Called off the wedding - should I still attend his family wedding this weekend?

[TheEventMum]

Hi all,
I’m looking for some perspective and practical advice.

Yesterday I told my partner that I’m calling off our wedding and that I don’t feel able to legally commit to someone who doesn’t want to put ongoing effort into our partnership. We’ve been together for 5 years and have two very young children. This isn’t a sudden decision – it’s after a long time of asking for basic emotional effort, affection and engagement, which hasn’t changed.

The conversation was calm and amicable, but it’s obviously very raw and new.

The complication is that we’re due to attend his family wedding this Saturday. I’m now unsure whether it’s appropriate (or sensible) for me to go, given what’s just been said, especially as extended family don’t know what’s happening yet.

I don’t want to cause upset or draw attention away from the couple getting married, but I also don’t want to do the wrong thing emotionally or practically by turning up and pretending everything is fine.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

did you attend or decline?
what did you say if you didn’t go?
hindsight, what was the least awkward / least painful option?

I’d really appreciate experiences rather than judgement – everything feels very fresh and I’m trying to navigate this calmly, especially with young children involved.

Thank you.

Because things came to a head then, that's why. Do you really think that people time their quarrels and blow ups so as not to coincide with family events? Life really doesn't work that way.

Well, a week before my now ex husbands cousins wedding. I dumped him, and the wedding date was our wedding anniversary, no i didnt go. And the happy couple split up 3 months later. X

Don't go - if necessary say you're poorly.

Although you might have told people, there's nothing to stop him telling people either beforehand or at the wedding - imagine how awkward it could get!

So he expected you to pay to host his family and friends?! Those were the numbers he wasn’t budging on? And be hasn’t intended to contribute financially at all?!

Say you’ve got the flu and didn’t want to pass it on to anyone vulnerable especially being so close to Christmas. Sitting through a wedding when you’ve just called off your own will be emotionally hard and people may pick up
on it

You said things are amicable, so talk to your partner. Whatever happens you will co-parent. So if the kids are invited. Take them along for some of it and then leave to take them home, as they are young no one will ask too much. If they are not invited, then don't go.

You’ve said he’s an avoidant type but so are you. You seem much more concerned about this wedding than the end of your relationship. Have you thought about matters like who will move out and how often he will see the children?

In answer to your original question, no you shouldn’t go to the wedding. You are no longer together which means that you attend social events separately from now on. As pp have said, tell everyone that you are unwell so that no attention is taken away from the bride and groom.

Gosh - parents prepared to spend £30K on your wedding. What madness!

(Sorry, not the ‘advice’ you were seeking. I am just astonished that this is necessary, since you have been living with your partner, and have 2 children already).

ofcourse you shouldn’t go. You’ve just called off your wedding and presumably your relationship. It’s his family and his friends not yours . Let him enjoy it on his own. He can tell his family what’s happening and drown his sorrows. You don’t belong there. Sort out the time to get your ducks in a row. What’s your housing situation Like? Can you afford to support yourself and your kids on part time work etc?

You might want to go, but in reality you might very much struggle with seeing a happy ending, and a couple in love. It’s really going to be hard to watch, and even harder to do so with your now ex dp.

A polite white lie, and then your relationships with his family stay in tact. This is the safest route to go. I am not sure why you would even want to go to a wedding of all things. Maybe meet a few friends for drinks instead?

And Christmas!!

I wouldn't go.
I would be focused on the practicalities of splitting.
Well done on a brave decision OP.
Take all the support you can get.
Far better your parents spend money on you being independent of him.

I have adult children and I will not be paying for any weddings.
I think they are a complete waste of money.
If they want a splashy wedding they will need to pay for it themselves.

I had lunch with a lovely old friend who is paying 35k towards her 32 year old daughters wedding.
They are both in their 60's and still working.
Madness IMO.

Agree with all of this.

If your communication with him is the same as it is on here he must be confused as fuck.

I think you should have married him, cynical though that is. You will have no claim on him and he will walk away with everything and you with nothing. Unless of course it's you that have the money in the relationship
Its unbelievable that not only some might think this way, truly believe in the statement and worse, fewl no shame about it.

Yet the strong undercurrent on MN is that men are horrible controlling whilst women left victims of their lies and manipulation.

We then qondwr why men are not being the feminist current!

I attended my cousins wedding not long after I called off a wedding (we didnt eventually go on to marry)

I wish I hadn't gone, it was awful tbh.

If you really want to go, go but if you have any doubts I wouldn't.

I think you'd be potentially be causing unnecessary drama on someone else's big day. Please stay at home and work out what you want to do with your relationship, as you sound quite confused.

The answer is to ignore ridiculous advice.

Just go and be a grown up about it. Don't make someone else's wedding a place for your drama. You don't have to put on a happy couple act but keep the separation out of any conversations and try to pretend you're enjoying the wedding (or actually enjoy it!).

I wouldn't go. There will probably be lots of discussion about 'you'll be the next bride' etc.

I would just say that you are ill.

You answered it here by yourself...

I don’t see the problem with going as you seem to really want to.

You’re the one who ended it and he doesn’t seem that bothered, either about the relationship or the wedding.

If you think you can see him without getting emo then go and enjoy yourself. He may cry off at the last minute.

I don’t see the problem with going as you seem to really want to.

You’re the one who ended it and he doesn’t seem that bothered, either about the relationship or the wedding.

If you think you can see him without getting emo then go and enjoy yourself. He may cry off at the last minute.