Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

[SlateandSteel]

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

Just asked ex if we can consider a schedule for DS coming to me for tea. He said I’m trying to force DS into doing something he doesn’t want to do and that at the moment he won’t even eat food from my house (who knows what has been said to DS) He said I need to repair my relationship with DS first before any schedules are put in place. He said I keep fucking everything up with DS. But again that leaves me having to almost beg DS to spend time with me and ex won’t get involved at all in any co-parenting arrangements. It’s a mess! He said I’m only thinking of myself. But if I don’t even see DS for tea where does that leave our relationship? I told ex that he was probably rubbing his hands with glee at the fact that I’m begging to see DS but that didn’t go down well. I really don’t know what’s going to happen now.

But how can I build my relationship with my son if I’m not seeing him and now he won’t accept any of my food as everything I cook gives him food poisoning apparently. Now even tea visits are off the table.

You son is a teenager. He can arrange his own contact with you. Instead of telling him what's going to happen you need to invite him, anticipate rejection, keep on asking and leave the door open. Things will get better and your relationship will improve but it will happen in his time frame not yours.

Your ex is your ex. You need to stop talking to him. He isnt your friend. He's already said he isn't going to get involved in your contact arrangements. The only reason you need to talk to him is if DS is sick, wants to make a change to school, religion ect.

Presumably, you are paying your ex CM for your son.

I have our youngest almost 80% of the time (disabled, profoundly autistic) I’m a carer for our son but going back to work soon.

I see teen in the day, take him for meals, day trips, buy him clothes, uniforms etc. Not sure how it would work out, ex works full time in a good job.

I do think 13 is too young to be able to make those kinds of decisions. He’s still a child and is not mature enough to act in his best interests. I do believe having regular contact with both parents is in his best interest.

I can read in your words your desperation to make things right - but please try to look at this from your sons perspective. Just a couple of months ago, everything he knew as his family and home has changed - if he is anything like I was at that same age, he is clinging to what he knew as home and rejecting the parent that has changed that.

All you can do is be patient and accept that, for now, your son needs you to back off and allow him to cope with all the changes that have happened to his life. It may be that your relationship with him may never be what is was, because what it was has fundamentally changed - he and you need to find a new normal, and that needs time, patience and respect from you both to each other to settle and grow.

While I agree having regular contact with both parents is in his best interests, forcing him into it isn't. Yes 13 is still a child but he should have a say in how he spends his time. You need to start small as tough as that is. Every baby step is a step in the right direction. Patience and time are going to be key here. Can you communicate directly with your son and invite him over rather than going through your ex?

But according to your other post (about CMS), you do have regular contact with him - during the day, meals, and day trips.

Yes I do, meals, day trips etc. It’s just with him going back to school that a regular schedule of when he comes to me for tea would help. Otherwise I work too and it’s hard to know how and when I’ll see him.

I have another idea for you. Phone Relate. They are sometimes amazing at seeing the wood for the trees in this tricky situations where all might not be as it seems, where there may be manipulation, and they may well be able to give you really good advice.

I think that some of the advice you have had here has been terrible, as I have said already, and I am shocked that 77 percent think you should let it ride. Relate is not expensive, you can simply set up an appointment by telephone, and they may well have brilliant advice (or at least, this was my experience albeit 10 or so years ago though my situation was different from yours). Make sure you frame most of what you say from your son's point of view, about how you feel you need to be with him more and about the potential alienation.

I read recently an article written by a psychologist which talked about narcissistic ex partners using children as pawns to hurt their ex partner and the signs are when one party appears to not want to act in the child's best interest (I thought of this when you said that your ex would not let you back because he didn't believe you wanted to try again with him - ie his thoughts were about himself not about your dc's needs) and Relate may well have experience of this and be able to give good advice.

*in these tricky situations

Thank you, relate sounds like a good idea. I even thought about couples counselling with my ex more to discuss co-parenting and better communication. I will give them a ring. It’s been very difficult as even my son coming over mine for tea now seems uncertain. It feels like things are getting worse. Today ex worked until 8pm and I text ex yesterday about DS coming over for tea. He said DS wanted to chill at home but I just found out my mil had him over hers for tea instead. It stings 😔

I imagine Relate will tell you that counselling with someone who is abusive (if that is their opinion too) will not work, it only works where both sides are genuinely trying to engage in a positive way. But hopefully they will have other excellent advice.

The posts here about "you can't force..." are nonsensical to me. Think about the things we enforce - to do homework, to be polite, to do housework, to treat others well - all the things we are teaching them and parenting them about could be seen as "forcing them".

Counselling when one party is abusive is pointless @SlateandSteel

If he goes, he'll use it as another opportunity to be controlling.

Thanks both, I’ll be having individual counselling via relate soon and I’m also having a coupe of free counselling sessions too. I honestly have no clue how to navigate this. Give him time? Let him know the offer is there to come down but don’t push it? Or push for a set schedule (tea time visits only right now) Or revisit potential overnights in a few months?

This week I have -

seen DS on Monday for 1.5 hours after school

Tuesday-he wanted to chill at home (ex was working late) found out afterwards that he went to MIL’s for tea. It stings.

im working too.

Friday - I may or may not see him. If he says he’s chilling at home what can I do?

Saturday is a definite day to see him for a few hours.

So where does that leave me? And our relationship?

You keep the door open, let him know that he can come and go as he pleases and that you love him.

The more that you push, the more he will pull away.

Edited to actually answer the question - No, you can’t force him to stay overnight.
Keep seeing him, cook for him, provide things, things to take home. This is primal - be seen as much as possible to be the mother figure. Good luck.

BTW My DM was the one to leave…

This is so difficult.
Ultimately though, you are short of choices. You cannot force him to go to your house. You have no control over your exDH and if your DS spends time with Grandparents.
It doesn't sound like your DS is going to change his mind in the short term. If this is the case, then all you can do is keep communication open with your DS and exDH.

Thank you, that’s really good advice, that’s what I’m doing, spending as much time as I can with him, giving him his pocket money as I would normally do, offering to cook for him and taking him shopping for anything he might need. That is what is so painful, the thought that my role as his mother is being taken away. It’s a shame as now he’s saying that everything I cook for him is giving him food poisoning (it’s not!) so he won’t accept any food from me.

I can only keep offering and hope for the best.

What was the outcome to your DM leaving if you don’t mind me asking? Did you still see her? If I had known what would happen with DS I would never have left.

Did you take your younger DC with you and leave him?

So I told my ex that I wanted to separate and I planned to move out, it look around 3 months to get my new place ready and in the meantime we told DS that we were separating and we would share custody, that he would stay with Mammy 50% of the time and the rest of the time with Dad. I moved out the day before ex and DS went on holiday. When they came back it was agreed that we would build up to overnights slowly but after that everything has gone pear shaped! Now it looks unlikely that they will ever happen.

Could he be jealous that you've taken your younger DS with you?

I’m not sure. That wasn’t the plan to just take one. We had planned to share custody of both. I would never have just taken one child and not the other.