Called off the wedding - should I still attend his family wedding this weekend?

[TheEventMum]

Hi all,
I’m looking for some perspective and practical advice.

Yesterday I told my partner that I’m calling off our wedding and that I don’t feel able to legally commit to someone who doesn’t want to put ongoing effort into our partnership. We’ve been together for 5 years and have two very young children. This isn’t a sudden decision – it’s after a long time of asking for basic emotional effort, affection and engagement, which hasn’t changed.

The conversation was calm and amicable, but it’s obviously very raw and new.

The complication is that we’re due to attend his family wedding this Saturday. I’m now unsure whether it’s appropriate (or sensible) for me to go, given what’s just been said, especially as extended family don’t know what’s happening yet.

I don’t want to cause upset or draw attention away from the couple getting married, but I also don’t want to do the wrong thing emotionally or practically by turning up and pretending everything is fine.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

did you attend or decline?
what did you say if you didn’t go?
hindsight, what was the least awkward / least painful option?

I’d really appreciate experiences rather than judgement – everything feels very fresh and I’m trying to navigate this calmly, especially with young children involved.

Thank you.

You’d pay for your own wedding in this day and age, surely?

Not steal. Make is fair for the loss you will have made having kids. But if you don’t agree then obviously don’t do it?

Don't marry him for the reasons stated on this thread. As for the wedding on Saturday. I'd still go.

Are you still together or have you broken up? One of my husband's rele's actually broke up with his partner on the morning of our wedding, they still came along together and we only found out afterwards they'd broken up, she was actually very helpful on the day as we had a really small baby and she volunteered to help lots, only afterwards I realised it was so she didn't have to spend any time with her ex partner! Another friend was nearing the end of her marriage at our wedding too, he slept in the car she slept in the hotel at the venue! I again had no idea about this until around 12 months later when they finally ended their marriage and my friend shared what happened. They acted completely normal at the wedding, granted looking at photos they weren't stood together all day!

You either go and pretend all is fine (do this if you are friends with the person who is getting married/want to attend the wedding) or just send a message to say you aren't going, make up a different excuse. For me I'd have been more annoyed at the last minute dropout as you've paid an eye watering amount for the person to attend and it's such poor form to bump someone up to all day if you have evening guests so you end up wasting £150 or whatever.

Unless you can't stand to look at oneanother I'd go, but you absolutely don't tell anyone you've broken up.

No my parents have offered and I’ve put money towards deposits but he hasn’t offered at all and said he’s not budging on numbers ( which was costing us a fortune on food) he also said the reason he purposed it’s because it was what I wanted! And that he didn’t want to so…!

Why on earth would your parents be paying for your wedding? An adult, cohabiting, with a mortgage but not paying for your own party? Wow! Do adults actually still get their parents to foot the bill?

Other than that, it sounds more like you're threatening to call of the wedding if he doesn't do A.B or C, not that you've actually cancelled. The thing with ultimatums, however you dress it up, is that you actually have to follow through.

If the wedding is off because of the issues you've raised, then surely it's over and, if so, of course you wouldn't be going to the wedding of his family member 🤷‍♀️

Go. The couple will have included you in their planning and paid for food and stuff for you. It's rude not to. If you were newly divorced it would be different, but you are still his wife and maybe will continue to be.

Yes

Essentially!

Don't marry him. You don't love him. End of story

Don't listen to that. No, you're right not to marry him and if he can't give you what you need emotionally or support you then for sure you're doing the right thing by ending it. You'll just be a relationship full of resentment and literally no point in putting yourself through that.

You could go to the wedding if so wish as the groom is also your friend, but perhaps just got and watch them get married, wish them well and skip the socials side which will be very hard to sit through for all, am sure.

Good luck for the future and I hope all works out well. Am sorry it didn't work out for you.

Understandably your head is probably all over the place at the moment but well done for making the decision not to marry him.

You don’t seem very clear on whether the relationship is over though, or if you’re continuing without getting married? What do YOU want? Forget what he wants. What do you want to happen now?

If you want to go to this wedding still then go. But be aware that given your current situation that it will most likely be upsetting for you and quite difficult, and that’s without the added risk of any drama with your (ex?)partner.

Years ago, I split up with my boyfriend (long story) a few days before his sister’s wedding so obviously didn’t plan to go the wedding anymore. He turned up at my flat on the morning of the wedding saying the bride really wanted me to be there (how can you say no to a bride on her wedding day?!) So I went with him and we spent a very awkward 2 hours (!) together in church listening to sermons about everlasting loves and the joys of marriage. 🙄It was incredibly hard. I really wouldn’t recommend it.

I wouldn’t. Would probably blame illness and say you don’t want to pass it on. Would even tell partner that.

Sorry, am I reading this correctly that the Bride and Groom are not actually his family they are just close family friends.

I would go if that is the case. To be fair to the Bride and Groom they have already paid for you, have you in seating plan etc. You can always leave early after the meal if it is getting too much.

don’t go to the wedding, you’ll get loads of ‘you next!’ Comments. I’d encourage him to go with kids - he can always say your ill if it helps him.

Children aren’t invited to the wedding

Stealing money is not the appropriate term in a divorce. Try to be more factual.

And go to the wedding.

I think you should still go IF you can get through the day emotionally? The couple will have sorted numbers/food etc.

It sounds as though the separation planning isn't sorted yet for you and your partner, even if it's going that way. Which sounds really tough for you to have come to that realisation, so you have my sympathy!!

If you can manage it I'd go, and then discuss separation with your partner after.

From what you’ve described it sounds more like you mutually decided you don’t want to get married. It sounds like there are some fundamental differences so it would be ludicrous to go ahead with a wedding on this basis.

As to the family wedding - no, I wouldn’t go. But I would message the groom and explain saying you don’t feel it’s appropriate for you to come, but wish them all the best etc etc

Yes, this is a regular theme on this website. But they don’t believe it should happen in reverse, it can only ever be the woman taking from the man. I have found it as repulsive as you do to be honest.

That's your 'out' if you didn't think you should attend, 'last minute childcare issue', no one would be any the wiser for now.

If no one else knows about the cancelled plans, and you think you can go together amicably with ZERO issues, and it is already arranged and looking forward to then go and have a good time.

But if his parents have been told then you should not go, it will no doubt end in some kind of issue while you are there and that isn't fair on the bride and groom.

Don't marry him - you don't love each other, never mind who owns/earns what.

Don't go to the wedding - it will be beyond awkward and difficult for both of you.

If the relationship is over, definitely don’t go.

I would pull have a stomach bug or something "hanging on you" and not go.

Yes that exactly why lots of very intelligent women are telling you this. To steal his money. Good grief.

Perfect. Can you just say that your childcare plans have fallen through? You stay at home, he goes to the wedding.

It does sound like some time apart will help you both to clarify if the relationship is fully over.