Husband has walked out of family home to clear his head for 2 weeks

[ThatGirlx]

I’d really appreciate some opinions and advice on my current situation.
My husband has recently walked out of our family home, saying he’s booked somewhere to stay for two weeks. He told me that he’s no longer in love with me — and hasn’t been for many years — and that he needs space and time on his own to “clear his head” and decide what he really wants.
While I understand the need for space, I feel it’s extreme for him to completely leave the family home and leave me to care for our child alone. In the weeks leading up to this, he spent almost every weekend staying at his friends’ places, and when he did return, he didn’t bring up any of the serious things he had said — like not loving me or feeling that family life isn’t for him.
I’ve been extremely upset, but lately my feelings have shifted more toward frustration and anger. I’ve tried to be compassionate and understanding of how he feels, but he hasn’t shown the same toward me at all. When I’ve opened up about my feelings, he’s ignored them completely — not responding or engaging in any meaningful way.
Our communication has almost stopped. Even on WhatsApp, he rarely replies, or leaves my messages unread for hours or even all day. I’ve suggested that we spend more time together, and even try marriage counselling, because I feel our relationship is worth fighting for — but he’s shown no interest or effort.
He’s also said that being a father feels like “too much” for him, which I find really disappointing. I told him that it’s normal for life to change after having a child, but he keeps insisting that he hasn’t loved me for many years anyway.
It feels cowardly that he’s chosen to walk away and cut off contact rather than face what he’s said or the impact it’s had. To me, it seems like he’s avoiding the consequences of his actions and struggling with his own inner unhappiness. He’s always been quite a self-focused person, and this has made me seriously question whether he’s capable of being the kind of husband or father that my child and I need.
What hurts most is that he hasn’t even really checked in to see how our child is doing. I just feel completely abandoned and unsure how to move forward from here.

@ThatGirlx - so sorry you’re in this awful position, OP. I agree with PP that your H is almost certainly having an affair but, in a way it’s neither here nor there, because he has very much burnt his bridges with the things he’s said and done to you.

There is something about becoming a father which separates the men from the boys. Unfortunately, your H has shown himself to be a boy who is selfish and immature doesn’t like the responsibility of fatherhood. He should be so disappointed in himself but he sounds too selfish and self-centred to realise it. He has let you and your DS down appallingly.

Who gives a shit if he's having an affair? 'family life isn't for him' well he's a fucking deadbeat then who doesn't care about his son. You can't force him to be a good father. Cut him off and let him go. He's a shit and the sooner you move on the better it will be for you and your child.

OP I just want to say, I think single parenting is unfairly maligned, all kinds of parenting can be very hard. There are drawbacks to having to constantly negotiate with a partner. When it’s just you and your child you may well find life is incredibly peaceful and ordered and the bond between yourself and your child very deep and strong. Breaking up with my sons dad was incredibly painful, very similar circumstances, but in retrospect I’m so glad and have been struck by the positives of single parenting that people don’t really talk about. You don’t need his crap, it’s so beneath you.

Have you heard of The Script? I suggest you research it and you might find his behaviours match it. Here's a quick summary but I'm sure there better sources and the book too: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/

He's shown you where he stands so your next step is legal representation. Find a solicitor today and start the divorce process

@ThatGirlx

So sorry you are going through this and glad you are at the angry stage. Your poor child - what if something happened to them and you could not reach your husband.

Are they old enough to be wondering where daddy is?

Your husband is going away for two weeks and not telling you where. He won’t talk to you or try counselling. Please do not accept this awful behaviour and at least call a family lawyer - so much can be done online now.

Have you got family or friends you can confide in? Please do not try to protect him in the hope your relationship will improve. He has hidden his changing feelings and is ready to abandon you both any time he chooses.

It won’t be easy but you will get through it. You sound like a really caring mum and your love will be more than enough for your DC.

He’s cheating on you.

He hasn’t been staying at friend’s houses at all.

This is the exact script that men say when they are cheating. Sometimes they say they are “sad” or “depressed”.

Your most important thing is to ensure you can financially support yourself without him.

Do you own your own house? Do you work?

You need to immediately see a lawyer and have a written record that he’s abandoned the home so you can take steps to change the locks.

Take care of you and your child, get your ducks in a row, paperwork, banks accounts,pensions the lot, start that divorce and get rid!

The relevance is the lying and the upending of the OP's entire life without showing her the courtesy of honesty and admitting that he cheated.

I agree it makes no difference in the long run.

So predictable. He’s having sex with somebody else and has been doing so for some considerable time.

You don’t need him to confirm it. You don’t even need to know if it is true or not. What you need to do is break free of him. He is a master at manipulating you (are some people born with this gift or what?) because his manipulation is making you weak. And that is its intention.

So give your head a wobble and spring into action. You need to protect your mind. Stop trying to get the truth out of him and focus on the well being of you and your child to the exclusion of everything else. Others on here with more experience will have advised you on how to proceed. Take their advice.

I know it is easier said than done but please try not to give in to your emotions. You need to develop a heart to steel when dealing with him. Good luck.

He's told you he doesn't love you and he's shown you he doesn't love you. Get yourself a solicitor and discuss what needs doing to separate, you are still in the home so probably have access to paperwork you might need . It's a horrible thing he's done to you .

You need to hold on to your anger and see a solicitor and focus on yourself and child. Take control and get a divorce. Maybe he’s having an affair maybe he’s not, but the one thing you do know for sure is that he’s a wet wimp, too weak and pathetic to step up as a husband and father.

Act quickly. Find a solicitor. Recommendation from a trusted friend or a couple of short initial meetings to find one you are comfortable with. Prepare a single A4 sheet with key events and dates from marriage to now (birth of child, business dates, house purchases etc). Briefly itemise assets/savings/loans/debts.

This will give the solicitor an overview and leave more time for you to ask questions.

Look at child maintenance online. He may start off promising to pay an amount you agree voluntarily. But either he or a current/future partner may soon resent this and reduce or stop payments.

This is the support for your child, be firm and get the claim or voluntary agreement registered.

He's made a decision and he's not coming back. What he's said can't be undone.

Call a solicitor and contact CMS today. Don't wait and wallow. Control the narrative.

I first heard of The Script on mumsnet. It is absolutely accurate. My ex cheated on me at the end of our relationship. It was such a betrayal and I felt awful.

I was going to leave the house. I did but I didn’t know what to pack so I left with nothing. I came home at night after being at the hospital all day while my sister was in the ICU on life support and I told him I was the one who found the house so he is the one that can leave.

He was dressed up in brand new clothes, had new cologne, a haircut, a present and a massive bottle of alcohol. This was a guy who used to wear shorts, a polyester t shirt covered in cat hair and dirty trainers to work. I would also have to tell him to get a haircut because he was too lazy to get it cut and it ended up looking like a 50 year our woman. I was the one who encouraged him to start wearing suits and classic business shirts to work so he could get promoted. She wouldn’t have touched him in if she saw how he used to dressy.

The day I was crying at the hospital he had gone out shopping all day. He didn’t care. He came home at 2 or 3am drunk as a skunk and passed out. I went through his phone and found text messages and a hidden folder in his work emails that indicated he was cheating. The nights he would come home late and not eat the dinner I prepared was because he had already eaten with her. Every night they were hanging out together.

Ugh, not read the full thread but agree with the first two pages that there'll be another woman. It may not be physical yet but definitely emotional affair.

Has he pulled the "I'm depressed" card yet?

He does not get to bow out of being a father. What a dick.

I'd turn up at the house and catch him in the affair. I'd also have a very frank conversation with the OW about exactly the sort of man she's shacking up with, on the off-chance she's nieve enough to not realise.

Obviously also change the locks and divorce him. Get the call in to CMS. Let your friends and family (and your in-laws) know what's going on, before he gets a chance to put his spin on it.

Sorry your husband is such a waste-man OP x

“being a father feels like “too much” for him”

You don’t get to check out on being a parent. Ask him how he’d feel if his parents had decided it was “too much” to parent him. My goodness, some men really take selfishness to the next level. I’m sorry, OP, but this sad sack doesn’t deserve to be a parent. I really feel for you and your DC, but unfortunately, I fear you need to sort out your affairs - he’s checked out of your marriage, and all you can do now is to make the best of the situation. Go and see a solicitor, and see how best you can secure yours and your DC’s future.

Sounds like another woman. Men tend to stay when their miserable, but leave when someone else gives them attention.

Sadly, very sadly, a startling number of men see children as small beings belonging to their partner. So they’ll parent the girlfriends’ DC and abandon their own. Or they’ll use them to punish their mum.

It’s something I can’t unsee and will always look for in men now- the ability to bond with their dc as an individual rather than relate through their partner. So many men don’t stay in touch with family, unless their partner facilitates it.

Well he’s quite the coward isn’t he?!
How long have you been together and how old is your child? My initial thought was also that he’s having an affair and he hasn’t been staying with friends at all. Sorry.

Are you still here OP?
Wishing you well. 💐

This. Don’t waste your energy on trying to fix him, focus it on building a future for you and your children.

He’s on holiday with the OW having a trial run.

I’ve tried to be compassionate and understanding of how he feels, but he hasn’t shown the same toward me at all.

Time to stop being understanding and start being angry and get your ducks in a row. I am so very sorry that you have got the wrong man, but do not give up on finding the right one in the future.

Sending a hand hold and lots of good luck.