Part two - Husband leaving me for other woman (I have a baby, 2 and 4 year old!)

[Gnarly999]

Hello all,
Wow thank you so much for the replies on the other thread, I don’t think I realised that there was a max amount of posts, so thank you. It’s really helped me see him for what he is, find my anger and also just distract me from checking their social media constantly too.

You’ll notice that this time I’m posting on the divorce area, as I think that’s where we are now, so your advice has been taken in.

I also may start another thread just to continue ranting about him in general too, and how it all plays out.

Lots of great advice, but I wondered if anyone had advice on this, relating to the divorce specifically:

1. Hiding assets - exDH has a number of very expensive properties in his name. They were bought in his name by his parents, to avoid inheritance tax later on. They mainly use them, but legally they belong to him and his sister. I have no proof of this, but do know it’s true, at least for two properties. I wouldn’t try and “take them”, but I would want to use this as leverage to keep my property which I bought before we were married. So the question is, can they just change the names of the owners back to his mum and dad? Or just to his sisters name? What can I do to get ahead of this?

2. Company shares - exDH is due to get a large amount of shares in a company quite soon. It’s something he’d been building up and essentially he always saw the hard work as worth it as the payday would come, even though we’ve not seen anything yet, much. So I’ve supported him looking after all the children on my own while he’s been doing this, but if the “transaction” happens after separation or divorce, then I guess I’d have no claim to this?

3. Custody - there’s a lot of people saying it’s best to get 50/50, but I just think I’d miss my kids too much and don’t want him to have them!! I’d want them to keep a relationship, but I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost my marriage and my children! It’s going to be a rough few years, but in the long run, probably good to have had them as much as possible? What do you think?

4. Ducks in a Row - people saying this a lot, but what do they really mean?

A lot of this seems really mean and nasty, but I’m angry. He left me for his junior colleague, while I have a baby, 2 year old and 4 year old!! Someone we’d argued about a lot, and he used to gaslight me, when really he knew i was right all along - it’s terrible! So I essentially want to take him to the cleaners.

Glad you’ve come back OP - I’m so sorry for the shit situation your arsehole of an ex has put you in. I can’t advise on all of your questions, but on point 1 - it’s unlikely they’d be able to change the ownership easily, as they’d have to register the change with land registry and pay stamp duty afaik, which would hopefully put them off

On 4 - I think it’s doing all the things you’re doing now - fact finding, gather financial info, gather important documents, but I hope other posters will be along who can help you more.

Sending a hug to you, and lobbing a prickly cactus up the arse of your ex

Ask the Land Registry about ownership of the houses.
I did this last week online, had a certificate emailed to me in about 20 mins. For a house I have never owned.

Cost me £20 for the one address. Assuming it's £20 per address for you.
But do it now, right now.

If the ownership has changed from your husband's name to hide things then there is also a certificate listing previous and current owners. Choose that one maybe?

And if you want proof on the properties, look them up on land registry - it costs a few pounds to get the document showing ownership etc

I’d advise to get onto a lawyer and quick as he can easily and no doubt is beginning to transfer those assets to trusts etc to ringfence them. You can buy a cheap Land Registry registration to check what names properties are in if you have the addresses

edit / oops cross posted with PP

I don’t agree with 50/50, esp when so young! I’d go for every second weekend and maybe a day in the other week or Sunday night. He then has to pay more maintenance but it’s not about that, it’s so the children have one main secure base with their primary carer

Checking in. Hope you're OK @Gnarly999

Fairly certain that if he disposes of his assets in the shared investment properties then capital gains tax would be due? Your can't just hand assets to family members - CGT is due at the time of disposal on the actual increase in value of their share, even if no money changes hands (ie if it's disposed of for less than the market price)

Ducks in a row. Find as much information or as you can. Be as prepared as possible. So land registry details, bank account balances, anything saying that a certain amount of shares will be awarded in 2026 for work done in 2022 etc. Often involves you going through as much paperwork as possible to get information that would be useful. Wage slips. End of year tax stuff. Financial records of his other assets. Bank accounts. Share certificates. And so on. Get copies and replace innocently. Keep your copies at a safe place, not at home. I'd apply for and then keep passports for the children there too.

Well done you for being so proactive. It’s not easy. You may be able to register your interest in the properties with the land registery. I did this with a property my ex husband owned. Wishing you luck.

lot of this seems really mean and nasty, but I’m angry

It really isnt OP, if anything you're being far too nice! You come across really laidback and mild mannered. I really hope you get everything you're entitled to from the selfish bastard. He's properly done a number on you and I don't think I've ever hated someone quite as much whom I've never met! I can just imagine the kind of twat he is - billy big balls swanning about with his mistress, leaving his poor wife at home going crazy with exhaustion from the lack of support with her babies and being gaslit the whole while about the reasons he's leaving you all - it's just bc he "sees you as a sister now" and obviously bc you're such an unreasonable harridan, expecting him to actually spend some time with his kids and y'know- be slightly involved in family life.

They all follow the exact same script and DARVO shit - have you looked at chump lady yet?

I really hope you get a SHL who advocates to fuck out of a decent settlement for you - you'll probably need a forensic accountant too but I believe they're worth every penny. Hopefully posters will be able to advise better. I've seen several friends go through this and too many posters on here to count over the years. All follow very similar paths and the outcome is always that the woman eventually ends up much happier when they've jettisoned the dead weight of their useless spouse and wonder how they put up with them for so long. I'm guessing the longer he's gone the more you'll realise how he was a massive bellend who didn't bring much to your life.

Have you told his beloved mother yet?

Sorry I meant to put all this in one post… lawyers are ridiculously expensive. Like ballpark for this £30k possibly, depending on what he does or goes for.
Can recommend Family in Law Partnership or Penningtons - but these are top tier and many might suggest a cheaper option.
You can get free initial chats and the more info on his assets the better they’ll be able to guide you.
Act fast though while he’s still thinking with his c@ck.
I think you’re great and you can do this fuelled by how bloody outrageous he’s treated you all

My partner has put properties in the kids names , never had to pay stamp duty.

He’s shafted you. I’m so glad you want to take him to the cleaners ❤️

Have you got yourself a good divorce lawyer? I would talk it through with them and they will tell you what you need to find out. Glad you've found your anger - use it to fuel you in the months ahead. It sounds like he's unlikely to want 50/50 care of the children, unless it's to avoid paying you maintenance.

My advice is to get a settlement while he still feels guilt and regret. If he sees you moving on he’ll stop playing fair !

Glad to see you're seeing him so clearly now! It's unlikely he'd want 50/50 custody while he's still in then honeymoon period of OW, right? Get that forensic accountant, it sounds like it will be worth it financially. There's no way he's going to play remotely fair.

You can do land registry online. It's instantly downloaded. It costs £7 per address'.

My DH is a lawyer and he says on point 1 you should be entitled to 50% of his share of those properties.

He says he'd be very stupid to try to hide those assets, or change ownership, as it would be considered trying to hide martial assets and be very easy to track during the divorce process.

Lawyer up!! Best of luck OP

Hi @Gnarly999, so glad you’ve found your anger, you need to channel it and be ruthless, because he’s certainly going to be. luckily you are smarter than him and in the long run you will come out victorious.

As a side note I hope he’s no longer trying to gaslight you and has admitted to the affair.

Your children are incredibly lucky to have one lovely, selfless parent, who is putting their needs first. Children recognise these things and will see him for what he is. In 10 years time he’ll look back and realise what he’s lost, you’ll be the one with the close bond with the children, the one out there living your best life. He’ll be sad and washed up, probably driving around in an overpriced sports car but underneath it all sad and pathetic xx

Use your anger to get your fair share.

The odds are you are going to be doing the majority of the child rearing for the next 18+ years. Think about the impact that will have long term on your lifestyle - loss of income, being the default parent for organising & paying for out of school care, school holidays, extracurriculars, clothes etc etc, reduced pension savings.

Fathers can talk the talk (and walk the walk) while the divorce process is going through but if he's not a PAYE employee it's far too easy to pay minimal maintenance and any court agreed contact arrangements for the non-resident parent are unenforceable.

Thank you!

I have told his mum and dad, they are furious with him. Although they are more furious with the OW, saying how manipulative she must be and how awful it is that she’s done this etc. I didn’t correct her, but she doesn’t seem to fully get it, that what he’s done is so unbelievably bad. I guess that’s a mothers love..

He’s not admitted the affair yet. Although he did return from travel last night and was due in the office today, but according to MIL he worked from home, which he never does, he hates WFH. So this surely must mean he’s losing his mind that the truth is out and can’t bare to show his face in the office? If it wasn’t true, then surely there would be no problem.

Is he going to push for 50-50? Personally I would not have been keen and my ex never pushed for it. Start with what you want/ would be best for children.

Hey id recommend you very quickly get legal advice if he is as logical as you describe then the length of your marriage and initial contributions will count its less the 7 years i think you said. You won't be able to take him to the cleaners you will right now be able to negotiate an extremely generous settlement that favours you. I know women will come on here saying otherwise but please this is a lose lose fight but if you decide to lengthen this process you will lose the most. Get a solicitor to draft the settlment you take it to his parents bring in your parents. This is how you negotiate from the position you are in. Good luck. We call this joint arms your leveraging diffrent things to bear down on him but you do not have much time.

Carry on ranting Gnarly, best to externalize than internalize!I

The Mumnetters are giving some great advice and you know everyone has got your back.

It's a horrible time for you and your little ones, try and take care of yourself.

As for the arsehole of your stbx,

May the fleas of a thousand camels invest the crotch who screws up your life (for the moment), and may their arms be too short to scratch.

@Gnarly999 very sorry you are going through this.
Your exDH is a complete bastard but also a tedious cliche.

If you can find a decent lawyer they are worth their fees. I would do this ASAP as well as getting all the information you can on his pay and assets. I believe the person who starts the divorce petition has more say in the cadence of procedures - please check this with your lawyer.

In terms custody and the ages of your DC and your wishes, 50/50 seems unlikely.

Have you asked him to return half the savings for you and your DC?

Check with your solicitor but I think you can register a marital interest with the Land Registry on those properties.

And as for not wanting them, find your anger and get your fair share out of this lying bastard.