Hello!
It’s been on my mind to come back on here and update you all on what’s been happening, if you’re interested that is. I so much appreciated your support over those traumatic months, which are exactly a year ago now. During that initial first week when I hadn’t told a single person in real life, you guys saved me! Then in the following weeks, you continued to support and advise me, it was so so valuable. So much so that I’ve made a mental note that I want to repay and help others on here when they are in a total crisis, but still struggle to actually find the time! I guess at that time I was on mumsnet in place of eating and generally looking after the house and myself! Anyway, I digress…
I know I went against the advice of many, and took him back. It was such a risk, and the first few weeks were hellish. He wasn’t sorry, he wasn’t respectful and I couldn’t really see any change at all. At that point the motivation to let him come back was so I could “get my ducks in a row” so I could properly screw him a few months down the line on my own terms. Having a grander plan made me feel (know for a fact) I’m smarter than him and always have been, so enabled me to rise above his s*it and think about the bigger picture, either a happy family or a more financially lucrative divorce, on my timeline - win win.
He did go to individual counselling and that counsellor must be a Saint! He’s still drinking too much, smoking and working all hours but he’s become a much nicer person, more family oriented again and things are trending upwards. He’s even spoken about stopping smoking and is drinking a lot less.
As he’s got better, we’ve actually been able to reconnect. It’s not been plain sailing but it’s actually going really well. I can’t believe I’m saying this (as at the time I hated him) but sometimes I actually feel like I really like him and love him again, and that we’ll really get through this, and maybe even come out stronger.
The breakdown can be the breakthrough. That’s a thought one of you shared, and I thought about it a lot. I think for us it was true. I say was, as I feel like we’re on a good path now and back to happier times.
He’s also stopped travelling with his “colleague” and there have been some other drastic changes at work. He now doesn’t work with her so closely. Never travels with her and has really cut down on his travelling over all. He’s also stopped drinking with his colleagues and his boss even said to him “I wondered when you’d finally grow up” in a tongue in cheek way.
I’ve still not got to the bottom of all this, it’s something i hope to in counselling. I also need to work on my forgiveness as I still feel resentful sometimes. I suspect you were right, he probably was having an affair with her. It also explains why they are in such bad terms now, they don’t really speak. So I think it’s stopped now, and he’s taken a lot of steps to remove her from the situation. I hope he admits it soon.
Anyway, we start our first couples therapy session (since this awful time) tomorrow, and it’s made me reflect on where we are. In a much better place but with a lot to work through. Who knows where we’ll end up, but i feel hopeful, either as a happy family or an empowered single woman (hopefully the former).
Looking back I can’t believe how difficult those months were and how I survived them! It’s changed me as a person. It’s changed the way i deal with stress and given me so much gratitude and perspective. It’s also deepened the bond I have with my children in a way that I never thought possible. It’s actually quite beautiful (to me at least), that we’re a solid 4 and dads on the outside as an optional extra. Of course I’ve not told him that..
Anyway, to anyone going through the same hell now, my heart goes out to you, it’s the worst! But you will get through it and you will come out stronger, I promise!
Thank you everyone for your support! Xx