Estranged father wanting parental rights over newborn

[Ceramiq]

A younger relative is due to have a baby this spring. She separated from the father after a very long relationship in the middle of last year and subsequently found out she was pregnant. The father wanted her to abort and stopped all contact when she refused. She wants to bring the baby up as a single parent with minimal paternal input and contact. He has now told her he will be taking paternity leave and wants to co-parent. She doesn't want this. I have suggested she consult a family lawyer ASAP but she doesn't seem to think this is necessary and that she can manage the situation informally. Any ideas as to how I can persuade her that she needs legal advice? The probability that the father wants to exert all his parental rights seems quite high at this point.

This is a disaster. She sounds like a child who had no idea that if you don't want someone in your life for 18 years, you don't have their baby. She probably should have had a TOP. I wouldn't get involved and just explain to her that the chances of him allowing her to take a newborn backpacking round S America are close to zero and she needs to be a bit more realistic, then bow out. Unless she's your daughter in which case good luck.

And what, in any of what you’ve suggested, centres the needs and rights of the baby?

It doesn't sound like either of them are fit to parent. The courts won't care about him originally wanting her to have an abortion. They will care if they feel the mother is blocking access to the father, particularly if it's because she wants to go backpacking! I feel sorry for the baby caught in the middle of this.

Blimey, I’m beginning to think him getting 50/50 custody might be a good thing!

Glad he has seen sense and wants to be involved. Hopefully mum to be rethinks back packing and they can make a realistic plan to co-parent.

No not my daughter or niece, thank goodness! But a close relative nonetheless who has stayed with me every year for 20 years.

It’ll work both ways. If she wants to be allowed to take the baby backpacking round South America for a few weeks (months?) would she be ok with him taking the baby backpacking round Mongolia for a few weeks (months)? Because he will have as many rights as she has.

The courts will decide on who is allowed to take the baby abroad and how much notice they have to give. Someone I know the dad is allowed to take the dc out the country and she has to hand over the passports two weeks before a trip. She doesn’t get to say no to any trips.

not sure if there would be a limit to length of trip, I suspect so.

I would suggest no more staying with you!

I said ultimately she will need to accept his contact.
It is in best interest if baby to be a breastfed baby than be thrust into the arms of a father who wanted it aborted

The amount of threads on this site about women trying to get their children's father's involved in the child's life. And here we have a woman trying to keep a man out of his child's life so she can fuck off to South America. Ridiculous!

Not all employers act legally.

If enhanced pay is offered employers can also set additional conditions with regards to eligibility.

The court order I mentioned earlier does make it tricky for my acquaintance to take holidays. It is VERY specific that both parents MUST have the child available for handover on a specific day / time.

The little boy is in school so it’s not applicable as such, but she couldn’t take him on a Wednesday-Wednesday holiday, because she’d miss Tuesday’s handover (for example). They do both have a 2 week block in the summer so there’s a little more freedom there, and one has all of February half term, and the other October (so Monday-Friday trips are possible). But these have been decided by the court, and as there is absolutely no trust (at least on his part), there is no compromise or flexibility.

How does she sound terrible? Because refusing to abort her child despite the pressure from him to do so doesn't make her terrible. It makes him terrible.

Him refusing to have anything to do with her because she refused to abort doesn't make her terrible. It makes him terrible.

Her deciding to go it alone as a single parent after his decision to bail out doesn't make her terrible. It makes him terrible.

It sounds like he now just wants paternity leave and she has every reason not to trust his motives. That doesn't make her terrible. It makes her rightfully concerned about his true intentions and motives.

If she lives on the other side of the world to her family, the easiest way of keeping her child's father at a distance would be to move back to where she is from/where her parents live while she is still pregnant.

Unfortunately her parents are retired in a country where she has no work rights (and there is no work).

Even if that means the baby is taken backpacking around South America?

He's not estranged if the baby isn't even born. She cannot deprive her child of their father so she can travel. It will be better all round if they can reach an amicable arrangement, rather than forcing him to jump through hoops and potentially a court ordering far more contact than she'd like.
If he steps up, good for baby. If it turns out he was only after paternity leave, she'll soon be free to travel with baby.
Bit silly to think she can just opt out of coparenting. That's not how it works.

Currently there doesn’t seem to be any reason the baby shouldn’t have 50% access to his father other than the mother doesn’t want it.

The mother also sounds immature at best. Is she aware of the consequences if she takes the baby out of the country without permission ?

Well if she's not currently living where she wants to be living long term, she needs to move there before the baby is born. Once her ex has PR he'll be able to stop her from moving.

Where are the parents from originally? Is it the same country?

The child’s father should have contact and will be granted it. It is the the DC’s best interests.

One thing to consider, is if there is any possibility that she might want to return home to live in the future, as now is the time to do it. The DF has doesn’t have PR until the child is born. I am assuming the DF is from the same country so could move back too. The nightmare scenario IMO would be that the naive and immature DM struggles to cope alone and the DF offers very little support but he prevents her returning to her home country.

I wonder, given the immaturity of the parents and the DF’s mental health issues, whether the best thing for the child would be for the DM to return to her home country where she has family support and childhood friends.

Your relative needs legal advice. It will look terrible if she refuses the father contact and goes off back packing with a newborn.

Unfortunately, the father will be able to prevent her relocating once baby has been born and will be able to get a court order to stop periods of extended travel. I've seen it happen several times with friends and acquaintances.

As difficult as it is, this is the reality of choosing to have a child with someone you are not in a relationship with.

That revelation came after my post

That's a funny post.

What do you suggest, that she un-pregnancies herself?

It's their baby. It's not just her baby. He has a right to build a relationship with the child irrespective of his initial reaction to her pregnancy. Unless he poses a safeguarding risk to the child their is no reason to block contact. The mother is going to be a mother and that means prioritising the child and putting her child's need first.