Estranged father wanting parental rights over newborn

[Ceramiq]

A younger relative is due to have a baby this spring. She separated from the father after a very long relationship in the middle of last year and subsequently found out she was pregnant. The father wanted her to abort and stopped all contact when she refused. She wants to bring the baby up as a single parent with minimal paternal input and contact. He has now told her he will be taking paternity leave and wants to co-parent. She doesn't want this. I have suggested she consult a family lawyer ASAP but she doesn't seem to think this is necessary and that she can manage the situation informally. Any ideas as to how I can persuade her that she needs legal advice? The probability that the father wants to exert all his parental rights seems quite high at this point.

There is no situation in which she can return to live in the country her parents live in. Her parents could potentially move to be in the same country as her.

He told his pregnant partner to get an abortion and then cut off contact when she refused. The fact that he is now taking paternity leave and want to co-parent is backtracking.

It was statutory and one week unpaid. He works for a university, no surprise they're all struggling.

This is a crazy statement to make. Fathers matter from the very beginning of a baby’s life!

She may be immature but he's just as bad. He told her to get an abortion and then cut off contact with her when she refused (OP said that they were in a long-standing relationship). I can see why she's not jumping for joy at his volte-face.

I think, if you have severe mental health issues which make it hard for you to take care of yourself, and your girlfriend is immature and ridiculous enough to think that babies are property to be hefted around on gap yah style trips with friends, wanting her to have an abortion in case of an accidental pregnancy is not terrible, it's the responsible thing to do, and keeping the baby when fully aware that neither of you can provide proper care is terrible.

I also think, that if I was aware my partner was spoilt and immature but deciding to overlook it and hope for growth, and I then found out she was so spoilt and immature that she was willing to bring a baby into this mess, I would not want to have much more to do with her either.

It does not sounds like he, at any point, indicated that he wanted to "bail out" of his child's life, he just didn't want to be part of hers, because she is terrible.

No - anthropology is pretty clear that this is not the case. In modern societies where the nuclear family is the economic unit it is in the vested interest of governments to encourage paternal responsibility and so they love to promote thinking and research along the lines of the indispensable bonding of fathers. But it's really just to encourage fathers to take economic responsibility for their children.

I'm assuming if he wants to be an involved father he would be getting legal advice to stop her taking baby backpacking and any potential moving away from him

What does anthropology have to do with the society and civilisation we live in?

I can assure you that my daughter's father has mattered to her every bit as much as me from the day she was born- the only thing I supplied that he didn't was milk. They are just as close as we are and always have been.

Just because a newborn baby is not able to express a wish to spend time with their father does not mean that not having him present in the early days does not impact on their bond long term.

If she plans to take a newborn backpack in she it will be an irresponsible parent and her child will be removed from her.

But from OP‘s description, she sounds very immature and it’s what we call just talk

Sure, any adult involved intensely with a newborn may create an attachment - could be a grandmother or aunt as well as a father. But the point is that only the mother's attachment is critical.

Where is the mother planning to live once baby has arrived? Still in the house share?

Agree with another poster that if she's difficult with contact now, he could force everything through the courts and make her life much more difficult in the long run.
Deliberately trying to keep him off the birth certificate so she can take her newborn backpacking in South America is bound to look bad to the courts when this case inevitably gets there.
It doesn't sound like there's any help you can give your relative if they're not listening to reason.

Yes, though planning on moving to another house share where there are other children.

I think you are picking studies that back up the theory that having an absent father at the beginning doesn’t matter, because that is your own family circumstance. To assuage guilt, perhaps? There are other studies that do not say that.

Most people who have seen a dad be present from the will beg to differ, but ok.

There are lots of international families where fathers work away in other countries and mothers give birth in their home country in order to ensure nationality rights. Families have no choice in the matter (no guilt involved). If you know lots of those families it's very obvious that the non presence of fathers is a non issue for bonding with fathers providing the mother moves to live in the same country as the father within a few months.

OK. I don’t agree. It isn’t ideal but as with many things in life it can’t be helped in situations such as that. However, in this situation there is a dad-to-be who seems to want to bond with his child and he shouldn’t be prevented from doing so if he is willing and able (and not abusive).

Breastfeeding centres the needs and rights of the baby.

I wouldn't be helping with that either.

I agree that the father shouldn't in this case be prevented from access to his child. However, I don't agree that that is for reasons of critical paternal bonding - I think it's because this particular father-to-be needs to be given every possible opportunity to learn to be a father because it won't come naturally to him - he is going to have restricted opportunities at best.

Regardless of what you think, the law disagrees. He will be entitled to contact with his child whether or not it suits mum.
She's living in a house share with little support and bonkers thoughts of travel with a newborn. It's wild to me that you think a potentially involved father is the worst thing that could happen in this scenario.

Thankfully you’re not the person to judge whether it’s important for this father - or any father - to bond at the start or not. That’s up to him and if he feels it’s important then that view should be respected

Please don't accuse me of things that I haven't said.

Accuse you of things you haven't said. You haven't stopped banging on about how unnecessary dads are.

I'm not against the father having access: that is his paternal right and he needs to learn to be a parent. However, the child's attachment needs would not be undermined if it didn't meet its father for a few months.