Estranged father wanting parental rights over newborn

[Ceramiq]

A younger relative is due to have a baby this spring. She separated from the father after a very long relationship in the middle of last year and subsequently found out she was pregnant. The father wanted her to abort and stopped all contact when she refused. She wants to bring the baby up as a single parent with minimal paternal input and contact. He has now told her he will be taking paternity leave and wants to co-parent. She doesn't want this. I have suggested she consult a family lawyer ASAP but she doesn't seem to think this is necessary and that she can manage the situation informally. Any ideas as to how I can persuade her that she needs legal advice? The probability that the father wants to exert all his parental rights seems quite high at this point.

"She also wants to take the baby back packing with friends in South America during her maternity leave"

😂😂😂

I suspect that when confronted with the reality of motherhood she might be very relieved that he wants to be involved.

He can quickly be granted them though once he proves paternity. It's disgusting that a woman would choose to deny their child the right to know who their father was when there's no history of abuse.

Hmm yeah, I think I'd just leave her to it. Since she's so sorted she is going backpacking with a tiny infant, I'm sure she can also sort out the minor detail of parental rights working out in her favour. 🙄

How awful that she is trying to prevent the baby having a relationship with its father

Please tell me this isn't actually going to happen?
That is the most stupid, self indulgent thing I've yet heard.

Backpacking in a place where child illnesses are rife.

She sounds like she's living in a fantasy world.

Imagine they end up in court and she says this in front of a judge. Full custody to dad!

I am on the side of a woman who keeps her ex off the birth certificate, even though I am all for regular frequent contact for the baby.

It gives this man (who absomoutley may step up and become an amazing dad or may turn out to be an utter bell-end) control over everything. What school. Where to live. Whether to take on holiday etc.

Given that in most (NALMALT) cases mum will be doing majority of the day to day grunt work, why add an extra barrier to making simple and sensible choices for the child (eg like school) because some bloke who had a shag once and decided that actually, babies arent fun, has said no.

Baby can still have a good relationship with a willing father.

A good father can therefore have himself added to the birth cert retrospectively. Bit it's beyond crazy to hand over that control willingly before she's able to establish what kind of father he will be.

I believe that a court would order little and often for a baby. That means a few times a week and a short amount of time with the baby. If this were my baby then it would be in my home and not taken away from me. Breastfeeding would obviously limit being removed from being around the Mum.

The courts would look to establish contact and what he does with that contact ie take the child to his parents/family/friends is up to him. She is being very silly about thinking she can call the shots. Once you decide to have a child then that child has a link to their Father, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

She needs to put a claim in for child maintenance should he pursue this through the courts but that is they way I would make this happen, court ordered. The child needs a care order and visitation stipulated. If he has parental responsibility then he can take the child and there are enough threads on here about non-return of a child to a Mother.

The Mother needs to get whatever it is called to establish the baby's main residence is with her and he visits, when those visits are.

Nailed it ☝️

Before one actually has a baby and is simply pregnant, one really has NO idea!

Both 'parents' sound like a right shower as Dad used to say.

It is the plan, one that she is currently anxious to prevent the father obstructing. What I fear is that the father may use these plans to paint her as an irresponsible parent and to put in place restrictions on her leaving the country with her baby at all. Which would be awful because her family lives on multiple continents (though not South America).

Yes, she should have a serious think about how her behaviour is going to look to a judge. It's not exactly parental alientation (is that solely about expressing negative attitudes?) but it's not far off.

I'd just stay out of it and let it go down like it goes down, tbh. No lawyer in the world will be able to prevent him from getting PR and contact if he wants to get it, and it doesn't sound like there is actually any reason to think he is a danger to the baby, so you might as well stand back and let the chips fall where they may. Similarly, either she'll manage to nomadically bum around with her baby on her back in S America or she'll get bitchslapped by the reality of motherhood and it'll die a natural death. Let it.

I would expect any Judge to raise an eyebrow at ''backpacking with an infant'' in South America as highly irresponsible.

It's not like going to France for a few weeks in a nice house- Backpacking in grotty hostels will soon have the baby ill.

This depends on how readily the father to be can access funds for legal representation, and how busy the courts are. It could take months. However, if the birth of the child is imminent it may do more harm than good to delay contact with the father. A baby's primary development job is to establish attachment. The current discourse on what level of contact is appropriate for separated parents is that the baby should not be separated from its primary care giver for any lengthy periods of time, however contact with the other parent should be "little and often" - so several times a week for a shorter period of time. Not once a week as a previous poster suggested. Denying a baby the opportunity to bond with it's parents may cause insecure attachment issues throughout all subsequent stages of its life.

Unless there is a risk of abuse to the child, it is in absolutely no one's best interest to play games with access. He will get it eventually and the conflict and delays will harm each and every person involved.

is there any concerns about him in the sense of is he abusive or controlling etc?

Or is she just worried he’s going to spoil her (frankly bat shit) plans?

What I fear is that the father may use these plans to paint her as an irresponsible parent

He would be right though.

place restrictions on her leaving the country with her baby at all. Which would be awful because her family lives on multiple continents (though not South America).

What would be more awful is if she absconds to another continent and prevents the child having a relationship with its father, and vice versa.

"Denying a baby the opportunity to bond with its parents may cause insecure attachment issues throughout all subsequent stages of its life."

I personally disagree with this - providing a baby bonds with its mother who is well supported emotionally and financially (by the father or by her parents or a sibling etc) it will bond with other close family members and not know any difference down the line. For various reasons in my family children have not been in contact with their fathers during the first months of life and it has had zero negative consequences - bonds were quickly established and have been consistently strong.

What is the legal advice for? To try and reduce his parental rights? He should fully exercise his parental rights, him not wanting to be with the mother and not thinking it is a good idea to bring a child into it doesn't mean he can't be a good father. Very selfish to try and deprive a child of their father so they can take a newborn baby backpacking. Madness, it sounds like the baby could do with a rational parent in their life.

This is even more reason why she should be working with him not against him. Once he has established parental responsibility he can absolutely apply to prevent her from removing the child from the country (which in this case sounds sensible).

He has been very depressed for a long time (anti depressants, unable to take good care of himself) and personally, though I haven't seen him for several years, I have found him unpredictable and vindictive.

Well in this case it sounds like it would be a good idea to have someone else with PR countering decisions made by the mother. She sounds like an idiot.

The dad seems willing to be an involved father but the mother is fighting against this for her own selfish reasons. She is not putting the needs of her child first so again, I do think it's important dad has PR to stop her just making stupid decisions.

Nothing can be done about it. If she leaves him off the birth certificate he can easily get himself put on and it will look bad in court if she tries to withhold contact.
Ds2s sperm donor dad pissed off while I was pregnant and hasn’t contributed at all or seen him since summer. If he crawls out from under his rock in 10 years wanting custody, ultimately a court would allow him 50/50 given no safeguarding concerns so it’s something I’ve learnt to accept could happen.
She will probably be happy for the break when the little one is with their father. Lone parenting with no break really is exhausting at times!

I really hope that’s exactly what he does do, because she doesn’t sound fit to be a mother at all.

Research will tell you otherwise. Fathers have an incredibly important role and not having one in your life is proven to be detrimental.

I he has to pay for the DNA test he may not do it. It's only free if the Child Maintenance Service order it and he's not the father. He may also not want to pay maintenance.

But if he's genuinely wanting a relationship with his child, and he isn't violent or abusive then I don't see why she wants to stop him. You can't just have a baby and refuse to let its father have a relationship, particularly if she is doing it so she can go backpacking.