Part two - Husband leaving me for other woman (I have a baby, 2 and 4 year old!)

[Gnarly999]

Hello all,
Wow thank you so much for the replies on the other thread, I don’t think I realised that there was a max amount of posts, so thank you. It’s really helped me see him for what he is, find my anger and also just distract me from checking their social media constantly too.

You’ll notice that this time I’m posting on the divorce area, as I think that’s where we are now, so your advice has been taken in.

I also may start another thread just to continue ranting about him in general too, and how it all plays out.

Lots of great advice, but I wondered if anyone had advice on this, relating to the divorce specifically:

1. Hiding assets - exDH has a number of very expensive properties in his name. They were bought in his name by his parents, to avoid inheritance tax later on. They mainly use them, but legally they belong to him and his sister. I have no proof of this, but do know it’s true, at least for two properties. I wouldn’t try and “take them”, but I would want to use this as leverage to keep my property which I bought before we were married. So the question is, can they just change the names of the owners back to his mum and dad? Or just to his sisters name? What can I do to get ahead of this?

2. Company shares - exDH is due to get a large amount of shares in a company quite soon. It’s something he’d been building up and essentially he always saw the hard work as worth it as the payday would come, even though we’ve not seen anything yet, much. So I’ve supported him looking after all the children on my own while he’s been doing this, but if the “transaction” happens after separation or divorce, then I guess I’d have no claim to this?

3. Custody - there’s a lot of people saying it’s best to get 50/50, but I just think I’d miss my kids too much and don’t want him to have them!! I’d want them to keep a relationship, but I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost my marriage and my children! It’s going to be a rough few years, but in the long run, probably good to have had them as much as possible? What do you think?

4. Ducks in a Row - people saying this a lot, but what do they really mean?

A lot of this seems really mean and nasty, but I’m angry. He left me for his junior colleague, while I have a baby, 2 year old and 4 year old!! Someone we’d argued about a lot, and he used to gaslight me, when really he knew i was right all along - it’s terrible! So I essentially want to take him to the cleaners.

Just wanted to send hugs and support.

I second a previous poster - what an absolute bastard! Men who leave their wives when they are knee-deep in babies and toddlers are the scum of the earth. Absolute scum of the earth. Even if he was unhappy, I am quite sure that you are not so awful that he couldn't have stuck it out until the children were a bit older. What, were you physically torturing him or something? 😡 He has a baby and two toddlers, and a heroic wife who birthed them and raises them, so four people who depend on him. Instead of being filled with gratitude for a lovely healthy family, a tiny little baby, and a competent wife, his response is to.....put himself first. Just unbelievable. I can't get past the fact that he's left his little baby. How could he? To leave such a tiny, helpless creature. I could never! And to leave his wife to deal with a baby and two toddlers alone...Again, how could he? I could never do this to other human beings, I just couldn't. I'm sorry OP, I think he's a monster, and as hard as these days are, I'm glad for you that you're still relatively young and that he hasn't wasted any more of your life.

And all of the above isn't even taking into account that he's cheated with a much younger woman and that that woman is his employee! Companies are really strict on that these days, because it's seen that the younger party would have a hard time saying no to a boss. He has no morals whatsoever, and no judgement, and no heart. He's selfish, unkind, cold, uncaring, and reckless. I don't think I've ever been so disgusted with someone I don't know.

You sound lovely, OP. With your former professional success and the big heart that you have shown here, you sound like a wonderful combination of brains and warmth. And he couldn't appreciate it.

Pearls before swine....

As for that woman who thinks it's OK to take a father away from a little baby and two little kids, I'd like to wipe her undercarriage with a chili pepper. Yes, yes, I know the fault is mostly with the man, but she enabled the destruction of those helpless children's home. Frankly I'd like to shove a chili pepper up both their arses.

Was just reading your other thread OP, god what a shitbag he is and that’s putting it nicely! Im sorry this is happening to you.

only want to reiterate what others have said - get a solicitor asap. If he’s moving assets then he’s been planning this and god knows what he’s done before this all started

Land Registry UK - Access Land Registry Title Documents Online

Others have said but this will provide you with proof of who owns property today. You only need the title register not the title plan.

OP I took mine to the cleaners and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. You only get one chance to put yourself in the best possible position to be a single mum! You have to fight though and it was tough to do with with young kids! (his solicitor was vile - prepare yourself for this to be the case!)
There were many times I felt like backing down. I’m so glad I did not though as I got enough to buy a house outright and not have to worry about working all hours under the sun to pay a mortgage whilst also looking after our kids mostly alone!

Find as much information as you can even if that means being sneaky but don’t tell your solicitor where it came from! Good luck OP.

And don’t be afraid to change your solicitor if you feel that they aren’t fighting enough for you. I did!

Well here we are my dear. You sound like a smart lady and I’m delighted you’re getting your game plan together. But you also sound very nice, and uncomfortable about putting yourself first and protecting your own interests- your ex will know this, and he has and he will continue to exploit this. Use your anger as your catalyst and your solicitor as your shield and battle warrior. I’d second Penningtons - it will be expensive but given the scale of assets you’re entitled to, the fees will be relatively small for ensuring life long security for you and your kids.

The most important piece of advice I can give you is to reframe this not as you taking him to the cleaners but as you securing what you are legally entitled to. This is not playing dirty. He is equally entitled to 50% of all marital assets as a starting point, and he too won’t discount anything of yours when he’s thinking about the total pot. You however will also be considering the needs of your kids long term future; he will simply be thinking about himself and securing as much money as possible/ assets as he can to penalise you (and your kids).

I’d advise the following game plan; approach your choices working on the following assumptions:

1. He will remarry this other woman (or another) and go on to have more kids with her; she will gain what you do not fight for financially, and her kids will benefit over your kids as they will also have their father living with them and providing for them whereas you will be providing for them solely - beyond maintenance payments. What financial agreement do you need to offset this? School fees? Nursery fees? Spousal support (rare but I suspect you might well stand a chance)
2. You will need to / want to go back to work at some point but probably not until your youngest is at school. What resources do you need to allow for you not to have to work and when you do go back to work what resources (a nanny etc) will you need to enable you to work. Plan financially for these eventualities.
3. If he fights for 50/50 then for his 50% of the time it will be largely with a nanny, his new woman and his parents. I agree it would be better for the kids that they were with their main parent for more of the time given this reality.
4. However, you are going to need to rebuild your life away from the kids - and 100% custody will either cost you more in babysitters or make this harder to do. So factor both of these things in financially and
5. If he sees them only at the weekend he becomes ‘fun Dad’ - the hard work, particularly as they get older is during the week -getting them to school, supporting with homework etc. I’d push for some element of week day arrangements for him to have them.

Q4; get your ducks in a row
Have a read of this thread for some excellent getting of ducks in a row, Husbands food preferences driving me crazy - NEW THREAD

And check out the relationship board where there is tonnes of advice to women in your situation about the practical ducks in a row steps - essentially it’s gathering as much info and intelligence as you can so that you’re not stiffed when he gets his shit hot divorce lawyer on you.

Has he cleared out everything from the house or are there still legal / financial documents in the house? What access to bank statements do you have?

Some practical steps if you haven’t already:

• register single person council tax
• Remove him from ring door bell
• Search every nook and cranny of his possessions if they’re still at the house for evidence of the affair
• Land registry for the properties
• Change your will today
• If you file for divorce you control the pace of the process

Q1&2 are for you solicitor

Remember - he is not your friend; he doesn’t even have your kids best interests at heart. You are not being grabby but he sure as fuck will be.

And to add on the 50/50 point - the more custody you have the greater your entitlement to more of her overall marital pot. When they’re older you may change things around and he has them more / you have them less - but by then you will have secured more assets / a bigger settlement!

Go for the biggest settlement you can even if that means you forgo your own properties but gain significantly more through other assets!!

The PIL are not your friends, they’ll be on your side. Go after those properties they’d be yours if the pil had died. It takes money to start a new life.

With the land registry it takes a good 4-6 months to change it - what they do is log applications and work through them..so I think it’s legal from the time they receive and log the application but it takes a while to show up as they work through changes so get copies now. It was £3 per property when I did it 2 years ago - you can also log addresses with them that you want to know if any changes are made - that’s free and you get an email every 6 months or so reporting activity.

I think the share thing your talking of would be seen as an investment so would count even if it has not been realised yet - don’t be in a hurry to settle the divorce maybe until you have that information

the properties in his name will definitely count whatever the avoiding IHT antics of his parents

Can anyone link the first part I wasn’t able to find it.

sorry your in this situation OP

OP does he submit self assessment forms? Legally he'd need to stipulate all income on those and declare his rental income if they're in his name. May be one way of getting details. Where's all the paperwork usually kept you need to take copies of his bank account letters anything showing which accounts he has so they're not hidden, any tax return that may give u a clue what he has. A good lawyer will advise you on this.

I think you're right re not having 50/50 especially for the baby. Not just because you'd miss them but also because he obviously cares mpre about himself than them. I think one weekday evening and every other weekend makes sense, as others have suggested, which maybe you could add to in time if you felt that was the right thing (when you're little seeing dad only one evening a week some weeks would feel like a thousand years between visits).

What a lying, cheating, scumbag he really is OP.

Speak with a solicitor and be clever about this. You have 3 children to think about and frankly, you should take all you can get.

I don't have any specific legal knowledge but I know a friend's daughter who was adamant her DH shouldn't have 50/50 childcare because she knew he would just use other people to look after them. She held out on this point and made it her main priority in the settlement. I think she conceded some financial aspects to get him to agree to it (less child maintenance maybe, I'm not sure).

If having your children more than 50/50 is your main priority then make that very plain to your solicitor.

I just can’t get over the fact that this man left a woman with a baby and two toddlers .
I am not a cruel person., but I sincerely hope that the new relationship will bring him nothing but misery . Vile man

Tbh, I don’t think he will want 50/50 custody
He wouldn’t be able to cope

This 100%. And go after the two additional properties. Take everything you are entitled to, it’s your children’s future and he is shafting them as well as you. He has already emptied your bank account.

Keep your in laws on side for now, negotiating a fair settlement is always the best option plus they haven’t done anything wrong. The best scenario is that he offers you a fair settlement which takes into consideration premarital assets and 50% of assets he’s earned during your marriage, then you can say you won’t come after other property. No fight means no fees to solicitors

You need to seek legal advice - that will give you clarity re ducks in the row.

Her new man won't seem so appealing when he is bringing 3 x dc to their dates....
And when he has a lot less cash....

Hi OP,

I saw your original thread. I am so sorry that he has turned out to be such a selfish, deceiving prick who clearly has no care or respect for his role as husband or father, but I am so pleased that you have finally found your anger. YES!!!

Other PP have it covered but to reiterate: find and copy EVERY SINGLE PIECE of financial paperwork you can find. Payslips, contracts, pensions, bonus letters, tax returns, share notices, properties, investments, premium bonds, ISAs. Any correspondance between him and his employer, or any lawyer/sollicitor/financial advisor (this would probably be easier if his email is still logged in on a shared leptop/tablet. There was another recent thread where the OP was able to trace her husbands entire affair through the iPad he kept locked in his office, so fingers crossed that your cretin has done something similarly idiotic.

Property ownership is largely traceable and as other PP have said, if you have addresses, get online and get certificates from Land Registry. If you are not sure of addresses, get on Companies House and see if your husband has any companies or directorships registered in his name, that might give you a clue (I have worked for people who own property this way).

I also strongly second a forensic accountant, given the income involved and the lack of transparency. Also, I don't know if this is applicable in the UK, but I have read stories where partners were able to reclaim sums that were spent on an affair partner from joint funds. That would be a lovely kick in the balls, to "bill" him an extra 10-20-30k for Dubai trips, posh restaurants and Hermes scarves.

With regard to custody, courts are supposed to decide based on the welfare of the children. He may say 50/50 but he barely parents. They are all under 4 but he works full time, extra hours, and is regularly abroad on work trips, I cannot imagine that any court would llow 50/50 for infants and toddlers in this scenario.

On the OW note - of course his mum will minimise what he's done, but if you have to have contact with your in-laws, maybe prepare yourself some lines.

• "I don't want to talk about OW, I am disgusted by my STBXH's behaviour."
• "I don't want to talk about OW being manipulative, STBXH is an adult man, a husband and a father, he abdicated his own responsibilities."
• "OW is irrelevant to me, what matters is that STBXH broke his marriage vows, betrayed my trust has therefore broken both the marriage and the family".

I am rooting for you!

You need a solicitor to put a claim against each property at land registry so they can't sell them/change ownership (I don't know the technical term)

Ive just been looking into similar for myself but im not an expert. My vague understanding is…

If he has hidden assets then it will come out. It’s not looked upon favourably within the courts. They may be seen as separate to the family finances though as neither of you worked towards them.

The company shares have been worked towards by you both so I’m
not sure but I imagine should be viewed as marital asset. A bit like a pension would be.

Get really good legal advice and absolutely take him to the cleaners! I hope he gets his comeuppance OP.

Get your revenge by living your best life!! Dark days ahead but you will get through this and you will be wiser and stronger.

Last Post on this please do not follow the advice your seeing in regards to the houses, you can't register an intrest if him and his sister are on the agreement. I don't know why women do this but they either push for people to do what they wished they did or they got divorced under diffrent circumstances.

1.You are highly unlikely to prevent him getting 50/50 if he wants it, it's the go to.

2.Your not going to be able to take his assets which are held in trust or before the relationship began. You are also wealthy if you play a zero sum game you will lose.

2 Work out what you need but get the agreement away from court, again there's no information you have provided that he will A have to compensate you for time off work your eldest is 4 or B will have hand over significant assets. Your in a good position compared to a lot of women, just get out of this marriage.

1. Most importantly I know people are cuing up to tell you how bad he is how terrible, none of means anything in court. Focus on facts get your money.

Also just insight from his parents side of things if the proprities were intended for him and his sister, the minute you begin to go after them, your in laws go off side. Sorry to repeat myself I quiet like the op I want her to get set up to succeed but at this moment emotion will f**k up the bag.