Part two - Husband leaving me for other woman (I have a baby, 2 and 4 year old!)

[Gnarly999]

Hello all,
Wow thank you so much for the replies on the other thread, I don’t think I realised that there was a max amount of posts, so thank you. It’s really helped me see him for what he is, find my anger and also just distract me from checking their social media constantly too.

You’ll notice that this time I’m posting on the divorce area, as I think that’s where we are now, so your advice has been taken in.

I also may start another thread just to continue ranting about him in general too, and how it all plays out.

Lots of great advice, but I wondered if anyone had advice on this, relating to the divorce specifically:

1. Hiding assets - exDH has a number of very expensive properties in his name. They were bought in his name by his parents, to avoid inheritance tax later on. They mainly use them, but legally they belong to him and his sister. I have no proof of this, but do know it’s true, at least for two properties. I wouldn’t try and “take them”, but I would want to use this as leverage to keep my property which I bought before we were married. So the question is, can they just change the names of the owners back to his mum and dad? Or just to his sisters name? What can I do to get ahead of this?

2. Company shares - exDH is due to get a large amount of shares in a company quite soon. It’s something he’d been building up and essentially he always saw the hard work as worth it as the payday would come, even though we’ve not seen anything yet, much. So I’ve supported him looking after all the children on my own while he’s been doing this, but if the “transaction” happens after separation or divorce, then I guess I’d have no claim to this?

3. Custody - there’s a lot of people saying it’s best to get 50/50, but I just think I’d miss my kids too much and don’t want him to have them!! I’d want them to keep a relationship, but I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost my marriage and my children! It’s going to be a rough few years, but in the long run, probably good to have had them as much as possible? What do you think?

4. Ducks in a Row - people saying this a lot, but what do they really mean?

A lot of this seems really mean and nasty, but I’m angry. He left me for his junior colleague, while I have a baby, 2 year old and 4 year old!! Someone we’d argued about a lot, and he used to gaslight me, when really he knew i was right all along - it’s terrible! So I essentially want to take him to the cleaners.

This. You need the best lawyer you can afford, but don't hang around OP, with every passing hour he could be hiding things

OP doesn't actually want his properties though, she just wants to be able to keep the family home which was hers originally, so if he leaves his stuff alone she leave his. At least that's how I read the OP

Wow I love that the MIL blames the OW!! I’m sorry but as soon as you mentioned he travelled with her I lknew. And also that he never even called when he’s away at all, that’s a man who is living a life with no responsibilities and being single. He thinks you should have been grateful when he was there?! Omg I’m sorry angry for you. What an utter piece of shit he is.

As to his other properties, it will depend whether he owns them with his sister as simple tenants in common or whether they are held in trust.

If they are held in trust and only he and his sister are trustees, it will still only be their names on the register.

There will be a restriction, either form A or form B which will give you an indication as to the method of holding, If it is a trust holding the properties, I don't think you have an easy route to a share of them.

Please be mindful of the MIL mine dropped me like a brick even after being the one to encourage me to walk away after the revelations of my H double life. Turned out the emails I was sending her she was forwarding to him.. remember it’s a her son and she’s likely to blame anyone but him. Also where there’s property/money involved you need to keep your cards close to your chest. Find one person you can really trust and keep your circle small. It amazes me how many people suddenly want to reach out and talk to you when the shit hits the fan - these are not your people! Sadly they enjoy the misfortune of others and just want you to spill the tea.. shut them down. You’ve had some good advice here, one step at a time things will get easier I promise you! First step - solicitor.

Ah no i read it diffrent. If that's the case I think she should focus on that

Just remember, he will probably cheat on her as well, as soon as the novelty wears off. If they will cheat for you, then they will cheat on you.

Agree with all of this.

You're probably utterly exhausted and comfused by it all OP, but you need to get a clear head asap and play hardball to get the best result.

One of things abandoned wives ALWAYS always say in these situation when OW is involved is that the husband becomes a complete stranger and a monster. He will be thinking only of himself now and his parents will likely want to protect him too. For instance I bet they'll be pretty shocked when they find put you're entitled to half of those properties they've ringfenced in their ds's name. Keep absolutely schtum about everything financial/legal.

I’m glad you are looking to get organised now. I’ve read your previous posts and I do think he could actually be a narcicest. The fact is he seems to love things only as long as they serve him and his ego and does an awful lot of rewriting history. So please watch interactions with him as he will do anything to try manipulative situation.

Ducks in row is a lot of things. The finances side of things - try get copies of any paperwork or accounts you can, but be secretive and don’t let him or his family know. Get a good lawyer asap. Given young age of children a lawyer is likely to be able to get you more than 50% of assets and use that leverage (threaten pension, company shares etc etc) to get you things like the entire house in this divorce. So lawyer up!

A good lawyer should also be able to get you custody you want. I would not go for 50% custody with him - I’d go for you 80% or whatever works whilst they are young. My own experience with a poor dad is when you split with young kids the kids will cling to the good parent (you) much more and do get distressed going to the shitty parent which is heartbreaking. His ratty shitty behaviour with them at bath times and bed times won’t stop and the kids will hate it and suffer. A nanny has no love for a child and is no substitute for you and a lawyer will be able to use your strong maternal role as leverage to get you more custody. A lawyer or judge cannot force him to have any custody though - if he chose to walk away entirely he could - but he’d have to pay!

But ducks in row is also the psycho social aspect of things. Do not show him any behaviour he can use against you! Do not rant and rave at him or send nasty texts no matter how mad you get him. Use your anger to become icy cold and efficient. Let him be the unreasonable one - not you. Remain dignified in your sorrow and grief - hide the anger. Do not given him anything to use against him - keep anything on him you can that incriminates him.

With his family say you do not wish to talk about him anymore but really value them as family and grandparents and do not enter into any discussions about finances or him as a husband with them beyond saying you did everything you could to be a good wife and mother but he has blown the marriage apart and you cannot talk about it with them it’s too upsetting. I say this for a good reason - they will inevitably side with him when the divorce gets messy. But after if you give them no reason to dislike you then they will likely be good support out the other end. But do not trust them initially and keep your barriers up - they love their son and will throw you under a bus for him in a heartbeat financially and emotionally. Think about how parents will stand by murders and awful children - he is just a cheat in their eyes and they will likely 100% forgive him.

If you have any close friends that are not in his circle use them as sounding boards but don’t trust joint friends.

Don't read too much into the reasons why he is working from home. Probably seeing his solicitor. I don't think he will feel embarrassment in any way, you need to start acting quickly how to ring fence and protect your finances and assets. Some people provided you great advice.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5271675-husband-wants-to-leave-me-but-i-have-3-under-4

Hugs to you, OP

In terms of those other properties, do you know where they are - ideally the address - if you have the address you should be able to check the ownership if it gets changed over the next few months because that will show up on the property history... but it would also incur tax even if no money changes hands - it's the increase in the value of the property that would be taxed.

Given you have done 95% of child-rearing, and he's already talked about getting a nanny (most nannies wouldn't cover overnight as well as all day I think, particularly if part-time) and you know that he gets exasperated with the children already despite doing so little, I would be going for as much time with them as possible!

Do you want your oldest to continue at the long-distance nursery they are in or do you want to move them to a closer option?

Have you managed to speak to a solicitor yet?

Can someone link the 1st thread please I can’t find it

found it

Yes please link..me too

Hugs to you OP. He and the OW are a absolute disgrace. Leaving you with 3 dc's under the age of 4 and for her knowing he has a family. Make sure you get legal advice asap. I hope you have support around you with family and friends.

@Louielooiloveyou

OP's first thread,

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5271675-husband-wants-to-leave-me-but-i-have-3-under-4?page=1

How are you today @Gnarly999 ???

Thank you!

😘

Yup. If he can't even be faithful to the woman who bore his three children, who can he be faithful to?

@Gnarly999
We seem to be going thru a similar time.
It's taking me ages to go thru and find his financial info and I'm tired from the emotions.
Is someone helping you with childcare & housework?
My kids are older than yours and I was too scared to go it alone when they were younger.
We gave up our financial independence and freedom to be mother's and this is how our husband's behave?!
It's called male privilege and is a recognised form of abuse.
I hope you and your babies are okay as can be. 🌺

I really really wouldn’t discount those properties he’s ‘inherited’. If he remarries a new wife could get them if he dies or he could leave them in his will to whomever he pleases and your kids won’t benefit. Would you really rather have your rental property over the (presumably ) far more valuable ‘inheritance’ properties? Why? If it’s to do with pride and not wanting to be seen as grabby, or not wanting to upset the PILs literally, fuck that. Let’s remind ourselves just how nice your ex is playing;

• he cleared out your savings taking money away from your kids and putting extra stress on their motjer
• he gaslit you about shagging another woman for months (and still is)
• he has abandoned you at your most vulnerable time
• hes absndoned his responsibility to his kids
• he dumped you by text
• He hid his bonus
• he bought an expensive watch with family money
• no doubt there’s much much more

You owe him NOTHING! He will go after the best settlement he can get - he’d happily take your rental off you!! You owe his parents nothing - soon as the divorce gets going they will side with him, they already blame the woman for his failings. They have raised a selfish, feckless, materialistic immoral son -they’re to blame as well for this mess! And they’re busy inheritance tax dodging.

He’s no doubt miles ahead of you with a solicitor, hiding paperwork, hiding assets. Could’ve transferred those properties months ago. Fuck him @Gnarly999 - I want you to get nasty, stand up to him, don’t let him lavish the OW with all the things that are rightfully yours. He OWES you. You’re raising his babies so he can work, you’re putting your career on hold so he can work, you’ve spent years and years supporting him to get to where he is, your pension will be smaller cos you took a career break. You are entitled to it! And if you can get hold of his bank statements, make a claim for any of the money he’s spent on his affair partner.

Do not rely on CMS - go for the best financial settlement you can get. If he loses his job / can’t work/works abroad / goes freelance and hides his income he could literally end up paying not a penny towards his kids upbringing ever again. He could cut them out of his will. He could never see them again. And given what an utter piece of shit he is, you know he’d have no conscience doing that.

Given how loaded he seems to be, I’d definitely be getting evidence of the affair and telling his work. That’d hit him harder than anywhere else. Did the OW’s ex have any evidence or clues you could chase up?

Right behind you and fuckin furious on your behalf - off to have a camomile tea to calm myself down.

p.s.aside from getting a fire in your belly and finding your anger, how are you doing mentally? Speak to your GP if you’re suffering with the anxiety, or can’t eat or sleep.

I wouldn't tell his work - cos you need him to keep earning to pay you loadsadosh!!
I believe that colleagues will have noticed his fling and if needed, will escalate cos man in power and younger female...... possible power inbalance.
Nothing to stop that cow reporting him either, if he dumps her or she gets angry enough.
See a solicitor and remember, he can only earn cos u looked after HIS babies!!
You are entitled to around half his assets/future assets, and his Pension!

If you don’t want to go after the houses for yourself, if you are entitled to a share of them (I’m not sure of the legalities there and I assume it depends how their ownership is set up) maybe get a trust set up in the children’s names so it goes directly to them, instead of you. That way at least you are safeguarding some of your children’s inheritance.

Jeez... not another truly despicable man.