Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

[SlateandSteel]

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

There are some very harsh comments on this for a woman who's just left an abusive relationship, she's being judged as a bad mother for leaving her abusive husband.

The impact of our separation feels catastrophic. I was so naive. I really thought DS would happily stay with me half the time. I never thought he would be refusing. 😔

From the point of view of your DS, he had a really nice day with you and then suddenly you tried to pressure/force him into doing something you know that he really doesn't want to do.

This isn't the way to rebuild a relationship and will lead to him spending even less time with you because a nice day can't just be a nice day without turning sour.

I can see it's really hard for you emotionally at the moment but you have to think longer-term. Even if you managed to force/coerce him into it, he'll be resentful and will stop as soon as he's able. Instead, make sure he knows that the room is there if he'd ever like to stay, and then back right off and leave him to decide for himself.

At 13 sorry but no and a court would be extremely reluctant and actually unlikely to make an order. Keep the focus on connection and hopefully he'll come around.

if you beg your ex to go back home, they will both know they can control you with their emotions… you need to be strong, spend time together and build up to overnights

My DM was the one that left, due to my Dad's own EA and me and my siblings stayed in the family home. It did take time but we're all a lot closer to my Mum now and my Dad but my DM is still so melodramatic about the whole thing even though it was 10 years ago. It's all about you and what you want, back off with the staying over and rebuild your relationship with him and stop being so dramatic - he's not dead and it's not like he's dead.

I read EA as emotional affair however I’m guessing not you mean emotional abuse.

I was in this situation. My son chose to live with his dad. I realise now that he’s an adult and we’ve been through a lot that he stayed not just for his own stability but because he felt sorry for his dad. He didn’t want to be another person that left him. He wanted to do the right thing. Kids can be so bright and take so much on themselves. It took a long time for him to know that it wasn’t his job and to not be angry with me. His older brother lived with me and eventually (after many months) he started staying the night. But I NEVER asked him to and I just let him lead.
You can’t turn things back. You shouldn’t in any case. You left with good cause. But you can give him more room for coming to terms with the new situation. He is hurting. And maybe if your ex is the abusive ass to you he sounds, then that also affects your son.

I wish I hadn’t brought it up. We are supposed to have 50/50 custody and I’m having pressure off my mum as to why he hasn’t stayed yet. She keeps saying “you are going to lose him” and that I need to just tell him that he’s staying and that’s it.

I thought the same and posted asking what EA meant, but yes i think its emotional abuse going off later posts.

yes, emotional abuse.

You’re being way too dramatic here. Words like “destroyed” and “devastated”. You literally said it was like he’d died, and he hasn’t. That’s far too dramatic. You need to calm down. I really hope you’re not talking to him in that way, because it would be inappropriate and potentially quite damaging for him.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, get some counselling or therapy, but try to deal with this more rationally. He’s coping with a massive change and will, with time, adapt. Your job is to support him, keep communication open and just be there for him.

This is all completely normal and you must have realised things wouldn’t just click instantly into place. It’s a big upheaval, but it doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. You just need to take a big step back and calm down.

Your son just as easily might have chosen to move out with his father. Keeping the house or not is irrelevant.

Just spend as much time as possible with your child and keep your bond strong. Do not bring your relationship with your ex into your relationship with your child. He doesn’t want to hear about any of it. He also doesn’t want to know too much about your new life. Right now he needs to just view you as his mother.

I’m just wondering what conversations you had with your son before you left? You say you made a room nice for him but it sounds like you have controlled it all and your son hasn’t really had a say in any of it. He definitely never had a say in the divorce happened and you are within you rights to make that decision but he is still processing it and trying to deal with it.

My advice is stop trying to force him to stay or have conversations around him staying when you are making him be the bad guy. He doesn’t want to stay with you at the moment. He has said it but you not accepting it and are essentially pressuring him for your benefit that’s not fair on a child.

Sounds like you are letting your mum get into your head.

Yes it must hurt that he hasn’t stayed yet but he just doesn’t feel ready and as a parent it’s our job to make our children comfortable even if that means waiting a few months.

Look at filling up your spare time with new hobbies and things. Make sure you have an identity that’s not just mum.

Also if your ex mentally abused you, there is no saying he isn’t pulling at the heart strings of your son that mums left and he can’t leave him too. Though I also imagine it will ware thin for the ex eventually when he wants to start bringing ladies home.

It’s not ‘catastrophic’. You’re being ridiculous, now.

He doesn’t immediately want to stay with you. He’s spending time with you and enjoying it, but wants to go back to what he considers home. Eventually, he’ll come to consider where you live as home, as well.

Your DS will be feeling all sorts of emotions so he wants to stay in his safe place which is home. That is totally understandable. Your DH doesn't have full custody, it is just your DS (at the moment) is choosing to stay in the family home.

I can't imagine how confused he must be, there will be so many questions going round in his head. Perhaps he feels if he goes to your house then he's saying he's OK with Mum and Dad not being together anymore. Perhaps he thinks that Dad will move or do something with the house if he doesn't stay there?

I agree with PPs that you need to bide your time. Don't force the issue, let him grow and come to some level of acceptance with what has happened. Poor thing his world has changed forever and he has had no choice. You and DH both had a choice.

I don't think you were naive to expect your son to be with you at least 50% of the time - that's standard.

It sounds like he's punishing you for leaving his Dad, by refusing to stay over, because he's angry and unhappy with the breakup.

I think you need to take it slow, the going on holiday idea is a good one. Make it really clear to him that you left his father, not him, and you're still his mother.

You could stress that both you and his Dad have agreed to 50/50, but you'll wait till he's more comfortable.

Counselling could be good for him to help him to work his feelings out - eg does he feel that you've left him with a bully, or has he witnessed your emotional abuse and thinks it's normal, so you shouldn't have left?

How did you imagine this playing out when you planned to leave ? How much notice did your son get about what was happening ?

You set it up? Maybe take him to pick things out for it.

Or start with having him later and taking him to his dad post movie night about 9.30pm.. make it feel like home while hes there so he wants to stay without the pressure

I messed up. We had a really nice day and I felt like everything was positive and we had made progress. We relaxed and had a movie afternoon, I cooked him nice food and he seemed to relax and played with his sibling too. I cocked up! I’m a twat!

Is the sibling staying over?

So it’s got a bed, bedroom furniture etc and it’ll have a tv and x box too, none of his stuff is in there yet.

The most important advice I can give is do not force it, however much it hurts. You let them know your home is their home, and you'll be there whenever they're ready. You stay in contact (agree with them how and when) but don't overdo anything that could be misconstrued as emotional blackmail (eg. 'really missing you' texts etc). Whatever is thrown at you, you need to weather, and stay strong for your son. Because, and I promise you, this won't last forever.

I say this as someone who was forcebly estranged from my dd for 10 years of her life. I was supposed to see her every other weekend but (because of the narcisstic games her father would play as a way to punish me) would often be told she didn't want to see me for months on end. It hurt unlike anything I've ever experienced.

But I played the waiting game. I'd cry myself to sleep most nights but stayed consistent with my contact and never pushed her or let her know how much K was hurting. Just made myself as emotionally available to her whenever she needed it, and made her know our home is always her home.

Then one night she rang me and asked if I could come pick her up from her father's house and stay at mine for a bit...That was 2 years ago, and she's never gone back.

One thing that helped get me through was matchmothers (google them). They're a charity set up for women who are apart from their children for whatever reasons. They're amazing and can help with all sorts from legal advice to emotional support. They've also got a phone line you can call.

You will get through this xxx

No. It's your ex's fault. He'll be manipulating your ds into thinking it's your fault.