Husband has walked out of family home to clear his head for 2 weeks

[ThatGirlx]

I’d really appreciate some opinions and advice on my current situation.
My husband has recently walked out of our family home, saying he’s booked somewhere to stay for two weeks. He told me that he’s no longer in love with me — and hasn’t been for many years — and that he needs space and time on his own to “clear his head” and decide what he really wants.
While I understand the need for space, I feel it’s extreme for him to completely leave the family home and leave me to care for our child alone. In the weeks leading up to this, he spent almost every weekend staying at his friends’ places, and when he did return, he didn’t bring up any of the serious things he had said — like not loving me or feeling that family life isn’t for him.
I’ve been extremely upset, but lately my feelings have shifted more toward frustration and anger. I’ve tried to be compassionate and understanding of how he feels, but he hasn’t shown the same toward me at all. When I’ve opened up about my feelings, he’s ignored them completely — not responding or engaging in any meaningful way.
Our communication has almost stopped. Even on WhatsApp, he rarely replies, or leaves my messages unread for hours or even all day. I’ve suggested that we spend more time together, and even try marriage counselling, because I feel our relationship is worth fighting for — but he’s shown no interest or effort.
He’s also said that being a father feels like “too much” for him, which I find really disappointing. I told him that it’s normal for life to change after having a child, but he keeps insisting that he hasn’t loved me for many years anyway.
It feels cowardly that he’s chosen to walk away and cut off contact rather than face what he’s said or the impact it’s had. To me, it seems like he’s avoiding the consequences of his actions and struggling with his own inner unhappiness. He’s always been quite a self-focused person, and this has made me seriously question whether he’s capable of being the kind of husband or father that my child and I need.
What hurts most is that he hasn’t even really checked in to see how our child is doing. I just feel completely abandoned and unsure how to move forward from here.

Oh go away.
The OP is here looking for support, not for people to berate her.

If he hasn't loved you for years, then why didn;t he leave years ago instead of having a child with you. It's complete bullshit, he' met someone else, is having a week trial with them whilst keeping his options open.
Take control, decide what you want and tell him when/if he returns that you will be doing xyz (my recommendation would be to turf him out). He's already messed up your life by walking out, don;t let him mess you about any further.

Don't sit around meekly waiting and hoping over these two weeks.

It's a tactic - he's put you in a box of time-stopping uncertainty, while he's off making plans and moving ahead. Probably with her.

He has abandoned his wife and family.

He's proved himself to be yet another useless self centred waste of space - SO many of them around.

Stop waiting and hoping - and take control.

Predictions:

He is now planning how to change history and manipulate the future.

While you wait and hope, he will then blindside you again with an announcement of what is going to happen next - and if you're totally unprepared and reeling with shock you will be massively disadvantaged again.

He will attempt the 'well, if you had/hadn't (insert 💩), I'd never have (insert further 💩)' gaslighting and DARVO tactics.

He will attempt to secretly undermine you to family or friends, questioning your mental state, fitness to be a mother, etc.

He will attempt to dictate to you what your rights are, what's going to happen. Do not believe a thing he says about your rights, what's going to happen etc.

He is not your friend.

Get legal and financial advice and family & friends support. You and your children have RIGHTS.

Contact a solicitor, get divorced. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you and thinks being a father isn’t for him.

You really should be angrier. Come on Op don’t be a doormat. Get rid of this waste of space.

I'm so sorry that your husband turned out to be a lying, cheating, sack of shit. Pack his things and tell him to collect them. Take some time to come to terms with things.

Take his child to where he's staying, and go away for a week to "clear your head". Then initiate divorce proceedings

Find your RAGE, OP.

Be ANGRY.

Let that energy fuel intent and action and results that will benefit your children and yourself, and ensure you're secure and safe.

At the moment his behaviour makes you feel anything but.

The OP comes across as a loving concerned mother. I do not understand why you think your suggestion is appropriate to someone facing a life-changing situation where the father clearly shows no regard for his child - but you think she should dump her child anyway (to teach husband a lesson) and go on holiday?!

Or he's trying to move out in stages in the hope of avoiding a big drama.

But I think this move is a one-way valve OP - especially if he seems unconcerned about your DC.

Sorry you are going through this.

I think that poster is trying to come across all "girl power."

But I agree op, please don't do that.

I'm so sorry OP, but this is an affair. He just wants to keep his options open.
Please listen to the advice here. I wish I'd had mumsnet to advise me when I went through it 30 years ago.
It will be very hard, but you'll feel much better in the long run if you take control now, and don't allow him to mess with your head. You need to divorce the irresponsible twat and sort out your finances. You will grieve for your marriage, but the sooner you accept it's over the sooner you can rebuild your life and recover.

Why shouldn't she?

Just because he is a shit man and husband, it doesn't mean he is a shit dad and he wouldn't be able to look after his child.

We don't inconvenience men enough.

Agree with others OP. It is very likely an affair, where he's either giving her a trial run or has gone on holiday with her, but even if it isn't he's said he doesn't love you and has left you and the kids for 2 weeks! All trust would be gone after that, theres no coming back.

Please try and use this time to get your ducks in a row, don't let him leave on his terms only, he's saying "clearing his head" instead of "leaving you" because HE is getting his ducks in a row and will spring the full on separation when he has sorted himself out and you are blindsided.

Please gather as much information as you can, open separate bank accounts, have you got joint savings? Check everything and speak to a solicitor. You have a little of window of opportunity here to take some control.

I am so sorry though OP, he is a massive fucking twat, and really hope you have some RL support. I hope he gets the shits for the next fortnight and is stuck in some crappy windowless hotel abroad that looks nothing like the pictures and his affair partner sees him as the utter pathetic coward he is. Xx

Because it would be distressing and confusing for the child to be taken to where he is currently staying.

then being handed over to a his father, this is unlikely to be a pleasant meeting or handing over of the child. Very likely harsh words will be exchanged.

Think of the children.

Because you don't use children as weapons to inflict inconvenience on others.

By his own admission, he feels being a father is "too much for him" and he hasn't even checked in on the child. The possibility you have suggested that he isn't a "shit dad" is at best a gamble - and what if, as I believe is more than likely, he is?

You can't behave that way with children. They aren't playthings or weapons.

Fella here..... Even if he isn't with another women how can you just bail out for 2 weeks when you've got a kid? Thats bad.... Imagine if you do get a divorce. He'd never want to see his own kid.

BUT, reckon hes up to something here. Why the specific 2 weeks? Check if hes got a suntan when he come back - could be in Cyprus for 2 weeks.

(I know someone who did this - used to work away with work a lot so told his Mrs this and then spent 2 weeks shagging the office receptionist on holiday. Some of us refused to back his story up if his mrs ever asked).

Op your h has checked out of your marriage,

Change the locks, pack up his stuff and start divorce process, you need to stay angry op, don't do the ifs and buts, where, and whys, its done, he's telling its done,
Ducks in a row time op,

I thought the rental thing sounded weird too.

Wow, it’s all about him and how he feels and what he wants, isn’t it? No thought given to how you might be feeling.

Even if he came back tomorrow and said he’s willing to give it another go, he’s told you that he hasn’t loved you for years. There’s no coming back from that. I’m so sorry but I don’t see how you can come to any conclusions other than your marriage is over and the only way he’ll be coming back is if it turns out that the grass isn’t quite as green as he thought it was.

Now needs to be self preservation time for you and your DS. He’s just shown you that you cannot rely on him to be honest or decent in any respect, so you need to plan for the worst case scenario straight away. You need to think about cash (Do not trust him to be decent, because he’ll be prioritising financing his new social life) and you need to think about a bloody good solicitor.

Ffs do not change the locks or turn up where he is and dump kids etc.

so much terrible advice in here!

Perhaps try reading OP’s first post again.

Yes, mine did this too. He followed this exact same script. Looking back, there were red flags that I’d dismissed or that he’d explained away (gaslighting). Because I was busy with life, work & kids, I’d let my concerns slide. But yes, he was having an affair with a work colleague (although ofc he denied that it started until after he moved out)

OP I’m sorry that he’s being a shit husband. Time to get some fire in your belly & get your ducks in a row. Make copies of all important financial documents & get some legal advice so you know what your options are.

Even if you don’t want to action anything yet, taking control of your life will feel empowering because you’ll know you have choices.

And get emotional support for yourself from trusted friends/family. You don’t need to keep his crappy behaviour a secret, it’s not your shame to hide. I hope things work out ok for you, whatever that looks like in the end.

I'm so sorry OP. This so precisely follows the script of every man i've ever knows who has had an affair (including my ex). It's almost embarrassing (for them) how sheeplike they are in their execution and planning.

So on that basis, if it were me, I'd assume it's an affair. Don't take his attempts at blaming you as anything other than a gaslighting attempt to rewrite history to reduce his responsibility here. Just disregard it all as complete lies. Stop any attempt to contact, connect or get back together or do anything that will benefit him in any way. Assume that he is the enemy from here on but grey rock him completely, don't tell him you see him that way. Quietly see a solicitor regarding finances, the house etc. I'd also attempt to find out more about the affair as I'd need to know for definite for my own peace of mind (I found out for 100% by looking at my ex's work computer and found a few emails between them).

If he does actually just need time away to sort his head out etc, then you haven't burnt any bridges by doing the above but you have protected yourself and YOU are the most important person right now (along with your DC). You'll get through this.

Don’t be passive. He doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions. Make him aware that by leaving he has left permanently and get on the front foot with divorce proceedings.

Hi Everyone 😊 Thank you so much for everyone’s advice and support ❤️ I really appreciate it ❤️ I would love to get back to everyone individually but am overwhelmed but the amount of responses my post has had ❤️

I completely agree with everyone ❤️ This has only been going on the last 2 weeks (not longer) though and with the last 2 weekends staying at “friends” but regardless it’s not on.

I haven’t been bombarding him with messages etc - I sent a one time message that these are my feelings etc which just got ignored anyway. I’m not chasing or begging. Any communication is only the bare minimum to do with our child.

I work full time and we own our house 50/50 and have no joint bank accounts. I’m pretty clued up on the whole process and hold all our documentation including his NI number - so am prepared 💪🏻 I don’t think he actually realises the amount of cost involved to be freed from “us” but I don’t really care to be honest. As me & our child aren’t moving anywhere.

I don’t live near any family or friends for help so Im kind of trapped in that sense.

I will keep the thread updated but as many of you have suggested, I’m kinda over him now anyway especially acting selfishly / cowardly like this and the things he has said about me and our child. So he has a shock coming to him when & if he comes crawling back.

🫶🏻