wedding this Saturday. I’m now unsure whether it’s appropriate (or sensible) for me to go, given what’s just been said, especially as extended family don’t know what’s happening yet.

I don’t want to cause upset or draw attention away from the couple getting married, but I also don’t want to do the wrong thing emotionally or practically by turning up and pretending everything is fine.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

did you attend or decline?
what did you say if you didn’t go?
hindsight, what was the least awkward / least painful option?

I’d really appreciate experiences rather than judgement – everything feels very fresh and I’m trying to navigate this calmly, especially with young children involved.

Thank you.

You say you have the mega flu that is going round and don’t go. Tell everyone after Christmas.

You're not missing anything

On Mumsnet, there is a the old fashioned trope that all women are vulnerable un-married. In my case, I became worse off when I got married as I earn more and have more in assets than my husband..

You crack on.. sounds like its a good decision to end the relationship. Whether to go to the wedding? Depends - someone else's wedding is not the place for your separation to become top gossip. If you can keep this to yourselves, I'd attend and celebrate the happy couple. If not, I'd make my excuses.. there is a lot of norovirus around at this time of year....

Be strategically sick.

You need to wise up and quickly!

Agree. You don't sound at all sure about your relationship status. If you're broken up, why would you consider going to a wedding on his side? That doesn't make sense to me.

I would never marry for financial advantage, standing at the altar saying til death do us part does mean something to most people and it would be a lie to yourself and a lie to him.

I'd not attend, say you have Covid/flu, and take time to work out the status of your relationship before announcing it to everyone.

One thing is true, though, he isn't going to change.

In a longer relationships with children and where the woman earns less (gender pay gap) and goes part time or stays at home as full time parent, whilst taking a career hit for long term earnings, reduced personal savings and pension, then marriage is the safer option.

In a divorce marriage gives you rights that a living together partnership doesn't. Women with dependent kids get screwed over all the time when a realtionship ends. Marriage is a financial safety net for many of them if a divorce happens.

In your case, if the house/mortgage is legally 50/50 and you both have no substantial savings and pensions are equal or yours is better, then splitting up whilst partners vs married isn't an issue.

But it absolutely isn't 'stealing his money' if on divorce a woman gets her fair financial share.

No, but if you "have" to go part time because he won't help with child care then you're already subsidizing him by not being married. You do his half of the childcare for free. Not that you should get married but girl go back to full-time work!

I haven't had personal experience of a break up where kids or shared property are involved, but do know a friend of a friend who decided to leave her partner who she has 2 kids with and a shared mortgage. He moved back in with his parents, quit his job so he has no income and therefore no child maintenance to pay and has refused to pay the mortgage/bills since. She's since been struggling to keep on top of the house-related costs to keep a roof over her and her kids heads. He seemed like a nice, reasonable guy before the split, but think he was very wounded by her leaving him and has had quite an unexpected, spiteful reaction. The fact a father could do this knowing his children would suffer is awful to me.

Sorry I know this story isn't directly related to your question, but I'm mentioning this as a sort of worst case scenario to prepare yourself for, and to suggest you do what you can to keep things as amicable as possible until you've agreed what to do with the house you own together. Which includes how you handle the attendance of this wedding.

I know you like his family and friends and would like to enjoy this event with them, but they will naturally prioritise their relationship with your partner once they know of your break up.

I'd ask your partner what he would prefer you do, as long as you've made it very clear that your relationship is over. I'm sure there will be a lot of events over Christmas that you have planned - make a plan for the festive period in general. Either agree to pretend everything is okay until the New Year, or agree that you're going to have terrible flu and not being attending anything with his family (or he pretends to have flu for plans with your family), or agree to tell your family and friends the truth (but I'd do that just after the wedding to avoid detracting from that event).

One other bit of advice, if you have a dog or any other pet, don't leave it behind/let him take it with him unless you're happy to let it go. My other friend who divorced her husband a few years ago left her dog with him (thinking it would just be for a few days/weeks) when she left with the kids to "soften the blow" in the hope it would make the transition easier. She's not seen the dog since and there's no legal recourse for her to get the dog back. He didn't even like the dog, he's just being spiteful as he knows she adores the dog.

You can't go to a family wedding with your stbxh. It's such poor reading of the situation to rock up under the circumstances

OP, it sounds like you want to go and presumably there will be people at the wedding with whom you will have an ongoing relationship (not least your children's grandparents) and who will be sorry if you're not there. If that is the case, then the next question is, can you be absolutely certain that you going will not result in anything that tarnishes the evening for the happy couple? That is, can you and STBX paint on a convincing happy smile? No atmosphere, and certainly no tears or boozy arguments.....If you're 100% sure you can manage that, then I say go. But have a plan to deal with comments and questions about your wedding: I would go with a breezy "Oh God, it's SO MUCH planning, I'm having a day off thinking about it" and then change the subject.

Separately, I'm sorry about the situation you find yourself in and I hope you manage to resolve things as painlessly as possible. It's a brave move to take action now rather than to sleepwalk into a marriage that you know won't be happy.

Did you even read the OP?

I'm in a minority but I think you should go. Explain to him that it doesn't mean the relationship is back on but you don't want to detract from the bride and groom's day and you should be amicable for a few hours. You can only be 'ill' if you can trust him to maintain the story. If you do go he might blab anyway but that's on him.

Haven't read all your replies but from what I have I'd say go to the wedding and have fun. It's so close so go, if anyone brings up the subject of your wedding just vaguely reply or say about focussing on the happy couple in front of them.

Tell your ex not to tell anyone. Be careful with alcohol as it might heighten emotions. In fact, I'd probably drive just in case you and the kids need a swift exit.

As for getting married to get half... mind blown! Some people actually believe in marriage.

Out of respect to your family getting married this month,
Yes, you do need to pretend for a few more weeks and allow them to be the couple who everyone is thinking about. If guests talk about your nuptials, be ready to laugh and remind them that it is 'Fred and Flo's big day today.'

It would be very rude to mention your woes to family right now.
Wait a month after the wedding and then send out Don't Save The Date cards.
Discuss with DH and formulate what it is that will happen in a month.
Until then, be polite adults and respectful to each other.
You have children so learning to attend functions together is sensible.

That's how I read it too OP which is totally wrong imo
I think you should go to the wedding, why not?
You have created a family together.
Don't torture yourself with recent events and communication.
You have 2 very young children, I hope you don't mind me saying that there is a possibility that it could be a wake up call for him.
Enjoy the wedding

As your non fiancé is fine with you attending, how you feel about the couple getting married should dictate whether you go or not.

Do you care about them, and want to celebrate their marriage? Or are you going simply as a plus one?

It’s alot of unnecessary drama to announce a breakup and non attendance to someone’s wedding 48 hours before the event. So I’d probably attend, and address logistics and admin of cancelling your wedding in the new year.

Only do this if you can both be civil and not make a scene at the wedding. If you can put things aside and celebrate this couples wedding without drama, then it’s an option to go. I’d try and make myself scarce in photos, so you don’t ruin them by having his ex in all of them!

Your partner's family will be attending the wedding, and I think it's going to be very difficult to avoid questions regarding your 'upcoming' wedding. You would have to be a good actor, to make people believe all is OK with your relationship. It will be emotionally draining and stressful. From my understanding you haven't just cancelled your wedding, you've decided that your relationship has run it's course and are separating. At the moment, you haven't worked out any details with your partner, so even if you do tell people, you can't answer any questions. I'd make an excuse not to attend the wedding, and let your partner go by himself. As for marrying him, so you gain financially during the divorce - is it really worth all the hassle? If your pension is worth more, and you have the potential to earn more than your partner, and your only other asset is the house you share, I see no point. Of course it means your partner's only obligation is to financially support his children, not you. Like someone else said, you can't marry on a Saturday and divorce on the Monday, so you'd have to stay married for a time, even if it was the shortest time possible.

It's important not to pull focus from your ex's family friend's wedding, so that almost certainly means not going to the wedding.

But let's game out the high risk option of attending... If you were to go, there would inevitably be lots of questions about your wedding coming up next etc - so you would have to lie, or drop the bombshell. What would you say - quite difficult to obfuscate on specific direct questions... Add in high emotions and alcohol - it could be a mess. You'd either need to let your ex believe you weren't serious about ending it, and play along with being happy families, or be very confident he could go in the knowledge you're not broken up and not make a scene.

I think the best option would be to agree with your ex that you will not attend, and agree an excuse - eg. you have the flu. Ex needs to agree to go along with this white lie, and then you can tell everyone the truth a few days after the wedding, when focus has shifted away from the bride and groom and back onto Christmas.

If your ex won't agree to this white lie about your non-attendance, he's pretty much forcing your hand to tell the truth about why you're not going, and so you'd need to do this ASAP (like - today) by messaging everyone you know who will be there with the basic facts, so they have 48 hours to get it out of their system and gossip etc before the big day. This isn't ideal - the white lie that you have the flu would be better.

Agree this sucks, but you can't let the fact you were looking forward to attending play into the decision. It's their day, and you risk pulling focus by being there. And besides - if you're breaking up, you will be seeing much less of the extended family going forwards. They might not want you in photos etc when you're about the be the ex.

I think this is the best response really, only go if you think you can be civil between you and not kick up a fuss. I guess it realy depends who already knows?
But I would probably still go myself - especially if you're close with some of the guests etc. I think the couple would be a bit sad if you didn't go as it's such a waste of money as well!

Okay fair enough I see your point

"Oh God, it's SO MUCH planning, I'm having a day off thinking about it" is a very good response if you do decide to go. Kind of make it your schtick throughout the event when people ask you about yours - you've told yourself you're going to fully enjoy THIS wedding before thinking about your own.

Are you splitting up then? Or you've just told him that as things stand you won't marry him?

In terms of the wedding you're both invited to, I think it depends how things are between you but personally I think regardless I'd be ill and stay home as I wouldn't want to risk an arguement, sad/awkward convos, etc on someone else's special day.

In terms of calling off the wedding I agree with you that you should NOT get married to someone who isn't what you want emotionally from a partner.

I know a lot of mn advocate for marriage as security but personally I regard it as a complicated tie to someone making it more complicated to part ways. Some say that makes me cynical, I say practical.

Don’t go, but say you aren’t well. You don’t have to tell people yet, and it would be crappy to do so at someone else’s wedding,

You have flu or the children do. Pick who and stick to it.

Let him go alone if he wants.

if he tells them and then you’re questioned

‘it was important I didn’t overshadow the day with our breakup that’s why I asked him not to share yet and I stayed home’

whatever you do you’ll be damned though. So just stay away from it. Dignity intact.