Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

[SlateandSteel]

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

You have got to stop forcing it and stop the bringing it up and stop telling him what he needs to do to get used to it in this situation he is old enough and wise enough to make his own decisions and do what he wants in his own time. You seem overbearing and you also need to adapt to your new normal on your own out of the family home with your son or not. It will take longer the more you push and he will resent you the more you push and also why the hell would you want to force anyone on earth to be somewhere they don’t want to be. I wouldn’t like to be in the company of someone who doesn’t want to be in mine family or not

@SlateandSteel 18 months ago I was where you are with my ds13, the pain was intense I also likened it to grief. Like you, I'd moved out the fmh into a new place while exh kept the house and we'd agreed 50 /50. I never once begged or blackmailed him to stay, my ex to be fair was consistent in bringing him round on my nights when he could and some nights he did go back to his Dad's. All I could do was reinforce he was welcome at mine, let him choose stuff for his half of the room he shares with his brother at mine, let him come to terms with it at his own speed. Its tricky in long school holidays as exs house is nearer to most of his friends so I can be a bit of taxi at times. Be strong, you will get through this, just hug and love him when he's with you, make him feel secure and go at his speed. Absolutely ignore anyone else and trust only your instincts and his wants. Good luck.

You didn't mention other dc in your earlier posts @SlateandSteel do you have other dc with the same man, are they living with you? how old are they?

ah yes, matchmothers as just mentioned were a bit of a lifeline for me at points in the process too

You are over dramatising this, the child's father does not have full custody of him ! the child is choosing to stay in his original bedroom !

In 5 years time he may very well be leaving the family home anyway i.e. off to University and many many children never return home after that.

In time and note the word time ! he may choose to sleep at your home sometime - it may be because his dad doesn't iron clothes the way you do or you cook something he really enjoys.or you clean the toilet more often.

You separated for a reason, get on with your life and it will all fall into place one day.

Please don't start thinking this way.

If it starts to show in what you do and say you will chase your DS away even further.

Would your ex consider a once a week house swap? You stay in the family home with DS once a week and you let him stay in your new house?

I know this muddies the waters a bit, but it might be worth thinking about.

You're not a twat. You made a mistake. One mistake isn't enough to alter anything drastically. Your mother is wrong, you're not going to 'lose him' by giving him space, but you felt under pressure from her, and you're upset.

How you reacted is completely understandable under those circumstances. From this thread you can see it wasn't the best way to go about things, but you can't go back in time and change it. Please, try to be kind to yourself. You can do things differently the next time he visits you. It isn't a disaster. Give your DS time, give yourself time, and don't force anything.

The time immediately after a separation is really hard, even when it was 100% the right decision. It'll get better.

How is/are the other child/children taking it? Are they with you 50/50 and just the 13 yo who doesn't want to stay with you?

Yes, one more DC. Younger, disabled who I have 70% of the time.

Your DS will have witnessed the EA in the home, and probably subconsciously absorbed how it works.

I find it really worrying how you keep saying you want to go back and wish it had never happened. Your DS may be picking up these vibes and it's making him feel confused and uncertain, why did you leave and cause so much pain, now you want to come back? Why did you go? You risk him thinking you are weak and your ex will be fuelling those uncertainties I'm sure

The best way to convince your DS is to be strong and sure of your decision - or at least look like you are when you are with him. You won't lose him, but you will need biblical levels of patience and understanding to get through this.

OP with respect you need to find a way to calm down. It sounds really upsetting and you’ve every right to feel how you do but it’s too early to panic and your reaction is marked.
Logically, you left for good reasons.
Don’t idealise and beat yourself up over what ifs.
You need to stop confiding in your Mum or not take her on when she makes such unhelpful comments.
Again looking at it rationally it could be a lot worse. Spending time during the day together is great. Concentrate on making the most of the time you do have.
He may never want to sleep over, it’s not the end of the world. He may on the other hand have a fallout with xDH at some point and come round.
He’s at that age where he can’t be forced to do anything.
From his perspective much of his constants have changed. Maybe not sleeping over is something subconsciously he feels he can control and so give him that.
Don’t mention it again except to apologise for putting him under pressure and in a light tone tell him there will always be a home for him wherever you are.
In practical terms you may need to pay full child support and if able, and if he might like to, would he be willing to go on a wee holiday with you and any siblings to break the ice?
Raising kids is a marathon not a sprint. In a year, 2, 5, 10 etc it could all be different so chill, concentrate on what you can control and just do the best you can.

Did you take the younger dc with you when you initially left, but left ds there?

You need to take a breather @SlateandSteel. Your child’s brain is not that of an adult and staying over in your new home will make it real/he may feel complicit.

I can absolutely understand that you feel terribly upset but it does sound like you’re prioritising your own needs rather than your own child’s.

Please PLEASE give him time. Tell your mother to stop interfering. And show your child unconditional love whether he stays over or not. He’s had a lot of upheaval and your priority now is his wellbeing so let him lead.

I was also wondering that.

I’d also go with not just that but also does the older Ds maybe find it a relief to not be with his sibling too much depending on the disability

Op, haven't you posted about this under a different name over the last few days? You need to give it time, for you as much for him. It's a big life upheaval and will take a while to acclimatise to the changes. Are you able to get some counselling to get your head round it all?

You need to accept the consequences of your actions. Divorce hurts children, it is so damaging. But it is not fashionable to acknowledge this. Meet him where he is at, be patient.

OP, I get that this is horrible, and heartbreaking, but you need to stop. He hasn’t chosen his Dad at all. He’s chosen to stay in his home, at a time when his whole life has imploded. It’s his one constant, and he still happily seeing you, so it doesn’t sound like he’s blaming or punishing you. He’s just trying to keep something steady.

You are being unreasonable in that you can’t force him, but I have huge sympathy for you. Teenagers are irrational and emotional creatures, and your son will have no idea how much this is hurting you. He can only engage with his own anger and insecurity right now. Trying to coerce him, while understandable given that you’ve done nothing wrong, will only make him dig his heels in. I think you have to meet him halfway - let him come on his own terms, be loving and accepting and try to get a dialogue going with him. I’ve found with my stubborn emotional teenage boy (who has PDA) that sometimes the only way to break a stalemate is to back right off and let him have complete agency, while letting him know that I love him and am here when he wants to talk.

Oh come on, witnessing abuse hurts children aswell. What should OP have done? Let her son grow up thinking that's normal and acceptable?

No, he wasn’t left, he went on a holiday with his Dad (it was booked a long time ago) then his sibling came with me. Then I saw oldest in the day a couple of times until today (he’s only been back 4 days. We knew that he was extremely reluctant to staying over, I did say we would chat about it in 3 weeks when ex was night shifts but I’m a dick and pushed for an overnight on the weekend after my mum kept saying how I will lose him over and over. I’m a tit! I will learn my lesson and back right off.

It could also be that it is the first time that he feels that he is being seen and put first.

@SlateandSteel But you picked it. Get him involved. He needs time to make it his home.

You left him (I as an observer know its not like that, understand why etc) hes 13 and his mum moved out set up a bed for him and told him he will be staying here.

He wants to punish you, probably doesnt even realise that he does. And at home, in his old room he can pretend this isnt happening. So you have to talk to him, be patient, let him make the room his and give him time to learn he has 2 homes.

And make it ok for him not to be ok with that yet

Really wise advice.