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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

374 replies

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 18:43

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

OP posts:
Radioundermypillow · 29/07/2025 19:16

He's almost certainly freaked out and scared by the concept of sleeping away from home. It makes it too real and he can't cope with it at the moment.

Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:19

TomatoSandwiches · 29/07/2025 19:05

He's just choosing the most comfortable place he knows which is the family home, it's likely has nothing to do with picking dad over mum.

Show quote history

I should never have been the one to go. I thought I was more emotionally strong and that’s why I felt better equipped to a fresh start in a new home. Ex would have potentially used it as a weapon him losing the house, I made a very big mistake though. I completely underestimated DS’s reaction. He is so angry

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 29/07/2025 19:19

No OP you can’t force him, and neither would a court at 13. If he never wants to stay overnight then he never has to & can’t be made to.

Give it time. He wants to be where things feel safe and normal right now which is totally normal.

Driftingawaynow · 29/07/2025 19:20

This is said with your best interests at heart- Your level of distress will be very frightening to him. You need to pull yourself together for his sake, so you can contain his feelings and put him first. Get yourself some therapy and calm down, stop panicking and catastrophising is the priority right now. He isn’t dead but I can guarantee there will be parents who have lost their children reading this. You need to calm down.

Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:20

Radioundermypillow · 29/07/2025 19:16

He's almost certainly freaked out and scared by the concept of sleeping away from home. It makes it too real and he can't cope with it at the moment.

I’ve told him it’s off the table now. That we will enjoy each other’s company when we see each other.

OP posts:
AuntyDepressant · 29/07/2025 19:21

With kindness you need to stop making this about you and how upset you feel. All your posts are about you and how you feel. This about your son and how he feels. He isn’t going to want overnights more if you try and force him to stay over. He’s going to resent it and want to stay with his dad even more. At the moment he doesn’t want to stay in a house he isn’t familiar with and that’s totally understandable. Give him time.

herbalteabag · 29/07/2025 19:21

You shouldn't try to get back with your ex because of your son, that will just be a recipe for disaster.
How about just focus on having lovely days with him then go back to yours for dinner and some chill out evening time, then take him back home. He could hang out in the bedroom you've done for him without the pressure to actually sleep in it. Probably after a while he will relent, once he's got used to your new house and the situation.

Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:21

Driftingawaynow · 29/07/2025 19:20

This is said with your best interests at heart- Your level of distress will be very frightening to him. You need to pull yourself together for his sake, so you can contain his feelings and put him first. Get yourself some therapy and calm down, stop panicking and catastrophising is the priority right now. He isn’t dead but I can guarantee there will be parents who have lost their children reading this. You need to calm down.

I meant no offence, I find the whole situation unbearable and so painful.

OP posts:
Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 29/07/2025 19:22

Please re read your posts.

Every single one is about how awful it is for you. How it will destroy you. How upset you are.

Where is your consideration for how your ds is feeling? Where is your understanding for how a hormonal pubescent boy is feeling.

Where is your empathy for the fact you have just blown his whole world into a million pieces?

I don't mean to sound callous but your posts are so devoid of care or understanding for your ds. You need to suck it up and grow up!

I left my ex. I left the family home. So I do know what I am talking about when I say you need to back the hell off. Give the poor lad time to adjust to the new set up.

As for the legal question, ultimately he is 13, I would be very surprised if there was a court in the land that would override his wishes unless there is evidence of abuse from your exh.

I'm afraid you have made your bed. You need to own it and you need to let your son come to terms with his feelings and respect his wishes. If you continue to push it you will lose him.

titchy · 29/07/2025 19:23

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 29/07/2025 19:13

Give him time, the fact that he is OK spending time with you is a huge positive.

It is hugely positive. Except when OP fucks it up by trying to get him to stay. Be a parent - listen to him, understand him. Put his feelings first and try to rebuild his trust. This is not the time to put your own feelings about losing him first - because doing that means you will lose him. Don’t talk about him staying over. Be enthusiastic and smiley when he comes to see you. Do fun things he would like. Listen to him. Chat about Fortnite or whatever he’s into. DO NOT TALK ABOUT HIM STAYING OVRR. DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOU GOING BACK. Fake it till you make it.

Driftingawaynow · 29/07/2025 19:23

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:21

I meant no offence, I find the whole situation unbearable and so painful.

Show quote history

Totally understand that, and it’s not as bad as it feels right now I promise. Deep breaths. Try to ground yourself

titchy · 29/07/2025 19:23

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:21

I meant no offence, I find the whole situation unbearable and so painful.

Show quote history

You you you. Even if it frighten him. Still you you you.

Createausername1970 · 29/07/2025 19:24

Dogsday · 29/07/2025 19:11

He hasn’t chosen his Dad, he’s holding onto the stability of his own room, bed, things around him. You are understandably taking this very personally, you need to not show this to him and give him time and reassurance while he adjusts to having two homes. Your relationship was always going to change following your separation, but it won’t stay the same as it is now forever, you will all just need time to build a new normal.

I think this.

He hasn't "chosen" anyone, he stayed in his safe place.

Wheresthebuttons · 29/07/2025 19:25

You left your husband for a reason, he was emotionally abusing you. Don't go back without getting this resolved, or he will be worse than ever. How much of the abuse was your son aware of? If he's heard your ex putting you down for years, blaming you for everything etc, he may be primed to blame you for the split.

Your son was going to end up with 2 homes whether you or your husband moved out, and if you'd stayed in the family home, perhaps he would have stayed with you, or perhaps he still would have sided with his Dad.

Your son needs support, but I don't think you should go back to your ex right away. You left for a reason. If you go back, you should insist on couples counselling first.

I agree that your son needs time, see him during the day for now, but he's 13, his Dad should be encouraging him to spend time with you.

OCDandUS · 29/07/2025 19:26

have you considered there is a reason? i mean its a bit odd you had a nice day and then he turned when you mentioned it? any chance your ex has led him to feel he needs to stay there at night? ie his dad is emotionally blackmailing him?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/07/2025 19:26

Createausername1970 · 29/07/2025 19:24

I think this.

He hasn't "chosen" anyone, he stayed in his safe place.

Show quote history

This. And likely ex isn't telling OP about any issues he's having with their son alone in the house.

Ecrire · 29/07/2025 19:27

I’ve read all the OPs post and every single one is about how the OP feels. Not one shred about exploring the child’s state of mind beyond stating he’s angry.

SI85 · 29/07/2025 19:28

No you absolutely cannot force him.

Endofyear · 29/07/2025 19:29

You really need to calm down and focus on what your son needs. He has had the rug pulled out from under him and is clinging to the family home as the one constant in his life.

You have the opportunity to build on his visits and enjoy spending time together. He is going to need time and you need to give him that. This situation is not of his making and he is doing the best he can. You can't force him to stay overnight and you shouldn't try. Concentrate on rebuilding the relationship and playing the long game.

If you continue to be dramatic and emotional, you will push him away. He needs calm and consistency from both parents.

Radioundermypillow · 29/07/2025 19:29

Ecrire · 29/07/2025 19:27

I’ve read all the OPs post and every single one is about how the OP feels. Not one shred about exploring the child’s state of mind beyond stating he’s angry.

Oh come on don't start.

bellamorgan · 29/07/2025 19:30

Also taking the sleep over at your house off the cards.

Test the water with a holiday. That way it’s not opening the gates to the house but it’s some full on 24hours. Even if it’s a caravan in Cornwall or something. Alton towers hotel. Is money is ok that is. If you’ve plently a trip aboard with water park. Some just fun fun fun no pressure but time.

scottypippen · 29/07/2025 19:32

sorry to be ignorant but can I ask what EA stands for?
Op please give your son time. my eldest reacted awfully to their dad and me splitting up but is ok now and they quickly came to terms with it. im sure your ds will too.
please give him time and don't be pushing and putting pressure on him to stay as you may prevent him from want him to spend day times with you too as he'll fear you're going to start pestering him to stay over when he's just not ready yet. Some kids just prefer the comfort and familiarity of their usual bed and home. he'll come around given time.

Original poster
SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:33

It feels so unfair as it was due to my ex’s behaviour, name calling, EA that I left, I feels so unfair that he now gets full custody of our son and I’m the one my son blames. I wish I had never left and things were back to normal.

OP posts:
ResidentPorker · 29/07/2025 19:33

AuntyDepressant · 29/07/2025 19:21

With kindness you need to stop making this about you and how upset you feel. All your posts are about you and how you feel. This about your son and how he feels. He isn’t going to want overnights more if you try and force him to stay over. He’s going to resent it and want to stay with his dad even more. At the moment he doesn’t want to stay in a house he isn’t familiar with and that’s totally understandable. Give him time.

This. It is NOT the same as if he was dead. He’s just a boy struggling to adjust to change. Give him time and stop with the “I’ve destroyed everything”
melodramatic narrative. If anything it’s his father who did it by emotionally abusing you.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 29/07/2025 19:34

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:07

I feel like I’ve lost him. The idea of him 100% living with his Dad is absolutely terrible 😞 I am grieving so much, it’s like he’s died. I know that’s not true. I’m just very upset.

Show quote history

Get a grip! You made a choice and it’s affected your son, now you need to be there for him and put him first. Which means ditching the self pity and working with him to give him security, not making him feel guilty for you being upset, because he will absolutely sense how you feel. Don’t take anything off the table, be supportive and there for him. Maybe suggest a weekend away, enjoy your day times with him. Attend counselling or something to deal with your emotions but do not put them onto your son directly or indirectly because THAT is how you will loose him.