Called off the wedding - should I still attend his family wedding this weekend?

[TheEventMum]

Hi all,
I’m looking for some perspective and practical advice.

Yesterday I told my partner that I’m calling off our wedding and that I don’t feel able to legally commit to someone who doesn’t want to put ongoing effort into our partnership. We’ve been together for 5 years and have two very young children. This isn’t a sudden decision – it’s after a long time of asking for basic emotional effort, affection and engagement, which hasn’t changed.

The conversation was calm and amicable, but it’s obviously very raw and new.

The complication is that we’re due to attend his family wedding this Saturday. I’m now unsure whether it’s appropriate (or sensible) for me to go, given what’s just been said, especially as extended family don’t know what’s happening yet.

I don’t want to cause upset or draw attention away from the couple getting married, but I also don’t want to do the wrong thing emotionally or practically by turning up and pretending everything is fine.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

did you attend or decline?
what did you say if you didn’t go?
hindsight, what was the least awkward / least painful option?

I’d really appreciate experiences rather than judgement – everything feels very fresh and I’m trying to navigate this calmly, especially with young children involved.

Thank you.

Oh for goodness sake ….
slap a smile on your face and go. You’ve been looking fwd to it. Pack up your troubles temporarily.

Don’t tell anyone your news to ruin the day. Keep it quiet.

Sort out your relationship practicalities whenever, but for now, keep it quiet and dignified.

Some people are saying to get married anyway not to “steal all his money” but because it’s quite often the case that women end up disadvantaging themselves financially after children (sometimes they bear the cost of maternity leave themselves, they may pause work or work part time which affects their income and pension). If this has gone on for a while, and the woman has disadvantaged herself financially to allow space for the man to earn more for the family, but they’re not married, then when they separate she would have no access to any of the money / resources he’s got in his name, enabled by her part time work.

Anyway, sounds like that’s not an issue for you. So that’s fine.

If you’ve split up or are v likely to do so, and the wedding is definitely off, I think I’d not go. There would be lots of people saying “ooh, you two next, tell us about your wedding plans”, not least his parents, and if I’m not able to tell the truth or cover up convincingly, it’s best to stay out of it. Might be easier for just your partner to field questions if you’re not there as a couple.
If you think you’d be ok with that chat, and with the feeling of being at a wedding when you’ve just called yours off, then it’d be ok to go I think. I wouldn’t worry too much about what “messages” it gives your partner - you’ll both have so much to sort through, this is the least of it.

Wishing you strength and best of luck

Say you are unwell.

i don’t understand why you didn’t wait a few more days until after this wedding to tell him your decision, it would have saved all this angst!

I have read all of OP's posts and I am still not clear whether she has called off the wedding but intends to remain in the relationship, or whether she and her partner are separating.

Editing as I realise I didn't address the dilemma in the OP - show your face at the wedding for a few hours and keep this information private for a bit longer. It's not about you. If you really can't do that then fake a stomach bug and leave him to go without you.

Oh I completely agree!! My idea was to wait until after Christmas but he outright asked me a few days ago about what we were doing for the wedding and I said is prefer to discuss it after Christmas as it’s not a nice conversation… and before I knew it I said it.

I would tell people sooner rather than later so they don’t buy gifts and order outfits, arrange childcare, taxis and book the day off work.
You said you’ve been looking forward to this wedding all year so people will be preparing for yours.

I would not attend there will be too many awkward questions. Its a definite no no!

If you are 100% decided the relationship is over then don’t go, blame childcare and stay home. If you are still working at the relationship then go and spend the time together. Just try to avoid confusing him if you are certain it’s over as it won’t help either of you in the long run

This. You'll be asked about your wedding. Get a "sick bug".

I definitely wouldn’t go. What’s the point? And frankly weddings aren’t much fun when you wrangling small children, especially in this weather when you won’t be able to let them loose outside. It does give you an easy excuse though. Just say one of them is ill. Or simply it’s too much for two small children and you can’t do it.

I agree it will be "you are next" etc it would be just awkward.

Children aren’t invited

You say you’re unwell & cant attend.
Let ex decide if they’re still going. Make sure you notify the bride & groom of absence so they can invite anyone they had to miss off. Apologise profusely. If they ask, it’s a bad cold / the flu but you don’t want to risk so many people’s Christmas. It’s the kindest way imo.

She already said children aren’t invited

I said is prefer to discuss it after Christmas as it’s not a nice conversation…

Oh come on OP, no one would be told that and just accept it! Of course that would lead to a larger conversation.

In fairness, I think if you have made the decision then it's only fair to tell him now, why should you have to sit with over Christmas while he gets to enjoy himself, neither of you sound like you really want to get married anyway!

Do his parents know it's been called off?

1. You're doing exactly the right thing, ignore the old fashioned views here and crack on with your life. The happiest demographic are unmarried women and single mothers with shared custody. The unhappiest? Take a guess...
2. Don't go to the wedding

I think, as much as you might try to look ‘normal’ , there is going to be tension zinging off you and you are going to get polite chit chat enquiries about your forthcoming wedding. I would not go in the circumstances, nice venue or not.

I think it’d be really awkward op. But sacrificing one fun day out is pretty minor compared to the huge win if not shackling yourself to a dead weight of a man.

I wouldn't go. If everyone there knows you are meant to be getting married soon, there will be lots of talk of "You're next!" and chat about your wedding plans.

Telling people it has been called off might be seen as ruining the mood at someone else's wedding, but it would also be difficult for you to slap on a smile and pretend to be excited about an event that is not going to happen.

It's cold and flu season - no one will question it if you are 'too ill' to attend.

I would suggest not going to the wedding. I went to a big party with my ex-wife just after we'd decided to split, and it was a disaster.

Any posters saying "just get married anyway and try and get money from a divorce split" - this is ridiculous. You are putting yourself through years of emotional trauma and may end up with nothing to show from it - you can't just marry someone on Monday and divorce them on Tuesday and suddenly be entitled to half their stuff: English Law just doesn't work like that. Indeed, if it came out in court that you'd intended to divorce him from day 1 I wouldn't be surprised if you're more likely to be told to pay him compensation. Your partner already has a responsibility to help pay for bringing up the children whether you're married or not - and if you want to leave just leave. Mental health is worth way more than money.

Don’t go to the wedding. My DHs brother had split from his wife a few months before our wedding but DHs family made them swear not to tell us and insisted they both came. Unbeknownst to us my BIL shared a room with my FIL and my poor ex SIL shared with my MIL. They told us about 6 months later. This was 25 years ago and I have photos from my wedding I cannot look at with out feeling excruciating second hand embarrassment because my ex SIL (who I am still friends with now) was forced to pretend she was happily married so as not to upset us. Bottom line is your relationship imploding will not ruin the bride and grooms day. You going and having to lie might not sit very well with them later.

Some of these responses are wild.

They outcome entirely depends on how civil you can both be on the day, and if it’ll trigger a big negative reaction from your now ex. Obviously it’s better not to be married to him in your situation and it’s better to move on if he’s not being a good partner to you.

I think don't go. It might all come tumbling out - as you say, you opened your mouth and it just fell out, which in my experience is what happens when things desperately need to be said - so don't go, don't chance to spoil their day.

It's a shame you will miss out on an occasion you were looking for, but do something nice for yourself instead. Maybe dress up and go somewhere for the afternoon? Dress up and go sit in a beautiful Christmassy window somewhere and think? Breaking up is a massive deal - your whole future has just changed for the better....

I think you have done the right thing. Now you have to work out what happens next. Which is Christmas for the kids. And keeping your head. You can get to work in January.

I would also avoid talking to him if possible. Keep a low profile, keep off hot topics and focus on the children. You can work it all out in private in January.

Have you got anyone you can talk to?

If you are actually breaking up the relationship then I would let him go and spend time surrounded by his family and friends, having you there when he’s trying to come to terms with you leaving him will set him back in the journey of acceptance and moving forward.