Part two - Husband leaving me for other woman (I have a baby, 2 and 4 year old!)

[Gnarly999]

Hello all,
Wow thank you so much for the replies on the other thread, I don’t think I realised that there was a max amount of posts, so thank you. It’s really helped me see him for what he is, find my anger and also just distract me from checking their social media constantly too.

You’ll notice that this time I’m posting on the divorce area, as I think that’s where we are now, so your advice has been taken in.

I also may start another thread just to continue ranting about him in general too, and how it all plays out.

Lots of great advice, but I wondered if anyone had advice on this, relating to the divorce specifically:

1. Hiding assets - exDH has a number of very expensive properties in his name. They were bought in his name by his parents, to avoid inheritance tax later on. They mainly use them, but legally they belong to him and his sister. I have no proof of this, but do know it’s true, at least for two properties. I wouldn’t try and “take them”, but I would want to use this as leverage to keep my property which I bought before we were married. So the question is, can they just change the names of the owners back to his mum and dad? Or just to his sisters name? What can I do to get ahead of this?

2. Company shares - exDH is due to get a large amount of shares in a company quite soon. It’s something he’d been building up and essentially he always saw the hard work as worth it as the payday would come, even though we’ve not seen anything yet, much. So I’ve supported him looking after all the children on my own while he’s been doing this, but if the “transaction” happens after separation or divorce, then I guess I’d have no claim to this?

3. Custody - there’s a lot of people saying it’s best to get 50/50, but I just think I’d miss my kids too much and don’t want him to have them!! I’d want them to keep a relationship, but I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost my marriage and my children! It’s going to be a rough few years, but in the long run, probably good to have had them as much as possible? What do you think?

4. Ducks in a Row - people saying this a lot, but what do they really mean?

A lot of this seems really mean and nasty, but I’m angry. He left me for his junior colleague, while I have a baby, 2 year old and 4 year old!! Someone we’d argued about a lot, and he used to gaslight me, when really he knew i was right all along - it’s terrible! So I essentially want to take him to the cleaners.

"His mum and dad are still distraught at his behaviour and begging him to go back to me and the kids. They tell me he’s planning on coming back very soon. He’s also started being nice to me again. Well, better than before."

I sincerely hope you wouldn't take him back. He has an utter audacity to treat you how he did, leave you devastated, then come crawling back. If it were me, I'd be making it clear to his mum and dad that you wouldn't have him back so you'd appreciate if they stopped begging him to do so!

Mum and Dad are concerned that you will get your hands on 50% of the properties that they have put in other names...

Did you ever find the time to look up the land Registry details for these properties ?

remember Mum and Dad are not your friends, they will always be on his side, he is family.

Glad you are coping @Gnarly999

Please stay strong. He clearly has a lot to work through which TBH only he can do.

A big red flag that he is not admitting or owning his appalling behaviour, if he was truly repentant he would be begging for forgiveness

Definitely this.
But I am a wife who forgave an affair. I had a 3 yr old and together for 5 years at the time.
I had all the remorse , tears and regret etc and I had to 'eat the shit sandwich' (please read Leave a Cheater, Gain a life ' by Tracey Schorn.) for a long time.
Then had a 2nd baby.

Then he cheated again.

By this time my self esteem was on the floor (as it was all my fault for not giving him enough attention post partum).

The last affair started a year before our 35th wedding anniversary (together 37 years).

I divorced him.
Adult son said I should have got rid years before even though we got on very well.
Many said we were the 'perfect' couple. Were so surprised.

He was shocked as he had learnt that I always forgave and forgot, I took the blame for his behaviour (warped I know now!) but I have discovered a whole new woman inside myself.

I too wanted to keep my family unit together and worked so hard to do that. And he just took advantage I now realise.

only you can decide what to to do. Maybe having him about for the early years of the kids works for you but prep yourself for an independent future at the time of your choosing.

My story is just mine. My regret is not getting shot of a cheater decades earlier. And we also had parents who were really vested in us staying together too.

Stick around for 5 more years then you will get 50% you need to get passed that mark. I know it's mercenary but put yourself first.

@BeCleverViewer

why 5 more years ?

I can't remember if the Op has said how long they have been married, but I do recall they have been together for at least 15 years - as in the first thread she had said about him bringing up things from 15 years ago.

Please don't take him back! It's all smoke & mirrors. You'll take 20 steps backwards & kick yourself if you go back. He won't change but the important thing is YOU have! You are confident, capable, happy to navigate life without him. He can fuck back off to whatever sewer he's crawling from.

He's realised there's a cost to him leaving - social and financial cost - so may want to pretend none of it ever happened.

I'd bet if he got back into the family home there'd be a lot of assets transferred to his parents or put into trusts, so that next time he has an affair and you kick him out, there's very little in the pot for you and the kids.

Other thread married less then 7 years

Please do not take this idiot back, he sees you on your feet and looking amazing and well done you for getting yourself back on track and your getting a life back he will slide in and become restless and thoughtless and you will hate it, and yourself.... there are so many better opportunities ahead focus on you and your children let him rot doesn't look so good when noone wants a grown ass man at home with his parents with 3 babies he's walked out on and all of a sudden wants you all back realising how good he had it well stay away he will drag you down with him your amazing stay strong for yourself and your kids they don't need a man in the house to be happy trust me

Sorry, i've joined late, I'm trying to get the link to the first thread to get the back story

@Gnarly999 His mum and dad are still distraught at his behaviour and begging him to go back to me and the kids. They tell me he’s planning on coming back very soon. wt actual f!! do they all think you are zipped up the back?? do they think that after all this, he gets the right to decide if he is coming back to you? have they not thought about any decision you want to make?? the three of them are very self centred if they think their decisions are the ones to be given priority! have they thought to ask you if you are allowing him back!

Don’t do it OP! I did and it didn’t work out.

Ultimately he’s selfish and he’s shown you that he’s only ever interested in himself, by wanting to come back now simply proves that point. He’s not ‘seen the light’ or genuinely ‘realised what he had’! He’s just realised his life now isn’t the shiny, and bright one he thought it would be. His easiest option is to go back to you, especially now he’s seen the ‘new and improved’ you. But you can bet your mortgage he isn’t new and improved, he’s just after an easy life with someone he knows, what he’s not done is worked on himself.

Ask yourself what would happen of you agreed to start again with him, but took off the table the living arrangements. Told him you’d date him for 12 months and only after this time would you start to consider a cohabiting relationship? You keep money, housing and pretty much everything off the table. Do you think he’d want to continue like that for the foreseeable future. No less than 12 months? If he says no then you have your answer.

He’s probably WFH to scramble and hide things. You must get as many docs as you can relating to house ownership etc now

My exh left, claiming depression and rented a flat. He had the children on Christmas Eve, brought them back Christmas morning and promptly asked to come back. I agreed, being a big softy. He lasted three months, having promised the earth to his 14 year old son. He left the day after his 10 year old daughter's birthday. He didn't give a damn about his children and their feelings, it was all about him. Of course, there was another woman. My advice would be, don't be in a rush to make a decision. His need to be part of your family doesn't mean you have that need. Take your time. It is entirely possible that his parents are pushing this and he's going along with it for a quiet life. He may be genuine, who knows? I thought my ex was.

DH only cares about what his parents think, possibly only because of the inheritance he is about to loose. He had no remorse when he was gaslighting her. He is vile and i doubt his behaviour has reformed. It will happen again and again and again.

Yes. If he was serious, why wait: They tell me he’s planning on coming back very soon. If he was serious, why very soon?

also, you now know he has a drink problem on top of being a cheat.

what i think you should be doing is on insisting on more balanced care for the children. Why is he only having two of then and only on a saturday? Other parents have to parent when they are working too. He needs to take responsibility for more days and nights.

well done op, you have done the hardest part, stay strong, don’t let the weasel back in the door, you already have had a glimpse of a better life which will only get better!

His mum and dad are [...] begging him to go back to me and the kids. They tell me he’s planning on coming back very soon.

Long term, his parents are not on your side. They're warming you up to the idea of his return.

I'd ask them to stop telling you anything about him, claim it's too painful. Even if the real reason is that that you're sick of manipulative guilt tripping.

Let him think you might consider getting back together while you write a post-nuptial agreement.

I wouldn’t fall into the trap of believing that the children are better off with their dad in the house.

Has he left? If so ...
have you applied for maintenance (unless he's already giving you more than you would get]?
Have you applied for si gke person occupancy on council tax?

Just keep your guard up, OP. Is he missing you as a person he loved or is he missing having a home, children, a housemaid and a perfect facade to the rest of the world? Or has the OW said thanks but no thanks? The therapy, depression and drinking are text book "justifications" for his behaviour and doesn't sound like he's taking any level of responsibility.

If you do allow him to come back to you, then do it on your terms and not his. My DH and I separated for 6 months and when we started discussing a return to the family home, he bulldozed my feelings and needs and I deeply regretted it for a long long time. A lot of the women on this thread have been right where you are - and there's some really good advice. At the very least, you want proof of his therapy and some joint sessions together before he steps a foot over the threshold again.

Oh don't take him back just because the OW had the sense not to take him on!! If she had he d be happily over there, he doesn't really care what woman is in his life as long as there's some one to do the childcare and dogsbody work

“I genuinely think there are better guys out there for me, I really see how pathetic he is now”

you wrote this!

don’t be an addendum to this man’s life

i don’t think you could trust him again, he left you to give birth alone, and like people said, emptied your bank accounts

your children would be fine

Exactly this! His parents are begging for him to return to you but what makes them think you will have him back?

I have been following the thread but first time I am commenting.

@Gnarly999 you are brave coming back to update and knowing a lot of posters will not support your idea of reconciling with your H.

There is very good advice on here but if you are considering taking him back, you need to make him jump through hoops to earn even a side glance. Hes done so much. Reread your posts. He’s more than capable when he wants to me. Please be careful x