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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I can’t afford to live…

204 replies

Jimmy1981 · 10/02/2025 06:54

Hi, just wondering if anyone has been In My situation and can help me..
I have recently separated, everything is amicable. I moved out of the family home, my wife and two children stayed in the home.
we have a mortgage on the house they live in.
i now have to pay half the mortgage, I also give my ex-wife money weekly, I also have to pay my rent and all my bills. I have a good job, but I’m now over my limit.
my landlord has put the rent up quite a bit. Rental prices are crazy now. Over £1000 a month for a two bed flat minimum.
my ex-wife won’t sell the house, so I need to pay half the mortgage otherwise the house gets signed over to her and I still owe half the mortgage (crazy rule isn’t it!!).
I can’t get financial help as I earn too much. I can’t get a council house as I own a property. I can’t buy a property as have no savings, and if I did want to buy it would be classed as second home so require 20% deposit.
i earn good money, but am at the point where I cant afford to live, I’m even toying with the idea of living in a van. I can’t see how to get out of my situation.
any help would be appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 10/02/2025 08:37

@3WildOnes No unless that's a new rule which I don't think it is. The only time you can apply for variation is if the person is taking dividends from a limited company rather than a salary.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/02/2025 08:38

Jimmy1981 · 10/02/2025 07:47

Actually.. I did not think of it the other way around!
I just looked on Google at what happens if I don’t pay my half of the mortgage. To be fair, a few websites said that it can happen in UK law, so I assumed it’s correct

Show quote history

Get proper legal advice from a family law solicitor because everyone's situation is different.

EdithBond · 10/02/2025 08:38

You need urgent legal advice.

Make an appointment with a good family law solicitor in your area pronto. Ask people you know locally if they can recommend one. And don’t go any further with the divorce proceedings until you’ve sought advice.

Citizens Advice is a reliable source for online advice: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

BremeCrulee · 10/02/2025 08:40

OP if your situation truely is amicable then you should move back in to your house until you and ex can navigate the sale of your house. Financially that's in your best interests.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/02/2025 08:42

I don't care how "amicable" you think your divorce is, she is not your friend any more and no longer prioritises your interests. Get, A, Solicitor.

Wilfrida1 · 10/02/2025 08:44

Maybe you and your wife should agree to do nesting, and then you would only need a 1 bedroom flat, which whoever has not got the children moves into for those days.

The children stay put in the family home, the parents swap accommodation.

3WildOnes · 10/02/2025 08:50

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/02/2025 08:37

@3WildOnes No unless that's a new rule which I don't think it is. The only time you can apply for variation is if the person is taking dividends from a limited company rather than a salary.

Ok. I've had a read of the guidance. You can apply for a variation if you are paying for your ex partners mortgage payments but only if you no longer have a claim on the house. So not applicable in this case.

OP. Keep paying the mortgage for now but get legal advice and a financial settlement ASAP.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 10/02/2025 08:58

TouchOfSilverShampoo · 10/02/2025 07:01

@menopausalmare But then where will his kids stay?

Well if he lives in a van then they won't have anywhere to stay either.

Of course he should get a lodger and will have to see the kids during the day.

What other choice does he have?

OwlInTheOak · 10/02/2025 08:59

Jimmy1981 · 10/02/2025 07:24

Not sure how to reply to a post, hopefully this works.
so I need a two bed as I have my kids stay every other weekend. I probably would need to go to a 1bed, but even that is going to be difficult to afford.
To be clear.. you cannot force your ex-partner to sell the home or move out. It’s the law.
It is also a law that the house does get signed over to her if I default my payments on the mortgage, and I will still owe my half. It’s done for situations like this I guess where one person try’s to force the other out.
i would not do this though as my kids live there. It’s annoying, as she could get a new social house easy having two kids.
even if I get a one bed flat or a room to rent, not much of a life for the next 15 years is it…
sorry to sound depressed.. I guess I am.

She wouldn't get a house easily, she'd likely be in a b and b for a bit, then more likely to get a 2 bed flat than a 2 bed house. She wouldn't qualify for a 3 bed until mixed sex siblings are over 10.
I would personally focus on the children having stability, and if it's the only possible solution then do a 1 bed which you move to a sofa bed for when they stay.
Or can you watch your DC regular evenings for your ex to get an evening part time job for which will allow her to pay more of the mortgage.
You said its on good terms, so really you need to both sit down, work out finances for both of you. Is she claiming universal credit if not working? Factor that in, and potentially see about moving to interest only repayments if that becomes an option.

Butchyrestingface · 10/02/2025 09:00

What country are you in, @Jimmy1981 ? None of this sounds likely.

pearbottomjeans · 10/02/2025 09:00

Why not birdnest? Both pay for house and a 1 bed flat. Kids stay in house. Adults take turns staying in the flat. I think you said it’s amicable?

Kbroughton · 10/02/2025 09:01

I left the house after a separation and I stopped paying the mortgage. The house did not get signed over to my exh. The legal advice I had was that the worst that would happen was that the house would default and we could potentially both lose the house. Not an issue for us as he could afford to pay. Your advice is wrong. My Exh was very difficult, dragging his heels and refusing to put the house on the market or agree financials with me. Stopping paying the mortgage was the only way I had to force his hand other than court, which would have taken ages. It worked as well.

IfYouLook · 10/02/2025 09:01

You sound weirdly passive & deeply uniformed.

Your ex doesn’t get to decide to stay in the house that’s not how it works.

You look at your assets of which sounds like family home is the only one if you have no savings. But what about pensions? Then starting point 50/50 and you both need to be adequately housed. CMS determines what you pay her.

I can’t understand what Google you have been using that doesn’t explain this??

I lived in a very expensive house when I got divorced. Much as I would have love to have stayed put in it I couldn’t. We sold up split 50/50 and I now live in a much less expensive house as does my ex. It’s fairly straightforward unless the family home is say a tiny flat that’s already the very cheapest for miles around your kids school for eg.

femfemlicious · 10/02/2025 09:03

BettyBardMacDonald · 10/02/2025 07:07

Force the sale of the house.

Why do you need a two bedroom flat?

For his children!

flappingsoles · 10/02/2025 09:03

Move back into the house until she agrees to sell.

Grammarnut · 10/02/2025 09:05

The rule about still owing on the mortgage if your ex acquires the freehold for themselves, is to protect women who perhaps have given up a career to bring up children. It's not a crazy rule.
You need to downsize to a one-bed flat or get a lodger, or get a three bed, so that DC can come and stay and you can still have a lodger.

femfemlicious · 10/02/2025 09:06

Jimmy1981 · 10/02/2025 07:24

Not sure how to reply to a post, hopefully this works.
so I need a two bed as I have my kids stay every other weekend. I probably would need to go to a 1bed, but even that is going to be difficult to afford.
To be clear.. you cannot force your ex-partner to sell the home or move out. It’s the law.
It is also a law that the house does get signed over to her if I default my payments on the mortgage, and I will still owe my half. It’s done for situations like this I guess where one person try’s to force the other out.
i would not do this though as my kids live there. It’s annoying, as she could get a new social house easy having two kids.
even if I get a one bed flat or a room to rent, not much of a life for the next 15 years is it…
sorry to sound depressed.. I guess I am.

Who told you this. Sounds really silly. Go and get proper legal advice!

MyDeftDuck · 10/02/2025 09:10

MrBiscuits24 · 10/02/2025 07:06

Legal advice, pronto. The house needs selling.

This
You need to see a solicitor asap for the correct, and legal situation. That way you will know where you stand.
Good advice from other comments to either downsize yourself or get a lodger to help with your living costs.

Zanatdy · 10/02/2025 09:10

You absolutely can force the sale. You can’t live like this paying half the mortgage, maintenance and your own property. I’d go and see a solicitor as you’re clearly not aware what the law is here. You can sell and will have to, your ex might not like it bit tough. My brothers ex wife moved out and she stopped paying half the mortgage but still got half the proceeds (in the end she bought him out and moved back in, and he bought a flat).

DoloresODonovan · 10/02/2025 09:10

Anyone else ready to hear the other side of this sorry tale ??

Trumptonagain · 10/02/2025 09:11

Harrumphhhh · 10/02/2025 07:11

Move back in? Sell the house? Have you had legal advice?

This....

As things are amicable you should tell your Ex that you can't afford to pay half the mortgage, rent a property, pay all the bills and give her money each week, beside it being a total waste of your money something has to give, it's a bit selfish of her to expect you to do it.

Move back to your home and keep things amicable. Put the house on the market and once sold go from there.

DoloresODonovan · 10/02/2025 09:11

flappingsoles · 10/02/2025 09:03

Move back into the house until she agrees to sell.

erm…

femfemlicious · 10/02/2025 09:13

Pineapplewaves · 10/02/2025 07:37

Long term you cannot pay the mortgage on your ex wife's house and pay rent/mortgage on your own accommodative as well. Your ex wife needs to buy out your share of the house or you sell the house and she will have to find somewhere that she can afford.

You only have to pay maintenance for your children and pay your share of their expenses such as childcare, school uniform, hobbies etc. You don't need to pay for your ex, she needs to get a job if she doesn't have one already. Your ex needs to check that she's claiming any benefits that she's entitled to.

How is the wife going to aquire the freehold?. Don't give wrong advice

Mischance · 10/02/2025 09:13

Legal advice NOW.
NOT google advice!

VanCleefArpels · 10/02/2025 09:14

Contact Citizens Advice - or look at their website which will have info tailored to your part of the UK - who will walk you through what happens when you split, how financial settlements are usually calculated, child arrangements etc. Some may be able to arrange an initial consultation with a family solicitor.