Called off the wedding - should I still attend his family wedding this weekend?

[TheEventMum]

Hi all,
I’m looking for some perspective and practical advice.

Yesterday I told my partner that I’m calling off our wedding and that I don’t feel able to legally commit to someone who doesn’t want to put ongoing effort into our partnership. We’ve been together for 5 years and have two very young children. This isn’t a sudden decision – it’s after a long time of asking for basic emotional effort, affection and engagement, which hasn’t changed.

The conversation was calm and amicable, but it’s obviously very raw and new.

The complication is that we’re due to attend his family wedding this Saturday. I’m now unsure whether it’s appropriate (or sensible) for me to go, given what’s just been said, especially as extended family don’t know what’s happening yet.

I don’t want to cause upset or draw attention away from the couple getting married, but I also don’t want to do the wrong thing emotionally or practically by turning up and pretending everything is fine.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

did you attend or decline?
what did you say if you didn’t go?
hindsight, what was the least awkward / least painful option?

I’d really appreciate experiences rather than judgement – everything feels very fresh and I’m trying to navigate this calmly, especially with young children involved.

Thank you.

The thing is the wedding is in the evening the actual wedding breakfast starts at 6pm so it’s not an all day wedding admittedly the ceremony starts at around 4pm but I don’t think it would be as bad a full day one?

Do not go to the wedding. Pull the sick card. Plenty going round at the moment.
leave Christmas as is.
revisit the separation discussion after the new year when life is less stressful.

Just dont go - be ill

I went with my then partner to a family wedding as we were in the process of splitting up. Mainly because I didn’t want the drama overshadowing the event, and because I didn’t want to tell anyone there why I was on my own.
It was OK and I don’t remember any ‘you’ll be next’ comments. We did a lot of circulating separately.

Absolutely do not go. I think you're in denial because if you accepted that you have broken up with him, you would not even entertain the idea of going.

Would you manage the ceremony and the meal and slip away after? You sound like you want to go just to save any attention being on you not being there, which is fair I suppose.

I agree and this is what I'd do, for yourself but also for the wedding couple. Don't let anything detract from their day at this stage and enjoy the event.

It really won't make any odds to your partner as you say he's avoidant. He didn't want to get married anyway, so just procrastinate while you decide what to do long term for the best and obviously, marrying isn't in that picture. Good luck.

The wedding is for his friends and family members so dont go. Say you are ill, if your STBX chooses to tell people about your breakup that's his choice.

No idea why people on this thread are trying to get you to change your decision about splitting up, you are allowed to end your relationship if you aren't happy.

It's disappointing to miss out on an event you've looked forward to but a longer term consequence of splitting means a shift in your relationship with his family and friends with your ex becoming responsible for facilitating that for your children. Kindly, you've only been together a few years and unless you had pre-existing friendships before getting together the chances are that most of his relatives will fade away over time. No doubt this is a huge source of sadness and these are things you can work through in the new year.

For this weekend stay home, keep childcare arrangements in place and have a peaceful weekend.

Just message the bride or groom explain you are so sorry but cant attend as your relationship with X is over and you dont want to create any weirdness at their wedding so you are letting them know in advance.

I would say don't go as it is his family wedding & as such you are invited as his "+1" aren't you?

Why would the timing make a difference? You either broken up or you haven’t

If you don’t go, what might he say to friends and relatives?
If you do go, what might he say to friends and relatives, especially if he’s had a drink?

Do you regard the relationship as over and does he understand that.

Hard disagree. Why should she have to shoulder all the financial burden of their joint children? Marriage and divorce protects that.

partners can leave a woman high and dry and financially fucked for years and years

Don't marry him (and don't go to the wedding if feelings between you are raw and it'd be adding alcohol to that) but do try and reframe your thinking to a separation or you could end up throwing money at him.

It doesn't matter if you could earn more than him it matters if you have less income and pension than you would have without kids. You compare this impact to how having kids has affected him. It's this differential impact that needs to be fair, not the exact amount you earn. If you've gone part time, so he hasn't needed to, that should be recognised.

Don't go. This is raw for both of you. Throw alcohol into the mix and it's not going to help.
I'd fake a gastro bug and just say you cant attend. Not worth the risk

talk about derailing a post! why is the OP's decision to marry relevant here in her original question? My opinion would be to still go to the wedding but it depends on how close you are to them. My best friend came to mine when her marriage had broken down, with their young children and now exH, she didn't tell me the extent of the issues she was having and put a brave face on and made my day extra special and I was none the wiser. Eternally grateful that I was oblivious but look back on it that she put others first and didn't want to spoil my day. I know your situation is slightly different but just go and don't tell anyone yet.. sometimes these life changing decisions take time to process. If you can agree to put your feelings aside for the bride and groom then I would say go.

I think it depends on how sure you are that the relationship is over. If you are absolutely certain that you are done, then a clean break is the best way, and not going to the wedding will be the best way to communicate this to your ex and everyone else. If you want to leave the door slightly open, go to the wedding.

I think you should go: Have a grown up conversation with him so that you can agree on what you will say or not say and how you can make it work both being there: They are your friends too and it is very last minute to cancel both because they have arranged it with you involved (so not cheap and seating plan etc), they want you there and it would put attention on you two if only one of you arrived: Just go and enjoy it and be civilised to each other: Good luck!

Oh stay home with your beautiful children! And end the relationship - if you’re calling off your wedding because you will prob divorce, you know it’s not right. Just end it and rip the plaster off!

Don't go. You'll be in pictures and it'll be very hard for him to face his family if you try and fake it for the day.
If you've called off the wedding, he's likely very upset and hurt and it's not fair to do that and then turn up at a family even and act like everything is normal. Let him have his support around him without you.

I think it would be incredibly insensitive and selfish to go

Do not go.

Out of respect for the happy couple, a polite lie would be appropriate. Your child care has fallen through is an obvious one.

Breaking news of your split at the wedding would take attention away from them. However, he gets to handle it his way. If he doesn’t want to lie, that is his perogative.

You'd say so? That's not very clear. Does your partner/ex know if you ended the relationship or not?
If partner/ex is comfortable with it, you should attend and act normal. Someone else's wedding is the last place to be announcing that another wedding has been called off.

It correct answer is that she should have married before having children.

Doing it now when she knows full well that she doesn’t love him or want to be with him is calculated and completely diminishes marriage.

Oh god don't go.
My Ex persuaded me to come to his sister's wedding when we were all but over so he could avoid questions and as we were planning to stay friends. It was awful, I felt so awkward! Especially having the inevitable chats with his family about when/if we were getting married.
Plus I'm in a load of the photos! Every year she or her husband posts them on Facebook and I feel the shame!

Ask yourself why do you actually still want to go?

Youve just ended the relationship with this man, why would you want to go to a wedding with him where you’ll have to spend time together in an environment that’s all about love?

If you’re doing it to save face you’re just putting off the inevitable. You’ve finished it, it’s over. People will find out and life will move on. You don’t need to go and pretend everything’s ok and also It’s not fair to go and tell people the truth as it pulls shine from the bride and groom.

Don’t go.