Page 6 | Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

SlateandSteel · 2025-07-29T17:43:40+00:00

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?! I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son. Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him. AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

Loppylondon · 29/07/2025 20:45

Wheresthebuttons · 29/07/2025 19:35

There are some very harsh comments on this for a woman who's just left an abusive relationship, she's being judged as a bad mother for leaving her abusive husband.

Yeah I agree. This is unreasonably harsh, even for the scorn you get on MN.

I agree that it's not appropriate to say all this to her DS but it's absolutely fine for OP to express how she feels on this forum, so people picking her apart for having emotions about it is ridiculous. If my 13 year old didn't want to stay with me I'd be heartbroken too - and I'd put money on everyone else here feeling the same.

Bestfootforward11 · 29/07/2025 20:51

Forcing him to live with you will only add to his anger. You need to take things step by step and rebuild the relationship. I imagine the build up to you leaving was long as you came to your decision but for him that decision was likely experienced as sudden and an abrupt change to his life. He is in what he knows to be ‘home’ with all the familiarity that comes with it and I get why he doesn’t want to lose that. It must be terribly hard for you both but I think waiting it out is all you can do.

CremeEggThief · 29/07/2025 20:51

YABU.
I'm not saying he is completely right, but he probably sees it as you abandoning the family from his teenage POV to be perfectly honest, so why would he want to stay with you?

nannyl · 29/07/2025 20:57

I was 14 when my Mum left my home to live with her new (vile, evil) partner.

I point blank refused to stay. (hated her and ended up hating him (which is another long story, but he abused my Mum then violently assulted me a few years later and deserves the very low opinion I have of him) (Thankfully she left him a long time ago, phew, after I had him convicted of the assualts on me)

I REFUSED to spend time with my Mum.... told her she would have to get me there through court and no court would make me up and leave my house at 14.

I can't imagine how I would have felt if i was forced to be there.... quite honestly I'd have run away, so if you up and leave your children, don't expect them to like it or want to come too.

(and for the record, around me being 18 ish, I went almost 2 years with no contact AT ALL with her, because i didnt want any)

My Dad became a brilliant single Dad

washitov · 29/07/2025 21:02

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 19:07

I feel like I’ve lost him. The idea of him 100% living with his Dad is absolutely terrible 😞 I am grieving so much, it’s like he’s died. I know that’s not true. I’m just very upset.

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He needs you, he needs that balance between your care and your ex's care and he is too young to be left alone in your ex' house as he says. In your shoes I would go back and not leave until he is ready for it. You will never get the time back, and he needs you.

Acommonreader · 29/07/2025 21:03

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 29/07/2025 19:16

The key message is in the last line. I've ruined MY life.
This is not about you. It's about your son. And no, it isn't fair to drag him out of the only home he has ever known to please you. His parens have separated and that is huge for him. Right now he can't cope with any more change and it would be totally unfair of you to try and 'force' it just for YOUR benefit.
You need to repair this relationship slowly, and at his pace And I time he may come round. But cock it up now and you've lost him outright.

And as for 'it's like he's died' - that is a horrible thing to say. You can still see him, visit him, hug him if her will let you, phone him if he is willing to answer...parents of children who have died can only visit a grave.

Edited

Excellent post. Please take this advice OP. Stop telling him he ‘needs’ to try an overnight. He’s doesn’t and you will push him further away. This is a long game and you will have to put a lot of sacrifice and effort in to create a positive situation for all concerned.

Original poster

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 21:04

londongirl12 · 29/07/2025 20:33

It’s not that you should have stayed. It’s the fact that he’s seeing it as though you left him. My mum left me and DS and we never truly forgave her.

That’s what I’m worried about, I should have been the one to stay. I’m at a massive disadvantage now. It’s had a catastrophic affect on my relationship with DS

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Original poster

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 21:06

washitov · 29/07/2025 21:02

He needs you, he needs that balance between your care and your ex's care and he is too young to be left alone in your ex' house as he says. In your shoes I would go back and not leave until he is ready for it. You will never get the time back, and he needs you.

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I would go back right now if I could.

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washitov · 29/07/2025 21:09

ExercicenformedeZ · 29/07/2025 20:40

Was your ex also emotionally abusive to your son, or was he a decent parent? I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I think that you were (as you acknowledge yourself) unrealistic to expect that your son wouldn't blame you. He's only a child and he won't have seen the impact of your ex's behaviour on you. Something about your posts rings a bell: were you the poster whose ex tried to get the child to steal earphones? If so, then I'm really sorry as he is clearly a supreme shit.

@SlateandSteel The first sentence here is a good point. People who are abusive are abusive, it isn't a relationship problem, it is an abuse problem. You need to think about the possibility/probability of your ex being EA to your son, whether at the moment your son is choosing him or not. Is going back an option?

Original poster

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 21:10

washitov · 29/07/2025 21:02

He needs you, he needs that balance between your care and your ex's care and he is too young to be left alone in your ex' house as he says. In your shoes I would go back and not leave until he is ready for it. You will never get the time back, and he needs you.

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I don’t think he would have me back now. I wish I had kept my family together. If I had known what would happen I would never have left.

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washitov · 29/07/2025 21:11

nannyl · 29/07/2025 20:57

I was 14 when my Mum left my home to live with her new (vile, evil) partner.

I point blank refused to stay. (hated her and ended up hating him (which is another long story, but he abused my Mum then violently assulted me a few years later and deserves the very low opinion I have of him) (Thankfully she left him a long time ago, phew, after I had him convicted of the assualts on me)

I REFUSED to spend time with my Mum.... told her she would have to get me there through court and no court would make me up and leave my house at 14.

I can't imagine how I would have felt if i was forced to be there.... quite honestly I'd have run away, so if you up and leave your children, don't expect them to like it or want to come too.

(and for the record, around me being 18 ish, I went almost 2 years with no contact AT ALL with her, because i didnt want any)

My Dad became a brilliant single Dad

Was it just your mother leaving which caused the problem or would there have been a rift even if she had stayed?

Original poster

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 21:13

nannyl · 29/07/2025 20:57

I was 14 when my Mum left my home to live with her new (vile, evil) partner.

I point blank refused to stay. (hated her and ended up hating him (which is another long story, but he abused my Mum then violently assulted me a few years later and deserves the very low opinion I have of him) (Thankfully she left him a long time ago, phew, after I had him convicted of the assualts on me)

I REFUSED to spend time with my Mum.... told her she would have to get me there through court and no court would make me up and leave my house at 14.

I can't imagine how I would have felt if i was forced to be there.... quite honestly I'd have run away, so if you up and leave your children, don't expect them to like it or want to come too.

(and for the record, around me being 18 ish, I went almost 2 years with no contact AT ALL with her, because i didnt want any)

My Dad became a brilliant single Dad

I didn’t up and leave him, I left my husband not my son.

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Saltedtoffee · 29/07/2025 21:14

Lots of children this age see very little of their parents.And some of my Son's friends don't want to spend time with their parents it's all about friends.If you was back in the family home you probably still wouldn't see a lot of him.
I would perhaps see this less of a divorce problem and more of a teenage problem.I absolutely felt like I was losing my teenagers but they come back.

ExercicenformedeZ · 29/07/2025 21:17

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 21:13

I didn’t up and leave him, I left my husband not my son.

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I doubt that your son sees it that way. The point is that you left the family home. I'm not saying that to kick you when you're down, I'm just seeing it from his point of view. If you're the poster I think you are, your son also has SEN and may well be extremely rigid in his thinking. Plus, his father and father's relatives also very likely have spun it as you deserting the family, not just your husband.

Original poster

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 21:18

Piknik · 29/07/2025 19:56

Would your ex consider a once a week house swap? You stay in the family home with DS once a week and you let him stay in your new house?

I know this muddies the waters a bit, but it might be worth thinking about.

Could be worth thinking about temporarily?

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Theswiveleyeballsinthesky · 29/07/2025 21:20

OP this is all very familiar. Have you posted about this before? If you have and it is you, it took you aaages to pluck up the courage to leave what was a horrible relationship and wasn't your ex deliberately trying to turn DS against you?

KeepcalmandtellthemtoFoff · 29/07/2025 21:21

Well if the family home belongs to both of you can you revisit that arrangement? Do the thing where you and he move out and the children stay where they are for a bit?

Wilfrida1 · 29/07/2025 21:22

Yes, nesting might work well if your ex agrees. Both children stay in marital home, and parents swap between there and another place.

ExercicenformedeZ · 29/07/2025 21:23

KeepcalmandtellthemtoFoff · 29/07/2025 21:21

Well if the family home belongs to both of you can you revisit that arrangement? Do the thing where you and he move out and the children stay where they are for a bit?

It depends on if he would be willing to do that. OP can't make him, any more than she can make her son stay overnight with her.

Original poster

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 21:24

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/07/2025 19:39

You’re being way too dramatic here. Words like “destroyed” and “devastated”. You literally said it was like he’d died, and he hasn’t. That’s far too dramatic. You need to calm down. I really hope you’re not talking to him in that way, because it would be inappropriate and potentially quite damaging for him.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, get some counselling or therapy, but try to deal with this more rationally. He’s coping with a massive change and will, with time, adapt. Your job is to support him, keep communication open and just be there for him.

This is all completely normal and you must have realised things wouldn’t just click instantly into place. It’s a big upheaval, but it doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. You just need to take a big step back and calm down.

No, I would never talk to him that way and say I was devastated etc, I did say I’m your Mammy and I need to see you too, properly overnight, not just in the day, I said we do need to see each other as much as he sees his dad. That our relationship is important and that he needs to get used to sleeping over at mine.

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TickingKey46 · 29/07/2025 21:25

Going back would not be the right thing to do, don't show your children that staying in a loveless and abusive relationship is just what you do!
With due respect you need to calm down!. He's just angry and feels as if he has no control, only control he has is by refusing to stay at yours.
Apologies to him for making him feel as if he has to stay. Then reassure him that of course he can go back to his dad's, that he doesn't have to stay over night. Then just enjoy the time you spend with him, don't bring it up or put any pressure on him.
With kindness, please don't make this about you!! This is your son trying to express his unhappiness about the situation.

Original poster

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 21:26

Sorry I can’t find the post but the person who asked if I’m the same poster who posted about the dad and the stolen air pods - that’s me.

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scottypippen · 29/07/2025 21:26

AWitchCalledMeg · 29/07/2025 20:09

You need to accept the consequences of your actions. Divorce hurts children, it is so damaging. But it is not fashionable to acknowledge this. Meet him where he is at, be patient.

Uncalled for post. So people are supposed to plod along and be miserable and suffer EA etc in incredibly unhappy marriages just so to not upset the children? I think its often more damaging for children to see their parents in these unhappy circumstances. loveless marriages with parents often at war. thats an awful environment for children.
I was far far happier when my parents divorced when I was 13, infact I wish my mum would have left him sooner!

valentinka31 · 29/07/2025 21:27

My son taught me something.

Kids don't think about if Mum and Dad are 'happy' etc. And nor should they have to.

They just want to be at home and everything ok.

So imo you should (privately) work with you ex so that your DS stays at home and you see him there.

Why did you break up?

Original poster

SlateandSteel · 29/07/2025 21:27

TickingKey46 · 29/07/2025 21:25

Going back would not be the right thing to do, don't show your children that staying in a loveless and abusive relationship is just what you do!
With due respect you need to calm down!. He's just angry and feels as if he has no control, only control he has is by refusing to stay at yours.
Apologies to him for making him feel as if he has to stay. Then reassure him that of course he can go back to his dad's, that he doesn't have to stay over night. Then just enjoy the time you spend with him, don't bring it up or put any pressure on him.
With kindness, please don't make this about you!! This is your son trying to express his unhappiness about the situation.

I do feel like it’s unnatural for a mother not to live with her child. It’s awful.

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