Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

[SlateandSteel]

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

I know it's hard but you need to calm down.

Yes, your ds can decide where he wants to sleep. Give him time and let him get used to the reality of life with his parents apart. Support him in what he wants. At the moment he is holding on to his place in the family home because it is a remnant of his old life.

When your dad gets a new girlfriend, which he probably will, your ds may want to be with you more. You need to let these things settle. Your ds will come round.

Your mum is not helping the situation at all. Tell her firmly to back off. You don't need her saying the same thing to him either. Tell her this is non negotiable.

Gently does it. Let him come to you. build on your positive days together.

Also. He's now 13.. its a time of great change for him anyway.. He's not an adult yet but he's also not that lovely primary school kid. Its very hard for a mum anyway at that time.. but obviously for you at the moment it feels harder. He's trying to grow and be more independent... so give him a little emotional space. He will respond in his own time.

So take a leap of faith and trust that things will start to settle down.. Take some time out to plan things for YOURSELF in the next two weeks, even if its just to stop you worrying about this because its putting too much pressure on both of you... Get used to your new space, your new freedom, make some fun plans... Try not to be so needy around him. Relax.

Things will get better.

His sibling is profoundly autistic/non verbal with very high needs. Yes it could be that too. A “positive” that might come out of this is how he will get more 1-1 attention and time to chill out. Younger sibling needs constant watching etc

I know you feel hurt. I'm trying to say this in a nice way. Stop the self-deprecating. Stop making it all about you and your needs. You are taking it very personally. Your son wants to sleep in his own bed at home where he's comfortable and not in an unfamiliar place. He also wants to live with his dad, which tbh isn't a bad thing as long as his dad is a good man/ dad, he needs to learn how to be a man and that's not something you can teach him. Stop bringing up staying over. Make your house a home for him. Make him a nice room in your house even if he never stays over so he knows he always has a home with you. He will come round eventually. 13 years of being loved and nurtured by you doesn't disappear with a divorce or separation. You need to give everyone time to adjust and find where the fit, including you. I think you need to have some therapy to talk through and process your feelings.

It’s a complicated situation. Thanks for everyone’s replies. I feel more grounded and not so distressed. I still agonise that I should have stayed though.

I am sorry you feel so sad OP.Your DS is young and at an awkward age.you haven't ruined anyone's life.DS still wants to see you and hang out together. As it Summer hols maybe he might be up for a spot of camping ?or a travelodge in a town nearby. I Fnot try not to fret .say you can have a late night watching TV or a film then he goes back to Dad. Maybe a lunch out or cinema trip.seperation is hard on kids but he's not the only one! If RL is bad enough to leave. It won't get better by going back!

Yes, he probably needs the comfort of familiar surroundings and a feeling of agency at a time when things feel out of his control. Don't take that away from him.

I should never have taken her advice! She was basically saying that I need to give him an ultimatum - either he stays overnight now or I refuse to see him just in the day. Obviously I didn’t follow her advice where that was concerned 😟

I know this is easy to say.. But what is the point of agonising?
You made your decision based on what was happening at the time and because you needed to get away.
Going back now won't solve anything
Other than sending you back to square one of a very difficult life.

These changes take time and patience.
Look into the near future.. your DS will benefit greatly from having a happier, less stressed mother, rather than living with someone steeped in the misery of an unhappy relationship.
You will have shown him that people don't have to put up with unhappy situations, that people can be in charge of their own lives.
This is a chance for you to build a new and positive relationship between you both, as he moves towards adulthood. You will always be his mum and principle care giver, wherever he stays.

What the actual fuck is wrong with her?!

he hasn't chosen his dad, he's chosen the home he knows, where all his things are and where he feels safe. It isn't personal, or unusual, at this point. The more you push into it, the more you'll actually push him away.
My parents split when I was 15 and the one I blamed stayed in the house. I stayed because it was my home not because I chose that parent!

Your mum's advice was to give your son an ultimatum?

She hasn't got a clue.

Stop discussing this with her. Shut down the subject when she brings it up.

I'm not surprised you're in a state! Lie low for a bit. Go to the Cinema.. Start a daily walking routine, listen to podcasts any distraction you can think about.. but don't hang around listening to your Mum.

Is your husband going to have your younger child 50/50 ?

He was pretty terrible at times, name calling, threatening to hurt me, other horrible threats (to urinate on my stuff) but he had also improved and stopped the name calling etc. i didn’t take leaving lightly. It wasn’t due to just falling out of love with him. I didn’t leave DS either as I assumed that we would soon be sharing custody. I should have tried to work things out to keep my family together.

At the age he is, you need to think in terms of preserving the relationship, not legalities.

Look on the bright side - when ex has a new partner, ds will maybe decide he'd rather be with you.

Tell your dm this is no longer up for discussion - point out that you (I presume) haven't lived with her for years and she hasn't "lost" you. This is what happens; kids grow up and stop living with you, but if they love you, they always will. Your ds is less than five years away from being an adult; before you know it, he won't be living with either of you, or at least not full-time. It's just happening a bit earlier than usual. Try to focus on maintaining a good relationship when you're awake instead of worrying about the bit where you're both asleep. Don't put pressure on him or guilt him about your feelings. Breathe. It'll be ok; it'll just take some time.

Due to his work I’ll probably have him 70% of the time.

I know I’m thinking of myself again but I struggle so much when my youngest is staying overnight as I’m alone in my new house torturing myself, I have obliterated my family.

It’s not that you should have stayed. It’s the fact that he’s seeing it as though you left him. My mum left me and DS and we never truly forgave her.

Thank you.

Give him some time, forcing the issue will only push him further away. Give him a few weeks to get used to your new home (it will be strange for him and humans don’t like change - teenagers like change even less).

You are the grown up, pop on some big girl pants and show your son how reasonable adults behave.

This could be a very big reason as to why he likes to be at dads. It’s quiet and his not second to his brother.

Glass child.

Was your ex also emotionally abusive to your son, or was he a decent parent? I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I think that you were (as you acknowledge yourself) unrealistic to expect that your son wouldn't blame you. He's only a child and he won't have seen the impact of your ex's behaviour on you. Something about your posts rings a bell: were you the poster whose ex tried to get the child to steal earphones? If so, then I'm really sorry as he is clearly a supreme shit.

You need to get some help with this.

"I’m alone in my new house torturing myself, I have obliterated my family."

This is not healthy for you or your kids.

Torturing yourself? Obliterated? Come on. You have just had a pleasant day with your 13 year old.... he's not ready to stay over yet and got cross when you suggested it ( after listening to your clueless mother)

That's all that has happened. The realisation that you need to give him a bit of time. He's not obliterated.... You left an abusive relationship.. that part needed to be obliterated.. but you have at least 50 50.

Give yourself time too. but aim to be the person that your son wants to spend time with. His mum.. doing normal things that you used to do together, someone to moan at if he's had a hard day at school. and yes someone to care if he does his homework, someone who plans nice days out. You no longer have to answer to your Ex... this is freedom. Not tourture, not obliteration.

When you feel like "torturing" yourself, try distracting yourself as much as possible. Write a list of anything else you could be doing. What about all the things you couldn't do because you were trapped in a very unhealthy relationship. Even if you can't do everything immediately start making plans, anything to occupy your thoughts. Do you have any friends you could chat to who would make you feel better, meet for a coffee etc.?

Has your mother ever had to deal with divorcing an emotionally abusive partner and raising disabled children? If not, she has no idea what you are going through and you should ignore her advice.

Your son will get used to his parents being separated, he just needs time to adjust.

It sounds like you're spiralling a bit. When you feel this level of anxiety, try to do some 'box breathing' to calm your nervous system - breathe in through your nose for a slow count of 4, hold for 4, out through the mouth for 4 and hold for 4 again (lungs empty). Repeat at least 6 times.

When the thoughts come on strong again about things being 'your fault' (NOT true, your ex was abusive!) or your family being 'blown apart' (NOT true, things will improve and you'll get into the swing of things, these are early days!), you can acknowledge those thoughts - even say out loud "thank you brain, that's not true", and try to redirect your focus. Try to focus on the good day you had - that will also have had a good impact. Focus on the positive things you can do with your son when he next visits too - give him a list of things you think he'd like.

Your mum is incredibly unhelpful in this - is she prone to catastrophising or is se also emotionally abusive? If the latter, this might be one reason you were attracted to your ex!

Your son will come round. I would try to repair things with him this evening - if he has a phone send him a text to say you're sorry for pushing it with him, you were wrong and you did it because you miss him a lot. Tell him there's no pressure to stay ever, and what would he like to do together next time you see him. Lots of good advice in this thread regarding how to move forward with your son!

And, finally, remember the parenting mantra - "This too shall pass".