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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Estranged father wanting parental rights over newborn

232 replies

Ceramiq · 10/02/2025 10:18

A younger relative is due to have a baby this spring. She separated from the father after a very long relationship in the middle of last year and subsequently found out she was pregnant. The father wanted her to abort and stopped all contact when she refused. She wants to bring the baby up as a single parent with minimal paternal input and contact. He has now told her he will be taking paternity leave and wants to co-parent. She doesn't want this. I have suggested she consult a family lawyer ASAP but she doesn't seem to think this is necessary and that she can manage the situation informally. Any ideas as to how I can persuade her that she needs legal advice? The probability that the father wants to exert all his parental rights seems quite high at this point.

OP posts:
Bodybutterblusher · 10/02/2025 10:24

Tell her that the courts will see 50/50 as a starting point when the child is a old enough and perhaps help her to see that all things being equal, the child has a right to a relationship with the other parent. It's not about what she wants.

However if she has good reason for her current line of thought, she should not enter his name on the birth certificate as this will delay things, breast feed for as long as possible to make baby's ongoing need for her more constant and give Dad a reasonable amount of contact such as once a week during the day, not in her home and not unsupervised if she has concerns. That way, she is not seen to be obstructive but she is also not setting a precedent for overnights at an early stage.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/02/2025 10:25

Were they married?

BodyKeepingScore · 10/02/2025 10:31

Agree with PP.
Once paternity is established, the courts would be seeking for both parents (who both have parental responsibility legally) to be involved actively in the child's life.

It's likely that 50/50 will be the end goal.

Your family member would be foolish to start from a place of trying to seriously limit contact. The child has a right to a full and loving relationship with both parents. Barring any safeguarding concerns, the courts will seek to facilitate this as it's in the best interest of the child. The mother's feelings about the father and what she personally would prefer won't come into this.

AlexandrinaH · 10/02/2025 10:36

If he goes to court she won’t be able to prevent contact, unless he’s a dangerous man. She may as well accept it will happen and find the best way forward.

Original poster
Ceramiq · 10/02/2025 12:19

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/02/2025 10:25

Were they married?

No

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceramiq · 10/02/2025 12:20

Does anyone know how long it would take for the father to establish paternity if he is left off the birth certificate?

OP posts:
Hiccupsandteacups · 10/02/2025 12:21

I would live as far away as possible from himm

Original poster
Ceramiq · 10/02/2025 12:22

Hiccupsandteacups · 10/02/2025 12:21

I would live as far away as possible from himm

That unfortunately isn't going to happen

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 12:24

Register the baby alone, using her surname, and leaving the fathers name blank.

He can (and might) go through the courts to establish parentage and make a plan with contact. Courts will work on the assumption that the child has a right to a relationship with their father and as such some contact will be mandated.

The level of contact will change as the baby grows. Breastfeeding would likely push overnights a bit further down the road.

The father will still have a responsibility to the child in terms of financial support so she could claim CMS if she wishes, or she waits and sees how he acts after the birth wrt court.

Whyherewego · 10/02/2025 12:26

Basically she needs to absolutely breastfeed as that means DC will bot be able to do overnights etc initially.
If she leaves him off the BC then it will take him some time to get on. She could also introduce doubt in his mind if she felt so inclined !
But essentially whilst she can delay having to co parent by bf etc. Ultimately she will need to allow him to parent the child. So she's better off deciding what she does want to do in terms of contact. She can also apply for CMS

OnlyWhenILaugh · 10/02/2025 12:27

There is nothing you have posted that indicates why your relative believes him to be unsafe to be a parent.

I completely understand the hurt and distressed caused by his reaction to her unplanned pregnancy but that in itself doesn't equate to him being cut out of the baby's life. How would that be good for her child?

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 12:27

He has now told her he will be taking paternity leave

He cannot take official paternity leave without a copy of her paperwork. She is under no obligation to provide this.

MinnieBalloon · 10/02/2025 12:29

She doesn’t get to cut him out of baby’s life. It isn’t about her and whether or not she wants him around.

The baby needs both mum and dad. She is not ready to be mum if she cannot put her baby first.

Lookingforwardto2025 · 10/02/2025 12:30

Unless he is abusive then her DC have a right to have a relationship with their father and the courts will want that. They won't go 50/50 at the beginning but will probably build up to that over time.

I really sympathise with the anger she must feel but fundamentally this is about her child's right to know their father. I think that if he is set on being an involved father then she will have to allow this and it is the right thing to do.

SunshineAndFizz · 10/02/2025 12:35

Why doesn't she want him to co parent?

Comefromaway · 10/02/2025 12:41

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 12:27

He has now told her he will be taking paternity leave

He cannot take official paternity leave without a copy of her paperwork. She is under no obligation to provide this.

That is not correct. All he needs to do is to make a declaration on an SC3 form that he is the father and that he is will be using his leave to help care for the child (or mother).

Of course that won't be true but his employer may not know that.

Notgivenuphope · 10/02/2025 12:41

She needs to not bury her head in the sand and engage a solicitor.
Very young by any chance?

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 12:42

Comefromaway · 10/02/2025 12:41

That is not correct. All he needs to do is to make a declaration on an SC3 form that he is the father and that he is will be using his leave to help care for the child (or mother).

Of course that won't be true but his employer may not know that.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh wow I did not know that! Dhs work were like dragons wrt my paperwork before they would approve his pat leave.

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 12:42

Your title is misleading - he isn't an estranged father is he? He isn't even a father yet, and sounds like he actively doesn't want to be estranged from his baby.

redphonecase · 10/02/2025 12:43

Unfortunately that's his right - unless she's prepared to block him on everything and move away. That's what you choose when you continue a pregnancy.

Waterweight · 10/02/2025 12:43

Honestly they both sound pretty terrible.

For what it's worth she's better off breastfeeding & requesting custody ASAP

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 12:44

Comefromaway · 10/02/2025 12:41

That is not correct. All he needs to do is to make a declaration on an SC3 form that he is the father and that he is will be using his leave to help care for the child (or mother).

Of course that won't be true but his employer may not know that.

Edited
Show quote history

I stand corrected - have just googled this.

So actually any man ever in the UK who wants a fortnight off, paid, could just spin a yarn that he has got a woman pregnant and intends to take leave to support her? As many times as he likes?

Original poster
Ceramiq · 10/02/2025 12:45

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 12:42

Your title is misleading - he isn't an estranged father is he? He isn't even a father yet, and sounds like he actively doesn't want to be estranged from his baby.

Estranged father-to-be who now seems to be backtracking?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceramiq · 10/02/2025 12:46

JimHalpertsWife · 10/02/2025 12:44

I stand corrected - have just googled this.

So actually any man ever in the UK who wants a fortnight off, paid, could just spin a yarn that he has got a woman pregnant and intends to take leave to support her? As many times as he likes?

Show quote history

Extraordinary isn't it!

OP posts:
Glorybox2025 · 10/02/2025 12:47

Ceramiq · 10/02/2025 12:45

Estranged father-to-be who now seems to be backtracking?

Show quote history

Well yes, lots of men do this. It makes them dickheads but doesn't make them bad fathers necessarily and doesn't mean the child should be deprived of a relationship with their father unless he's actually abusive.