Called off the wedding - should I still attend his family wedding this weekend?

[TheEventMum]

Hi all,
I’m looking for some perspective and practical advice.

Yesterday I told my partner that I’m calling off our wedding and that I don’t feel able to legally commit to someone who doesn’t want to put ongoing effort into our partnership. We’ve been together for 5 years and have two very young children. This isn’t a sudden decision – it’s after a long time of asking for basic emotional effort, affection and engagement, which hasn’t changed.

The conversation was calm and amicable, but it’s obviously very raw and new.

The complication is that we’re due to attend his family wedding this Saturday. I’m now unsure whether it’s appropriate (or sensible) for me to go, given what’s just been said, especially as extended family don’t know what’s happening yet.

I don’t want to cause upset or draw attention away from the couple getting married, but I also don’t want to do the wrong thing emotionally or practically by turning up and pretending everything is fine.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

did you attend or decline?
what did you say if you didn’t go?
hindsight, what was the least awkward / least painful option?

I’d really appreciate experiences rather than judgement – everything feels very fresh and I’m trying to navigate this calmly, especially with young children involved.

Thank you.

"Why do people say women should marry to get more out of it?"
this only proves that most women are marrying for the financial reasons these days which is just backwards and this is why most young people do not want to fall into traps.

I feel sorry for you OP. do not do it unless you feel secure with your partnership

This. Then make concrete plans that don't include him.

You are right not to marry him if your gut is telling you not to.

No, you shouldn't marry him now you've decided the relationship is over. You maybe should have married him before you had DC with him and reduced your earnings to part-time as then you may have been awarded more than 50% share of any equity in the house and maybe a share of his pension if larger than yours. But you can't rewind time.

I don't think you should attend the wedding this weekend. He can attend with the DC and say you are ill if he doesn't want to announce relationship is over at someone else's wedding.

What does DC mean?

Darling Children

No

apart from anything else, moreso for he next guy, pay for your own wedding and don't spend 30k on it.

just be ill op
you don't sound like you know what you want right now, you're unsure if you're broken up, and everything is raw. just have a migraine and let him take the kids.

then start making plans for who goes where and how you share the kids if you actually want to separate.

Go. You don’t need to pretend everything is fine with him. Just tell yourself you’re there for your children who are at their relatives’ wedding.

And if you can’t stomach it, say you’re ill.

Ignore the ‘get married to recoup your losses’ advice. Life’s too short for that bs.

childcare fell through, you had to stay home

You can't go OP. Say you have a touch of flu and send apologies. Let your STBX have time with his family and friends. Plenty of time to announce your news after the wedding is over.

The Children won’t be there

I think if your children are invited then you should attend, if it’s adults only then don’t attend if you don’t want to.

@ToKittyornottoKittyAh, right! Sorry, missed that.

If you know the groom/bride well and like them go and enjoy, but other than that illness seems to be the best plan to give you some time to think.

don't give your time to absolutely ludicrous trolling about marrying him or going back in time & marrying him before. Not going is a sacrifice, but one that you need, in that it helps you both think through the realities of separation, and will help to prepare the way with his family. The emotion of a wedding is also really difficult if you're in a sad place yourself. Use the time to think.

If you've spilt up, do not attend.

Don't go.
35 years ago almost, to our wedding, a couple where the groom had broken off the engagement both turned up separately. The atmosphere between them was palpable.

A separated couple came to my Dc wedding got pissed and argued in the venues reception area and one of them was put to bed, I wish they hadn't come we were quietly trying to deal with it while the evening do was going on.

That’s why women should get married. It’s you who has had to go part time, not your partner. Your earning potential capped, not your partner. Your pension reduced as a result, not your partner. If you had been married these would have been shared assets. Why have you had to take the brunt of the financial impact when it’s for your shared children?

It costs very little to get married to protect yourself financially, without spending a fortune on a wedding.

I would just send a polite but non explanatory message to the bride/groom saying you regretfully won't be attending but that you hope it goes well. Don't attend if it really is over but also, you don't have to be the messenger either - let your partner tell his family in his own time and way.

Don't go. You said he is avoidant so hopefully he will avoid telling anyone at the wedding. Just let him tell everyone you are sick.

I think it could end badly if you do go

I understand your point of view. I got divorced, long time ago so things were a bit different legally. Solicitor said he'd get me everything. I said I do t want everything and he tried to persuade me saying you can keep the house. I said so you want me and kids to live in ,4 bed Edwrdian house while the kids visit him in a grotty bedsit. He shut up then.

I never regretted my decision and we did the least damage we could to our children.

How did we get here ?

OP, personally I don't think you should attend any of these weddings.

*Not the one on Saturday. If you really wanted to go you could have waited till after the weekend to speak to your partner.
*Certainly not £30k wedding paid for by your parents (where did that spring from?) for you to marry a man you have just broken up with and are already considering divorcing....
*Or indeed the £8k streamlined version of that above wedding as suggested by a PP.

Mumsnet is a wild ride some days.....

I’d say either make an excuse about being unwell, or go and just avoid being in any photos if you can! If you and your (ex?) partner are still amicable, then go and enjoy the day (presuming you’ll be able to mingle a bit), try to avoid drinking too much (from experience, emotions get the better of you a few drinks in!), and wait until after tue wedding & Christmas to let everyone know if that’s feasible.

I wouldn't go. I'd also leave the separation talk alone until after Chrismas.if he's in denial I'd leave him there and get your ducks in a row.

This sort of message is disgusting and gives women a bad name.

If she doesn’t love him and the relationship isn’t working no she shouldn’t still marry him just do financial gain.