Part two - Husband leaving me for other woman (I have a baby, 2 and 4 year old!)

[Gnarly999]

Hello all,
Wow thank you so much for the replies on the other thread, I don’t think I realised that there was a max amount of posts, so thank you. It’s really helped me see him for what he is, find my anger and also just distract me from checking their social media constantly too.

You’ll notice that this time I’m posting on the divorce area, as I think that’s where we are now, so your advice has been taken in.

I also may start another thread just to continue ranting about him in general too, and how it all plays out.

Lots of great advice, but I wondered if anyone had advice on this, relating to the divorce specifically:

1. Hiding assets - exDH has a number of very expensive properties in his name. They were bought in his name by his parents, to avoid inheritance tax later on. They mainly use them, but legally they belong to him and his sister. I have no proof of this, but do know it’s true, at least for two properties. I wouldn’t try and “take them”, but I would want to use this as leverage to keep my property which I bought before we were married. So the question is, can they just change the names of the owners back to his mum and dad? Or just to his sisters name? What can I do to get ahead of this?

2. Company shares - exDH is due to get a large amount of shares in a company quite soon. It’s something he’d been building up and essentially he always saw the hard work as worth it as the payday would come, even though we’ve not seen anything yet, much. So I’ve supported him looking after all the children on my own while he’s been doing this, but if the “transaction” happens after separation or divorce, then I guess I’d have no claim to this?

3. Custody - there’s a lot of people saying it’s best to get 50/50, but I just think I’d miss my kids too much and don’t want him to have them!! I’d want them to keep a relationship, but I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost my marriage and my children! It’s going to be a rough few years, but in the long run, probably good to have had them as much as possible? What do you think?

4. Ducks in a Row - people saying this a lot, but what do they really mean?

A lot of this seems really mean and nasty, but I’m angry. He left me for his junior colleague, while I have a baby, 2 year old and 4 year old!! Someone we’d argued about a lot, and he used to gaslight me, when really he knew i was right all along - it’s terrible! So I essentially want to take him to the cleaners.

@climb12sides Does anyone know if this means in the event of a split that houses that are put into children’s names are not considered part of the marital assets? My husband is talking about buying a second property as a holiday let (in an area he loves but I don’t like) and putting it in one of our adult children’s names to avoid stamp duty. We haven’t been getting along recently and I’m worried he is trying to hide assets. Sorry to hijack the thread but this has been worrying me.

I'm not sure if he could hide assets this way cos he would have to provide documentation proof where the purchase money came from.
Maybe pop into an estate agent and ask?

Yip. My husband's brother done the same thing to our sister in law and kids. His new partner never bothered her backside with his kids and he stopped seeing them. We've always stayed in touch with our ex sis in law and the kids and we holiday to each others houses. Our MIL thought the sun shone out his backside! But I'm pleased to say the ex sis in law is currently engaged now to a lovely fella who's great with the kids and basically a part of our family to! As for the bro in law, him and his partner basically have nobody. Met her once at the MIL funeral and instantly couldn't stand her!

@climb12sides Thanks for your response. It is definitely something I need to look into. Due to relocation overseas (back in the UK now though) haven’t worked for the duration of the marriage. My husband is talking about getting a mortgage for the second house but in reality he doesn’t need my signature as he could just get the mortgage himself as I don’t have a salary. I suppose he can just go ahead with this himself without including me and put it in our son’s name which is what I’m worried about. I don’t think I can stop him doing this regardless even though I’ve told him I’m not happy about it.

Hi @Gnarly999, how are you doing? I hope you’ve been getting lots of real life support ❤️

Hope you and the children are ok ? Please do come back and give us an update, we know your a busy woman with 3 little ones but perhaps when their in bed

Hi all, sorry for being so quiet. I’d been focused on moving on. Trying to be a good mum for the kids, make plans again and try and enjoy life again. Obviously there were times I was desperately sad, or anxious, but they became mixed with times I actually felt happy again. Funnily enough, last weekend was the first weekend I can say I actually really enjoyed since all this began (maybe even before..). Started embracing the older two DCs seeing their dad on the Saturday and having time for just me and baby, making plans to see friends, as opposed to feeling lost and sad that they weren’t with me. Then enjoying the time with the DCs more the following day and planning a day out and roping in a friend to help out etc. I started to realise I am coping, and actually not just coping but actually doing really well. All the anxiety made me lose my appetite for a few months, so I lost 3 stone!!! I get compliments everywhere I go now!
DH on the other hand, looks a total state. People that don’t know anything was going on ask me “is he okay? He looks terrible”.

Anyway, just when I started to embrace being a single mum, who comes crawling back…

I wasn’t feeling angry or that upset anymore, so had a decent conversation with him last week. He’s admitted he’s depressed, and is due to start therapy soon. I think everyone has also realised he’s got a drinking problem too, since he left he’s been out almost every night. He’s still living with his parents, and continues to deny the OW. I’m not sure if that truth but we all think there had been an affair, perhaps not so seriously, but that it’s ended now. He certainly hasn’t moved in with her etc. I do think he’s been on a few dates though, from what people have told me, and found a few receipts.

His mum and dad are still distraught at his behaviour and begging him to go back to me and the kids. They tell me he’s planning on coming back very soon. He’s also started being nice to me again. Well, better than before.

It’s now all reopened for me again. The confusion. The wanting to be a happy family, and wondering if we can, if he will change. Or if it’s better to tell him completely where to go. I genuinely think there are better guys out there for me, I really see how pathetic he is now. Funny how a lot of people saw him like that but never told me until this. But I can’t help but think, I won’t be meeting any of them for a few years anyway (how? When I never manage to get in the evenings), and it would be good for DCs to have their dad home.

Anyway, we’ll see what happens, but just thought I’d share an update! X

and when you have him back that gives him the opportunity to get his finances in order - out of sight and away from you !

OP, sadly no he isn't going to change. He made a choice and had an affair. You saw proof and he is denying it. That tells you he is a liar. You cannot reconcile with someone who lies. He just now realized his life is shit because he doesn't have a wife to take care of him and a mistress to fuck on the side. You deserve better than this sorry excuse for a man. He betrayed you. You do not owe him anything. He missed your child's birth because he wanted to fuck someone else. He gave up his life with you and now wants to grovel back thinking you are weak. You aren't weak. You are amazing. You deserve the world and not some lying creep who didn't appreciate you in the first place. Kids do not do better with both parents at home. That is just not true. Kids do best with a happy mum who has her pride and self esteem back. You are doing great without him. Please don't buy into his groveling nonsense. You will be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life wondering every single time he is out late or doesn't call when he should. Be strong, you have better things coming your way that aren't selfish self serving twats.

Oh OP - stay strong. This is the twat that emptied your joint account. Gaslit you. Had an affair. You are clearly thriving without him. He will of course just do it again if you got back together!

So glad you’re on the way to a happy life - he doesn’t sound worth trying again for…..sorry but I think he’ll just hurt you and your children all over again. Don’t get nostalgic for the old days - he blew up your old life with very little care or responsibility.

Good to hear from you OP, and it sounds like you’re doing really well.

Only you know if you could ever trust him again, and whether he is genuinely remorseful and could change. I suspect a decent guy would never have behaved like that in the first place, but it’s your life and no judgement from me either way.

Oh OP I’m so glad things are better for you at last. And no doubt part of the reason he wants you back is because you are succeeding, looking great, and not dependent on him. BUT he hasn’t changed, has he? If he really wanted make this work, he’d get some months or years of therapy under his belt. He’d quit the booze. He’d be back when he’d sorted himself out, accepting that you might find someone else in the meantime and that he couldn’t exactly blame you if you had. He wouldn’t come sniffing around with his poor me act, suddenly being all considerate when he showed absolutely NO consideration for you OR YOUR KIDS only a matter of weeks ago. Think what taking him back now would do to your children if he then left again.

Maybe there’s room in your life for this man again, but not now. Not when he hasn’t done any of the real spadework. I absolutely do believe that people can change but it takes so much hard work and a lot of time. It doesn’t take a few weeks of drunken navel-gazing and a therapist’s appointment. Keep it civil for the kids, keep the communication open for their sake, but do not let him wheedle his way back in just because you’re grieving still for the life you wanted to have.

Also OP, I’d bet my house on the OW having shat a brick when he left you and ended it. It was probably the bucket of cold water she should have had months ago - suddenly it’s not an exciting illicit fantasy affair, it’s got really real. She’s about to be a stepmum to 3 little kids. She’s got to wake up next to him smelling his morning breath every day. She’s got to share her space and her life with someone she deep down knows is a waste of skin, because if he wasn’t, he would have ended his marriage before he had an affair. And she has to tell all her family and friends how it came to be.

It’s not because he’s realised he can’t live without you.

Leave him hanging for a few more months. Don't welcome him back with open arms. Seriously consider if taking him back is best for you and the kids and tell him you're undecided. Play it cool and don't just take him back immediately. If you take him back so soon, he'll think he can do whatever the hell he likes in the future. Plus make him apologise profusely for speaking about your private life to that woman. Whether they were having an affair or not, he should NEVER have discussed your private life.

Don't let yourself be the 'fall-back' option.

You are worth more than that.

Bless you … we are all so proud of you. You don’t have to rush into any big decisions yet. For what it’s worth, a very close friend of mine discovered that her husband had been having an affair for 5 years. He left and then a few months later they got back together. 15 years later she says they have never been happier and she is always so thankful they reconciled.

Be very careful. Because the next time he leaves it will devastate you more. And he will.. but I'm going from experience. My ex come back after 3 months, then fucked off again after a few days. 🙄sent me mad.

He's planning on coming back? Are you planning on letting the conniving ratbag?

@Gnarly999

Oh, so he's planning on coming back is he? Does he think so little of you that he thinks he can shit on you (and DC) from great heights and then just stroll right in like nothing has happened? Frankly, if I was you I'd be furious at his presumption.

The truth is this. He's just figured out that the grass 'out there' wasn't greener than the grass at your home, the one you worked so hard to make nice and comfy for him. But making that home nice didn't stop him from cheating, did it? So why would it stop him from cheating again?

You're going to do what you're going to do. But I'd suggest you see a counselor to talk this through before you make any decisions.

And if you do decide to reconcile (I hope you don't) then he needs to earn his way back, big time. He needs to stay living separately and work hard at fixing himself through counseling. Then once he's done that, he needs to still live separately but work through what he did to the marriage, and to you, in couple's counseling. Once he's done all that, maybe he will be worthy of consideration. But if he is sincere, he'll be content to still live separate whilst he 'woos' you back and proves himself to you. I'd say give him 5 years to accomplish all that. Maybe by then you'll have found someone truly worthy of you.

I do mostly agree with posters who are saying it's over, but....there's a chance he could be remorseful and sorry, and will change. Some people do. A poster on here the other day wrote about how her husband collapsed in uncontrollable sobs when he realised he was really going to lose her and their family unit, and apparently he's been a different man since.

If OP wants to try again, I think the solution is to take it really slowly. He should rent somewhere nearby. And only OP knows if she can take another disappointment.

I think depression can be a mitigating factor.

OP would be suspicious for a long time and there would be lots of hard work ahead rebuilding the trust. It would depend on him getting treatment for depression and going to individual counselling as well as marital counselling.

Only OP knows if she's up for all this work, only potentially for it to happen again. I wouldn't blame her one bit if she decided on divorce.

Best of luck, OP. I feel for you. When spouses do this, they really do put the other one in the classic rock and a hard place. Divorce would upend everyone's lives forever and nothing would be the same, but staying together after this is no picnic either.

Maybe just take life slowly and see how things go? Over time, the answer might reveal itself.

Sending hugs xxxx

It sounds like you have been doing really well without him and getting back with him for the sake of the children is not a good enough reason your children in the long run will be better off with a mum who is not having to put up with a cheating liar. Children can sense when something is wrong and who's to say he won't completely play you again down the line when he's gotten used to his security blanket of being back in the family home with you looking after him? I understand why you feel the need to question it and why you may still feel for him in some ways but in the nicest way you need to have more self respect don't take the easy way out just because he may or may not decide that you are suddenly good enough to be his partner again. On a side note it is good that he is addressing his mental health issues there is no reason why you can't remain amicable with him about his MG situation but with firm boundaries in place.

Has he told you he wants back or is that his parents talking? I’d take it with a pinch of salt, particularly if he’s just being ‘a bit nicer’, and you shouldn’t accept anything less than him:

Taking full accountability—no excuses, no blaming you, his job, the ow, his parents or his depression.
• Being honest about everything: the other woman, the drinking, the depression, why he really wants to get back together and why it would be different this time. All of it.
• Getting serious help—not one therapy session, but years of therapy, self reflection and AA. Hard fucking work.
• Giving up drinking. Not eventually. Now.
• Respecting your boundaries. Stay out of your home. Stay single and wait until you’re ready and accept you might never be.

He can probably see you’re thriving, while his life is down the bottom of the toilet -drinking, shagging around, living with his parents and facing a massive financial loss from divorce.

You on the other hand are finding yourself again, have realised what a queen you are - how incompatible you and your ex are and how much better you can do. No wonder he’s thinking of ‘coming back’ (arrogant prick).

If you give that special place in your life to your ex DH, you’ll never leave room for someone who might suit you far better. When you’re ready, book a babysitter and / or rope in friends / grandparents to help you go on dates - definitely don’t get back with him until you’ve had at least one date with someone else (if you feel like it!).

I don’t think you need to tell him to fuck off definitively. I think you can just say nothing at all. Keep him guessing. After all, what’s good for the goose…

I’d rinse him for all he’s worth. What an absolute fucker!

I left a drinking twat and he spent 6 months persuading me he had changed..
AND I FELL FOR IT!!
EVEN MARRIED HIM 10 WEEKS Back TOGETHER ...
He lasted 2 weeks and back to twatdom

I filed for divorce after the required 12 months..
You have ripped that plaster off op.
Don't go back.
You and your dc ARE a family.
And they still have a df..
He just isn't around being a cunt... ...
KEEP IT THAT WAY..