Part two - Husband leaving me for other woman (I have a baby, 2 and 4 year old!)

[Gnarly999]

Hello all,
Wow thank you so much for the replies on the other thread, I don’t think I realised that there was a max amount of posts, so thank you. It’s really helped me see him for what he is, find my anger and also just distract me from checking their social media constantly too.

You’ll notice that this time I’m posting on the divorce area, as I think that’s where we are now, so your advice has been taken in.

I also may start another thread just to continue ranting about him in general too, and how it all plays out.

Lots of great advice, but I wondered if anyone had advice on this, relating to the divorce specifically:

1. Hiding assets - exDH has a number of very expensive properties in his name. They were bought in his name by his parents, to avoid inheritance tax later on. They mainly use them, but legally they belong to him and his sister. I have no proof of this, but do know it’s true, at least for two properties. I wouldn’t try and “take them”, but I would want to use this as leverage to keep my property which I bought before we were married. So the question is, can they just change the names of the owners back to his mum and dad? Or just to his sisters name? What can I do to get ahead of this?

2. Company shares - exDH is due to get a large amount of shares in a company quite soon. It’s something he’d been building up and essentially he always saw the hard work as worth it as the payday would come, even though we’ve not seen anything yet, much. So I’ve supported him looking after all the children on my own while he’s been doing this, but if the “transaction” happens after separation or divorce, then I guess I’d have no claim to this?

3. Custody - there’s a lot of people saying it’s best to get 50/50, but I just think I’d miss my kids too much and don’t want him to have them!! I’d want them to keep a relationship, but I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost my marriage and my children! It’s going to be a rough few years, but in the long run, probably good to have had them as much as possible? What do you think?

4. Ducks in a Row - people saying this a lot, but what do they really mean?

A lot of this seems really mean and nasty, but I’m angry. He left me for his junior colleague, while I have a baby, 2 year old and 4 year old!! Someone we’d argued about a lot, and he used to gaslight me, when really he knew i was right all along - it’s terrible! So I essentially want to take him to the cleaners.

Keep your in-laws onside, at the moment they are your best source of information and I’m pleasantly pleased that they believe you. However whatever you do don’t discuss legal matters with them or give them even a hint of your financial plans. In fact I’d be extremely careful who you speak to those about. I know you said your Mum and Dad think he’s wonderful, maybe you should be vague with them too with the finer details of your plans.

Ultimately at the end of the day his parents loyalties will lie with their son eventually. However until this gets to court if you can come across as pleasant, friendly and fair to them you have a much better chance keeping them onside for longer, which you can use to your advantage.

I wouldn’t read too much into him working from home today, unless he thinks you’ve spoken to his bosses no one is going to know more in the office today than they did last week. It could be he’s working from home because he wants to talk to his solicitor and is getting his ducks in a row.

The fact that he came home from a trip last night and hasn’t made any efforts to see the children is pretty telling that you aren’t going to have a giant custody case on your hands. Has he seen them much at all since he came back from Asia?

On point 1 you are making a mistake.

he is already emptying accounts and stealing things from your home - you need to act decisively.
you have to look and worst case scenario (which is her marries her and dies first and leaves it to her / their kids and your kids get Sweet FA) and realise the wealth gap is real and growing… so you need to go after those properties.

Ignore the PIL.
they are not your friend.
no matter how smiley they are to you. He is their son… even now he isn’t a shit who is abandoning his family… he is a poor lamb confused lamb corrupted by a home wrecking temptress 🥴🥴🥴

IANAL but I believe you can register interest on properties so if they sell them / hide them etc you are informed.

go after EVERY penny for your children. He is not a good father and he cannot be trusted to look after their interests.
He is not your friend.

unpopular opinion but I’d lose my key and change the locks…

and anything of value in the house I would move / secure elsewhere so it can be officially shared in the separation and he can’t just nick it…

start seeing lawyers, get advice and get moving.

Like others have said. Don’t drag your feet, get the financial agreement done as soon as you can as these things tend to take time and he’s more likely to feel guilty now. I also believe it’s better to be the one to put the divorce petition in. You don’t need a lawyer to do that but you do for the financial settlement if you want to make sure you get what you should. Find all the documents you can as everything will help with the negotiations. I don’t think anyone else has said this but him admitting an affair is irrelevant from a divorce/settlement point of view. Re custody, maybe start the negotiation with you having them slightly more than you actually would agree to so if there needs to be any bargaining/compromise then you can offer him more time but actually just to what you originally would have accepted. Most separated people I know the kids go to Dad’s EOW & then tea or overnight one night in the week. It is hard not seeing your kids so much but with solo parenting it is good to have some break if the Dad will have them (you can’t force them too).

Move in the shadows and act quickly to secure what you can for your kids. You've got this. His Mum bless her heart, keep them on side but don't give them too much inside info on your side. She may start playing you to keep you sweet and save her son from looking as dirty as he is. Sorry you're going through this.

don’t pay £20, use the land registry service direct through .gov to find out who owns a property and it will cost you £7.

You have had good advice, I don't have anything to add. Can only echo, get a good lawyer, ASAP.
In time you might need a forensic accountant but your lawyer can advise.

He has been busily planning but you can, too!

Land registry, if you know the addresses then the Title Register is cheap to download.

Anyway, lawyer up. It will be worth it.

I hope you and your kids are OK.

Hello @Gnarly999 ! I'm glad to see that you're moving in the right direction.

Regarding 1 and 2, this is what having a solicitor is all about. We can tell you what we think, but a solicitor will tell you what they know.

Regarding 3, this is where you must consider what is best for the children and your STBX's ability to carry that out. In your situation I would have been sure, based on his past parenting, that my DH was able to parent our DC just as well as I did. And that their attachment to him was strong enough not to cause distress to them. So in my case 50/50 would have been fine for the children. Yes, it would have been awful for me, but that isn't what it would have been about. But if DH hadn't been a fully involved and hands on dad, if he was 'into' his bachelor life and/or his OW then I wouldn't even consider 50/50 and would have fought it tooth and nail. I have a feeling your STBX would only go for 50/50 in order to avoid paying maintenance. Present your facts and gut feelings to your solicitor. They are best placed to tell you what is 'likely' in your area.

Regarding 4, you're doing it already! That's gathering documents, researching marital assets and 'possible' marital assets like the other properties, and figuring out what's what.

On these other properties, do you remember signing anything in connection with them (assuming they were bought after your marriage)? When my MiL changed the titling of her home to include her 2 sons, both I and my SiL signed 'quit claims' giving up all rights to her home and agreeing to exclude it from marital assets in the event of divorce. I don't know if such a thing exists in the UK. Another question to ask the solicitor.

Good luck op. Keep strong. Get a lawyer and get everything you can for you and your kids.

Yes, I read another thread where a woman got a storage unit for during the break up and gradually moved things there. Not a bad idea.

Sorry he’s putting you through this, get the best legal advice you can. He’s not worried about cleaning out your joint account so just go through legal channels and get whatever you can.

I hope you told his parents he has emptied the joint account. They know he has 3 very young children, which he is doing nothing to care for. I hope they’re horrified.

Hi @Gnarly999 I've private messaged you. I haven't read the whole thread (yet, I will do) but did you say in your last thread that you had shown your husband a post? To show him what others thought of his behaviour? Can you be sure he is not reading this?

Please follow this advice. Immediately.

Ducks in a row = find all the info you can to get maximum benefit for you and your dc.
Do as much as you can yourself as cheaper than a lawyer doing it.
As pp have said the Land Registry will tell you registered owner/s of a property , whether it is leasehold or freehold and who owns the freehold. It’s an easy site to use and the info is a few pounds a time and instantly downloaded on payment.
Pension info. You need to find information on his pension, death in service benefit, if private health insurance is provided by his company and is extended to you and the children will this continue. You will probably be cut out after a divorce but you can ask in the settlement for it to continue for the children.
Wills. You may want to rewrite yours. Any Wills that have been made still stand after divorce but are made invalid on remarriage.
If you can find bank account details keep records of them, photocopies are best.
If he is no longer living in the house inform your council and claim 25% discount on council tax.
Im sure there’s other stuff I’ve missed. It sounds daunting but once you get going it gets easier. I did a lot of the “ducks” stuff for a friend and found her husband had been deceiving her for years. Some of the stuff he’d done was disgusting ( putting it mildly) She’ll be in debt for years.

If you don’t want any of his assets for yourself they can be put in trust for the children — future education, uni fees, house deposits. It could make a huge difference in the future. Life can change in an instant and financial security is valuable.

Land registry alerts is easy to do and costs nothing.
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert

I would suggest that you start with "I want the house and all the equity plus half of your pension because I dont want to have to claim half of the houses your parents gave you" and see what that does. The fear may well have him agreeing to that. A bird in the hand and all that.

How much is the joint pot of assets worth? The lawyer you engage for a 1m pot is very different from the lawyer you engage for 10m pot…..

Definitely.

OP - have a word with a solicitor re point 1. You can put a notice on the properties so you’re alerted if someone tries to register a new owner. While you’re at it disclose the info to the solicitor so you have a list of assets.

And don’t sell yourself short - he’s swanned off and you need support for the kids. Be guided by your solicitor as they will do their best to put you in the best financial position.

I have 2 friends who divorced men like this. Gathering all the property and financial evidence is crucial. You have had excellent advice on here.
Both those men had other properties, offshore bank accounts and lots of shares. Tax returns and payslips are vital. I hope you manage to find everything.

Op reviewing both posts

1. You have a short marriage less then 10 years
2. You have more then 30 years of working life
3. You both have significant post marital assets and assets now.
4. He is going to go for 50/50 he has told you this.

Don't listen to voices saying go for everything as you ALSO have things to lose. I think right now you can get more than what you would get in court, but you need to know what to ask for.

Again fair warning ignore ignore ignore take him for everything your situation is not theirs, tell him okay we are done but for me to thrive I need more assets you love me once and I've done you no harm ( yes my therapy post divorce was effective:)and this is my number and asset split need (15% mark up naturally for negotiation room). Lawyer lawyer

Have you heard from him or his mother?

Get a lawyer immediately, @Gnarly999.
My husband cheated on me in 1990-something and called and said he wanted a divorce.
So I lawyered up and served him with divorce papers and that made him furious - go figure.
He kept me in court for ages and my attorney fees were $85,000. I shudder to think what that’d be in 2025 money.
Don’t go soft - go for his jugular and his wallet.

Yes - this is pointed out by the well-known NYC divorce lawyer James Sexton. He says there's a period of time in situations like OP's where the cheater feels remorse and that he'll play fair, and this is the window to work with him and get a good settlement. But if he's met with a bunch of crap at this stage, he'll retract and then it all goes to pot.

Good morning, OP. I am so so so sorry that your worst fears were realised. That BASTARD!!!! I'm feeling so angry on your behalf. You were so willing to try to save the marriage and make it work. Good luck to him ever finding someone so loyal as you. But it sounds like loyalty was not what he was after. Bloody hell you really have a lot on your plate with the three smallies. But it sounds like there's no better woman.

Anyway I have no divorce advice but I hope to god that you can keep the house and the kids. But, i dunno... Just keep reminding any judge or whoever what a cheating bastard he is and how you sacrificed your whole career for this family. (This advice is not based on any knowledge whatsoever so listen to the other ladies).

I would also be trying to have he kids more than 50 50. My husband and I already agreed on this if we ever split!!!!! They would go to him for 1 or 2 nights per week and a few holidays in my mind. This obviously means the other parents stays local... i hope thats possible.

Best of luck OP, wishing you all the love and strength to take him to the cleaners and find your own happiness and peace xxx

Don’t sell yourself short on those properties op. You will need every penny you can get for your dcs. The money hasn’t come through with the shares so take this instead. If you can’t find everything he owns, I would suggest a forensic accountant. Your lawyer will be able to advise on that score.