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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

374 replies

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 18:43

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

OP posts:
BabyCatFace · 29/07/2025 18:44

How are you going to force him? You need to rebuild the relationship before forcing him to do anything. Will your ex undermine or support the relationship between you?

DaisyChain505 · 29/07/2025 18:46

You need to give him time he will come round.

You need to let him know that you love him and you understand that he’s hurt and you’re willing to respect his wishes and will give it time.

MintTwirl · 29/07/2025 18:46

Don’t force it OP, you will just make him resent you and cause long term damage to your relationship. Bide your time, see him as much as you can during the day and let him come to you for overnights if and when he is ready.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2025 18:47

You can’t force him, no. Meet him where he is, spend time together, continue to embrace his passions and interests, listen to him, don’t make demands, just be there.

Fedupwiththecuts · 29/07/2025 18:47

As hard as it is, you need to put your son first. You're thinking about the effect on you and how you feel about the situation.
He's reacting to the splitting up of his family and the turmoil it causes. He'll test to see if you still love him by pushing you away and seeing if you come back. He won't be in a place to trust you as you left him. (That's how it feels for him.)
I would make lots of effort to see him as much as possible but also listen to him when he says he doesn't want to stay overnight.
He's trying to gain some control over his life in a situation where he feels very powerless.
It will be difficult but its important that you 'hear' him and respect that decision.

x2boys · 29/07/2025 18:48

Even if you could ,do you think they will help your relationship?
Is it not better to keep reaching out and letting your son know you will always be there and try and rebuild your relationship?

Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 18:50

BabyCatFace · 29/07/2025 18:44

How are you going to force him? You need to rebuild the relationship before forcing him to do anything. Will your ex undermine or support the relationship between you?

He’s been down today and we’ve actually had a really nice day. Then I brought up him staying overnight for just one night on the weekend and it was a disaster. I gave him the choice of Friday, Saturday or Sunday and told him that he does need to try an overnight with me to get used to it. It went horribly. He’s even talking about when ex is working just staying in ex house, I’m absolutely devastated. I want to beg ex to let me back in 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 18:55

Fedupwiththecuts · 29/07/2025 18:47

As hard as it is, you need to put your son first. You're thinking about the effect on you and how you feel about the situation.
He's reacting to the splitting up of his family and the turmoil it causes. He'll test to see if you still love him by pushing you away and seeing if you come back. He won't be in a place to trust you as you left him. (That's how it feels for him.)
I would make lots of effort to see him as much as possible but also listen to him when he says he doesn't want to stay overnight.
He's trying to gain some control over his life in a situation where he feels very powerless.
It will be difficult but its important that you 'hear' him and respect that decision.

It’s so hard as I feel like I’ve destroyed my relationship with him and completely lost him. I wish I could turn the clock back and never have asked for a divorce. I wish everything was back to normal and we were all together as a family in the family home. I am now tempted to suggest a trial separation instead. I’ve ruined all our lives 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 18:57

Fedupwiththecuts · 29/07/2025 18:47

As hard as it is, you need to put your son first. You're thinking about the effect on you and how you feel about the situation.
He's reacting to the splitting up of his family and the turmoil it causes. He'll test to see if you still love him by pushing you away and seeing if you come back. He won't be in a place to trust you as you left him. (That's how it feels for him.)
I would make lots of effort to see him as much as possible but also listen to him when he says he doesn't want to stay overnight.
He's trying to gain some control over his life in a situation where he feels very powerless.
It will be difficult but its important that you 'hear' him and respect that decision.

Yes I understand that. I fear it will destroy me. As his mother it’s also devastating that he’s chosen his Dad. I am completely destroyed by this.

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 29/07/2025 18:59

No you can't.. forcing puts the relationship back even more. Rebuild your relationship first but please don't force your ds ever...that cruel and abusive

Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:00

DaisyChain505 · 29/07/2025 18:46

You need to give him time he will come round.

You need to let him know that you love him and you understand that he’s hurt and you’re willing to respect his wishes and will give it time.

He’s very angry with me. I left my ex due to EA. But looking back now he had improved and we could have lovely moments as a family. Everything is destroyed now and it is all my fault. I should have stayed in the family home.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:01

Londonrach1 · 29/07/2025 18:59

No you can't.. forcing puts the relationship back even more. Rebuild your relationship first but please don't force your ds ever...that cruel and abusive

What if he never wants to stay with me? I’ve set up a lovely bedroom for him and it devastates me that it’s sitting empty. I don’t know what to do, I want to turn the clock back and never have left.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 29/07/2025 19:03

You can't put the genie back in the bottle op, calm down and take it one day at a time.
You made a mistake pushing him for a overnight, tell him you are taking it off the table and won't mention it again but that he is always welcome if he ever changes his mind.
He is 13 and has his own mind, not a little boy anymore so you can't force him to do what you want and trying to live back in the old house with them both won't work either, infact it could cause him more trauma.

You need to make you home yours and accept the relationship your son is comfortable with.

OneForTheRoadThen · 29/07/2025 19:05

Are you the poster who has a younger child with SEN and your teen son sleeps in the same room as your husband?

TomatoSandwiches · 29/07/2025 19:05

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 18:57

Yes I understand that. I fear it will destroy me. As his mother it’s also devastating that he’s chosen his Dad. I am completely destroyed by this.

Show quote history

He's just choosing the most comfortable place he knows which is the family home, it's likely has nothing to do with picking dad over mum.

Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:07

TomatoSandwiches · 29/07/2025 19:03

You can't put the genie back in the bottle op, calm down and take it one day at a time.
You made a mistake pushing him for a overnight, tell him you are taking it off the table and won't mention it again but that he is always welcome if he ever changes his mind.
He is 13 and has his own mind, not a little boy anymore so you can't force him to do what you want and trying to live back in the old house with them both won't work either, infact it could cause him more trauma.

You need to make you home yours and accept the relationship your son is comfortable with.

I feel like I’ve lost him. The idea of him 100% living with his Dad is absolutely terrible 😞 I am grieving so much, it’s like he’s died. I know that’s not true. I’m just very upset.

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 29/07/2025 19:09

You can't make him no, but what you can do is keep having nice days with him around your new house and building up that relationship until he is comfortable in his new surroundings. Keep cooking him nice dinners and making it feel like his other home. Make it clear to him that his also has a bedroom at your house and that its there for when he needs it.
I think your expecting to much at the moment while he is still processing it. I would also suggest some counselling for you both including counselling together.

bellamorgan · 29/07/2025 19:09

You can’t force him at his age and no court would force him either. The more you push the more he will pull away.

You’re sad because you miss him and want him at yours. But this is about him and his feelings. His whole family just exploded while it was looking happy and suddenly mums moved out and demanding he should sleep at her new house in a space and place he doesn’t know and doesn’t feel comfortable in.

No you also don’t get to string your ex along with a trial or beg to move back just because of your wants either. You wanted to split because he had a EA you made your choice just like he made his when he did that. Now you both sleep in the beds you made.

Unless his said other it’s not picking dad over you, it’s picking home over a house. One thing a lot of children struggle with separated parents is the house to house and never having a home just houses they move between.

Dogsday · 29/07/2025 19:11

He hasn’t chosen his Dad, he’s holding onto the stability of his own room, bed, things around him. You are understandably taking this very personally, you need to not show this to him and give him time and reassurance while he adjusts to having two homes. Your relationship was always going to change following your separation, but it won’t stay the same as it is now forever, you will all just need time to build a new normal.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 29/07/2025 19:13

Give him time, the fact that he is OK spending time with you is a huge positive.

Harrysmummy246 · 29/07/2025 19:14

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 18:43

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

Not sure how you think 'forcing ' him is going to improve your relationship

Kimmeridge · 29/07/2025 19:15

Ofcourse you cant force him.

Hes 13 hes upset you need to take things at his pace. Drop the overnight requests for now. You said yourself you had a lovely day with him until you mentioned it. Stop mentioning. He knows hes welcome.

Focus on spending time with him and enjoying his company in a way hes happy. If you keep pushing the overnight stays you risk pushing him away completely

scottypippen · 29/07/2025 19:16

Aw I feel for you op. i have 2 teens and separated from their dad almost 2 years ago. Both dc still live with me but their dad lives very close by and they spend much more time with dad than they do with me through their choice. im very aware dad is the much preferred parent and I am second best. it hurts very much.
Im the one who does everything for them and have done since the day they were born their dad did very little but was the fun play mate. whilst mum was cooking, cleaning, organising appointments, all life admin, making sure they had clean clothes, basically everything. Dad thought it was all my responsibility because he went to work.
I think the fun dad play mate role has stuck while im just boring mum who nags if they've done homework, teeth etc.
I think this is quite common and mums are often second best.
You were obviously very unhappy in that relationship so why would you consider going back? 13 is an awkward age and the separation is new, give him time and im sure he'll come round and want to stay. Just let him know theres a bedroom for him whenever he's ready but don't put pressure on him.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 29/07/2025 19:16

The key message is in the last line. I've ruined MY life.
This is not about you. It's about your son. And no, it isn't fair to drag him out of the only home he has ever known to please you. His parens have separated and that is huge for him. Right now he can't cope with any more change and it would be totally unfair of you to try and 'force' it just for YOUR benefit.
You need to repair this relationship slowly, and at his pace And I time he may come round. But cock it up now and you've lost him outright.

And as for 'it's like he's died' - that is a horrible thing to say. You can still see him, visit him, hug him if her will let you, phone him if he is willing to answer...parents of children who have died can only visit a grave.

Herberty · 29/07/2025 19:16

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 18:57

Yes I understand that. I fear it will destroy me. As his mother it’s also devastating that he’s chosen his Dad. I am completely destroyed by this.

Show quote history

He has not chosen his dad over you. He has chosen the stability and security of the family home. The more you push and put emotional pressure on him the more he will pull away.

You need to be cheerful and not mention over nights. You mentioned being devastated. Can you afford some counselling sessions for yourself? In time, your son might want to go to family therapy with you to explore how he feels about the separation.

Other option is parallel parenting - does dad's family live locally - would he be willing to stay with them so you could return to the family home on some nights and have overnights there? However, that plan may just feel weird and disruptive to your son and just delay him coming to terms with things.