Estranged father wanting parental rights over newborn

[Ceramiq]

A younger relative is due to have a baby this spring. She separated from the father after a very long relationship in the middle of last year and subsequently found out she was pregnant. The father wanted her to abort and stopped all contact when she refused. She wants to bring the baby up as a single parent with minimal paternal input and contact. He has now told her he will be taking paternity leave and wants to co-parent. She doesn't want this. I have suggested she consult a family lawyer ASAP but she doesn't seem to think this is necessary and that she can manage the situation informally. Any ideas as to how I can persuade her that she needs legal advice? The probability that the father wants to exert all his parental rights seems quite high at this point.

Agree with those who say that, unless there's a good reason for the mum not wanting the baby to have any contact with the dad (ie he was abusive), then it's in the baby's interests to have a committed dad in his/her life.

That is a different issue.

It's had no negative consequences? Except for people thinking it's ok to deny a father access to his child and that it's a great idea to take a newborn backpacking?

Let us not conflate issues. Not seeing a father for the first few months of life is unimportant if the mother and baby are otherwise well supported. The father can be introduced later with no negative consequences, as can older siblings if they exist.

I think the South America plan is batshit as do 100% of people who I have spoken to about it!

I have an acquaintance who initially kept child’s dad off the birth certificate. He was having court ordered access by 2 months, so it didn’t take long.

Obviously, I only know her side of it, but I know she regrets not working with him from the start. The fact that she denied him access / parental rights initially, meant he was relentless in moving forward. He pushed everything through the courts as soon as possible, because he didn’t believe she would be fair. Every little detail is included in their court order, and he won’t deviate from it all, because he says she can’t be trusted. Other than hello / goodbye he won’t speak to her in person, all discussions go via an app / email, so that there’s records in case ‘she behaves inappropriately’ (this was recommended my his solicitor). She believes that the judge was unsympathetic towards her / favoured him, because they felt sorry for him. Their little boy was living 50/50 by age 2 1/2, and she is convinced that the dad would have accepted less, if she’d been more reasonable from the start.

I would advise mum to get legal advice, and that carefully about the potential consequences of each decision.

Thank you for the data point!

Do you know why she decided to split from the father?

I mean it’s great that a father wants to be involved, comparent etc….
Equally, if he was abusive, it could be a way to keep her under control.

So wondering what’s the background there.

I have a vague idea. They were both very young when they met and they both live an extremely long way from childhood friends and parents (think other side of the world) and have been living in a big house share with friends in a sort of delayed adolescence for many years. So very immature and he got depressed as she was calling all the shots.

I was thinking that. Assuming he's decent & has his head screwed on, she may find once the baby's arrived she's glad of the chance to share the parenting load.
It does feel like she's trying to punish him for his initial reaction to the pregnancy.
She needs to grow up and see the bigger picture.

TBH he wouldn't be my choice of babysitter (understatement). Decent and head screwed on aren't adjectives that spring to mind.

I personally wouldn't take a baby back packing in South America, but I'm really not sure why it's being met with the suggestion that it's basically hugely dangerous, and a sign of a parent who is hugely irresponsible. Good healthcare insurance would be important, yes, but honestly, lots of people travel with small babies and there's a lot to be said for doing it when they're very young rather than when they're a bit older and a lot less portable.

As for this man, the baby has the right to have a relationshipw ith the father. I wouldn't be putting him on the birth certificate necessarily from the start as they're not in a relationship and even if things are great and hunky dory, I think it's not unreasonabel for her to wantto be certain he can be a reliable persn to have parental responsibility. Based on what you've said, it's not clear whether he WLL be a good nd involved father in real life. Could go either way I expet.

But I do think that her attempting to simply not have him in the child's life at all when he says he does want to be involved is unrealistic, unreasonable and unfair.

We had to send copy of my mat b1 to have my husband's leave approved...and then they made him take it in two one week blocks because they're apparently too busy.

So what you’re saying is that neither of them have their head screwed on.

Tbh the idea of backpacking doesn’t fill me with terror.
But I think she is being naive on how easy it would be.
And she doesn’t seem ready to do it in a mature way if she isn’t ready to take advice from professionals either (talking about the lawyer there).

Interested to know too why the father had a change of heart re being a dad. From what you said, I’m worried he hasn’t thought further than ‘paternity leave’ iyswim

That’s as may be, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that he is the child’s father.

I hope he has some family support because men have literally committed suicide due to the stress women have put them under and the lengths they've had to go to to get access to their child. It's a real issue and one I feel quite strongly about. I'm on a few stepmum pages and honestly, the hoops some women make men jump through just to see their own child is disgusting. It's selfish and not in the best interests of the child.

Why do you fear the child’s father objecting to such an irresponsible plan? I hope he does.

I don't fear it for the South America trip but for the potential repercussions and restrictions on her movements. She needs to realise the very high stakes risks she is running.

He wouldn't be "painting" anything though. He'd be completely right.

I would not be helping this relative have sole responsibility for this child. It deserves better.

Ah :/ oh dear. That's a real shame. So she has solid reasons for not wanting him involved? She really needs good legal advice.

50/50 is NOT the end goal and is exceptionally rare.

Whats best for the CHILD comes first and 50/50 which results in dragging a child back and forth so the parents can feel equal is disruptive and non practical in almost all instances.

What the courts will do is assess the best course of action, which parent will be the most stable main care giver and if way to facilitate a hopefully ongoing relationship with the other parent. Once the child is old enough (and thats quite young, I was only FOUR when the courts started asking me) the courts will ask and take into account what the child wants.

When the reality of a small baby kicks in she’ll be glad of his help.

Unless really she’s going to go running to her own mummy…

I'm not attempting to help her have sole parenting - I'm attempting to help her avoid really bad stuff like restrictions on taking her baby out of the country at all or the father requesting full custody.

Vindictive in the sense of putting up obstacles to a parent seeing their child, including removing them from the county for months, or a different kind of vindictive?

Equally vindictive batshit attacks

I would suggest she takes time to research as much as she can using the free advice boards on FaceBook.

Free Family Law Child Arrangements Order advice (make sure it's UK based if that's where she is) groups are absolutely excellent for learning about how to navigate these sorts of contentious issues.